3 y.o. won't leave the house

[nomadmom]

My friend is having a hard time w/ her 3 y.o. He's being super-negative about everything lately, but the biggest struggle is that he doesn't want to leave the house, even when it's for something fun.

A typical example: they were supposed to meet some friends to go swimming. This kid loves swimming and the boy he was going to see is a good friend. When it came time to leave, he cried and wouldn't get dressed and didn't want to get in the car. This happens every time they need to go out. My friend tries hard not to force him, and tries to find ways that will allow him to go willingly (they walk places too, so it's not about the car seat). Sometimes he won't budge, and when she has people waiting on her, well, that's stressful. She said she "growled" at her ds, he cried, she felt terrible, they got in the car, went swimming and had a great time.

She wonders if she's putting too much thought into his protests when she knows he's going to enjoy himself, and should she just ignore it -- ie, comfort him, but just get in the car and get on with it? But then she worries that there's some hidden issue that she's not seeing and doesn't want to make it worse by not paying attention. Any ideas?

[meowmix]

MY son went through this, too. He whined about everything and going everywhere. Sometimes I didn't push it, and we missed some events we had planned. But sometimes I would need the adult interaction of a playgroup, etc and so I would communicate my need with him and we would go anyway. He usually had a good time once we went. I don't know if it was the anticipation of the social interaction (he's pretty introverted and so doesn't always look forward to big group gatherings unless someone he knows already will be there) or if sometimes he just didn't feel like going through the effort of getting ready. Whatever it was, he pretty much grew out of it.

[Embee]

This can be fairly typical three year old behavior. Perhaps it's an emotional growth spurt, perhaps something more. When they're babes they cling more to you when they are going through a rough patch, as they get older, the rough patch might be supported by enjoying the comforts of home more. Totally normal.

On the chance that there is something underlying, I would encourage your friend to look at some of the external circumstances of their recent family life. Is there a parent who is gone more suddenly? Has he been attending preschool for the first time? Too many playdates or out of house outtings? Anything else that would "trigger" this behavior. Look even at the little things as to little people, those little things can be big.

My son went through this as well, but as time has gone on, it also tends to be part of who he is although for many it's just a phase. DS just isn't a guy who needs a lot of outside stimulation and activities. He loves being home, playing at home. It's where he can truly be who he is. If he were unhappy, unenergetic, bored at home and still not wanting to go out, then I would have cause for concern, but at home he's delightful, creative and full of energy. Sometimes I wonder if this is just a kid's way of saying, "Hey, you've created a great home here folks and I love it here. I don't need much more than that right now." Now there's something we can take to heart. Early on, I thought I would have to set up all sorts of playdates and activities for DS, but as he's grown, I've realized that a simple life (something I've always aspired to) is something he embraces better than I do.

But then, sometimes you do NEED to get out of the house: errands, people waiting on you, your own sanity, etc. It helped me to get a little creative and fun (aka, SILLY) in the case: "IT IS NOW TIME TO LEAVE FOR SWIMMING (said in robot voice), PLEASE LEAD ME TO THE CAR." Or maybe I'd offer a piggy back ride to the car, or offer, "Would you like to listen to your book on tape while we drive to the pool or a music CD?" Mainly, the sillier I was, the better things went. Transitions get difficult at this age. My DS like many other I think, gets into a "mode" of where he is right now and needs transition time and sometimes some creative effort from me to get it done. Things are easier now because we've been dealing with it for the better part of two years, but somedays it's still not easy. I do tend to keep "people counting on me" outtings to a minimum to relieve the pressure on us both, and prefer to keep things more spontaneous. Also, DS has a buddy come over once a week for 4-5 hours and a regular playdate. Routine can really start to become important for kids this age and if it's "in the routine" it can make transitions much easier. My DS HATES surprises, even for things he likes.

My .02 for what it's worth. Hope there's something in there that helps.

Best of luck to your friend.

Em

[nomadmom]

Thanks for the suggestions. My friend is newly pregnant, and has told her ds, so who knows how that plays out in the mind of a 3 y.o. Also, he has practically stopped eating and only wants to nurse, so another (mutual) friend has suggested that maybe he's getting a load of extra hormones. I never nursed through a pregnancy, so don't know anything about that.

[Embee]

Ah, news of a sibling on the way is huge, and could very well have triggered those "need to be close (more nursing) and to be home" behaviors. Totally natural given the circumstances.

My son is an only and age 3 in many ways was a big transition year for him even without a sibling on the way. He 'pretended' to be a baby much of the time, and went through some intense nursing periods as well. Of course, it was then that he was also doing things that amazed me like drawing well beyond his years, and potty training himself in a week's time. Such big milestones, but on the inside that transition meant, "I'm no longer the baby am I?" Not always an easy realization/transition.

The best,
Em

[nomadmom]

Originally Posted by Embee

"I'm no longer the baby am I?" Not always an easy realization/transition.

No, I guess that seems really scary from his pov. I spoke to my friend a couple days ago and she said her ds keeps asking when the baby's coming. She's still in the 1st trimester so there's a lot of waiting yet. She said she wonders if her ds is afraid that if they go out, they might miss the baby's arrival. This kid is as rough and tumble as they come, but I think he has a sensitive, insightful side that isn't readily apparent.

[Embee]

Ah yes, those rough and tumblers are often VERY sensitive on the inside... ya know, my best advice for your friend is to play with her DS as often and she can. Let him choose the play and follow his lead and see where it goes. Sometimes this is the best way to draw out mixed feelings in our kids, especially at the younger ages where discussion is still in it's early stages and not always a satidfying way (for them) to work through something.

The book, "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen has some excellent suggestions and even has a wonderful chapter on siblings. Highly recommend.

The best to your friend... and you, thoughtful, concerned mama!

Em

[nomadmom]

Thank you for your advice and kind words.

[MamaBug]

Moving this to Childhood Years