help me get ds into the car without a battle

[bluets]

For the past week or so, my 13 month old ds has decided that he doesn't want to get into the car. Ever.

Our typical morning routine: shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, put on shoes, put on jacket, put ds into the SUV and into carseat, drive to daycare.

Lately, ds has been crying the minute he sees the car door, he begins a major meltdown.

Ds just learned how to physically "melt" (i.e., go limp) so it is now really difficult to get him into the SUV. It's too high to let him try to climb in. Once he's inside, he has another meltdown about getting into his carseat. He's still just a little too small to actually climb into the seat himself.

Getting into the car and into the carseat really are not options. We've tried "flying" into the car, but that isn't working anymore. One option that is possible is who helps him - mommy or daddy. But he fights that as well.

I've tried offering a snack. He usually takes the snack and continues crying, if we offer the snack as distraction before he's seated.

I've tried offering a toy that we use only in the car, but he usually shakes his head "no no no no". And pushes it away.

The whole time he's throwing a fit, he's pointing to the outside if the garage door is up. Taking him outside to check out things is a possibility, but we only have so much time to get out the door in the morning. How long do we let him explore before we press the issue of getting into the car?

He gets similarly upset when we try to get into the car at the end of the day to go home from daycare. A snack treat works then, to some extent.

Help! I can handle most of his other meltdowns but this one is just totally baffling me.

[Attached Mama]

maybe give the snack after he gets in the seat?? good luck!

[marincarrie]

Hi--this has been an issue for us for the longest time...my son is now 30 months. I have to constantly change my tactics, as he gets older, and as he gets wise to what I'm doing! Some things that have worked--pretending that the car is a train, saying "All aboard!" and "chugging" out to the car. Putting him in his seat and taking his ticket.

Now I give him a few minutes to climb around in the car, and then give him the choice of climbing in by himself, or having me put him in. If he doesn't make a choice, then I count to three, and he will always by three climb in because he wants to do it himself!

I went to a parenting seminar a few weeks ago, and the presenter had a unique view on these things. She said if your kids are pre-verbal (which I'm assuming yours is), you should do what she calls "talk-throughs" with your kids. This entails talking through what is going to happen, at least 10 times a day. So you would say that when it's time to go, we're going to put on your shoes, and coat and go out to the car, etc....she says that if you do this enough times for your child, it begins to work like positive visualization. Your childs begins to see themselves doing the "right" thing, and then it starts to be an automatic thing for them.

It sounds like a reasonable idea...I haven't tried it, but a friend of mine did with her 15 month old and has had great success!

Good luck!
Carrie & Boden (8-19-03)

[Ruby Pearl]

I guess I should do more reading before I post questions to see if someone has already asked. Hee hee. I just posted this same question this morning about my almost 2 year old.

[bluets]

we usually do the talk-through... hasn't been helping...

this morning was a little better - he was distracted eating his own pear this morning so i took that time to slip on his socks and his shoes. then when it was time to go, we went out the front door (he likes the front garden! who knew?) and walked down the path while dh backed out the car. it was a leisurely walk with no jacket in the rain... he was so happy. : the other thing we did was adjust his carseat so that it was a little bit more upright, like by one notch or so - i noticed last night that he was straining to see on the way home. so with oatcake cookie in hand, he fought momentarily but then settled into the carseat and was GLEEFUL on the drive. i guess he just wanted to see more.

he's going through something right now though (growth spurt?) - he totally lost it when we got home - happy one minute then completely crying on the floor the next minute. we skipped dinner - he just wasn't interested. we jumped in the tub together and he fell asleep, nursing, in the tub. it was most bizarre.

[DevaMajka]

Have you tried to make a tip, to somewhere not on a time schedule? Let him play in the car. My ds (19 mos now) LOVES sitting at he steering wheel. He even tries to put the key in, pretends to turn it, and tries to do other stuff he sees us do. lol. There's something about giving him time to play and do what he wants, that makes him happier to do what WE want.
Half of the time now, he gets in his seat (or lets us put him in) within a minute of being in the car. Sometimes it takes 5-10 min. VERY rarely, does it take longer.
I also bought a carseat toy piano thing, and I give it to him every ride. And he always has a sippy cup and a snack.
And, if he just HAS to get in the seat soon, I try to word it as "It's time to get in your seat now" As if I fully expect that he will comply. I find that saying "you have to get in your seat. We have to go." sounds like I'm trying to *convince him to choose* to get in his seat. Also, I've learned to pay close attention to the tone of my voice. You know that higher pitched tone you use with "have to's"- the one that makes you sound completely overwhelmed and "out of control"? yeah, it sounds that way to kids too. lol. And I've found that when I use that tone (and I notice it when dp uses that tone), that ds is less likely to go along. I think it overwhelmes HIM. He seems to be confused, or something. He practically ignores us, and goes on his own business. But if I use a calm, normal tone of voice, one the *expects* that he will do what I'm asking, then I know that whatever his action, is his REAL choice. (if he chooses not to, it's because he has consciously chosen not to- and that means that we have to work to make it agreeable to him to do it. As opposed to just ignoring me and not doing it.) does that make any sense at all? lol

Here's a nice article that I liked http://www.scottnoelle.com/parenting/unconditional.htm
About 2/3 of the way down the page, the section called An “Unconditional Surrender”

[bluets]

well, i had thought about the approach in the article, under "Unconditional Surrender" - until i realized that we'd actually have to be trying to get into the car 30 minutes earlier than we do (which isn't going to happen - ds just loves to sleep!), just to make sure we had enough time for him to initiate the "getting into the car seat" step on his own. i definitely would like to use that approach some other time when we're not in a hurry (like on the way home from groceries or something).

i hadn't thought about the "pretend trip" - we'll have to try that some time too. he's only now getting interested in sitting in big chairs - got a huge kick sitting in dh's chair in the office while i was packing up my stuff this morning.

[Ruby Pearl]

Originally Posted by bluets

we usually do the talk-through... hasn't been helping...
he's going through something right now though (growth spurt?) - he totally lost it when we got home - happy one minute then completely crying on the floor the next minute. we skipped dinner - he just wasn't interested. we jumped in the tub together and he fell asleep, nursing, in the tub. it was most bizarre.

I have soooo been there done that, right down to my toddler falling asleep in the tub nursing. That makes it fun to try to get out doesn't it?

Just a thought here that has occasionally worked for me. You said your son loves to sleep, well can you let him stay asleep while you gently dress him and transfer him to the car? This has worked well for me on early morning trips, but most of ours unfortunately are long after she is already awake.