GD and 'being real'

[mavery]

I'm only in this forum once in a while, so maybe this is an old question. But I'm finding it hard to balance wanting to be gentle and wanting my ds to understand that I have real feelings. For example, he (2.5 yo) just dumped a basketful of clean laundry on the floor so he could play in the basket. I sort of yelped/almost yelled "Don't do that!" as he acted and then slightly calmer but clearly very frustrated, "It makes me so mad that all our clean clothes are crumpled on the floor!!!" and asked him to help me pick them up.

Afterwards I felt bad that I had yelled (barely, but still for me counts as yelling). But I also felt intense frustration at that moment and I come from a family where negative emotions, especially anger, were often pushed aside in the interest of being 'nice', and I don't want to be like that. I guess I'm supposed to be teaching him about feeling anger but letting it out in an appropriate way. But if I had just walked off to cool down, he's young enough that he would have had no idea I was angry.

So what should I have done?

[Rivka5]

I might be in the minority here, but I don't see that you did anything wrong. Okay, it would probably have been better if you had said "Don't do that!" in an emphatic but non-yelling tone, but I understand that when you're seeing something inappropriate as it happens, a raised voice is pretty much automatic.

You didn't scream. You didn't use shaming language ("You brat!" "You always mess things up!"). You didn't browbeat him with a whole tirade. I don't see anything wrong with letting him know that what happened made you angry, and asking him to help make it right.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

I agree. You said that what was angering you was the clothes crumpled on the floor, not him. I doubt that anyone can be calm all the time and still be healthy.

[DevaMajka]

I have no problem with telling ds how I feel, and how his actions affect others. But, you're right- it can be harsh if you say it out of frustration.
I would probably have acted just as you did, initially (esp if I'd had a frustrating day). (not how I would CHOOSE to react...)
I find that after my first "frustrated" comment, if I switch to a silly/growly/exaggerated voice, it really lightens the mood. Then, I would have added that we'd have to fold the clothes all over again. And continued with some silliness or some-such thing.
Ds is quite sensitive to anything that seems even remotely "shaming" in his opinion. So, if I say "Don't do that." in a serious voice (seriously, sometimes that's all it takes for the bottom lip to start quivering), like he's done something wrong and ought to know better, he gets sad (sometimes it just comes out, whether I mean to or not). If I quickly lighten the mood (while still explaining and giving alternatives), he's fine with it. AND he gets more from it. He learns more, he's more open to what I'm saying.
I try to convey that I *know* that he wants to do the acceptable thing, and that I know he'll be open to acceptable alternatives.

[cjr]

How can you teach your child about their emotions without expressing your own. Our kids need to see up upset, angry, frustrated, sad, happy. I think you handled it very well. Getting upset is natural and our kids need to see that. Not the yelling out of control upset, but the regular upset/raise your voice a little/not happy look on the face upset.

Something that will help is to realize that he does not understand you have feelings. He is living in his own world and it's a stage of development. Keep expressing your feelings and label his and your own feelings when they happen. If you were to take a toy away from him he would cry and stomp and get very upset. However, if he were to turn around and take a toy from another child just moments later he wouldn't be able to understand why that child is crying. He sees the laundry basket (my son too) and all he wants to do is play in it so out goes the contents. He doesn't know he's hurting your feelings or making you frustrated, he just wants to play in the hamper. You showed him how you were feeling and had him help pick up the laundry. That was wonderful. It will probably take a few more hampers of cloths on the floor before he gets it. You could try letting him help you put the cloths away, and then tell him now that it's empty he can play with it?

[MsMoMpls]

I agree that I don't think that you did anything wrong- it was pretty natural. spontanious and loving. The thing that I would think about is why do you need your little one to understand your feelings? That sounds more about what you needed as a child from an adult than what you need as an adult from a child. I think expecting empathy or understanding at this age is a lot and when we ask our kids to be bigger than they are, it does lead to our own sense of failure as well as theirs.

[mavery]

Thanks for the replies. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing something really wrong if I'm getting frustrated. I feel better for reading what you all wrote.

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

The thing that I would think about is why do you need your little one to understand your feelings? That sounds more about what you needed as a child from an adult than what you need as an adult from a child.

This is an interesting question. While there may be some element of that going on for me, I think it's really more about practicing what you preach. If I'm encouraging him to accept his feelings but am afraid for him to see that I get angry too, that's not going to work. What I'm finding hard is first dealing with my own anger in a way that's not frightening or aggressive to him, and second accepting my anger - because I feel like a 'good mommy' doesn;t get angry, which is totally what I learnt from my own mother, and it's easy to incorporate a belief like that into a superficially GD behavior. (I think that in fact such behavior can be totally passive agressive).

[Dar]

I think the idea that "good moms don't get angry" is pervasive and damaging. There are good ways to express anger, and not so good ways. Yours sounds great - you owned the feelings, you explained briefly what it was about, and you stated your needs. That's what adults *and* children should strive for.

Of course, if you're feeling angry all the time, or if you can see that the immediate triggers for your anger are really not in proportion to the depth of your angry feelings, then I'd take that as a sign that you need to do some work on your anger... but I didn't see any hints of that in the situation you described.

Dar

[Shiloh]

I also think tone plays an important role. Sometimes you have to sound like you 'mean business'. There's a difference between telling a child at the time then explaining why its a PITA and not helpful vs screaming and yelling...

[Rivka5]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

The thing that I would think about is why do you need your little one to understand your feelings? That sounds more about what you needed as a child from an adult than what you need as an adult from a child. I think expecting empathy or understanding at this age is a lot and when we ask our kids to be bigger than they are, it does lead to our own sense of failure as well as theirs.

I think it's a lot to *expect* empathy and understanding from a toddler, but 2 1/2 is certainly not too young for a parent to try to *teach* empathy and understanding. One of the most important aspects of learning how the world works is learning how the things we do affect others.

It would be wrong for an adult to lean on their child for emotional support, yes, and it would be wrong for an adult to expect a toddler to sensitively pick up on the parent's emotions. But there's nothing wrong with a parent helping their child learn that everyone has feelings... including Mama.

[MsMoMpls]

I complete agree that it is perfectly normal and healthy for Mommas to get angry. I believe we mostly teach empathy by being empathetic and it develops kind of like walking- when it happens and not much you can actually do to make it happen. I am just challenging all of us to think about what actually makes us angry. I can certainly see being frustrated by spilled laundry but anger seems different. We don't get angry unless we have some expectation that isn't being met- some way the world should be that it isn't and those things are our own assumptions which we can look at. Just think about the words that run through your head. Mostly this is about being more peaceful and accepting of ourselves so that our children get to have peaceful, accepting mommas.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Haven't seen your posts for a while, MsMoMpls - I missed them! I always learn something from your posts, which to me are clear, simple, and thoughtful. I appreciate your perspective a great deal.

[MsMoMpls]

Thanks so much- I do miss being here but I am taking on being more available for mommas in the "real" world and there are only so many hours in the day. Being here helps me focus and figure out how I am doing and what I think... I just love all I learn from mommas here.