What to do when dp disciplines in a way that's less gd than you would like?

[sessy]

Here's the specific situation that came up the other day and I am wondering how all of you would approach your dp regarding something like this (maybe this belongs in parents as partners?)...

Dd (almost 2) hits the dog with her toy. This doesn't happen very often, but she was in a particularly revved up mood! Dh says (in that whiny, disappointed sounding voice, if you can imagine it) "Ryyyaaannnn, don't hit Sam, that's owie. That's not nice" Dd backs over to me with wide eyes and reaches out to touch my leg.

Though I'm not of fan of "that's not nice", it wasn't even so much what he said as the tone he used to say it. It seemed disappointed and shaming to me, and by dd's reaction, I think that's how she felt. What would I have said, you ask...probably something like "Did you see Sam make ugly face? I don't think he likes to be hit. He likes big scratches (give dog big scratches with dd now) He's smiling" (yes, Sam smiles when he gets scratches!) And I would have used my regular, matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Dh is also very defensive, he doesn't deal well with conflict or even constructive criticism about any topic. He immediately thinks he is being judged and becomes defensive. How do you/would you bring up issues of parenting/discipline with your dp gently? How do you tell dp you don't like the way they did something without sounding too accusatory/know it all/my way is the only way?

Thanks

(slowly coming out of lurkdom...even trying to start a thread!!!!)

[mamaduck]

There is a line somewhere, that when DH crosses it I will speak up. But unless he crosses that line -- I leave him to form his own relationships with the kids. For example, he uses time-outs with the boys while I (for the most part) do not. When we have time without the kids, we do discuss discipline in depth and we understand each other very well with regard to basic assumptions and philosophies. There are opportunities to say, "I think we should avoid doing X." Or "I think we should do Y instead of X." Or "I think we need to decide on a consistant approach for this specific problem that we can both get on board with."

But in situations like you describe, so long as DH is not shouting or berating, I leave it well enough alone. I see my kids growing into confident and articulate young people. I hear them telling Dad (and sometimes telling me!) that they feel offended/hurt by the tone in my voice at different times. They are entitled to a relationship with Dad that doesn't involve me dictating the terms, kwim?

[QDB]

I have to agree with mamaduck.

This is actually an area I am working on - leaving DH and DS alone to develop there own relationship. I am having a hard time with it which isn't fair to either of them.

But it is hard sometimes b/c DH will say something to DS which totally pushes DSs buttons and then I have to sorta deal with the cleanup - sometimes it can make me crabby.

But most of the time I try to keep my mouth shut. I do however talk in general terms about my thoughts and feelings and will encourage him to read articles or books I have benefitted from.

Good luck finding a balance.

[abac]

I try to stay quiet about it at the time, but might casually bring it up later, usually saying, "I found something that works really well with ds..." and say how I would approach the situation and why. In the situation you described, I would say (later), "I find dd gets upset easily if I speak to her in a disappointed tone, and find she is much more agreeable if I tell her something in a cheery, upbeat voice." Another time I would say, "Dd seems to respond better if I avoid telling her what NOT to do, and instead tell her what to do, like pat the dog gently."

I would focus on telling him what has worked for you, more like you're sharing your insight with him rather than telling him what to do. (I guess the same could be said for your appraoch to your dh...don't tell him what NOT to do, focus on what he can do.)

[sessy]

Thanks for responding, mamas. I think you are all right in approaching it in a more general way, rather than bringing up that specific incident. I guess I'll just keep it in the back of my head and wait for a conversation about dd in general, or when we get into discussing discipline in general. It's not so serious that an issue needs to be made of it. I hear the call for nursie, gotta go!

[DevaMajka]

I say stuff like "I noticed that when I do 'x', that it affects ds like 'y'"
My dp is really gd, and it sounds like your dp is pretty gd
I just mention stuff like that at a different time, and we talk about it in general. It more like a "I noticed this, what do you think?"
He does the same to me. Its way easier to take criticism when you don't know that's what it is. lol