How is your marriage, new mommies?

[xmasbaby7]

This has been the biggest shake-up to our marriage, yet, which of course, we expected.

Anyone else feeling the irrational resentment with their DH that their lives and freedoms haven't been clipped to the extent that ours have? (I love taking care of dd, but I wish that I could eat real food since I am on the elimination diet, bathe when I wanted to, and sleep for more than 2 hours at a time!)

Anybody else feeling like a lousy wife? or a stinky one?

Anyone breezing through this transition? If so, HOW?

I know it will take time to adjust, but I can easily see how the resentment and anger issues over the increased workload can lead to sexless marriages, and I don't want that!

[Jeanne_L]

thanks for posting this thread. i definitely feel resentment some days. because, like you said, while his life has changed, too, it's not to the extent that mine has. and some days i do feel a bit trapped. and i know he's been doing so much more around the house, etc, i'm still on-call 24/7... when i do feel resentful or angry, i try to acknowledge it (sometimes to him, sometimes just to myself) and just let it go. holding on to it or letting it build is so unhealthy for me.

another thing that's been hard is physical intimacy. for one, i try to sleep when ds sleeps or i'll lose my sanity... so it's hard to find time for us to be together. and the few times we have, it's been pretty uncomfortable for me... yikes...

although one thing that's been great is we started having some really great family snuggle time in the morning. ds has been waking up around 7/7:30 and is just SO smiley and happy. dh usually has about a half hour/ hour before he has to get ready for work, so the three of us just cuddle in bed and smile and coo at one another

[Minoh]

There are certainly a lot of changes to get used to. I do sometimes resent that dh is able to leave in the mornings and get away from the constant responsibility of caring for ds. Don't get me wrong, I do love parenting, but it's hard to feel so tied down at times. Like Jeanne_L, though, dh has been wonderful with doing things around the house and caring for ds when at home.

Today I am especially feeling annoyed by the difference in our roles because dh is going to a conference in a few weeks and will be gone for 4 days. Now that may not be too long a time, but boy, I certainly couldn't go away for even a day! I doubt that I would want to even if I had the opportunity - it would be really hard to leave ds for so long! I guess I'm just wishing dh didn't have to go away at all because I'll just really miss him .

In some ways our marriage is stronger than ever before, and in some ways it's just different.

[MistyB]

We went through tons of stuff in our first year or two.

Freshly pregnant, married, moved across the ocean, 9-11, 80 hour work weeks, fulltime graduate school, working 3rd shifts, premature baby, deployments to the middle east, never seeing each other...crazy.

We both still joke that we can't figure out how we stayed married through all of it when we both so unhappy for the first 2 years of our marriage. But life is WAY less stressful now and it makes us realize that because we weathered THAT...that we can handle anything.

It took me a good 18 months of being a SAHM to not resent what I was missing. I had this enormous feeling hanging over my head that I was wasting away in isolation and wasting my life. I stayed at home because I flet it was best for our child, not because I really wanted to for myself. And then one day it just clicked. I don't know why. I became very grateful that I was able to stay home, that it was something that we could afford. I decided to look at it being my job/career. I did every other job I ever had before with full effort and energy. I made it my goal to be that kind of wife and mom.

This birth has provided little to no stress into our lives in terms of our relationship. If anything, I think it has brought us closer together. He is getting a chance to be a papa the right way...something he didn't have the chance to do the first time around. I am getting a chance to have help and not to feel so alone in the process.

So for us, it has been pretty much all wonderful.

[birthjunkie27]

Funny you should post this, because I am currently having some issues being that I'm on a dairy elim diet (It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. I miss my dairy!).....I am SO resentful of DH at times that he doesn't have to sacrifice anything. And he gets time out of the house while he's at work. I don't want to have a job...I love being a SAHM, but sometimes I long for adult companionship. Ya know?

But other than that, we're doing good.

[IncaMama]

yes i had this more this time than last time, ironically. i think it's because now i'm in my SIXTH year of a doctoral program, see no end in sight, and have been away from the work force for a long time now. i taught a couple classes last year, but didn't spend any time in an office, really. i miss that. i miss my old life. i miss meeting up with colleagues to talk about racial identity theory, public education policy, etc...i miss intellectual stimulation. and i'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally feelin' the DH-resentment when he tells me that my time away can be in the form of playgroups or grocery store trips. um...no. that is not even REMOTELY the same thing.

blegh. i don't even wanna go there tonight bc i'll just get pissed off. i'll come back tomorrow when dave's out of the house for several hours. he's downstairs playing with our kids right now so i wanna keep the hubby-love for tonight. LOL!!

[Panthira]

My Dh and I have a rock solid marriage, but there are times I do resent him and I let him know it. My friend today asked me if the shoe was comin' off.

I understand about the elimination diet. I've had to eliminate EVERYTHING until my surgery scheduled at the end of March. That means no dairy, no meat (except fish), no spicy food, no oils or fats. I had a small handful of pumpkin seeds and had an attack. They are eating pizza tonight and I'm up in the room with the baby hiding so I don't have to see it or smell it.
I'm past resentment over this and just resigned. *sigh*

Anyway, one day I made my husband watch the kids. I pumped milk and handed him bottles the baby didn't much like. By the end of the day my DH was soooo stressed and he resented ME. Hahaha I felt like what it was like to be in his shoes and be resented. I need more days o' that! He also felt what it was like for me (somewhat) and he is more understanding.
We still get into it now and then, but we don't really fight or anything.

[IncaMama]

LOL panthira it's funny you mention about the switcheroo you did. the very first time that he watched Rowan all by himself for a whole day, almost 3 years ago now, when i came home he literally held me and cried and told me that he'd never take me for granted again, that he knew what i was dealing with and had no idea how i did it, etc...

pft. never take me for granted again MY ASS!!!! LMAO!!! now when he has to watch both kids for an hour, i get home and he's all "WHERE IN THE $%*@ HAVE YOU BEEN???"

it was nice while it lasted. LOL!!!

[allnaturalmama]

I have to say I did have those feelings with DS1 - very intensely. We had just moved 2000 miles while I was 36 wks pg, and DH's new job was crazy hours, up to 90hrs/wk - we only had one car, and I had to drop him off/pick him up at the train station 2x a day, which meant 2 hrs a day in the car listening to colicky baby scream, and DH seemed clueless as to how hard the whole situation was for me.

But, it did get better. After about a year of that, he finally grew to understand how I felt. We moved away from that crazy life and had two more kids. This time, the transition from 2 to 3 kiddos with Will has actually drawn us closer together! I honestly think going from 0 kids to the first one was the most difficult time our marriage has seen. Hang in there mamas, it gets better!

[birthjunkie27]

The stories of husbands being left with the kids is cracking me up!

The first time I left Dh alone with Mikayla and Jimmy was when Jimmy was 2 mos old. I NEEDED a night out....I was going crazy. I pumped some milk, and left for a few hours. A couple of hours into it he called, practically crying, saying that he needed me to come home. When I returned, there were used diapers laying all over the place (how many diapers did he go through in the 2 hrs I was gone? LOL!) the kids were both screaming and he somehow even managed to blow up the microwave.

First time I left him with all 3 kiddos was about 2 wks ago. My friend was having a bachelorette party (which was actually just dinner and drinks at a friend's apartment....no strippers or anything ). I pumped some milk for Samara and gave dh the option of feeding her by bottle, medicine dropper, or cup (she doesn't do well with bottles). I was only planning on being gone 3 hours TOPS. Well, I got the call about 1 hr into my night and had to come home.

I LOVE my babies, but I feel trapped knowing that I can't have ANY "me" time until Samara is much older. Good thing is that Dh literally got on his knees and bowed to me , saying that he can't believe I take care of the three kids on my own EVERY day. It felt good knowing what it's like to be in my shoes....even if it was only for an hour.

[birthjunkie27]

The stories of husbands being left with the kids is cracking me up!

The first time I left Dh alone with Mikayla and Jimmy was when Jimmy was 2 mos old. I NEEDED a night out....I was going crazy. I pumped some milk, and left for a few hours. A couple of hours into it he called, practically crying, saying that he needed me to come home. When I returned, there were used diapers laying all over the place (how many diapers did he go through in the 2 hrs I was gone? LOL!) the kids were both screaming and he somehow even managed to blow up the microwave.

First time I left him with all 3 kiddos was about 2 wks ago. My friend was having a bachelorette party (which was actually just dinner and drinks at a friend's apartment....no strippers or anything ). I pumped some milk for Samara and gave dh the option of feeding her by bottle, medicine dropper, or cup (she doesn't do well with bottles). I was only planning on being gone 3 hours TOPS. Well, I got the call about 1 hr into my night and had to come home.

I LOVE my babies, but I feel trapped knowing that I can't have ANY "me" time until Samara is much older. Good thing is that Dh literally got on his knees and bowed to me , saying that he can't believe I take care of the three kids on my own EVERY day. It felt good knowing what it's like to be in my shoes....even if it was only for an hour.

[IncaMama]

bethany - that story is even BETTER the second time!! LMAO!!

[aisraeltax]

well, i am kind of glad this post was started b/c i have been feeling kind of alone about this and didnt want to post anything negative, but i have to tell you dh does nothing w/ the babe. he looks at him in the evenign and will hold him a few minutes but thats it. Ethan was totally unexpected and there was no option in my mind (for me, don't get me wrong...just my personal choice) in having him, so i told dh (who didnt totally feel the same way) that i woudl take care of everything...well, that is exactly what i am doing and it has been getting to me. it woudl just be nice if i could sit at the computer for more than 15 minutes at a time (i forget what i wanted to do before i have time to do it), or organize my basement (its kind of cold down there so i dont want to take Ethan down there).
sorry to be such a party pooper...just a little down about it.
oh...and if i complain? i get "well, you are the one who wanted to do this at our age". OUR age? im only 37 (well, for at least a few more months).
sorry...a bit down at the moment w/ Ethan screaming if he isnt eating or sleeping for the last 2 days.

rach

[IncaMama]

ooooh i'd be livid, rachel. i'm so sorry your dh is being a poop about things. it sounds like he needs a real wakeup call. the next time he says "you wanted to do this at our age" remind him whose PENIS did the deed. pft. last i checked you weren't an asexually reproducing amoeba. i HATE that kind of attitude. i'm sure he's a fabulous guy but he's on my poop list right now.
*hug*

[aisraeltax]

thanks michelle! you always cheer me up! i don't really mind that much and there isn't much i can do to get him to change right now...just kind of bummed out about it sometimes when i get tired, kwim??? i do ENJOY taking care of him. looking at him knowing this is my last babe...each day is the last day i get to experience "this age"...and i am relishing in it for the moment.

[IncaMama]

yeah...i know what you mean...and of course you enjoy taking care of your babe, that's soooo not the point. LOL it would still be super cool if one evening he just said, out of the blue, "here, honey...let me take over. you look like you could use some rest or a nice hot bath." wouldn't it???? LOL

i swear i'm not trying to get you pissed off at your hubby. LMAO! i just know that it must be frustrating to have the decision to carry your baby to term kinda thrown in your face when you're ALREADY having a bad day and would just like some help. *HUG*

[birthjunkie27]

Oops, didn't realize I double posted last time.

Rach, I would be SO pissed off!!!! I'm totally with Michele on this. I'm sure you're dh is a good guy, but HOW can he take on this kind of attitude towards his son?!? Sheesh. When Dh and I were talking about having baby #3 (I wanted baby, he didn't) I would say things like "I'll change all the diapers. You'll never have to get up at night. You'll never even notice there's a baby." God, I sounded like a 10 yr old boy who wanted a puppy. Well, THANK GOD Dh hasn't held me to my word. He helps tremendously with diaper changing on his days off, and even after work sometimes. Don't get me wrong though....there are days when he'll come home from work and not even acknowledge the baby until he's getting ready to go to bed and I'll be like, "Daddy, Samara wants to say hello". How can men be that way? If I were away from the house for 12+ hours I'd be all over the baby as soon as I stepped in the door. Anyways...Rach, your dh is on my "poop" list too.

[IncaMama]

yeah, what IS it with guys? after 12 hours of being away from my babies (well first of all i'd probably look like some boob fetishist's dream woman LOL) i'd be so eager to see them i couldn't see straight!!!

[xmasbaby7]

Yes, I am very sorry, too, that your DH hasn't had the wake-up call he really needs.

I guess even when both parents are eager and willing, it won't ever feel like 50/50. When dd is older, I know dh will be much more willing to take her and play with her and stroll her, etc.

I feel like the first time transition with kids is sort of a no-win situation for my dh. he does SO much with housework and cooking now, and he took dd out of our bed on Sunday and let me sleep 50 minutes longer. Those gestures are much appreciated!

I am rambling. I hoe we all get what we need in the months ahead!

[aisraeltax]

yeh, i totally agree with you guys. but, there isnt much productivity going to come out of me complaining about it. i know my options, and for right now, this is good...i have my babe that i thought i would never have (they told me when i was 18 i would never have children. doctors!!!. but he's here, and i get to stay home with him and for the most part he's a really good baby.
he still eats all the friggin' time, so there is no way i could go even an hour without being with him right now. i have tried to express milk and give it to dh (mentally tried i mean) but i haven't been able to do it quite yet.

my big explorations away from Ethan were to get my teeth cleaned (they both slept in the waiting room) and to get a root canal (as soon as she took all the crap out of my mouth, i ran and nursed Ethan while making dh hear all the information they should have been telling me).

KNOWING this will be my last babe sets me up for a very dirty house and KNOWING i will have to go back to work soon (thats a relative term) sets me up for doing nothing other than hanging out with the kids (well, other than the teenager...does anyone want one of those?? jk!!).

thanks for the support..i know he's a boob when it comes to this...but he does come and help with dinner (or he doesnt' get any)...and he is enabling me to stay at home right now (not too happily, i might add).

so all in all..he's certainly not perfect...but i am kind of getting what i want right now so i put up with his reluctance to take on the care and maintenance of his son (oh, but he's quick to tell me to get a pad under the baby's butt if i am changing him on the bed...if only he knew what we do when he's at work! lol!).