Hi, this is my first post here. I joined the group for that exact reason. I feel this need to "heal" before trying to VB. ETA: a small part may trigger
I agree that a lot of it may be about control. For me the internal exams were excruciating. I felt like I was a 14yo getting a rape kit done again. But after talking to other mamas on this forum, I have decided not to allow internal exams with this child. You can say no to things, I am learning.
I also won't do the pap smear. I think that it is tramatic for me and if I have abnormal cells it won't change a thing until after I deliver.
I am going to hire a doula, this time. DH, bless his heart, just doesn't cut it for understanding why I almost kicked the doctor in the face for touching me wrong.
I really don't know how much my past had to do with my first child ending as a c/s. There were some complications (polyhydramniosis and one kidney dilated) but when they asked if I wanted to have a c/s or keep trying to be induced for the third day I snatched the pen out of the doc's hand. Anything to keep these strangers from violating me with their hands, gels, hooks... I know my pain was severly increased by fear but when they tried to pop the amniotic sac I "knew" I couldn't handle "real" labor.
I wonder how much effect my emotions had on my body... I was at forty plus a few days and not dilated at all. It could be because their was so much amniotic fluid the baby wasn't putting any pressure to come out, but part of me can't help wondering if it was "me'. They tried everything to get me to dilate for two days.
I want a vaginal birth experience that doesn't involve strangers. I want to be private and have only myself and DH and maybe the doula in a room. I really want a HBAC. It is the only way I think I can handle things.
But I'm also trying to be realistic and planning for any eventuality.
Sorry it was so long and rambly... I just had to get some of that out of my system.