How to bring up not circing

[LavenderMae]

to a newish friend. She brought it up briefly yesterday talking about her dh (he is) and the fact he is having another surgery on his gentials ( a VAS reversal). Anyway, they will be TTC very soon, so there is a chance they will be having another boy (they have 2ds's and a dd). I'm pretty sure from how she talked about her dh being circed that her sons are as well.
The biggie is if I do "educate" her on circ and they do it anyway I don't know if I can remain friends with her. And that would/could be very uncomfortable because we belong to the same homeschool group, infact she usually takes my kids and me to our park day once a week. I really wish I would have just said something yesterday when the subject came up.
I just hate this sh!t is even an issue, PEOPLE stop cutting your sons already.

Anyway I need an approach that will not put her off , piss her off or make her just not listen (especially since she's most likely already circed 2 sons).

[~Megan~]

Maybe say something like, "I know this goes without saying but you are not planning on circumcising, are you? I know, its ridiculous to even think some one might do that with all the information against it. I just have to ask."

[LavenderMae]

That is so funny because one of my other friends said almost the exact same thing as you. And it is very good advice!!
I am just upset that I even need to say anything. The preggo hormones aren't helping much either.
I do think this is the approach I'll take.
I brought up another thing to her once (about the ADHD drug her dd is on) and I could tell she was put off by me even asking her. She was nice about it but I just got the feeling I had made her feel defensive and I really didn't mean to. All I asked is if she had read a report on said drug (and bad side effects) that someone had posted on our Homeschool group's website.

[nd_deadhead]

mamao'two, I'm afraid that if she is set on circumcising (and has never considered an alternative), this approach might make her very defensive - which is what sheacoby is trying to avoid.

Maybe a more neutral approach would be to mention the recent Consumer Reports article about the 10 most often unnecessary operations, with infant circ at #4. It brings the subject up in a non-judgemental way, and is almost guaranteed to get a reaction one way or the other!

Sheacoby, if she DOES plan to circ, you might simply say "We didn't, and I'm really glad. I've done some research on the subject and I was surprised to learn that the foreskin is a pretty important part of the penis!" Of course you have the tools to refute any sort of myth or misconception she might ceom up with. But I would strive to be as low-key and unemotional as possible (good luck with that!).

If she seems really solid in her stance, change gears and talk about pain control. You might not ba able to change her mind, but at least you can make sure her son is as comfortable as possible.

[LavenderMae]

Yeah that is something to think about. I really don't want to make her feel defensive. Should I just ask her if she intends to , to start? Or should I start by saying we didn't and why? I just want to approach this in the best possible manner so I have the best chance of getting her to think about it and hopefully decide against circ.
thanks for the replies!

[Yoshua]

I know circ is a touchy subject for people. Even though I am anti-circ I wouldn't cut someone out my life if they choose to circ their child. Yes it is barbaric, but it is really a cultural mind set and we aren't going to change it in a day. It will probably be more impacted by the fact that so many kids today are not circed and when they grow up they will educate more people.

It won't be an overnight process and I don't expect all my friends to understand that circing is bad, I just expect myself to let them know what I know and let them make decisions, right or wrong, from there.

just my opinion about my friends though.

[LavenderMae]

Yoshua, I get what your saying but if someone knows better and still circs I have a hard time respecting them. It changes how I see them in a very negative light. The people I'm friends with are not mainstream, they question so so much and circ shouldn't be any different.

I think it takes the gentle activists and the angry in your face activists and all in between to make true changes.

[LavenderMae]

Another question. Should I talk to her in person or write her an e-mail (we talk by e-mail a lot)? I do want to mention I am much better expressing my self in writing if that makes a difference. But I know some people think it's better to discuss things face -to- face.

[Yoshua]

Originally Posted by Sheacoby

Yoshua, I get what your saying but if someone knows better and still circs I have a hard time respecting them. It changes how I see them in a very negative light. The people I'm friends with are not mainstream, they question so so much and circ shouldn't be any different.

I think it takes the gentle activists and the angry in your face activists and all in between to make true changes.

I understand, I really do.


When someone has been trained their entire LIFE to be one way, and in one day or week or month, or even year, they have 1 or 2 people giving them a TON of information telling them that they are wrong, or in the case of a man, telling him he is broken because he is circumcised (which sometimes is how it is taken, i know that is how I felt, and still feel) then rejection often occurs.

Human nature to disbeleive what is new sometimes and I accept my friends inspite of their poor choices. I have some friends that recreationally use drugs. I am VERY anti drug, however they respect that and do not do it around me.

I am VERY VERY VERY adamant about being anti drug, probably as much as anti-circ. My definition of what a drug is may be different from other peoples because of personal definitions, but trust me when I say it is big on my list of no no's.

However, I have been friends with these people my entire life. I don't cut them out, I just dont have what they do around me.


Circing is different in that way coz you cant just 'forbid' them to not bring a circ around, but I still accept my friends even if they choose to be ignorant.


Look at it this way, if I have an intact son, and they have a cut son, when those 2 children get to an age to ask why they are different I would have an oppourtunity to tell my son what happened to their son. Then my son tells their son what happened and their son now asks their mom 'Why did you cut my penis?'.... You still have a small chance to make a difference if there is a presense. If there is no presense there is no affect.

Just my personal opinion and you have every right to yours, and you really should do what you are comfortable with and what you feel is right. I'm really just giving out what I would do in the situation.

[paquerette]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

Even though I am anti-circ I wouldn't cut someone out my life if they choose to circ their child. Yes it is barbaric, but it is really a cultural mind set and we aren't going to change it in a day.

And I tend to think that's how to change a cultural mindset, via peer pressure.

[Yoshua]

Originally Posted by paquerette

And I tend to think that's how to change a cultural mindset, via peer pressure.

You have your methods. I have mine.



As for the OP.

I would bring up stuff the next time the oppourtunity comes up personally.

Our conversation may be totally unnessesary, she may be open minded and listen to you. Weather it be in email or not, I don't know. Personally I'd like to be RIGHT there when they had questions about it that way they don't have time to mull over defenses. But that is just my attack plan when I talk to people about it.

I also use shock factor when I talk to people about it. Talk about how it removes the male g-spot and how I feel robbed. That tactic may not work with ya, but I'm sure you will find a way to broach the subject..... Or you could wait to find out if it is a boy or a girl and then broach the subject. Totally up to you.

[LavenderMae]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

Our conversation may be totally unnessesary, she may be open minded and listen to you.

I truly hope so!! I think I'll wait a bit and see if the subject come up again. If it hasn't by the time she gets pregnant I will make a point to bring it up.

Thank you all for giving me advice, I really appreciate it.

[jessjgh1]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead

Sheacoby, if she DOES plan to circ, you might simply say "We didn't, and I'm really glad. I've done some research on the subject and I was surprised to learn that the foreskin is a pretty important part of the penis!"

I think that is a really great way to start the conversation even before you know what another person's 'plan' is.

Jessica

[calngavinsmom]

I think if you are corresponding regularly with e-mail and you feel more comfortable in that medium then I would go that route. There are two huge bonuses to that too. One, you feel more comfortable so would probably be able to speak more eloquently and be able to organize what you want to say beforehand. And second, links! You can back up what you have to say with solid information and visual aids.

One person who I spoke with on this(my stepsister) I simply gave her the Mothering article in an envelope and scrawled on the front "This is an artilce that I read when I was pregnant with my first. I am eternally greatful that I did read it and thought you might find it interesting too. Any questions, feel free to ask me) That was a nice, non-confrontaional way to start a dialogue on circumcision. And it could be done via e-mail as well.

Good luck to you!
Tara