Am I raising a wuss?

[RasJane]

I have a 4 year old ds. I have always felt I was raising him to be a caring a sensitive person. I try to follow his lead, not push him into situations that are beyond his comfort level. Instead I let him stand back and observe before getting involved.
But now that we are getting out a bit more and I am watching him interact with more kids his age, I am finding that he really is a bit of a wimp. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe it.
He is afraid of everything. He doesn't play like the other kids. No climbing, jumping off of anything. He is afraid to try anything new--ever. He also is usually afraid to leave my side. He doesn't even like to walk without holding my hand. The slightest problem of any kind brings on a torrent of tears.
Should I be worried? Is there anything I can do to help him be a bit more confident in his abilities. I think he has the skills to do all kinds of things that he doesn't think he can do.
Anyone else been through this?

[3boys4us]

I don't think it's being wussy. It could be called being cautious.

Ds#1 was cautious for a long time and then about the time he started school he made friends with an older boy who was more adventurous. It helped him get over it.

We also encouraged him to take up sports that were non-competitive, swimming, skiing etc... We hike a lot and do alot of outdoor stuff so he did get physical just not in the way boys are "supposed" to. I do admit to pushing him a little but it was really being around other boys that helped him. His dad was great at this and much more pateint. Dh is not a physical person either and I think this had something to do with it.

He's much more outgoing now then he was but he will always be the last to join in even now. He's almost 9yrs.

IMO encourage him a little (maybe participate in sports or something with him) but try to notice his own interests. Maybe he's not physical but loves Legos. Or maybe he likes animal stuff.

[Jillby]

that is my ds too! he is almost 5 and tears are very frequent! we were at at picture studio getting a family photo done and the only picture we got was of him with his head turned and not smiling.after that he just broke down! he said he didn't like people looking at him.one of the problems with Mason is he is so big for his age,70 pounds and tall,that sometimes everyone expects too much from him! but he is very shy. he will warm up to my friends after a while though.he is quite particular who he talks to. he nursed until just about 9 months ago.and he has always been super clingy.I just let him be himself for the most part.
I wish he would want to join some sport but he is too scared.I am hoping he will grow out of his shyness/cautiosness,but still remain my sweet boy.

[simonee]

You probably just birthed a wuss :LOL :LOL :LOL

You're teaching him that it's okay to be afraid and to acknowledge his fears. Nothing wrong with that. Like others said, he sounds cautious rather than wimpy. Or is that the same in boys? In girls, such "wimpiness" is usually more appreciated.

When his peers are going space diving and whatall, you'll be happy at home with him

[Pigpen]

You didn't make him the way he is. I think it's wonderful that you allow him to be who he is. Children are so sensitive, they pick up on everything, they need to know mom and dad love them exactly the way they are.

[Kirsten]

Is your ds your first child? I think my mom kind of "directed" me (unconciously of course) to be kind of wussy, at least in physical things. A dog would come along and she would grab me to her. I would fall down and she would run over with a worried look and "are you OK???" A lot of "be careful"s and "don't get hurt"s. I took her fears to my heart. Never played sports. Scared of dogs. Took forever to learn to swim (she never did). I am the opposite of adventurous. This has not been a huge problem for me but I can see where my sister and brother fared better in this regard. By then, my mom realized that kids don't break and even if they do, they heal up.
With my kids, I try to always be more calm, more assuming all is well. If they fall and it is really minor, I may not even comment - or just a quick "oops - jump back up". When they do get hurt, I do hug and hold them but try to quickly get them to help themselves by rubbing it or getting the "boo boo bear" from the freezer. When we see someone roller skating or canoeing or climbing a tree, I comment that it looks like fun. Just being positive about stuff that may seem like an accident waiting to happen to our mom instincts.
Of course, kids are just born with certain tendencies and maybe he is just a cautious, sensitive kid. But it is possible to be too cautious and too sensitive. Seems like you want to help him find some middle ground.
Kirsten

[Chelly2003]

Originally posted by Kirsten
Is your ds your first child? I think my mom kind of "directed" me (unconciously of course) to be kind of wussy, at least in physical things. A dog would come along and she would grab me to her. I would fall down and she would run over with a worried look and "are you OK???" A lot of "be careful"s and "don't get hurt"s.

I've been A LOT like that with my son(3 1/2), I find its really hard for me to ignore it when I see him doing something that "could" hurt or cause an accident, but I'm getting better!!!
He became much more adventurous etc.... at his day care, I think seeing all the other kids doing stuff - got him going.
Chelly

[Clarity]

hmmm...I know you'll think I'm psycho...

wuss = wussy, which is socially acceptable for = pussy = vagina and/or a girl

So I think I'd interject that let's not have differnet standards of behavior for girls and boys (not that you do...but many parents expect a boy to be physcially agressive and a girl more cautious or fearful) and maybe our terms can be more gender-loaded than we think. "acting like a girl" etc.

As for more practical advice, my friend with a sensitive and anxious older child has started in in acupuncture (5-element). It does seem to help.

[RasJane]

Thanks, it helps to know that he is not the only one.
I really don't like the term wuss, but it was all I could think of. I think I worry since he is so cautious, about those labels. I want a sensitive child, but I don't want him to be ostracized by others, KWIM. other boys can be so terribly cruel. (girls too, I remember well! lol)
Yes, Kirsten, he is my first child and I know that I have "encouraged" the behavior. He has life-threatening food allergies. to the point he had some nasty reactions after playing with other children's toys as a baby during that oral stage. He has seen me stop other kids and make them wash their hands before they can play with our toys and such. I think it has made him scared to play with other children. But I am working on reassuring him that it is not the children I am worried about and that as long as hands are clean or they are not working on a snack, it is okay to play.
Funny story though. We love to go hiking and went up to a trail near Mt. Hood. He was doing a great job of forging the streams that went accross the trail. We were praising him and his efforts and he finally belts out, "Stop that! Don't ever say good job." I asked him what I should say when I am so proud of him and he said, "just stay quiet." Well, then... That's my boy!

[journeymom]

That is so interesting! I was just reading....somewhere, now of course I don't remember, advice saying do not praise your child for every good job they do. In some instances (stream hopping, I guess?) your child might think, "What, were they doubting I would make it??" I definitly praise my kids lavishly when they come to me saying, "Mommy see what I just did!"

I'm confronting the "cautious" issue in both my kids: 8 y.o. dd and 3 3/4 y.o. ds. Dh and I are both pretty sedentary now, but I wasn't when I was a kid. Though I have always been klutzy, so I've had to be cautious in order to A) not humilate myself and, B) not injure myself.

But I do want my daughter to be more physically daring than she is and it is a very little disappointing. I guess I hoped she would manage what I didn't. I take comfort in the fact that she's a top reader in her class!

I do think we are born with certain personalities that our parents don't instill in us. Your son is probably naturally cautious. I've been working one day a week in ds's preschool for a couple of months now and it has been eye-opening to me how different kids are. And I really think parents can only take 50% of the blame and credit for their kids personalities and abilities.

[mimmy]

I didn't read the other replies to your post, so I hope I am not being too repetitive. But, your ds sounds just like my oldest. He always seemed "wimpy" compared to the other kids - we just accepted it as his temperment and tried to support him - and not get exasperated. Anyway fast forward to today. He's 10 yrs old, very outgoing, strong and independent. For example, he just ran his first triathelon last weekend and he went away with a friend's family the weekend before for a long cross-country skiing trip. He's no more or less wimpy than any other boy in his class - but I do think that he is more empathetic and understanding than most of his friends. Actually, when I think of it, the most "wus-sy" boys in his class are the ones who, at first glance, act with the most bravado. So, you never can tell!

[Lucky Charm]

I was definitely more afraid/cautious with my first, and now she's almost 16 and afraid of her own shadow! still, it sounds to me like your son is part personality (this is who he is) and part your doing...meaning your caution has made him cautious and a bit tentative. dont worry, later on peer pressure will get to him, and he'll be climbing trees! (and hopefully, not falling out of them!).

my boys are the total opposite. total daredevils, with total disregard for their bodies. climbing trees, who can kick the soccer ball the hardest and farthest. they play hockey and basketball in the basement, and i have the broken windows to prove it. they have jumped off the top bunk, from the top step (inside the house), from the top of my husbands armoire. they have used the sled and snow "disc" in the house on the stairs. they rollerblade entirely too fast. they climb the big tree in our backyard entirely too high. my 12 yr old is going snowboarding this weekend. i'd take your sensitive little guy any day!

if my son had life threatening allergies, i would be the same way...who can protect him better than you? just continue doing what your doing, maybe get his confidence up.

[greenluv]

something similar...

When our oldest was about 4 we had her at a park where she was standing close to some monkey bars. Another little girl was climbing all over them, she beckoned to my daughter then called an invitation to climb up.

My daughter glanced at daddy who was close enough to hear the convo, then said " Oh, no. I can't climb up there because my daddy would have a cow!"

This little exchange illustrated a point I had been trying to make for ages. Dady was a bit over protective! Eventually he was able to loosen up and adopt the belief that he had to let her grow and try new things.

It's tough to strike a balance, especially when it's your first born

Like some of the other posters said, he'll come around once he is old enough to understand why you had to be so cautious in the beginning.

[cattrane]

my only advice is to talk talk talk to him about it

my ds will be five next month, and has areas where he is very sensitive. he takes his drawings very seriously, and will become upset if another kid scribbles on the paper to be funny ~ i talk constantly when we're out or after visits with other kids, about his feelings, about his reactions to things, about how he thought the other kid was feeling, how his reaction made HIM feel etc.... so for him i KNOW that drawings are extremely important to him, and have no problem standing my ground or helping him to learn the words to stand his ground on that issue.

he was very much an observer when he was younger, until he got to know the people or place to his satisfaction. this was especially apparent at parks where there were older, more rambunctious kids. i just let him do his thing (he'd usually have his stuffed cat with him and they would play elaborate games) and then talk about the other kids later, so i could get a feel for what made him wary etc....

since last summer he has been much more outgoing. he will go up to other kids now, or just join in their game. he also (with a little encouragement when i see him thinking about it lol) will help younger kids play, like showing them how to go down the slide, or use the digger tool etc. maybe that would be a good starting point for your son, showing him how there are other kids that are hanging back a little more like him, and 'shall i go over with you and ask if you can help them build with the blocks?' etc

compassion is the MOST important quality i am trying to instill in my son. i don't think it is a trait that our culture supports, in men or women. our daycare provider thinks ds needs to 'toughen up', but because i know exactly what his feelings are, i have no problem telling her she's full of crap LOL (or rather, making my dh do it, because *i* AM a chicken!! another reason i am being careful how i approach this subject with ds!) because i am raising a strong, compassionate, loving man, not a power ranger.

[emmaline]

RasJane Please consider that yr ds's caution may well be life-saving for him. He is only young now but when he is out in the world more as he gets older you will be less aqnd less able to ensure his physical safety - he needs to be cautious to survive, you know I'm not being overly dramatic about this.

We have had real issues with this lately as our ds1 is now 12 and has to often decide for himself if something is safe or not and his caution (which sometimes has driven me crazy) is essential to his wellbeing. Recently a trusted friend almost gave him a dessert with hazel nuts in!! she had made something else specially for him without nuts but forgot at the right moment to pass it to him! his caution was essential to his safety - it certainly spills over into other aspects of his life where i wish he could be more experimental, but he can't be everything all at once.