would you make your kid go somewhere

[nichole]

omg i feel so bad. i was supposed to meet some other moms at the zoo but my son does not want to go. i tried to make it exciting talking about how fun it is there, his friends are there, he can eat a snack in his stroller, and run around the zoo. but he still doesnt want to go. i feel so sick all the time from this pregnancy and i put a lot of effort into getting ready. then i got frustrated at him for something unrelated and YELLED AT HIM. i feel sooo bad. i just totally lost it. i told him i was sorry. now he is back to playing in the living room.

so do you guys make your kids go places? what if i had a baby i had to take to a drs appointment. i would have to make him go, no? he never wants to go outside and play even though it is beautiful outside.

[boongirl]

I don't really give my almost 3 year old choices about where we are going unless I am fully prepared for her to choose differently than I. If it was something that was planned, like a playdate or an appointment, then there is no choice, she has to go. If she pitched a fit, I would just calmly explain to her that we promised we would be there and our friend's are expecting us and we are going. I would add that if we get there and after a half hour she is still not having fun, we would go home. If it was an appointment, there is no choice, we have to go and she can go willingly or pitch a fit but we are going. I know there are mamas who don't believe in coercing a child into the car to go somewhere but I think there are ways to get this done peacefully. You just have to be creative and respectful. Sometimes, there are reasons the child does not want to go and that can be discussed en route and a plan for the future made while driving.

Sometimes, I think little ones make these choices not to do what we want because A) they just want to do the opposite of what we want because they can or B) they transition from one activity to another poorly. I do know mamas who give their little ones the choice about going somewhere or not and I also wonder how they are going to get the child out of the house when there is something really important to attend. I think it is possible to show respect for your child but not give in completely to their whims.

[Willzmama]

This morning I got all ready to go shopping and my DS started asking for things at the store. I could see that I was headed for a difficult shopping expedition, with him wanting things I would not buy, and so I just decided to stay home. I was annoyed but knew it would be worse if he threw a tantrum in the store! This is a little different than your zoo plans and it would have been different if it was somewhere we HAD to go, but thought I'd weigh in anyway...

[BlueStateMama]

I do...and I know I'm most likely in the minority here because I do. We go to Gymboree once a week and it's a siblings class. My DD (11 months) loves it and yesterday DS didn't want to go. I had to really push the issue and ultimately had to scoop him up and put him in the car (once he was in, he was fine, happy, and chatted the whole way, seemingly not bothered by being picked up instead of walking to the car.) It's not fair to DD to make her miss her only "activity" b/c DS is dragging his feet. Also, I know that if we didn't go, within 15 minutes he'd be sobbing, "GymborEEEEEEE Mama!!! Gymboreeeeeeeee!!"

I use natural consequences more for things like going outside Example: DS wants to play outside, but doesn't want to put his shoes and coat on, so I say, "When you put your shoes and coat on, THEN we may go outside." I stop pushing the issue and let him come around on his own. I've found, BTW, that if I back off and leave things in his hands, in his time-frame, he comes around pretty quickly. But, when it's something like a scheduled class with a set time frame, and someone else is involved, I'll do what I can to reason with him, but then eventually break it down to "We need to leave. You can walk, or mama will carry you to the car. Your choice." (not said meanly, just matter of factly.)

[Momma Aimee]

I would make the child go.

I would try all the nice stuff

it will be fun
we can count animals
we'll have a great snack
your freinds will be there

but

when it comes down to it -- if i had made a conmitment -- and the child was well then we'd go.

I believe kids need to understand conmittments -- promises -- if i make a promise to DS I keep it; if we as a family make a promise to another family (or a doc or whatever) then we keep that promise too.

I doubt many agree with me -- but I don't think I teach DS anything good by giving up plans on a whim cuz he says he doesn't want to.

let's face it kids often say they don't want to do -- and even throw a fit -- just cuz they don't want to stop what they are doing NOW -- but we also know when they start the new activity -- the one they said they didn't want to do -- they love it.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by boongirl

I don't really give my almost 3 year old choices about where we are going unless I am fully prepared for her to choose differently than I. If it was something that was planned, like a playdate or an appointment, then there is no choice, she has to go. If she pitched a fit, I would just calmly explain to her that we promised we would be there and our friend's are expecting us and we are going. I would add that if we get there and after a half hour she is still not having fun, we would go home. If it was an appointment, there is no choice, we have to go and she can go willingly or pitch a fit but we are going. I know there are mamas who don't believe in coercing a child into the car to go somewhere but I think there are ways to get this done peacefully. You just have to be creative and respectful. Sometimes, there are reasons the child does not want to go and that can be discussed en route and a plan for the future made while driving.

Sometimes, I think little ones make these choices not to do what we want because A) they just want to do the opposite of what we want because they can or B) they transition from one activity to another poorly. I do know mamas who give their little ones the choice about going somewhere or not and I also wonder how they are going to get the child out of the house when there is something really important to attend. I think it is possible to show respect for your child but not give in completely to their whims.

I am with you. How are they ever going to learn about being unselfish if only THEIR whims, opinions, and wants are addressed?

[nichole]

well we ended up going. he changed his mind 45 minutes later. part of the problem is that if he has a tantrum, i don't have the energy to fight him to get dressed and carry him to the car (he is naked now- he loves to go naked or in just underwear!). i woke up today feeling like someone beat me up or like i ran a marathon. i just can't do it. he is 30 pounds. i will get my iron levels back thursday so we will see if that is the problem. hoepfully the next trimester will be better. also i'm going to start going to bed at his bedtime in the family bed. he likes his own bed but i think us all crashing together will get me more rest b/c then i don't have to sit in a dark room for an hour and then get up and go fall asleep again.

he did LOVE the zoo but was ready to come home after an hour. i was too actually. i'm so glad we got some fresh air even if we missed our friends.

i still feel really bad about yelling at him. this is a sign i need to do something. be more laid back? more aware of when i'm getting frustrated? i dunno. he is really into his independence lately so it is a delicate balance. i don't want to be controlling so i guess it is a pick your battles kinda thing.

thanks for the responses. i actually really agree about the commitment thing. today wasn't really a commitment but a last minute get together. glad to know i'm not alone in the make-them-go-somewhere camp. it is a lot harder when they get bigger and heavier. it is the same thing with bedtime. i can't really hold him in the bed! so usually i just let him tell me when he is ready to go to bed but keep him in his bedroom which is babyproof. that way if i fall asleep it is ok. and last night, he just didn't want to get in our bed even though it was late and we were all tired. our bedroom is not quite as babyproof. it is but not so great that i could fall asleep in there and trust him. i mean all 3 of us were exhausted. i knew i would fall asleep while he played so we just made him get in bed with us. dh kinda distracted him by tickling him a lot and eventually he consented. of course 10 mins later we are all asleep! thanks for listening.

[The4OfUs]

I'm in the "if it's not really an option, don't ask" crowd.

I also give DS countdowns, and plenty of time to transition, because he doesn't transition well...actually, he's been doing a lot better lately, but for a while it was a big struggle until I figured out that was his problem, the transition.

I'm hoping you'll get a second wind too - I often find that if he's resistant to going somewhere, and I give him a choice, "you can walk to the car or I'll carry you" (as someone else said, not said meanly, kind of cheerily and matter of fact), and he collapses to the ground, I say "OK, I'll carry you!" and hoist him up over my shoulder upside down and bounce him to the car, and by about the third step he's laughing hysterically and has forgotten he "didn't want to". I feel your pain, I'm 25 weeks pregnant, but I do remember the earlier days when I wasn't feelign as good and it was a lot more difficult.

I also agree that unless there is an illness or some other emergency that should obviously keep you from going somewhere, that you can empathize, sympathize, talk gently and make the best of things that you can...I've done that a couple times (though I'm usually able to get him in the mood by being silly) and he's fine 2 minutes later, and we have a great time wherever we're going.

It's hard being pregnant with all its associated hormonal, physical, and mental changes, and having a very energetic, enthusiastic toddler to boot - I SO feel your pain!!!

If you're really not feeling well, and don't have the strength to playfully hoist him around (try some different holds- I like upside down over my shoudler and sideways like a football, they're easy on me, and DS is 32 pounds), you may just have to go with the flow a bit more until you're feelign better...I know that's probably not what you want to hear, sorry. I guess I would say that if you ask/talk about whatever it is a couple times and he's very resistant, I'd just drop it BEFORE you get frustrated,. I try to live by the 'ask once (or twice ), facilitate next' theory, where if you want to get something done and they resist, you *help* them do it right away, before you get upset and it becomes an issue....also known as "get off your butt" parenting...

Good luck with your iron studies!!

ETA: I'm totally with you on the bedtime thing, too -sometimes he's asleep in 10 minutes, sometimes it's an hour. My thing is if he's notout in 20 minutes, we get up and go into our room, he falls asleep, and then I go do what I want. Oh, and I've been going to sleep with him at 8pm every night this week so far, and feel great! SO, you may have hit on something, goign to bed with him for a while until you're feeling better.

[writermommy]

I guess it depends on where we are going and why. If it's a play date for that child and she doesn't want to go, we don't go. I mean, it's for her so why make her go if she doesn't want it? If it's a family outing or a doctor's appointment, we all go together. In that case, we really don't discuss if she wants to go. There isn't a choice. We are expecting our 4th child, so it wouldn't work to let the youngest, or any one child, decide not to go and ruin it for the others. When we have plans we talk about them a lot. This helps with the transition issue and gets them excited. I try to allow lots of time to get ready and for transitions.

[oceanbaby]

I haven't read the replies yet, but I would probably make him go. I don't belive in letting my child dictate if I get to leave the house or not. I am sensitive about meeting his needs, and there are times that I am flexible about changing our plans based on what he wants or doesn't want to do. But other times I expect him to be flexible and sensitive to my needs as well. It's got to be a two way street. So I guess my answer is how important it is to you. If we were meeting one or two other people, I would make him go. If I really needed to go for some sanity, for some conversation with other moms, for some fresh air, I would make him go. If you don't really care personally about going, and it's a large group of people, then I wouldn't make him go.

Things really change when you have a second child. It's not fair for one of the kids to get to always dictate what the other one gets to do. For instance, just a few hours ago, for a long list of reasons that I won't bore you with, I had to put ds2 in the car to get him down for a nap, so ds1 had to come with me. He didn't want to. I understood he didn't want to be interrupted from what he was doing just to take a drive around the neighborhood, but it needed to happen. If it didn't, then we wouldn't be able to spend the afternoon with my mom, having lunch and going to the playground (we would have missed her if ds2 was asleep in bed). So I had to force him into the car. Not physically, but insisting that he had to come and it had to be now. He was unhappy, and I felt bad that he felt bad, but it was the only solution that was fair to us as a whole family.