When to advocate and when to not even bother?

[muttmom92]

I'm feeling a little guilty about not taking an opportunity to advocate for bf yesterday. I was at a baby shower for my cousin's wife. My SIL was also there. They're both due in May with their first babies.

I asked my SIL very early in the pregnancy if she planned on bf. Much to my relief she said yes even though she has to go back to work after 3 months. Ever since then I've talked to her a lot about how to have a successful bf experience. I've given her all my books on bf and AP and she's been very receptive to it. So, I feel like I've been a good advocate with her.

At the shower yesterday, someone asked my cousin's wife if she planned on bf. She said she didn't think so because her normally small breasts have grown so much during pregnancy and she's already sick of them. : Now that's the first time I heard that excuse! But I could tell that she just has no intentions of bf. She's the type of person that has spent so much more time picking out the crib bedding than she has thinking about how she's going to feed her baby or raise him.

I didn't end up saying anything to her, mostly because it was at her shower. But I just feel like she's already a lost cause re: bf. Am I too apathetic? Would you have said anything to her? I'm already the weird one in the family because I'm still nursing my 18 month old dd with so end in sight. Everyone else in my family either stops bf at 6 months or ff from the beginning. At least with my SIL, I'll have someone else on my side.

[ChattyCat]

I probably would have done the same thing. You don't want to be outed as the woman who ruined her shower (not that you would have, but some may have interpreted it that way).

My sis had twins in October 2005, and SIL had a dd last July. I gave my sister tons of info on bfing and supported her like mad, because she was very receptive to it and other aspects of AP. I was definitely more pushy with her than with SIL. With SIL, I loaned her 3 books (one each on bfing, birth, and pregnancy; all AP). I didn't really talk much about it. If she brought it up, I tried to get some health statistics in, thinking maybe she would be swayed by them (she's a nurse). I also gave her a few New Beginnings that dealt with pumping and working (since I knew she'd go back to work). My sis was totally committed to bfing, SIL was going to give it a try and see how it went.

Sis is exclusively bfing her 4 month old twins. SIL gave her dd a bottle the same day she was born, because she couldn't get her to latch right, and she was going to starve.

You can only do so much. People have to want to learn.

[Ruthla]

I can relate to the "breast growth while BF is a disadvantage to nursing" line of thinking, but it just sounds so selfish to me to use that as an excuse not to BF at all! Just as I'm going to get less sleep with a baby, I'll also have bigger boobs for a while. :

[melinoz]

I think some people just really have no intentions of even trying. I make sure people know that I'm nursing dd and that its been an awesome experience for us. But, if they're totally not on board, I'll let it go.

[mamachandi]

I would have done the same thing. My daughters friends mom (didja get that? ) was due to have a baby the same day as me. she got induced 2 weeks early and I had a homebirth 2 weeks late. She did not breastfeed because she said "my breasts didn't work,I can't breastfeed". I really wanted to connect her to le leche had I known but she had already stopped by the time I asked how it was going. I feel bummed that i couldn't help her and her babe . So I know how you feel.

[Kat's Mommy]

Originally Posted by chandraj

She did not breastfeed because she said "my breasts didn't work,I can't breastfeed".

I think some people give up too fast. I wanted to share my story with you and hopefully someone who is reading this will want to try a little harder or you can share this story with someone and hope it encourages them.

When I learned that I was pregnant, I read everything I could about breastfeeding. When DD was born (she was full term), I did not have any colostrum or milk and was told that it would come in around 4 days post partum. We saw many nurses, lactation consultants, etc, and we followed everything they told us to do. Much to my chagrin, we were told to give DD formula until my milk came in. DD and I were skin to skin, lying on the bed, I had a tube taped to my boob that was attached to a bottle and DD was supposed to suckle the nipple and the tube to help stimulate my breasts. I also pumped every two hours with a double electric pump. Again, hoping to stimulate my breasts. And, I took every chinese herbal remedy and every western herbal remedy that was suggested to me. For two weeks, DD was solely bottlefed formula...still no sign of any colostrum or milk...but I was not about to give up trying.

At the two week mark, I was still pumping every two hours (nothing came out) and was losing hope in ever believing that my body was going to produce milk. One day, I just started leaking...and boy, did I leak! We placed DD on my breast, and she refused to nurse. I pumped out the milk, and gave her breastmilk in a bottle. Once the milk came in, we stopped the formula (thank goodness).

DD still refused to nurse and I had read from many breastfeeding sites that once a baby started bottle feeding they would never want to nurse at the breast. Regardless, we kept trying to breastfeed (no luck with DD), we continued bottlefeeding breastmilk, and I continued pumping every two hours to maintain my supply (and now had a freezer full of extra breastmilk!).

I decided to listen to my heart - She didn't want the breast. I would let her lead the way and knew that she would show me when she was ready. I was just thrilled that she was getting breastmilk.

When DD was 4 weeks, she started to root for my breast. I placed her on my breast, she latched well, and I started breastfeeding. I just started crying...I was so emotional...and I was so happy. By the way, DD refused bottles after one day of nursing.

I love these precious moments I have with her and we have never looked back.

Please don't give up. It can happen...and when it does, it is beautiful.

[MaryJaneLouise]

Kat's mom...what a beautiful story!

[MaryJaneLouise]

She said she didn't think so because her normally small breasts have grown so much during pregnancy and she's already sick of them. Now that's the first time I heard that excuse!

Well, I think it's always appropriate to gently advocate. You don't need to hit people over the head, and humor always helps in situation like these. You might have said something like, well some people will pay to have their breasts grown .

Also, even if the person your are talking directly with is a lost cause, you sometimes have a secondary audience when in a group like that. Your words might have made an impression on someone else in the group, who will choose to bf their child, or support a friend or relative in bfing their child. When you speak up for bfing, you are creating a culture where it is considered normal, even if they think you aren't .

[Ellien C]

I think you did the right thing. You want to be supportive to her and not too judgemental. Maybe this first baby is a lost cause, but maybe she'll have more of an interest for future ones. You want to keep the door open as a source of information so she can feel comfortable talking to you in the future. You just never know how being a mother will change her.

Just keep the door open and let her know you are a safe place to come to when she has doubts about ANYTHING.

[mommytolittlelilly]

Originally Posted by muttmom92

I'm feeling a little guilty about not taking an opportunity to advocate for bf yesterday. I was at a baby shower for my cousin's wife. My SIL was also there. They're both due in May with their first babies.

I asked my SIL very early in the pregnancy if she planned on bf. Much to my relief she said yes even though she has to go back to work after 3 months. Ever since then I've talked to her a lot about how to have a successful bf experience. I've given her all my books on bf and AP and she's been very receptive to it. So, I feel like I've been a good advocate with her.

At the shower yesterday, someone asked my cousin's wife if she planned on bf. She said she didn't think so because her normally small breasts have grown so much during pregnancy and she's already sick of them. : Now that's the first time I heard that excuse! But I could tell that she just has no intentions of bf. She's the type of person that has spent so much more time picking out the crib bedding than she has thinking about how she's going to feed her baby or raise him.

I didn't end up saying anything to her, mostly because it was at her shower. But I just feel like she's already a lost cause re: bf. Am I too apathetic? Would you have said anything to her? I'm already the weird one in the family because I'm still nursing my 18 month old dd with so end in sight. Everyone else in my family either stops bf at 6 months or ff from the beginning. At least with my SIL, I'll have someone else on my side.

As someone with normally smaller breasts, I always found that to be kind of nice side effect. I must not have as much milk because they're definitely back to their normal size. Oh well.

I think it sounds like you did a great job advocating by talking to her about the benefits, giving her the lit to read, *while she is receptive to it.* To me, I think it's key that a person is receptive to learning, because ultimately it is only that person who can follow through. You might still want to fish around later on and see if she's still interested, and talk to her about it more at that point. Also, maybe she felt kind of self-conscious talking about it at the shower when someone asked her?

[ElektroChik]

She may be a lost cause, or maybe she just grew up in a traditional type home and is uneducated about AP and breastfeeding. I agree that her shower is not the right time or place to bring these things up, but if I were you, I would call her. Just mention that you overheard that she was planning to formula feed and are wondering if she has some time to talk about different options.

I think if she really understood all the benefits to alternative parenting, she might be swayed. I mean... the antibodies alone are great! Let her know that babies get an average of 9-12 colds a year (including their first year of life). My daughter got her first cold at 15 months since she was exclusively breastfed!

And.... not sure about the other mamas out there, but my boobs were way bigger during pregnancy and those first weeks postpartum. After a few months, all the pressure and leakage goes away. They are still a little bigger than pre-pregnancy, but not as large as they have been! (And yes, I am still nursing full time).

[ElektroChik]

Originally Posted by Kat's Mommy

I think some people give up too fast. I wanted to share my story with you and hopefully someone who is reading this will want to try a little harder or you can share this story with someone and hope it encourages them.

When I learned that I was pregnant, I read everything I could about breastfeeding. When DD was born (she was full term), I did not have any colostrum or milk and was told that it would come in around 4 days post partum. We saw many nurses, lactation consultants, etc, and we followed everything they told us to do. Much to my chagrin, we were told to give DD formula until my milk came in. DD and I were skin to skin, lying on the bed, I had a tube taped to my boob that was attached to a bottle and DD was supposed to suckle the nipple and the tube to help stimulate my breasts. I also pumped every two hours with a double electric pump. Again, hoping to stimulate my breasts. And, I took every chinese herbal remedy and every western herbal remedy that was suggested to me. For two weeks, DD was solely bottlefed formula...still no sign of any colostrum or milk...but I was not about to give up trying.

At the two week mark, I was still pumping every two hours (nothing came out) and was losing hope in ever believing that my body was going to produce milk. One day, I just started leaking...and boy, did I leak! We placed DD on my breast, and she refused to nurse. I pumped out the milk, and gave her breastmilk in a bottle. Once the milk came in, we stopped the formula (thank goodness).

DD still refused to nurse and I had read from many breastfeeding sites that once a baby started bottle feeding they would never want to nurse at the breast. Regardless, we kept trying to breastfeed (no luck with DD), we continued bottlefeeding breastmilk, and I continued pumping every two hours to maintain my supply (and now had a freezer full of extra breastmilk!).

I decided to listen to my heart - She didn't want the breast. I would let her lead the way and knew that she would show me when she was ready. I was just thrilled that she was getting breastmilk.

When DD was 4 weeks, she started to root for my breast. I placed her on my breast, she latched well, and I started breastfeeding. I just started crying...I was so emotional...and I was so happy. By the way, DD refused bottles after one day of nursing.

I love these precious moments I have with her and we have never looked back.

Please don't give up. It can happen...and when it does, it is beautiful.

Oh these hormones. I just teared up while reading this story!!!!!!

[ElektroChik]

Originally Posted by MaryJaneLouise

Also, even if the person your are talking directly with is a lost cause, you sometimes have a secondary audience when in a group like that. Your words might have made an impression on someone else in the group, who will choose to bf their child, or support a friend or relative in bfing their child. When you speak up for bfing, you are creating a culture where it is considered normal, even if they think you aren't .

This is very very true. I visited my cousin who has four kids, last summer. Three are in high school and one is two and all four of them were formula fed. She never even attempted to breastfeed! I was nursing my dd who was 8 months old back then. Even though she was still an appropriate (wink wink) age to nurse, the topic of nursing came up often. She actually said to me that she always thought it was gross to nurse and that she couldn't seperate boobs from being sexual in her mind. Understandable, but you'd after four kids you could, I don't know, get over it.

Anyways, two of her daughters are in high school, and even though my cousin isn't planning to have any more kids, I am hoping that her girls were listening to me and absorbed some of my info. They will be moms one day and they will need all the support they can get!

[Tori Gollihugh]

I agree with MaryJaneLouise. What we say as advocates doesn't have to be forceful or long, but mentioning positive and supportive reasons for BFing - regardless of the situation, can impact more than the person we're actually speaking to. I don't think that OP did wrong, by any means, but I would have said something to encourage BFing in general, not necessarily just to or for the lady for whom the shower was held.