Hi, I'm Amee, and I'm...

[MPsSweetie]

a not so GDer... yet. :
I am a yeller at times, a spanker at times , and just an all-around bad mama.
I always feel terrible after I get on to Amethyst, but nothing seems to work for us. She is very sensitive, cries a lot, gets called a cry baby at school, is scared of everything, sweetest little girl in the world.
I am a very quiet person, but I have a temper, and she likes to push my buttons. I am hoping that by hanging out here I will learn some ways to control myself when she is doing just that. I hope you guys will take me here.
I didn't come from a family that was... whats the word.... non-GD, so much. I never got spanked really.
I really feel like I am quite calm most of the time, but then she whines once too much and I lose it. I don't what else to mention really. I feel like I am at confession or something. I WANT to be different. I want to be a better mama to my baby girl.
Please help me!!!

[MPsSweetie]

I'm just going to keep adding as I remember all the way that I need help.
I had to go back to work in Nov after being a SAHM for Amethysts whole life, and now when I am home, I am tired, I am grumpy and I need a little quiet, and it makes it even harder to deal with her.

[tracilicious]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I have a hard time with yelling too. Seeking help is certainly a step in the right direction!

[dillonandmarasmom]

I am sorry you are so down on yourself and your parenting...it's so hard lots of the time, I know. I have a temper, but am usually patient and gentle. It is always a surprise when my voice comes out, and I can't control it...yet. But, I am working on it. Something that helped me was to see what it was like from the other end of yelling...my dh got really angry at me on enight and got up to my face and yelled/growled at me and I felt terrified . It really changed my thinking toward my son.

...but, I still lose it sometimes.
I, too, have swatted my ds, and it feels terrible. There is no undoing it...you just have to move past it. I try to talk with him about why mommy is having a loud, hard time. He usually looks away or plays as I talk (which I understand, of course), but at the end we hug and I tell him I am so sorry and that I love him no matter what.

(I was not spanked as a child, either, so I have no idea where my temper comes from... )

I comiserate.

[Montessorimom8]

I am new here, just joined this week. I too have a temperment where things 'irritate' me. But for 95% of the time I am GD and I've really worked on my temper. I have only spanked once, when ds bit me in the soft part where your shoulder connects with your chest. It was more out of 'hurt' anger than anything else and it was the first and last time I ever spanked and that was three years ago. #1 When I saw the hurt and fear in his eyes I vowed never to do it again. #2 After it happened, he took a nap, and when he woke up the first thing he did was to playfully swat MY bottom. Again I vowed I'd never do it again, it taught him he could do that too.

Here are some things that have helped me. As with the other posters, I was not spanked and my mom was patient. Like I said I've 'come a looong way baby' and can deal with it much better now. We've never spanked again and I am heartily against it.

#1 Find out what your triggers are and write them down. Then write down an appropriate solution. That way when the same things come up you will be prepared.

#2 Hang out on this forum and also with other patient moms as role models. I have a friend/saint whose patience never ceases to amaze me. She has taught me so much, when we're in a room the same sentences come out of our mouths to our kids. It helps Immensely when you have someone on the same page as you that YOU can model. Pick their brain and don't be shy. Personally I do not hang around people that spank their kids, I just don't have the respect for them that I do my non-spanking friends.

#3 If things irritate you like they irritate me, and I can't stand it and want to yell, do so--- behind a closed door and SILENTLY. Just like a whisper but a yell with no noise coming out. This sounds strange, but I read this while reading a work-related article about employees and supervisors. They said it was so much 'healthier' for employees with 'irritating' bosses to do this - while in a bathroom or somewhere private so the person could not see - than to hold it all in! I've done this to 'blow off steam' about my ds but obviously not to his face - it Works for me! When I blow off this steam I feel such better, like a release, but there is no guilt, no sound, you are not hurting your poor child's feelings, no one knows but you, and you can parent so much better, especially right in the beginning were you are truly trying to learn GD.

#4 Take care of yourself - eat regularly - I get cranky when hungry and I find I have to eat every few hours or I lose it. Also take B vitamins and anything else you might be deficient in. This has helped me so much. Also water intake. Very important. I hate to drink water but it makes me so much more pleasant to be around and I feel so much better too.

#5 I have not done this because I've only spanked that first and last time, the experience was enough for me to never do it again...but make a 'contract' with yourself written on paper and signed by someone you know and trust that you will not do this ever again. Having to be accountable so very important I think. Your partner must do this also, it can't be a one way street.

Good luck to you.

[Clarinet]

Have you all read this: Self Check? I'm not a yeller or spanker but I'm a threatener (if you don't do this, I'm going to take away that, etc.). I found and printed this list a week or two ago and when I find myself on the edge of "punishment," I read through it and nearly always find something I can change in my own behavior that prevents me from getting rude with my daughter. Those few times when it wasn't me reacting to my own problems, reading through the list gave me a few minutes to calm down and rationally decide what to do.

[MPsSweetie]

Thank you for your replies. I was worried that I would be too far gone for all of you.
I do get very cranky when I am tired or don't eat, so that may be part of it. I am definitely going to try the yelling the bathroom thing, I think that could help me.
Actually I am usually patient and calm with her, but when I do blow up it feels like its the end of the world you know? It makes me feel like that one moment just ruined the past 2 months of being a good mama.
I do notice that if I am mad at James I am short with her, but thank goodness that isn't too often. (knock on wood) It does seem that I am always trying to get stuff done, I NEVER stop to smell the roses.
It just really seems like I try so hard to make a good life for her, and things can be going so great, and then it all falls apart. I guess thats what happens when you are a parent though.
Thanks for all your thoughts. I am going to try to hang out here as much as possible, surround myself with GDers, and maybe get some ideas from your guys.

[bookwitch]

It's hard. And remember, no one is perfect. You do what you can do, you work on what you can work on, and you learn to let go of the rest.

The biggest thing to remember is that slipping doesn't mean you're a failure. And it doesn't mean you start completely over. You slip once, you get right back on the horse, so to speak. Realizing that you want to change is the first step to changing. Keep at it. We all do.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I have a bad temper when I'm over-tired and DS is learning to avoid me during those times. I can't decide if that's good or bad. I don't spank anymore, but I do have a bad problem with yelling