dd 1000 miles away for 3 weeks????

[sarenka]

I'm feeling pretty bad here and wondering what exactly it's all about.
My dh is Polish and dd half english, half polish. We lived in Poland for the first 4 years of her life but this year we're in england. Dd and MIL are very close, and I really struggle with the way MIL treats her, showering her with objects, fulfilling her every whim, and trying to instil catholicism, and other parts of her culture in a really black and white way. She loves dd obviously so much but behaves in such a manipulative way to get the exclusive adoration she needs. I really couldn't manage to discuss things with MIL and ended up just letting her hold sway in her own house with dd, just trying to limit the coke!
That was OK when she stayed there one night a week. But now the plan is that dh and dd go back for easter, 3 weeks. I don't want to go, and need time for my studies, also want to make the most of my time in the uk (we're going back in July for good - ish). Dd wants to go, but I'm not sure she has a real concept of how long 3 weeks is. She has only just stopped nursing, we all sleep together. I can't bear the thought of her being so far away for so long, just can't concieve of it. Help!

[lilyka]

Have you and dh agreed about limits? It is one thing to indulge GM for a day or two but three weeks of spoiling and junk food could send dd overe the top. As a general rule I let my mom go crazy when we visit. i just hold my breath for four day and relize that it will be another year or two before we are back there. But three weeks, wow. that is a long time. I you sure you want to be away from her that long? Secondly she thinks she wants to be gone that long and that far but there is really no turning back once she is there. You didn't mention how old she was but I am guessing three or four years old. I don't think either of my big girls could do that. I hink they would probably do wel for a week and then start to freak out (but my mom is a loon).

Good luck deciding.

[Quirky]

You don't say how old she is but 3 weeks seems like an awfully long time to be away from mommy for any young child!! I wouldn't like it, myself.

Is there any way all three of you can go for a week, maybe, and then you and dd can leave early to come home?

[sarenka]

thanks lilyka! she's five, and started school here so quite independent, and yet....
no I don't want her to go so far. I've talked with dh about some half way solution and MIL doesn't want to come here or anything and we can't really afford for me to go separately for a shorter time. So I'm trying to grin and bear it. Yes, it would be wonderful if he could set limits, but he doesn't. He is, after all, MIL's son

[katt]

is there anyway for your DD to come back early? or you visit for a week with everyone and bring your DD back with you?
How is you DH with setting limits and sticking with them at home?

[katt]

Oops, must not have read all of your last post, sorry.

[lilyka]

I just asked my 6 year old dd what she thought and she said that would deffinitely be to long. Do you think she really understands how long three weeks is? When I asked Madeline if she would like to do something like that she said yes. then she asked how many bedtimes that was. When She heard 21 she almost stsarted crying (and then I reminded her that she wasn't really going to GM house at all ). And she has gone on week long trips with her dad before so it isn't about being gone but three weeks just seemed to cross a line for her.

[sarenka]

no, I don't think she really understands how long 3 weeks is. That's a good idea, to talk about it in terms of bedtimes. 3 weeks does cross a line, you're right, when dh goes away for 3 weeks that's actually enough for me to forget who he is!! That of course makes it exciting to meet again but I don't think this works the same with a little child.
It seems insoluble, I really don't feel it's right for me to go for a long time, can't afford just to go for a short time, dh Has to go for a long time and dd desperately wants just to connect with her 'babcia'. I've been ignoring the decision really, while feeling more and more strongly that it can't be so long. Dh has spoken with MIL about m feelings on the phone. Maybe she'll come for a while? That would be so much better. I can't believe I'm thrashing out my thoughts here in public! Thank you so much for your replies...
Katt, he is crap with limits, full stop. I've let go of that one. She at least gets to live with a very 'Real' person who makes his own needs and boundaries very clear!!!! That's my rationale anyway!

[sarenka]

I just want to thank hug and smilify everyone who gave me input on this.
I realised how I really felt about this - I did NOT want her to go, actually, at all. And dh and I agreed, and he put it to MIL in a way she could understand and accept ('I wouldn't let my little girl off on a two day journey with a bloke either!')
So all is well. My mother may come up and help me out but dd and I are staying firmly at home, and dd is fine with that after all she'll be back soon for good, and it's all a bit abstract for her.
Thanks anyone who's listening!

[Quirky]

I'm glad you listened to your gut, and I'm glad it worked out!

[katt]

I'm glad you found the solution that is best for you and that everyone seems to be okay with it.
I'm also glad that you live far enough away from your in-laws that those boundries don't become an everyday issue, anymore at least.

[sarenka]

Thanks Jane and Katt - unfortunately we're going back for good in July and then those boundaries are going to be a 'big issue' again. Hope I've gathered some strength to go back and assert them in a good way!