3.5 yo who grabs things from sibling

[jenmk]

My 3.5 yo keeps taking things right out of his brother's hands. His brother, 21 mo, of course complains or cries when this happens. I've told ds1 gently that if he wants what his brother has, he needs to ask his brother if he can have it. And for a while he was doing that. But, he's created this new "game" of taking something from his brother, and after his brother cries and I remind ds1 that he needs to give back whatever was taken, ds1 will then go over to ds2 and say, "T, do you want the ball back?" This happens everytime. He takes something, ds2 complains, then he goes over and asks if ds2 wants it back. Then he'll give it back to ds2.

I don't know how to get him to stop doing this. It may be developmentally appropriate, but it upsets his brother, and is annoying the heck out of me because it's now happening all day long. I know some things go away if you don't make a big deal out of them, if you don't give much of a reaction, but ds1 is getting a reaction out of ds2, which he obviously likes. And I don't feel it's right to ignore ds1's rudeness to ds2 . . . he's not being knowingly rude, I know, but it is rude to just take something out of someone's hands. When ds1 tries to take something out of my hands without asking, I always remind him that he needs to ask first, that it's not okay for him to just grab something.

Obviously what I'm doing is not working at getting him to stop his grabbing game. If it was just happening occasionally, as it was before, then it wouldn't be a problem. But with it happening frequently throughout the day, it is a problem.

Advice?

[jakobsmom]

me too!

I wish I had some advise, but all I can do is join you in asking for HELP!

My 3.5 son is doing the same thing all the time from his 2 yr old brother. I start by asking him to give it back and when he doesn't then I take it and give it back. Then he will keep taking it, or chasing his brother around the house.

It really upsets my younger son and I don't feel that I can ignore the behavior because of this. I know it gets the three year old tons of attention, but he isn't exactly attention starved! I have started tring to change the game when the behavior begins and this works, but then I feel a bit upset if I was just trying to make one phone call or something for the first time all day. I have tried giving them seperate things to do - but they would rather play together and fight, than be apart.

Who knows what to do??? I know that "this too shall pass" but it is pretty tiring at the moment!!! I am pleased that the behavior doesn't extend to other kids, at least not so far, just his brother.

[jenmk]

Doesn't anybody have any advice on this?

[travelinmom]

I generally make them give it back aknowledging that they want to play with it that it's not nice to just take things and you have to ask politely. I generally then, if they are both old enough to understand, set a timer for say 5 minutes, then when the time is up they have to trade toys. It worked well with my dd and ds, it doesn't work so well when ds takes things from his cousin because she doesn't understand taking turns yet.

[roseselene]

I'm right there with you on this one! I wish I had some good advice, but I'm right in the middle of it. What I have been doing is going up to Emily and say "You cannot take things out of ben's hands" or something similar to that. Then I take the object back and hand it back to Ben. A couple of times...just a couple,...she has actually handed it back to Ben. I don't know if that is a coincidence, or if repeating myself 1000 times has actually started to sink in. Who knows.
Good luck though! Iknow how frustrating it is.
Amy

[kayakjen]

I have no help, but we are going through the same thing here!

[ChinaDoll]

We have a LOT of that at our house, too

Our house "rule" about that is that if you want what someone else has, you only have 2 choices:

1) ask nicely, and if refused, go play with something else

2) offer something else in a trade, and if refused, go play with something else

I agree, the 3.5 year old probably enjoys getting a rise out of the little one; mine sure does : We try to remind her that as the older sister, she can help by offering to trade with him; usually he's very amenable to that, and also remind her that he'll probably tire of said item soon, and then she can have it if she'll just wait. We still have a lot of that, but reminding them to trade DOES help.

[Pam_and_Abigail]

This happens a lot with my 3.5 yr old and my 14 month old, which is hard because dd2 is so young. Now, if dc1 grabs from dc2, is it ok to 'grab' from dc1 to give the item back to dc2? I try not to do this, but we had a therapist say that we should. I try to get her to do it on her own, but yesterday I was fed up with it, and after a bit of cajoling, snatched it and gave the toy to dd2. Well, dd1 starts saying to me "Don't grab!" ... I felt really bad, but modelling by not grabbing from her hasn't really worked if she's grabbing from sis...

[angela&avery]

well, my 4 and 2 year olds fight a lot!! I have taught them to say "when you are done, id like a turn". My four year old takes things alot from dd, but she does it to him sometimes too, so often I dont even know who had it first. I tell them to work it out. We, too, have reminded ds(4) that she tires of things quickly and if he will just wait a minute he can have it.....

[TripMom]

Me too!

Got one of these too.

Lately we've tried making the area where the babies play . . . the "sharing room" . . . can only stay in the sharing room if we abide by its rules . . .

[awnja]

I have always avoided grabbing that toy back. To me its like hitting a hitter. Dd has done it a little and I feel I've pretty much nipped it in the bud... then again she's not 3 yet so things may change.

My suggestion is to bring attention to the pain he's caused. Totally focus on the "victim." Make a point to keep your back to the grabber (this works really good for bitting too) and just dote over the victim, giving him words for his pain. Like "how awful! Someone took a toy away from you. that really hurts your feelings, doesn't it? you weren't finished playing with that were you? want a hug? You poor kid. you're a good kid, you don't deserve such treatment.. bla bla,," whatever you think is appropriate, just keep going till it bugs the grabber. In other words, help him feel crummy about it - even if it's just because the other kid's getting more attention. Then you can say to the grabber, "look at those tears! I know you didn't want to make him cry, he's you're brother. What do you think might make him feel better? How can you fix this? Maybe you can give that toy back and take it again when he's all done playing with it? That would be so nice." (I'm way over lecturing here, but you get the picture - let the grabber own the problem and fix it.

If you see it coming, like he's about to grab, that's a good time to coach him on alternative actions - trading, waiting and finding something more fun, asking nicely for attention instead of acting out, playing a taking game with mommy instead?

[jakobsmom]

thanks

I am definately going to try that, I think my son will be upset that his grabbing got his brother all the attention.

Thanks for the advice!!!

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by awnja

My suggestion is to bring attention to the pain he's caused. Totally focus on the "victim."

What great advice. This type of approach should help the DCs (eventually) develop a more innate sense of "empathy" in the long run.

thanks Awnja!

[awnja]

And keep us updated. It was fascinating watching my dd's reaction to me doing that. She would kind of wander off a little and contemplate the whole thing. When she bit a kid I was babysitting (to her credit, he put his finger in her mouth)- the one time - I did that and after a while turned to her and she got a sly smile that said "NOW I get my attention.. I'm in trouble but this should be interesting." I just hugged the boy and showed her the drop of blood on her hand and sadly said, "you did this." Her face dropped and she hugged him too.