Parents crank calling us - it's tough on our homelife - Page 2

[oatmeal]

Geez. I thought my family was sick.

It's very easy to get their number blocked. Just call the phone company and they do it right over the phone immediately.

I am so sorry your parents are so sick. I know how you feel. It seems inescapable. But you do have every right not to deal with them if you don't want to.

Good luckj.

[mischievium]

Bring in your own authorities if you need to

javascript:smilie('')
dropjaw

I am just so horrified by reading about what your parents put you through-- and this comes from someone who spent 2 years working in a residential facility with adolescents with "mental health" issues. (BTW There were definitely times I wanted to pull the kids aside and say "it's not you, it's your parents.")

The only thing I have to add is that perhaps you should talk to a lawyer, one who specializes in family law. They can probably give you detailed advice about how to protect yourself and your son from your parents, should they ever try bringing in an outside authority. They can be expensive, but it may be worth it to you and your husband to have peace of mind to be able to cut them out of your life if you need to.

Also, if you aren't already, you might want to hink about seeing a counselor who can help you come up with a game plan for dealing with your parents (should you decide to cut them off or not).

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

mischievium

PS One last thing. Re: being concerned that your son will grow up and become defiant and side with your parents... well I would guess that would be much less likely to happen if he was minimally exposed to their constant attempts to undermine you and your husband as parents. Just my 2 cents.

[tabitha]

i was sad to read about your parents. you may have read my thread about my inlaws ("i kicked my inlaws out of my house this christmas...") i have a pretty sad excuse for parents as well, by my inlaws were more similar to your situation. they live in michigan and are never welcome around me and my son again. they also cannot call here. if they wanna talk to karl, they have to call his cellphone. i can say that i despise them, truly despise them.

anyway i know you have gotten a lot of response to your thread, but i wanted to add that we live near to eachother and if you ever want to call or hang out i understand what you're dealing with. beyond my inlaws my mama was one of those controlling people, who calls my cellphone and says "why the hell do you have a cellphone if you're not answering?!!" on the voicemail. we had our largest confrontation right before my birth, when she demanded to come and i finally made it clear she was not welcome. she didn't speak to me for awhile, but she got over it. she recently moved to alameda, just 3 miles from me. she calls all the time and when she hasn't seen ds for a couple of days she's like, you've GOT to let me see him! it drives me nuts. i can hardly believe this myself but the other night she and her sister Constance were over for dinner and she says to her sister, "i'm going to be at tabitha's next birth!" and i'm like, no you aren't. and she says, oh but i want to! please? and i held my ground. she is toxic and vile. when i was in labor and karl called her to let her know, she said to him "i tried to tell her it was going to hurt!"

when it comes to the threat of CPS, that's one thing that scares me about karls parents, too. they strongly disagree with our stance on vaccinations, and i wonder sometimes if they would call them. i can't say what i would do in your situation, all i can say is that i kicked my inlaws out of my life- our life. i do not feel that it is healthy to teach my son he has to tolerate family. children that believe family members are somehow better than everyone else can be taken advantage of (emotionally, sexually) by those same family members. and while i don't think anyone in tristan's family would sexually abuse him, i want him to know that i don't have to tolerate people, and neither does he. "tolerance", as a virtue, does not mean putting up with abusive people, no matter who they are.

also, i had a terribly abusive relationship with my father growing up, and you really brought me back to it when you described your constant fantasy that they would change... for some reason i had the same fantasy with my alcoholic abusive father. i continually convinced myself that it was my fault, and that if i were just a better daughter, or if i tried to open myself up to him one more time, he would love me. every time, i got smacked down, and every time, i would re-convince myself i just wasn't trying hard enough. you know, its likely that if i hadn't run away when i was 16 i would still be in that cycle with him. i love my father. it is as simple as that. i want him to love me.

i don't want to pass that sickness on to my son.

i wish you lots of love and strength in this. there is nothing wrong with loving your family despite the weirdist and cruelest circumstances. you just shouldn't let them keep hurting you and your family. tabitha and tristan

please feel free to pm me anytime

[sueami]

oh, ((frogertgrl))
i guess i just want to add my voice to this chorus of validation that you *do* deserve infinitely better than your parents are able to give you...
i agree that they sound completely abusive, and i agree that, from here on the outside, cutting ties with them completely seems like the only rational, healthy and protective thing to do for yourself, most especially, but for your whole family as well.
but boy, i can't imagine how hard that must be for you to even consider. if i were in your shoes, still hoping for them to change (as we all are of our parents) cutting them off would be like killing them to the little girl inside who still desperately needs to be loved unconditionally by the two most important people in her little girl universe.
one thing that helps me, when i'm faced with a decision that i don't feel like i can make, is to give myself the grace to wait until i can. when the time comes, you will be ready. in the meantime, though, maybe you can start making some of the excellent preparations suggested above...
my heart goes out to you,
susan

[frogertgrl]

Wow!

I am touched so deeply and profoundly by everyone's response. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I'm saving all your words to read through carefully and map out my approach. I have read Toxic Parents but it's been a few years and warrants a revisit. Great suggestion.

I cannot communicate the relief I just know I'll feel if I cut my parents out now or someday. I see it suspended out there, like only caged by my guilt and all that. when I please them (always at the cost of my authentic self), I am totally sick with resentment and self-hatred. When I 'disappoint' them (by being myself and making right choices for me), I feel tremendous guilt as the bad daughter.

My brother doesn't get it either and always pulls a Rodney King on me (about all getting along). He will never understand why I have to do this, b/c he has a different relationship with them. I've told him I do not want him to choose sides, I would never, ever want to contaminate his relationship with our parents. That is his choice and he has freedom from me to do that carte blanche.

They are visiting us today, most, most unfortunately. For three days. They are staying in a hotel and have since our baby was born, but still!! Ya know? It's too much for me and DH!

We just rec'd a call from them and my father thought he would get the answering machine again so when my DH answered, he heard my father swearing over his predictioin that he'd get the 'GD answering machine again!' and 'they make me crazy!!' Then my DH said, 'hello?' and AS ALWAYS, my father pretends like nothing happened and tries to chat DH up. What a farce.

My parents are crystal clear that they do not care that much about seeing me and DH, they only 'need to see (our) grandson'. Well, f- that. I didn't have a baby for them. My father repeated this again on the phone this morning after saying 'we're looking forward to seeing you guys', he qualified that with a correction: 'well, we are really looking forward to seeing (my DS), not you guys!' And then laughed.

My DH came upstairs to tell me that and we both looked at each other and asked, 'Why are we putting ourselves through this?!' We agreed that after this visit, we have to do something. It is SUCH negative crap in our lives and we are a happy family but this wrecks that for three days now.

Maybe it will all end up in a big blow out while they are here anyway. I know my DH is ready to take them on b/c he has had enough!! I refuse to talk to them about this stuff since 1. not in front of my DS and 2. I've said it for 15 years and they only tell me that no, it wasn't that way, it's your fault, you disappoint us and embarrass us with our friends.

I need that like a hole in the head! They don't deserve to hear what I think or feel. Let 'em stew over the whole 'it's a mystery why you were so unhappy since we were all fine.'

Sorry for the rant again. I believe there are no accidents and my DH hearing my father talk that way this morning has pushed my DH further into wanting them out of our lives. My parents are so stupid - if they had a clue they'd figure out that by treating me and DH like crap, they ain't gonna see their grandson. But of course, they are so blind in their self righteousness and think that they can control us and pout and whine enough to get what they want.

I don't think any mom or dad should hand over their child to someone to hold if that person, whether it's grandma, uncle, daycare employee, etc., if that person disrespects the mom/dad. Makes no sense to me. Why should I hand over my child for my dad to hold him when my dad treats me like crap?

Thank you all so much again. I feel so supported and that means the world to me. I take your words to heart, believe me.

[mammamouse]

Honey? You do not have to be your parent's daughter. Honest to God. And the supreme court ruled a few years ago (THANK GOD) that Grandparent's have no "rights" to see their grandchildren. They HAVE NO RIGHTS. Not to see you, to see your child, to hold him, to visit, to call, to email. You are giving them the PRIVLEDGE to do those things. It is yours to revoke.

I gave up my parents when my third was about to be born. They have never seen her. They don't even know baby #4 (about to be a year old) exists. It's very liberating on this side. No more fear. No more stress. No more fighting over parents and their abusive ways. Every phone # they call from gets put on call block. Every piece of mail gets returned to sender. It's been 3.5 years and I'm finally not getting guilt mail every holiday. My mother tries to send flowers on my anniversary- I refuse them and tell the delivery guy to take them to his wife (increasing my karma and all that!).

Be empowered. Take care of you and your family- not your parents.

[nuggetsmom]

I would change my number to an unlisted one. My MIl hasn't figured out that I never answer the phone at 8 PM but keeps calling then, so I turn the ringer off so I can't hear it ring. That drives me nuts.
But she is not as crazy as your parents, just scatterbrained. I don't know if she even really wants to talk to us, or just get credit for having called KWIM?
So maybe you can do that if you don't change your number, turn the ringer off and the machine volume down before you go to bed.
Thruthfully, they are making themselves extra misearable by being this way and I feel almost sorry for them. They are misearable and upset and angry at you, and making it worse for themselves all the time. Of course they are makign you miserable too and I feel a lot of sympathy towards you to.

Hope things get better

[mirlee]

All this wonderful support. I send many 's

It is difficult, but you need to think of your family--You, dh, and ds! The happiness and health of this family unit is the most important. If the relationship with your parents is having this effect on you and your marriage, think of what it is doing to your son.

Again,