Sending dd to school where she has no friends?

[Shenjall]

Dd is in grade 8. Next year she'll be starting high school. My issue is which one.

There are 2 hs equal distance away from our house. W and G. Ds is in grade 10 at W. I went to W too. I know most of the teachers. In the fall of 2007 though, they are tearing it down and rebuilding on a new site further away. It will be twice as far as it is now. So, they have changed the catchment for the hs. Before we were to go to W now its G. But b/c we have a child in W already, we are allowed to register her (and our other 4 kids when the time comes) in W, but do I even want to? We went to an open house at G last nite and wow, what a great school. The courses they offer, the clubs, (like, activist club for instance) its everything I would want in a school. But, dd is very shy, she only has 2 friends and of course, since they live in the new development, will be attending W. She's upset at the thought of starting a new school without any friends. Sigh.

I keep thinking, to send them to W, it will be fine for the 2006-2007 year, but after that how the heck am I going to get them there? Its too far to walk, I dont drive, dh works in the complete oposite direction and starts before they do, so we would probably have to have school busing. Which will cost a fortune! $50 a month for the first child, $40 for each child after that. In 2007, I'll have 3 kids going there!

After looking at all the pro/con list, we'll probably be sending her (and the others after her) to G. We'll let ds finish off, b/c its really only one year at the new location and he'll be in grade 12.

I guess, I just really need to hear that it'll be okay and help me get rid of my guilt for taking her away from her friends.

[boongirl]

I think your guilty feelings are making the choice for you. You should let her make the decision for herself. She is old enough. If you make it for her, she will probably be resentful for a long while. If it were my mom making that decision for me, I would be very upset if she forced me to go to a school where I had no friends. The fact that the school she wants to attend is moving further away is not relevant now. If it becomes a problem for her, she can always change to the nearby school. High school is a tough time for kids. So, sit down with her and talk about the choices, pros and cons, but ultimately, let her make the choice that is best for her. Just because she goes there does not mean that the other kids should. They will be zoned to the other school so there will be no transportation issues for you. If transportation costs become an issue, let her pay for it. That can become part of the trade off.

[Shenjall]

Thank you for your input.

There are transportation issues as since we would be of catchment, transportation costs are our responsibility, and its an expense that we really cant afford.

She loves the school, G, loves the courses being offered, just wants to be with her friends. And while I can understand that, I'm having a hard time letting her choose a school based solely on being with friends - nothing to do with her academic future. Sigh. The parent in me knows this is the way to go, the teen in me however, thinks differently.

For us, this move does mean all the kids going after her. Its a decision we made to simplify our lives. Letting our older ds stay was difficult, but made sense, as he's been there this far.

I hear what you're saying, I really do. And thank you for that side.
We'll talk to her some more about, but ultimately, its our decision, we'll help her find ways to adjust.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by Shenjall

Thank you for your input.

There are transportation issues as since we would be of catchment, transportation costs are our responsibility, and its an expense that we really cant afford.

She loves the school, G, loves the courses being offered, just wants to be with her friends. And while I can understand that, I'm having a hard time letting her choose a school based solely on being with friends - nothing to do with her academic future. Sigh. The parent in me knows this is the way to go, the teen in me however, thinks differently.

For us, this move does mean all the kids going after her. Its a decision we made to simplify our lives. Letting our older ds stay was difficult, but made sense, as he's been there this far.

I hear what you're saying, I really do. And thank you for that side.
We'll talk to her some more about, but ultimately, its our decision, we'll help her find ways to adjust.

I feel that you should let your children decide which schools they will go to. If you can't afford the transportation, then you could make it a requirement for them to pay for their own transportation. They would have to babysit or get a small p/t job to pay for it themselves. Or they could ask extended family for money for gifts instead of regular gifts, to be used toward transportation. If they don't want to do that, then they will choose the school you want them to choose.

I would be livid if my parents had made me go to a school where none of my friends were. Being unhappy in a school is no way to earn good grades. I know my grades fell drastically (I was an honor roll student ALWAYS) the one semester where family issues made me VERY unhappy.

The parent in me knows this is the way to go, the teen in me however, thinks differently.

I don't agree with this statement. I'm a parent, too, but I think that a teen's feelings are very important. If you think the Activism club is such a great club, could your daughter not start one up in the school she wants to be in? What a great hands-on learning experience that would be!!

[boongirl]

Originally Posted by Shenjall

There are transportation issues

I hear what you're saying, I really do. And thank you for that side.
We'll talk to her some more about, but ultimately, its our decision, we'll help her find ways to adjust.

I just wanted to write one more thing before I log off for the day. You say there are transportation issues. Why can't your daughter pay for the transportation herself? There is no reason why she cannot attend one school while your other kids attend another. If you send her to the school you want now, her older sibling will be at a different school. $50 a month is not hard for a teenager to make.

Also, you say that ultimately it is your decision. That is the kind of attitude that is likely to send a negative message to a teenager. That is the kind of message that could affect her emotional well-being and send her into a depression. If you make a decision for her that is completely contrary to what to the one she wants, she will resent you and probably for a long time. She can likely get a good education at either school. To downplay the importance of her social connections is to deny what is of paramount importance to a teenage - her school support network. Being a teenage girl is a very difficult thing. Teenagers need strong friendships to get through high school successfully. Don't put your own opinion over hers unless you are ready for it to affect her well-being for life. Make your case but let her make the choice herself. It is a really big decision, one that really won't affect you much either way if she pays for her own transportation. But, if you send her to the new school, away from her friends, against her will, it will affect her forever.

[Shenjall]

I just want to be clear - its not she wont know anybody, its just that her 2 best friends will be going to the other one. This is our catchment school, its the school we're supposed to be going to. The only reason we currently have an option (and its not entirely an option, we would have to ask permission first) is b/c we have an older son who already started. If she were our oldest, there wouldnt be an issue - her 2 best friends would still be going to a different school, period. I'm not the one changing the catchment, the school division did, b/c the new school is being built so far away.

Also, you say that ultimately it is your decision. That is the kind of attitude that is likely to send a negative message to a teenager.

Well, we can agree to disagree. For us, for our family, the parents are the ones who make the final decision. It works well, no one has gone into a depression yet. Our kids are included in decision making, we talk things out, we listen to their concerns about everything. But, they do know, that someone is in charge. This may not work for your family, but please dont tell me that what does work for ours is a "negative message".

I just wanted to add, if I was downplaying the importance of her friends, I wouldnt be here would I?

[Mirzam]

FWIW I let my DD choose the HS she wanted to go to and she choose the one most of her friends were going to and because she wanted to go to the Prom at that school. It was a disaster, she hated the school, it is a large, traditional HS with 3000 students and 1000 freshmen. She did badly academically, though had a wonderful social life. We insisted she change schools this year (10th grade) and enrolled her in a small, 350 or so student, alternative HS, against her wishes and guess what... she loves it. She now has new friends, kids she would never have associated with in the other school -- she was in the "popular, preppy" group there, and the kids at her new school are quite different. She also still sees many of her old friends too.

IMO, teens can't always see the wood for the trees and they do need some guidance with choice making, often the choices they make aren't in their best interests and parents need to step in. By all means involve them in the decision making process, but it is risky leaving it entirely up to them.

[Shenjall]

uccumoma, thank you for that. I'm glad everything worked out for you.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by boongirl

Also, you say that ultimately it is your decision. That is the kind of attitude that is likely to send a negative message to a teenager. That is the kind of message that could affect her emotional well-being and send her into a depression. If you make a decision for her that is completely contrary to what to the one she wants, she will resent you and probably for a long time. She can likely get a good education at either school. To downplay the importance of her social connections is to deny what is of paramount importance to a teenage - her school support network. Being a teenage girl is a very difficult thing. Teenagers need strong friendships to get through high school successfully. Don't put your own opinion over hers unless you are ready for it to affect her well-being for life. Make your case but let her make the choice herself. It is a really big decision, one that really won't affect you much either way if she pays for her own transportation. But, if you send her to the new school, away from her friends, against her will, it will affect her forever.

Do you have a teenager?

What you are saying is all well and good, but it doesn't always work. See my post above. I had to step in and undo a decision my teen made and I can tell you it certainly hasn't affected her well-being for life, it has only enhanced it. Going to a different school to your friends does not mean the end of those friendships, it might take more effort on the teen's part to keep them up, but my DD hasn't had any problem doing that. Some friends have fallen by the wayside, but she has more than made up for them with her new friends.

[Attached Mama]

I agree with you that teens need guidance in their lives. Find a waya to really respect her wishes but to make the decision you know is best for her. For example, maybe if you send her to the closer school you could agree to devote Fri nights to her and her friends from the old school - agree to pick them up to spend the night or drive them to somewhere or drop her off at their house - whatever. I agree with you that it is the parents decision, but maybe you can mutually come to a way where she could be happy with the new school while still seeing her old friends. Maybe plan a fun at home movie night at your house a few wks after she starts the new school so she can invite some new potential friends over - whatever. Good luck!

As for kids should be allowed to pick their own schools - I agree with that once they are out of high school. Parents who pick their kids colleges and force them into adult decisions tick me off to no end.

[Shenjall]

For example, maybe if you send her to the closer school you could agree to devote Fri nights to her and her friends from the old school - agree to pick them up to spend the night or drive them to somewhere or drop her off at their house - whatever.

we've talked about keeping in touch with her old friends. I like the idea of devoting a certain nite, I'll bring it up to her, I'm sure she'll agree.

[mammastar2]

Your concerns seem legitimate to me, and I like the idea of keeping in touch with old friends.

She's at the age where friends do seem all important, but that can make it hard for her to look objectively at other factors or be open to new experiences. Being shy is also a challenge for her, but you can help her to deal with her feelings and come up with some strategies.

I know I started junior high with a whole gaggle of friends, but that it ended up being totally the wrong school. I ended up not going at all for several months before switching to a far better option where I didn't know anyone at first - but things like that can change! The school for your catchment sounds pretty cool.

[ChristaN]

My kids are much younger than yours and I don't want to get into the whole arguement of whose decision it is that seems to be going on here. I do have a few thoughts, though, that I hope may be of some help.

It sounds to me like you already have your mind made up to go with school G. If that is the case, what you really need advice on is how to make it work for your dd so that she is happy with this school. Again, my kids are younger and I don't know how this would work for teens, but I am wondering if there may be some way for you to set her up ahead of time with some of the kids with whom she will be attending highschool. I know that teens aren't big on "playdates" , but is there any way that you could get her involved ahead of time with some extracurricular activities that interest her and tend to draw kids from this school?

The other thing I wanted to mention was that I can really empathize with your dd. It is hard to be an introvert in a society where that is not the norm and it is especially hard as a teen when you are expected to be bubbly and outgoing in order to fit in with the in crowd. We moved 26 times in my growing up years and I changed schools pretty much every year. (I realize that it is not you moving here.) However, whether it is your choice or not, the effect is the same and it is very difficult to change schools/start new schools and it gets harder and harder the older you get.

Changing schools my senior year of highschool was the worst and, at that point, I had had enough and decided to move out and move 500 miles away from my parents to go back to the school where I had been attending highschool the year before. I was 16 at the time, but they let me go. I don't know whether it was the right thing or not. I had a pretty miserable year, but don't know that it would have been better at the new school.

Your dd is going to need a lot of empathy and emotional support from you. As much as this may not seem like the end of the world to us adults, I imagine that it feels that way for your dd and she needs to know that her parents will listen to that and not downplay her feelings. I am in no way trying to imply that you are downplaying, just encouraging you to be a shoulder upon which to lean when she needs it as she likely will. Perhaps you can try to set her up with an adult mentor at the new school as well.

[boongirl]

Originally Posted by uccomama

Do you have a teenager? What you are saying is all well and good, but it doesn't always work.

No, but I know what it is like to be a teenage girl with best friends at a different school and I know how it feels to have controlling parents.

Originally Posted by Shenjall

Well, we can agree to disagree. For us, for our family, the parents are the ones who make the final decision. I just wanted to add, if I was downplaying the importance of her friends, I wouldnt be here would I?

You also said:

I guess, I just really need to hear that it'll be okay and help me get rid of my guilt for taking her away from her friends.

You are kind of contradicting yourself a bit but really, it is your decision. We are not her parents. You asked for advice and we gave it. Most of us, if we were in your shoes, would let our children choose. If you don't want to, it is up to you. You don't have to defend yourself if we would make a different choice.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by boongirl

No, but I know what it is like to be a teenage girl with best friends at a different school and I know how it feels to have controlling parents.

Well the OP doesn't sound like a controlling parent to me. I also wouldn't describe myself as that either, neither, I am sure would my teen. We were discussing NCLB in relation to standardized tests tody (of which she is in the middle of now) and she was saying, that she is trying her best because she would hate it if her school was forced to close. This was coming from a child who was determined to hate the school. Sometimes parents do know best because they have more life experience and teens make dubious choices sometime that need intervention.

I realize you were offering advice from your personal perspective, but that is rather subjective,. So how useful is it really?

You are kind of contradicting yourself a bit but really, it is your decision. We are not her parents. You asked for advice and we gave it. Most of us, if we were in your shoes, would let our children choose. If you don't want to, it is up to you. You don't have to defend yourself if we would make a different choice.

Most? I go back to: you don't have a teenager, even though you were one, that was you, not the OP's child and not even your child. Really, you can't make such sweeping generalizations and expect it to be helpful.

[Shenjall]

ChristaN, I believe you are right. We have pretty much decided on sending her to G.

I do really empathize with my dd too, thats where my guilt and questioning myself come into play. While we feel that its the best solution all around, its still hard ya know?

She started a new school (new district, knew nobody) in grade 4 and did very well. She's quiet, but she's also strong.

One wonderful thing about this school is that for 1 hour each week, they have small groups meetings with their teacher advisor. You can talk about anything during this time, plus the teacher makes a point of calling the parents once a month to see how things are going. (plus, you get 1/2 credit for it) One of the schools policies are making sure students are "close" or "known" to teachers. To help guide them thru high school.

Overall, there are many supports in place to help her thru. Between us and the school she's at as well as the high school, not to mention just who she is as a person. Its just hard to be a parent and make decisions that may upset your kids, I mean, who wants to see their kids upset?

Thank you to those who understand where I'm coming from.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by Shenjall

One wonderful thing about this school is that for 1 hour each week, they have small groups meetings with their teacher advisor. You can talk about anything during this time, plus the teacher makes a point of calling the parents once a month to see how things are going. (plus, you get 1/2 credit for it) One of the schools policies are making sure students are "close" or "known" to teachers. To help guide them thru high school.

My DD's HS offers the same, she has advisory every day, two days they meet for one hour and the other days they meet for 5 to 10 minutes, it is a wonderful thing for the kids, it really can help them get through HS, they get imput from both their advisory teacher and their peers in their advisory group.

I think going with this school sounds like a good choice for your DD and she will be supported both in school and at home.

I wish her lots of luck!

Oh, I agree you don't want to see your kids upset by these things, but if you really go with your gut, you know you made the best choice you could have for your child.

[Shenjall]

I didnt realize this advisory thing was so common. I know ds school doesnt do it :

Another interesting thing they do is the first day of school is for grade 9's only. To let them get comfortable in the place.


Thank you so much for your kind words and warm wishes.

[Mirzam]

I don't know how common it is, but DD's first HS didn't have it. They basically took the, "You're on your own kid. Sink or swim" approach. They did have councillors but the kids had recognize they needed them, and my DD certainly didn't.

The first day for 9th grade is pretty normal IME, both HS did that. It was vital for her first school becaue there were 1000 of them starting when she did.

[mammastar2]

One thing that will make it easier for your daughter is that we're talking about starting high school - it will be new for everyone there, not just her.

It's not like being switched for the last year of high school in that respect at all, which I agree would be very tough. If it's like most high schools, it will draw on kids from a number of elementary or middle schools, so she won't be coming into a situation where she's 'the' new kid and everyone else knows each other.

In addition the school sounds mindful of building a sense of comfort for the students, based on what you describe.