Parents crank calling us - it's tough on our homelife

[frogertgrl]

I've posted before about my sucky, controlling, 'we are so disappointed with you' parents. It's too long of a tale but suffice to say, they are judgemental, awful people and a decade of family therapy netted out with the therapist telling me privately: 'your parents seem incapable of hearing you. I advise you to get out of the house as soon as you can and build your own life full of supportive persons who hear you and respect you.'

But, of course, I didn't do that! I was too scared of them and their 'disappointment' and tears and all that.

I continue to be the scapegoat in their eyes for everything negative in our family. They claim everyone in the family was/is happy but me and they affirm that my pouring out my heart in family therapy all those years didn't make a difference. They think they know what is best for me and my voice means nothing.

Here's what I need help with now: my parents expect me and DH to pick up the phone anytime they call. I don't know about the rest of you folks, but with a 12 month old DS and all that, I have zero time to talk and DS grabs at the phone and fusses when I try so it's impossible. I've tried!

So, I email them when I can and send some photos every so often.

But that's not good enough for them and I hear from other family members and friends how my parents are bugged to no end by hearing our answering machine and not reaching us. My parents tell everyone who will listen how awful this is and how unacceptable it is.

When my parents call and leave a message and we don't call them back (I respond via email usually and explain AGAIN that I'm totally swamped, we're all fine, we can't get to the phone, etc. - I've explained this countless times), they get really angry.

And the way they vent is to crank call us a bunch of times, especially in the middle of the night. I'm talking about 5-10 calls - all hanging up on the answering machine and 4 or 5 times at like, 3am, where they just keep calling and don't leave a message. We've known for some time that it's them via caller ID but never said anything.

We feel like we're being stalked and ambushed. They are so thick, they never listen to anything we say, just pout and whine that they can't get their way and continue to tell us in person how disappointed they are with us and our ways. I used to have a small fantasy that this time will be the time they will hear me, or if I just say it this way, they will get it! After 15 years I think I'm realizing they aren't gonna get it. They are only more firmly attached to their belief that they need to control my life in every respect, just as when I was a child. Btw, I developed anorexia and almost died from that, as an attempt to control something in my life growing up. I had nothing of my own, no privacy, so that was all I could do.

Any advice for the crank calls? Change our number? Laugh it off? My DH and I get so angry over the history with them, that when we receive a heavy message on the phone from them, like, 'you need to call us back - we need to hear how grandson is doing and talk to you', we get so frustrated, we end up unplugging the phone as that seems our only way to stop the ambush.

If I confront them about this, it will be the upteenth time I've done that and it never has produced anything good so far. They just choose another method of control.

I know that I'm responsible only for my response to life, I can't make them do or stop doing anything. But I get so angry and it sparks my memories of them doing things like breaking into my apartment when I didn't call them back for a couple of days in college, or making me return all the books I bought when the subject offended them, or surprising me with a visit to a therapist by tricking me and saying we were going shopping...

Sorry for the long post. It's complicated.

Thanks for any wisdom here. I wish I could just cut them out of our lives but DH and I fear that we will have unforseen consequences for our son if we do that, like DS will see them as forbidden fruit and use it against us. Or we won't be able to justify why we wrote them off, even though they disrespect me to my face every visit.

[Trishy]

Gosh that is just awful! Honestly, if I were in your situation I would change my number and have it unlisted and unpublished. I think you can have it changed once for free due to prank calls but you will have to pay for the unlisted and unpublished part. They can reach you through e-mail so it will not be like you are cutting them out of your lives. They are being unreasonable and immature by not accepting the fact that you are not able to talk on the phone to them. It is disturbing your home life. It's disturbing your sleep. Sorry but if someone pranked me at 3am I would be trying to do something about it parents or not. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

[nataliekat]

I know it's easier for someone else to say this, but change your phone number and get one that's unlisted. At least this will stop the phone calls. Then you can totally control your exposure to them, without having to come home to the surprise of unpleasant messages or being awakened in the middle of the night.

It's YOUR HOUSE, YOUR LIFE. CONTROL IT!!!! Do not let them treat you this way. You've already said what you need to do. You know what you need to do.

Please don't worry about what it might mean for your son in the future. You know what it will mean for him now. Those kind of people and that negative influence in his life. You're going to raise him right, and he's going to know how ridiculous they are. Don't let an anticipated adversarial relationship with him stop you from doing what you need to do.

It takes courage. But where you're lucky is you already know what's right for you.

Be brave, say ENOUGH! and get on with your life.

You can do it! Good luck. Please let us know how it goes.

[Marlena]

I agree with those who posted above. Changing your number to an unlisted number is probably the cheapest, fastest and easiest solution. Anyone who's treating you and your family like that likely deserve no place within it, at least until they've realized their errors and seriously reformed their behavior. If you're not willing to go that route (or want to give the phone number to other folks who themselves may give the number to your parents, despite your wishes), then confront them: tell them you know they've been crank calling you, as you have caller id, that that's outrageous behavior that has no sanction of any kind, that they are not welcome to call your house again for the time being, and that if they do call the house again until you've given them express permission to do so, you're going to report it to the police and take out a restraining order against them. Period. End of story.

[frogertgrl]

thank you ladies for the wise advice. I really mean that. It touches my heart very deeply. Makes a huge difference in my life at this time!

They are coming for a visit in two weeks and it's always the same thing for us. I get really anxious and panicky and freaked out a month before they arrive, I don't want them to come, feel trapped and incapable of saying so b/c the whole 'grandchildren should know their grandparents if the gps aren't abusive, etc.'. So, I rage inside and when they arrive, I hate every minute of it. These people don't understand me b/c they don't try to. They disrespect me in front of my son and thankfully, he might not get that just yet, but what about the future? They confront me and railroad me about our past, bringing up how I let them down, what are they supposed to tell their friends as to why they can't come visit more and the whole phone thing..it sux.

So my DH and I end up fighting as a result of all of this and my DH always ends up fed up and tells me to cut them off, he can't live like this anymore with it so painful with them, and it has to stop b/c our lives are wasted in those moments.

But then he also assigns full responsibility to me, like if I could only 'not have it bother (me)', then all would be fine.

I've meditated, medicated, prayed, detached from my body, faked it, been honest and a host of other approaches and it never, ever gets any better. In fact, since becoming a mama bear via birth and motherhood, I seem less able to fake it than ever before.

When they are in our home, I don't want them holding DS. Their expectations are palpable when they are here - they want to have 'alone time' with him and bargain me for it (I don't give in). I've been sick to vomiting and have my TMJ act up when they are here and I feel like I can't deal with them holding him, and yet, I'm supposed to hand over a grandchild to them to hold.

It's like they were awful to me growing up, blame me for their unhappiness, have always expected me to manage their feelings and happiness, spanked all the time, indoctrinated me with a belief system about God and Satan before I had a chance to have a brain of my own, controlled everything, took me to 'experts' to be 'fixed' and sent home to the family...

And I think, 'Fine, you had your chance with me to screw it all up. But there is no way in hell I'm letting my precious baby boy be the next victim.'

B/c theyl have a long history of bringing in an authority when they don't get their way, to force me to give in (like a surprise therapist session, meeting with a pastor whom they've told I'm in need of counseling, calling the university to find out where I am, etc.), I worry about them calling CPS or some other authority if I severely limit interaction with them and they can't see their grandchild. We did unabirth, no vax, etc. and I worry about them calling an authority and making our lives hell for a while.

They certainly aren't above making our lives difficult via the prank calls!

Clearly, I need to get these toxic people out of our lives. My DH says that we can't live this way, especially having our son watch his mother (and dad to an extent), get all upset and distraught with grandparent visits and be disrespected but not show it until they leave. That is a terrible example for me to give him.

I swear, there is something so awful about making one's child responsible for one's happiness and also blaming them for one's disappointment. I'm by no means healed from that and I hope that more parents realize that Gibran quote...'your children come through you but are not you...'

Thanks a ton.

[oceanbaby]

Change your number. Tell them that you are only able to communicate via email, that the phone calls are too stressful for you and your family, and that you will call them any time you get a chance.

Send them an email telling them this. You don't need to waste any more of your energy than necessary dealing with this immature and inappropriate behavior.

I'm not big on cutting family out of my life completely unless they are absolutely nothing but abusive, but you need to set boundaries. You have tried to play nice, and they are not respecting you or your family.

Edited to add: I posted the above before I read your second post. I don't know where they live, but I would do one of two things (short of cutting of contact with them completely): Limit visits to 3-4 days, and have them stay in a nearby hotel, or visit them and stay in a hotel for yourself. That way you can easily control when you stay or leave.

[lilyka]

Wow!

I hardly know what to say. That all really sucks. Definitely change your number. You can always call them. if you do set a timer and conviently get disconncted after 5 minutes. I cwertainly wouldn't let them stay in myhouse when they come. If theyare there you have no place to run and hide. even though you ds is young if they disrespect you in fromnt of him then correct them. "No I am not a bad moother. I am a great mother, please don't say such meanthings in front of my son" "No he is not your baby he is mine, yoiu may call him your grandbaby but not your baby "(oops, sorry my pet peeve ) "We don't use insults as terms of endearment at our house 7you need to leave now" If you get to the poiint of neededher to leave and they don't don't fel bad about calling the police. If she wants to visit and be in your lives then she needs to do it on your terms.

I would say don't worry about CPS. Is there some sort of complaint you could file against her ahead of time so that you would have some proof that it is revenge. I doubt she would go that far but it is possible. I think it may be worth the risk. She is already affecting the peace in your marraige and soon she will be disrupting your childs life.

[Quirky]

Originally posted by frogertgrl
b/c the whole 'grandchildren should know their grandparents if the gps aren't abusive, etc.'.....They disrespect me in front of my .......They confront me and railroad me about our past, bringing up how I let them down.....Their expectations are palpable when they are here - they want to have 'alone time' with him and bargain me for it (I don't give in). ....

It's like they were awful to me growing up, blame me for their unhappiness, have always expected me to manage their feelings and happiness, spanked all the time, indoctrinated me with a belief system about God and Satan before I had a chance to have a brain of my own, controlled everything, took me to 'experts' to be 'fixed' and sent home to the family...

.....
B/c theyl have a long history of bringing in an authority when they don't get their way, to force me to give in (like a surprise therapist session, meeting with a pastor whom they've told I'm in need of counseling, calling the university to find out where I am, etc.), ......They certainly aren't above making our lives difficult via the prank calls!

I swear, there is something so awful about making one's child responsible for one's happiness and also blaming them for one's disappointment

Frogertgrl, reread these excerpts from your message. YOUR PARENTS ARE ABUSIVE. They have abused you and are continuing to abuse you. Your son will get nothing good out of a relationship with them because they are abusive, toxic people.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to cut ties with a toxic parent. I had to cut my father off completely several years ago. I have not had a positive interaction with him since I was about 6 years old, and I had finally had enough after he started really targeting me for his abuse once he left my mom. I didn't invite him to my wedding, and haven't let him know that I had a baby. He is dead to me.

It was really, really hard to cut those ties, as toxic as they were. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of support from my husband, who took a long time to recognize my father's poison. (DH, bless him, is a very family-oriented, very forgiving person.) But it is much, much safer for me and my family this way. I do not want my son to know him - he has nothing good to offer my son, only bad things.

Please, please, please do what you need to do to make yourself safe from these awful people. I think your whole being is screaming at you to detach from this poison in your life - your body is trying to tell you that you are not safe with them, by trying to vomit up the toxins that they represent! And you never will be, unless a miracle happens and they undergo personality transplants.

Please PM me any time if you ever need support. I have been in your shoes (or shoes that look a lot like yours, at least) and I know how awful and painful it is. I also know what a relief it is to stop trying to make yourself heard to people who have no interest in you as an autonomous person, and to start healing from such toxic relationships.

All the hugs in the world to you.

[sozobe]

I agree with Jane. My story is a little different, though, in that I was entirely prepared to cut my father out of my life (my parents are divorced, and I have problems with my mother, too, but especially my father), and told him so. I then told him what would have to happen to avoid that. It was very, very difficult, and hardly a smooth process, but I was deadly serious, and he knew it.

Things have improved immensely, though I always have to remind myself not to say that the situation has been "fixed". He still does hurtful things, and I always keep some awareness of what the line is, and what I will do if he steps over that line. Just keeping that in mind seems to make a difference in my own mental health -- he knows what he has to do, and if he doesn't, that's his decision, and he is the only one to blame for losing contact with me.

[Kim]

You need to sever ties completely with your parents. I firmly believe that we can choose family -- it doesn't need to be blood relatives.

If it is too difficult to conceive of cutting all ties, forever, consider doing a trial run. Write out your feelings about why you need some space and let them know not to contact you and your family (includes your ds and dh and friends, etc.) for a month (or whatever you see fit). After that month, you may realize a new perspective and be able to sever ties for good, or come to a place where you are calling the shots.

Good luck to you. If you are having difficulty severing relations with your parents after all this, I am suspecting you may still benefit from some therapy to work through issues.

[simonee]

I agree with the others: cut them out. But first make an exact record of their idiocy, including taping some of their phone calls, conversations etc., so if they do call CPS, you have proof that they're the crazies.

Nonvaxing is legal. All the things you do with your son are. They have nothing to stand on.

And don't worry about what he'll think when he grows up. If he wants to, he can establish contact himself. But you sound like a great parent, and I imagine that he'll have other things to rebel against when he reaches that age , and he'll understand that you did what was best for HIM. Which is not giving these people another generation of kids to screw up.

But oooooh it's easy talking for me. I'm not in your place. fwiw: my fil probably won't live much longer, and mil is a major b!tch, always has been. Dh absolutely feels NO guilt whatsoever about cutting her off once fil is gone, and despite being a bit of a family monster myself, I totally understand his pov and agree.

big hugs

[Dragonfly]

How horrible that you are having to deal with this!

I can't add to any of the great advice that you've already gotten, but just wanted to throw in that if you haven't written a will already, *please* do it and specify in it that you *don't* want your ds to live with them under any circumstances!

Yikes! So sad when people insist on wallowing in negativity

[Clarity]

First of all, keep a log about the crank calls. Maybe even report it to the phone company. Perhaps explain the situation, tell them you don't want to take any action, since it is your parents, but you want them to have a record of it in case it escalates. Here is what I would do. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. It will tip them off and force a confrontation you don't sound ready for. Buy voicemail from the phone company. It is silent so you don't have to listen to the machine, and to them. You can't screen as well, but you have caller ID for that. Turn off your ringers, all of them. Except maybe one quiet one in a room whose dooor you can shut at night. Or just turn them off when you go to bed. Or find a cordless phone with a vibrate feature. And with caller ID on the handset. You could also wean your friends towards a cell phone # - but maintain your old number. Make sure other friends and relatives know about the crank calls...in case CPS is ever called you want them to look like the cranks...and having other people who know of their behavior helps prove that.

Has anyone ever done this? I might call CPS myself. Tell them what's going on. Maybe even send them a letter to make them aware you've been getting harassing phone calls and you worry it may escalate and your parents will call them as part of their campaign of harassment, that they have threatened to do so. Ask them for advice. I'm sure they see this all the time...they don't want people wasting their time either.

yeah, Ditto on the will. In fact, you could specify in a letter of instructions that visitation with them should be strictly supervised and limited until your DD is old enough to make her own decisions.

[Trishy]

Oh, there is something else I would recommend. There is a book called "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward that I have heard a lot about. It may be available in your local library, if not is is available very inexpensively used through Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...9731?vi=glance

I know it's hard to read when you are busy with you children but hopefully the book would be worth checking out.

[Prairie Momma]

I have read and used that book, "Toxic Parents". Fabulous resource! I highly recommend it. I also agree with everyone else here...Get out. It's your only chance for a normal, healthy life.

[BusyMommy]

I haven't read the other responses as it's almost time to make waffles but my first question is how far away do you live? Do you depend on them financially at all?
I'd say get caller ID, turn off the answering machine forever, and ignore them. If you change your # it's almost too confrontational. You're doing fine by communicating through email. Simply reiterate that YOUR FAMILY keeps you quite busy.

Have you read the codependency books by MElody Beattie I believe her name is? I think there's a couple. How about the Dance of Anger and the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner I think?

They are controlling you and your guilt is also allowing them to control you.
Catholic by any chance?

Put your kids and dh first!
GOOD LUCK

[katt]

I totally agree with Jane. What they are doing is a form of Abuse and should not go unrealized. Just because you don't have physical injuries does not mean your spirit doesn't . And, in the long run, physical bruises heal and get forgotten but not spiritual ones.

Keep documentation regarding their behavior, keep information regarding your own therapy, Dr. names and contact info., phone logs, e-mail's, everything.
Contact the police, to report the crank calls, contact the phone company for a copy of the phone records, contact cps and get their advice.

I agree with Cut them off. They poisiond your growing up years, don't let them poision anything else.

The best defense is a good Offense.

[daria]

Dynamic Call Blocking is available in some areas that have Caller ID. When you receive a call from a number you don't want to take calls from, you dial *70 after you hang up and then all future calls from that number are blocked. It's easier than changing your number, which your parents could probably eventually find out anyway. You might check to see if it's available in your area.

I have to agree with the people who suggest not having your parents visit you in your house. I know it's hard. I have had to cut off some family members and others are only allowed to see me if they stay at a motel. I went through an entire childhoof of physical abuse and emotional chaos and it causes me way too much anxiety for me to let those people into my home. Even when they behave I make myself sick with the dread and anticipation of when they are going to start in with their usual bad behavior. It's so hard to say for the first time to family that they can't come to your home, but my god, what a relief when that confrontation is over and you feel the freedom of never having to make excuses or try to put them off ever again.

[Pigpen]

I second this...

Dynamic Call Blocking is available in some areas that have Caller ID. When you receive a call from a number you don't want to take calls from, you dial *70 after you hang up and then all future calls from that number are blocked. It's easier than changing your number, which your parents could probably eventually find out anyway. You might check to see if it's available in your area.

You ARE in control now, and it's bugging the heck out of them. I was going to suggest Toxic Parents also, but it's already been suggested. I like the book because it gives specific steps for either fixing the problem or helping you to dismiss them from your life in a way that they will understand is serious business. For controlling parents, growing up is the worst thing you can do. They will make themselves crazy (like calling repeatedly in the early a.m.) trying to regain some of the control they once had. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's not right. Sounds like you have a supportive husband who wants the best for you and your family. I'll be thinking about you in the weeks to come.

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

Oh my. That sounds so horrible. Your parents seem to be 'toxic people'. The part about disresepecting you in front of your children makes me so angry! I know you've been trying to deal with this for a long, long time, but you need to rid your lives of them. You need to set some serious boundries about what is acceptable behavior from them. If they cannot go along with it, then its time to sever all ties with them. They seem to do nothing to enrich your family's life and everything to hurt it. Now that you have a child involved I would do everything I could possibly to stop them from acting abusive to my family.

Documenting their behavior sounds like a good start. Contact the phone company about the crank calls as others have said.

They are hurting you and your family now. You have every right to protect your family from this abuse.

I wish you much strength and happiness.