Sending dd to school where she has no friends? - Page 2

[boongirl]

Originally Posted by uccomama

Well the OP doesn't sound like a controlling parent to me.

I beg to differ - you both are making or did make decisions that your children are vehemently opposed to, decisions that do not involve safety and really could have been made either way. You both chose to go against your child's wishes. It turned out well for you, but what if it hadn't?

Originally Posted by uccomama

I realize you were offering advice from your personal perspective, but that is rather subjective,. So how useful is it really?

Is it possible to offer advice that is purely objective? I think not. Even psychologists and counselors, trained at offering advice, filter their advice through their life experiences.

Originally Posted by uccomama

Most? I go back to: you don't have a teenager, even though you were one, that was you, not the OP's child and not even your child. Really, you can't make such sweeping generalizations and expect it to be helpful.

I stand corrected. Almost half of us said to let the daughter decide. And why, may I ask, are you so defensive about advice that has nothing to do with you? Is my contrary opinion and advice making you feel guilty about the decision you made? Because really, I am answering the OPs question and since my advice does not really involve you, you should just move on and ignore me.

[Shenjall]

mammastar, it does draw from 4 different middle schools. They just usually dont get as many from dd's school but will now from the new catchment.

uccomoma, its interesting to me since both schools are in the same division, so you would think that they would have some similar practices. But apparently not.

boon, I feel I must speak up to. I'm sorry you grew up with controlling parents. It obviously must have been hard for you. I hope you make peace with it one day.
Your suggestion of letting my 13 yr daughter decide does not work for our family. We, as parents, have the [I]final[I] decision, not the only decision. I replied that to you in my post. I did not shoot down your suggestion as stupid, or something else derogatory. I just simply stated that its not how things work in our family. Some people feel comfortable letting a 13 child make a decision alone like that, but for us, we dont. Its not about being controlling, (if my 3 yr old doesnt want to sit in her car seat, but I make her, is that being controlling?) for us, its our parenting. To say that my parenting is controlling and sending negative messages is to make a judgement on my mothering. Last time I checked, thats not allowed. (or very helpful )
I dont feel like I'm defending my parenting decisions, I really dont feel a need, I was simply stating what wont work for us and asking you nicely to stop putting my mothering down. Thats all. But if it makes you feel better to criticize me, go ahead, get it out, let me be your controlling mother, -I'm good with myself, my kids, my abilities. (with the special occasion of self-doubt )

It seems to me the only one who's having issues around this is you and from what happened to you as a teen. For that, I truley am sorry. I hope you find peace with it in your journey in life.

uccomoma, thanks for having my back.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by boongirl

I beg to differ - you both are making or did make decisions that your children are vehemently opposed to, decisions that do not involve safety and really could have been made either way. You both chose to go against your child's wishes. It turned out well for you, but what if it hadn't?

Excuse me, that's a bit strong, especially because you weren't party to any of the discussions in my house. My DD knew things at her first HS weren't working, she was failing and skipping classes and wasn't getting the help she needed. Also she disliked the school, too many students for her comfort, she couldn't even get from her locker to her class in time and if they were five mintues late they were marked absent. She didn't want to go to the other HS because one of her friends hated it and told her it was terrible so she was switching to my DD's first HS. Turned out that girl had many problems and pulled out of that school too.

So please don't make assumptions about my child, just because you had controlling parents. If it hadn't worked we would have done something else, she would have been able to return to her old HS, or another one. We just wanted her to give it a try.

[Mirzam]

uccomoma, thanks for having my back

You're welcome!

[Flor]

We are in a similiar situation but with a younger kid. Dss is going into 6th grade. We kept him in the school were we used to live by school of choice application. Now that he is going into jr. high, we had to reapply for school of choose and send him to school L or let him go to his "home" school, school V. Since I work at school L, I said NO WAY IN HELL is he going to this school. It has tons of problems, but all his friends (seriously, just 4 kids in his grade are going to the other school) are going to be going to my school next year.

We are his parents. We are looking beyond his friends. I also don't feel like he'll be friends with these kids once he gets to jr. high, but he doesn't feel that way (I could be wrong of course, but he doesn't seem close to them compared to other non-school friends he has). We made the decision. He is scared and worried about making freinds, but life isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to make that jump. We will support him and help him through it. We are just happy that he'll be the new kid at the begining of the year with other new kids rather then in the middle of the year.

One big complaint I have about my district is that a lot of kids choose to go to one of the high schools, which is a terrible place, violent, run down, state-sanctioned for poor perfomance, because they like the FOOTBALL TEAM! I don't think that letting teens choose is always the right decision.

[mommy68]

If I were you I'd send your child to a school where she knows the children there already. I have a very shy child who will be going in to 5th next year and I could never take my child away from the school they are in just because another one might have better things to offer. It would hurt them socially. I say why fix something if it isn't broken? If she likes the idea of going where her friends are and seems happy there once she starts then stick with that.

[writermommy]

We moved my step dd from FL to PA after 9th grade. She was so mad at us. The move was for DH's job. She threatened to run away if we made her go to a new school where she didn't know anyone. I told her that if she did I'd tell the police to send her back to her mother when they found her, since she'd obviously chosen not to live with us anymore. She didn't like that option, so she moved. The new school ended up being much better than the one she'd been attending. She made some good friends.

I wouldn't let my children choose their school either. If we'd let step dd make her own educational choices, she would have dropped out. She told me that before her mother kicked her out and she came to live with us, her mom was going to sign the papers for her to drop out. She was only in the freakin' ninth grade!!!! There wasn't a chance in hell that dh or I would ever sign and she knew it. A year later, my niece had to leave FL with her mom for another state. I smiled when I overheard her telling her cousin that moving isn't as bad as she thought it would be. She is now in college and doing very well. My girls are in Catholic school because it's better than the public schools in our area by far. My oldest would like to go to a school where she can wear whatever she wants. I understand and empathize with this. I hated the uniforms too, when I was a kid. I've told her this. However, that's not an adequate reason for me. Her overall education is more important than anything else.

She will adjust. Really, I think it's better to start her off in the high school where she will stay. I would think letting her go to the one with her friends for a year and then maybe having to switch to the other one in 10th grade would be more difficult. By then, the kids at the G school would have made their friends and gotten into their little groups. She may have more trouble adjusting. Another thing to consider: she only has two friends that she's worried about seeing. Who's to say they will be in the same classes? My step dd often didn't have classes or even the same lunch period as her best friends. This helped her branch out and make new ones. What if she went to the school, had different classes and a different lunch and ended up not seeing them during the day anyway? This is very likely to happen.

I think it's all in how you approach the change. It doesn't sound like you're doing it in a controlling, you'll do it because I say so way. I like the idea of regular times to get together with her 2 friends from the other school. For my step dd, this would have been a ride to the mall on Friday night. Good luck with the transition!

[Shenjall]

Thank you for your reply!

We've just come back from registration at G. It went very well. We talked about it last nite with her and she understood, she really liked the friday nite "dates" with her friends idea, (thank you, ChristaN )

I think we really underestimated her. She not only was fine, (no tears, no yelling) she was very open to the idea. She verbalized her feelings very well, that she'd miss her friends but that she'll make new ones. Then she became very excited at the course selection.

She's pretty pumped now. Her choices at W were quite limited, unless she wanted to take computers or band. But she's picked out 6 things she's excited about. Its nice to see her so happy and involved in her education. She likes her teacher advisor. And she's already talking to other girls in her class that are going too - girls she never spoke to before.

All in all, it worked out very well. Our ds (who's a year younger) was looking over the course handbook and is saying he wants to enroll in the french immersion track when he starts! This from the boy who doesnt show any interest in school.

Thank you to all who replied, even though I may not agree with everyone, its nice to know there's people who care enough to post.

[Mirzam]

I am so happy for your DD, I wish her lots luck in her new school!

[mammastar2]

I'm glad it's going well - it sounds like you're honouring both your daughter's feelings about her friends and her resiliency!

[mommy68]

I hope it all goes well.

[Shenjall]

Theres actually been an interesting new development.....

One of dd's friends has recently moved in with her father and guess where he lives? In the catchment of G! Hee Hee! So it looks like she may have one of her buds after all.

Thank you all for your support!