What to say to ds when he witnesses violent discipline?

[Montessorimom8]

Today we were at the doctors, and there was a little boy about 18-24 mos. old. He was playing with legos, or rather throwing them around, not hurting anyone but yeah, causing noise, etc. But that is beside the point...the mom, repeated herself over and over and over, "Do not throw, do not throw" no re-directing, etc. Well after a few mintues of this, she hit him on the face! Not even like a slap, more like a pop, but I was horrified, especially since ds, 4, witnessed this. Fortunately, though, I honestly think he didn't really 'see' it because he thought it was hilarious that the little boy was throwing stuff and making noise, thank goodness.

I hope I never witness this kind of thing again, but being in the world we live in, I'm sure I will, and the next time ds Will notice it. What on earth do I say to him? Do I say, loud enough for him to hear, "That was not very nice of her, we do not hit anyone" or do I say this to him in private after the fact? I'd rather say something to him right at the moment, since I'm sure this would be troubling to him. Any advice? Thank you.l

[Shiloh]

Point out the obvious, do you thinking (hitting,screaming, yelling, being mean) to the boy that that mom is going to get him to behave better or worse? Ask him what the mom should do that would help the little boy behave better.

If we are supposed to learn control our anger and not hurt people how is that little boy going to learn that when his mommy is spanking on his bum?

I think 4 is old enough to understand and process right and wrong.

I was so proud of my ds the other day, we had a play group friend over for a playdate..the son was 5...as they are leaving he starts hitting his mom's legs, she's saying nothing my ds told him "we don't hit mommies ever, we don't hit people".

BIG SMILE.

She told us that when my ds was that age he'd probably hit me too.
I told her I really didn't think so

I hope you dont' ever see anything like that again either but maybe next time it might also be important to say something to the woman so that ds doesn't see that you would not stand up for the baby...I don't know what hte right thing to say/do is...

I am horrified as well...my god that poor child. I am not sure what to say but popping a baby in the face.... I dunno what could you say to the mother what would be the 'right thing'... maybe mention it to the doctor? Or ask her if she needs any help?

mind you what might come out of my mouth would be "WOMAN ARE YOU F***ING CRAZY? " "should I call the police?" "nurse please come save this child from its abusive mother!".... "HELP HELP"...

[bellona]

My ds witnessed spanking at about this age...and he noticed. We were at a friends and I knew she spanked but never thought that she would do it in front of people. The kids were playing and I don't know what her dc did, it wasn't 'bad' it was just getting on her nerves and she hauled off and spanked him on the back of his legs. Ds was in shock, all big eyed and mouth opened and yelled 'MOM!! SHE JUST HHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT HIM!!!!!!! HIS MOM JUST HHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT HIM!!!!!!!!!!"

I was in shock and didn't know what to say/do. I just grabbed ds and mumbled something about naptime and headed out the door. She didn't really notice because she had a screaming child she was dealing with.

When we got home I was very truthful with ds. I told him that some people hit their children when they are trying to teach them not to do something. He asked why I didn't hit him and I asked him if he thought that me hitting him would teach him and he said no, but he'd be very angry with me. I told him that I love him so much that I could never imagine hurting him and that I don't think that hitting is the best way to teach.

It made a lasting impression on him. Sometimes he tells me that he's going to listen real well in public so everyone that sees him will know that you don't have to hit kids for them to be good. I wish he hadn't seen it, but I didn't see anyway to deal with it other than being honest.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by bellona

When we got home I was very truthful with ds. I told him that some people hit their children when they are trying to teach them not to do something. He asked why I didn't hit him and I asked him if he thought that me hitting him would teach him and he said no, but he'd be very angry with me. I told him that I love him so much that I could never imagine hurting him and that I don't think that hitting is the best way to teach.

It made a lasting impression on him. Sometimes he tells me that he's going to listen real well in public so everyone that sees him will know that you don't have to hit kids for them to be good. I wish he hadn't seen it, but I didn't see anyway to deal with it other than being honest.

I really like this - tucking it away in case I ever need it. Thanks very much. I just wish I didn't have to worry about it....sigh.

[mammastar2]

Hey, FYI if you're in Canada, that's illegal here - no hitting on the face ever, and no hitting children under 2. I know you asked about how to explain it to your son, but please do consider this if you witness something like it again, or if you want to follow up.

[myniyer]

Hey, FYI if you're in Canada, that's illegal here

One more reason on my list of about 10,000 and growing to move to Canada...

[Shiloh]

I saw 'the chart' once..funny bum marks = spanking but hitting/slapping/close fisted on the sides of the body is bad, the face well that's 'personal' to attack someone's body is rage, to attack someone's head and face they say you are out 'to get the person'

[Montessorimom8]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

Hey, FYI if you're in Canada, that's illegal here - no hitting on the face ever, and no hitting children under 2. I know you asked about how to explain it to your son, but please do consider this if you witness something like it again, or if you want to follow up.

Hi, thanks for responding...actually my dh is from Canada so I'm 'Canadian by marriage'! We live in the Midwest, and although we love it here, we also love Canada! Hence the flag on my post!

[mammastar2]

So far as your question goes, if your child needs it addressed right then, I would go ahead and address it. I think if my child saw something like that, she would be so shocked and upset she would most likely be in tears, and need it dealt with immediately. I wouldn't necessarily pull any punches (bad choice of language!) of the 'we'll talk about it later' variety - if your kid needs to know right then that hitting is always wrong and that you don't know why anyone would ever hit a child, tell them. I'd make it about what your child needs to hear, not necessarily about 'projecting' for the other parent's benefit, though.

Originally Posted by Montessorimom8

Hi, thanks for responding...actually my dh is from Canada so I'm 'Canadian by marriage'! We live in the Midwest, and although we love it here, we also love Canada! Hence the flag on my post!

[Fuamami]

My dd has witnessed multiple spankings, unfortunately, of her cousin. She has never once mentioned them to me. I've actually posted on here before about trying to help this family, and they're actually doing much better. In the past six months, I've only seen one incident where my SIL pulled my nephew into another room and may have spanked him, but I kind of don't think she did. (Sorry, that's just an aside as an update to the people who advised me on that issue)

Anyway, when she was regularly hitting him in front of my dd, dd never said anything. She watched with shock, but I think she probably saw my reaction and decided not to do anything. Anyway, dh always tried to bring it up and tell dd that no one should hit anyone else, whether it's a parent or a kid. There was always a lot of hitting to be discussed after hanging out with them, because my nephew hit my dd a lot, too. So he'd discuss all of them with equal gravity, about how none of those hittings were okay, if that makes sense.

[flapjack]

I'd say "I felt pretty uncomfortable in there" and see how he reacts. You're already teaching him not to hit, and by forcing a discussion he doesn't want you're potentially raising an overly judgemental child.
I don't think there's ever a justification for criticising a person's behaviour in their presence but not to them- I don't mean ignore your shocked and screaming child, but don't be passive-aggressive about it either. Model the behaviour you want.