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Teaching morals and life lesssons without insulting the biological parent? - Page 2

post #21 of 24
I statemenst are safe. Also, maybe don't think of it as "morals" but as "learned lessons." 1) "There are people who don't work but who still live fullfilling lives - but the majority of people do need work to feel fullfilled. I certainly . . ."
2) "There are people who have significant fullfilling, sexual relastionships with more than one person at the same time, but conventional wisdom in our society says it is hard, and indeed, I couldn't imagine . . . ." 3) We all know people (I know a whiskey drinking, pot-smking poet/academic etc) who use drugs/alcholol and who produce great work and are happy, but I've seen more lives derailed than not by overindulegence. I feel silly using . ."

Breastfeeding is a bit different because it isn't really relative. There is a best and a second best. But you can say, "well, breastmilk is best for the baby, though lots of people choose not to breastfeed. I loved breastfeeding . . ."

Good luck. My best friend is a pot smoking, one-night-a-week partying, non-monogomous WONDERFUL mother with the best little boy you can imagine. He will grow up believing that recreational drug and alcoholol use is OK and that sex as connection/affection with others is OK. He, like his mother who lives a really happy and fullfilling life, will do fine.
post #22 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot
When he stated he wouldn't breastfeed, did you ask him why? .
Because it's "gross" . He's at an age where it's gross, but he sure likes to see pictures of girls in bikinis! I'd think it was a "gross, partially naked stepmom" thing rather than health or emotion.
post #23 of 24
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
Good luck. My best friend is a pot smoking, one-night-a-week partying, non-monogomous WONDERFUL mother with the best little boy you can imagine. He will grow up believing that recreational drug and alcoholol use is OK and that sex as connection/affection with others is OK. He, like his mother who lives a really happy and fullfilling life, will do fine.
That is a possible outcome, of course, but in dss's life, the drinking and drugs and cheating have lead to a lot of pain, disease, and rehab. Of course, the hardest parts were back before he can remember, so I hope he still sees the possible harm in some choices.

The situation you describe sounds like a balanced, mature individual. Dss's mother moved 600 miles away for 2 years to get her drinking under control. I'm not saying that's not "mature," but that the effects of alcohol and drug abuse in his life have been extreme.


It has been great for me to hear from other's about their expereinces. Do you think it is different being the stepmom trying not to insult the biomom rather than the other biological parent. I wonder if one bioparent would feel more at ease to share their beliefs inspite of the other bioparent. I always feel that the stepparent has to watch what they say a bit more.
post #24 of 24
I'm not quite sure where I sit on this. With my stepson, I generally adopt the methods others have described. If he asks why I do things a certain way / believe in certain things, I describe to him why. (and DH and I are very open about our political / social beliefs-- I think it's good SS is exposed to them) When he asks why I plan on breastfeeding for so long, I do not hesitate to explain to him that breastmilk is best, though his mother used mostly formula at 6 wks +. I also haven't hesitated to say I don't want to use a crib because I think they look like baby jails! These are just my personal opinions, and he is old enough to understand that.
Plus, his father and I have lived very different lives with regards to sex, drugs, etc, so I feel that messages on those topics are mostly dictated by DH because he's the biological parent. This doesn't mean I won't make my feelings known if necessary-- then we can discuss it.
However, there are some things that DH has not hesitated to instill in my stepson. His mother smokes, and DH used to smoke, but since he was very young DH has told him smoking is a very bad habit. So he made a distinction between the gross habit, and people who do it-- thus, his mother had a bad habit, but that didn't make her a bad person. I think the same is true of his lessons on drinking. These are choices DH made, and I think they make sense. Because at a certain point, a kid should be aware of / taught the morals of their parents, and if those morals differ, then that stepchild will get to wrestle with them and figure out what works for them-- as long as everyone is clear that disagreeing with someone else's beliefs or opinions does not mean that person is a "bad" person.
So sometimes I think being a stepparent is about yielding to the bio parent you're married to, when the stepkid is old enough you can be clear about your opinions and explain why you have them, and then you can realize that your way of life is, in and of itself, an example to the kid.
I apologize for rambling....
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