Anyone with a preteen/teen and a toddler?

[Flor]

I'm just having some issues and would like to hear how things work in your home.

How does the older one treat the younger and vice versa? How do you mediate?

Do you have issues related to cartoons/movies that the younger can't watch?

Foods the younger can't eat?

I'm also having issues showing my equal affection towards (a normal and independant) but a little bit smart alecy and rebellious preteen who does not want my hugs and a cuddlebug toddler.

[Lucky Charm]

My kids are now 18, 15 and 7.
When the baby was first born they spoiled and adored him. Now they still spoil him, but he is more of a pest. I absolutely will not tolerate poor treatment of him. I just tell the older kids that I would never let anyone treat them poorly, so I wont let them do it to their brother.

The little guy likes his TV, but when he was small, it *was* hard for him to understand why he couldn't watch what big brother did. I just redirected him, and put something like Spongebob on for him to watch. And for reinforcement, the older kids would occasionally sit and watch a show or two with him. Thankfully, the little guy likes to play with toys versus watch TV.

My middle son never back talks, but our oldest did. What changed things was one day my husband had had it with her. He basically got in her face and said, quite firmly, that no one was going to talk to his wife that way. That I was his wife long before I was her mother, and that it would not be tolerated, period. That was the turning point. She continues to be a handful, but she at least is not disrespectful and has never raised her voice to me.

For the most part I have thoroughly enjoyed haveing three and watching how they develop their relationships. I am savoring every moment because I know one day that my oldest will move out and the middle boy will go to college., leaving the "baby" by himself. I could cry just thinkin g about how his heart will break.

[ImoKit]

I'm 15 with twin 2 year old sisters and me and my mum's biggest problem has allways finding time together, and finding a balance between me helping out and having time to myself.
But
Despite the fact that my sisters drive me off the wall regularly I would not give them up for the world. Because I was 13 when they were born I have allways been able to feel an important part of their life without the sibling rivalry many kids with smaller age gaps feel.
During the pregnancy and when they were tiny, I was given more responsibility then my mother liked (I did my laundry for a while) but now they're older and its easier my mother has reclaimed a lot of those things (like laundry) and its easier.
I also find that I can go in and talk to my mother over my sisters, (she can breastfeed and talk at once), so it isn't too hard to find time with each other.
As far as TV goes, I either watch when they're in bed or take advantage of the fact that as of now they're too young to understand what's going on TV so its no problem.
From my experience as a teen with a ridiculous age gap between siblings, don't worry, you mind find yourself with more help then you thought you had. At the least someone to take over when you are at the point of breakdown so that you can go look after yourself.
My philosphy with regards to my sisters being 'hide during busy times (eg bath), be available when either dm or dsf are about to have a break down.

[PajamaMama]

I have an almost 11 year old and an almost 3 year old. The age difference means that usually they are not fighting over who 'gets' a toy, it's more 'She's trying to grab my stuff!' from the older one, you know?

The older one often (dramatically) complains about how easy the little one has it, but I just have to remind her that when she was two, I had the same expectations of her, that I have of the current two year old. I often have to remind her that it isn't reasonable of her to think I will expect the same behavior from both of them when she is so much more capable than the toddler!

My older dd is mostly tolerant of the little one but sometimes I feel that she is deliberately baiting her, playing with toys in front of her that she KNOWS the little one will want (like her Game Boy or mp3 player, etc) and I often feel that if she put forth just a little effort she could defuse so many situations that arise and end up as temper tantrums for the little one and that is so frustrating!

The best way I have found to deal with these situations is to put the item in question in 'time out'. The older one doesn't like this solution and complains loudly that she shouldn't have to 'hide' to use certain items, but I just remind her that her dad and I didn't taunt her with forbidden toys when she was two and if she wants the privilege of having these things available to her, she has to use them responsibly (in a way that doesn't make the little one freak out).

As for tv, we rarely have an issue. We have a dvr and so if my big girl wants to watch something I think might be questionable for the little one she can record it and watch it during bath time, but this has only come up a couple of times (dinosaur show on discovery channel, when she and her dad were into battlestar galactica).

I'm not sure what kind of foods you let the older one eat that the little one can't...I don't know the age of your toddler but mine can eat nuts, hard veggies etc so that hasn't been an issue around here. If anything I wish that my older dd would follow the little one's example! haha.

With the hugging...I have the opposite problem you have. My preteen is a little clingy, and my toddler only wants me when she can't reach something, or wants to nurse. Otherwise I can hardly catch her!

This huge age gap (8 years) is difficult in some ways, and a blessing in others. I don't think of it as better OR worse than any other age gap, because it's just the way it is. Out of curiousity, what are your children's ages?

[BathrobeGoddess]

I have an 11 yr old and a 2 yr old. I guess I'm really luck because they love each other and my dd understands why her brother can't see certain things on tv. They play together daily. When older dd wants to get away, she goes to her room.
I think that most preteens and teens like affection in different ways, like play their video game with them, go for coffee and shopping, go to a movie. Its not about the touches, it more about the time and interest paid, ykwim?

[Alkenny]

I have an almost 13 year old, an almost 11 year old and a 2 year old.

TV-we don't have any issues there. I'm not big on censoring things, but we don't watch things that "out there" to begin with.

We haven't had any issues fighting over things, the older two are pretty good with dealing with the babe calmly when he gets upset, and they keep most of their things in their room with the door shut.

The only issue we've really had are food issues. He obviously can't have things that are hard and he's allergic to strawberries. They try and eat these things in private, but there are times that he's seen them and had a FIT about it. Distraction works at this point, but I'm sure there'll come a time that it no longer will.

For the most part, things are GREAT with the age differences. They are really helpful (for me!) and I think it teaches them a little patience and tolerance too.

[Caroline248]

I have almost 5 kiddos...11(B),7(G),4(G),18 months(B), and one due in June.

The 11 and 6 (almost 7) get along like normal brither/sister. Meaning they fight. But "appropriotly" in a way, so I don't worry about it.

The 11 year old and 4 year old have USUALLY been fine, but lately it has been getting bad. Yesterday he (11) hit her (4) because she kicked him. Well, yeah, she shouldn't kick, but really, you are 11. So I was pretty dissapointed in his reaction, but we talked and hopefully this too will end!!

Now the 11 year old and 18 month old...there is my problem. He acts like the baby's father. Telling him "no" when I am right there, giving him snacks whenever...that sort of stuff. I try to not make him responsible for the baby, but it seems to keep ending up that way. Lately I have been very specific when I ask him to help.."Can you please watch J while I take a shower" then when I am done I come right down and say "Thank you, I am done, you are free now". Trying to show I don't expect him to watch J indefinatly, just when I need a quick hand.

As for the food...I have had to get pretty firm about that. My in-laws are big "reward with food" types, and I know my oldest is picking up on that. So he tried to be nice to J by giving him cookies etc. I have set up a rule, when he feels like he wants to give J a treat, he needs to read him a book. That is a great treat, and it makes him realize he has a lot more to give his brother than sweets.

TV..we ended up putting a TV in our guest room. My oldest can occasionally watch something there that is not good for the younger kids. This has been an issue because I have realized that my oldest was not keeping up with his peers socially..he hadn't seen moret than a Disney movie until this year.

As for affection, I see that too. I find I have to force a lot of "loving" lately towards my 11 year old. I wonder if it is because my "babies" are still at that aren't they cute stage, and he is at that oh my goodness why did i have kids stage. I want so badly to turn the corner to where I can feel a sort of friendship with him, but we are not there yet. I don't feel connected to him. My theory is that I am mostly in the mother-of-young-kids mode all day, it is harder to switch when he comes from school and the demands of all of them are going on at once. DH and I are working on it.

Anyway, being the parent of different age groups is not easy. If one more person tells me how it easy it must be for me because I have my oldest to help, I may smack them. He is still my child. Not my babysitter. Not many people understand the challenges that arise from multi-age groups. Sure, the oldest can dress himself, but with that comes homework, projects, activities, friends, etc...

I empathize. I need friends around here with older/younger kids!!

~C~

[sunnysideup]

I have four kids, ages 13, 11, 8, and 16 months.

Originally Posted by Flor

How does the older one treat the younger and vice versa? How do you mediate?

my big kids are pretty loving to the toddler. Most of the fighting and rivalry is between the older kids.

Do you have issues related to cartoons/movies that the younger can't watch?

I don't regulate tv, but the kids don't watch very much. I can't really think of anything they would watch that i wouldn't want the baby to see--if they did the tv is not in the living room, so we can close the door. They usually keep the baby out when they watch tv because all she wants to do is push the buttons on the tv--very annoying.

Foods the younger can't eat?

This is difficult. They usually hide from the toddler when they have forbidden food.

I'm also having issues showing my equal affection towards (a normal and independant) but a little bit smart alecy and rebellious preteen who does not want my hugs and a cuddlebug toddler.

I think it is important to show an interest in the things they are interested in. Make sure you're child knows what a cool, interesting, smart person you think they are. Find ways to have fun together. For us, the bedtime ritual is still a time of family connection. We all pile into mom and dad's bed and I read a chapter or two of a book (while I nurse the toddler to sleep).

Originally Posted by Caroline248

Anyway, being the parent of different age groups is not easy. If one more person tells me how it easy it must be for me because I have my oldest to help, I may smack them. He is still my child. Not my babysitter. NOt many people understnad the challenges that arise from multi-age groups. Sure, the oldest can dress himself, but with that comes homework, projects, activities, friends, etc...

This is so true. My 13yo really doesn't help with the toddler much. She's just not interested, and I don't think she should have to.

[Flor]

My boys are almost 11 and almost 3 as well. They play a lot together, but they fight too. I also think the older one could do less "baiting" (do you have to use your gameboy on the couch right here in front of him?) but he is also really good with him. We don't know many other toddlers, so I don't want the older one to get the idea that the younger one is just a brat. The older one was quite a handful when he was little so I try to share that with him too. When the younger one was born, I thought I was so smart to have this age difference and felt sorry for those with two toddlers, it has just been the past few months I have felt the difficulties.

The TV thing has been hard. The older one likes to watch YuGiOh and other rather violent cartoons like that. The younger one is fascinated. I feel like I am always banning things from the older one (you can't watch that now, don't let him see your ice cream, play with your gameboy in the bedroom), but I realize that the older one, as the only child at that time, didn't have older siblings showing him violent and scary cartoons when he was too little for them, so I am trying to let the younger one have a toddlerhood free from those influences, as well. He is just so fascinated with anything his older brother has.