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Homeschool group values?

post #1 of 57
Thread Starter 
-deleted for too much personal info-
post #2 of 57
What is "stress standing"? Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. I wouldn't stay in the group if there were going to be punishments. I can handle a little bit of differing values, but not if it's going to be a negative experience for my kids--it defeats the purpose. Are there other homeschool groups in your area? Can your daughter take a dance class, community art class, or play team sports instead for social interaction? Good luck.
post #3 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by springbabes
What is "stress standing"? Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. I wouldn't stay in the group if there were going to be punishments. I can handle a little bit of differing values, but not if it's going to be a negative experience for my kids--it defeats the purpose. Are there other homeschool groups in your area? Can your daughter take a dance class, community art class, or play team sports instead for social interaction? Good luck.
Stress standing is being forced to stand on tiptoe with your arms streched out for some extended time. It was a pretty common punishment when I was in school. My husband's reaction was, "well that isn't so bad; it's not like they hit her or anything"--I said he wouldn't say that if it were done to him!

I don't know if it's a negative experience or not; they do enjoy it, or at least seem to. L. never complained about it until that incident.

Another group or class might be a good idea, but I would really want something that they could both do together, and the younger one isn't quite 3. The only other homeschool group is for a specific religious group that we're not part of.

Socialization is really my husband's issue. I honestly think he's concerned about socializing me as them!

Thanks for your advice though!
post #4 of 57
Thread Starter 
I forgot to mention, she was being punished for "talking back." Honestly this bothers me almost as much as the punishment itself--I attribute a lot of problems in society to people being taught not to "talk back."
post #5 of 57
I wouldn't expect to find an entire group of people who share my values--(especially when they include noncoerciveness!) But I would expect any group to respect our values.

I know you said your husband is concerned about socialization, but is THIS the type of socialization he wants them exposed to?

Do your kids WANT to be a part of this group? If so, I'd find a way for them to participate without the threat of punishment--maybe you need to talk to whoever is the leader (although, if the rest of the parents agree this is appropriate, I don't see how you could change the policy) maybe you need to stay with the kids. Personally, *I* would not be comfortable in this group because I wouldn't want to witness this type of treatment any more than I'd want my own kids treated that way. Are there any other hsing groups around? Could you form one of your own?

Quote:
Is a "group" experience more important than consistant values?
I don't think it's an either/or question. A "group experience" is worth whatever it's worth. The only person's values you can control are your own--It's not consistant to say to your kids, in effect, "I believe in living non-coercively, except that I'm going to force you to go to this class every week where people may punish you."
post #6 of 57
Our, political, ethical, religious and lifestyle are so wonky compared to most hsers in our area so we choose not to even bother with "hs group". We do belong to our local 4H and do lots of library visits as well as the park and well we live soooooooooo I'm a pretty much keep to myself kind of person as well, so that is what we do for all of us to "get out"...oh we also have some friends that we goof off with.
post #7 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigianna
This made me want to pull out of group altogether, but my husband thinks it's more important for them to have
"socialization" and that I should just tell them that I don't want them punishing L. or else stay there with them the whole time.
I'm not sure what you mean by "or else stay there with them the whole time". Our group activities are definitely not drop-off events! If you are there, you can instill your own values and help temper the others. We belong to a group ranging from very mainstream to well... me. We go because they have a lot of activities that ds thinks are fun. If the kids are having fun, my vote is to stick with it, but stick around too!
post #8 of 57
Thread Starter 
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post #9 of 57
Thread Starter 
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post #10 of 57
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by callmemama
I'm not sure what you mean by "or else stay there with them the whole time". Our group activities are definitely not drop-off events! If you are there, you can instill your own values and help temper the others. We belong to a group ranging from very mainstream to well... me. We go because they have a lot of activities that ds thinks are fun. If the kids are having fun, my vote is to stick with it, but stick around too!
It's sort of part homeschool group, part "mother's day off" group. I probably will stay with them if we decide to stay in it, but I'm still concerned about the coercive atmosphere influencing them somehow.
post #11 of 57
Wow, my jaw dropped. We are not a totally non-coercive household, but I would be livid if someone did that to my kid.

I sympathize because I am reclusive too , but I would really really really encourage you to work on seeking out a group that shares more your values. For us, it took simply putting up flyers around town (at the library, co-op, etc.,) and setting up a yahoogroups message board. The first year or so, sometimes we were lucky if anyone showed up to "park day", the second year there were 5 or 6 families that met semi-regularly. But word-of-mouth and the flyers did their job, and now 66 families belong to our group, and on any given park/gym day we have an average of 15-20 parents and at least twice as many kids. And have met so many people that we can pretty much have playdates any other day of the week as well.
post #12 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigianna
I certainly agree with you in theory, but in another sense, wouldn't the different values come through even if we all tried to be mutually respectful? What I mean is, even if the group was willing to respect our values by not punishing my kids, the underlying philosophy (like about not talking back, etc) would still taint their interactions? I'm not really disagreeing with you, just sort of thinking out loud and trying to figure out my own opinion...
I understand what you're saying, and yes, the underlying values WOULD come through--I see it happening within my own family--my brother and sister do not live the same way we do. We (my kids and I) are always discussing why their aunts or uncles do certain things, or have certain rules. Our friends are not what you'd call "mainstream," but we still do things differently -- that's life, yk? I think it's near impossible to choose an "alternative" lifestyle and not be exposed to different ways. It's opened up lots of good discussion at our house though, about fairness, rules, authority, human rights, etc. etc.

For ME, there is a line though, which is why I said I would not want to be witnessing what you've described, even if my own kids were not subjected to it. Just thinking about it puts my stomach in a knot. My kids would not be comfortable either, so I'm pretty certain we would not be involved in this group. (Especially if my kids were not asking to go and I didn't feel the need to socialize either.)
post #13 of 57
The only place I've ever heard of something similar to "stress standing" was the routine they used in Navy boot camp for anyone on light duty while everyone else did punitive calisthenics (cycling, in Navy jargon): you'd have to sit at attention with your hands out in front of you, and balance a pencil on top of your index fingers.

It doesn't sound the least bit appropriate to treat children that way.
post #14 of 57
The stress standing sounds vile and inappropriate no matter what your dd did. I'm glad that isn't mainstream where I live.
If someone did that to my dd I would definitely not leave her there without me and if no one else in the group thought it was a big deal I would probably try very hard to find a different group or wait until dd was older to join a group.
My dd is 6 and we aren't in a homeschool group because the only ones I have found are an hour drive away from us or are geared more for older children. My dd is fine without a group.
Does it have to be group situation? Maybe you could invite just one or two kids over for regular playdates. Maybe you could offer to babysit for someone.
You might just be able to find one family with similar values in your area that you could get together with regulary.

You might post in the Finding Your Tribe area on this board to see if there are like-minded people near you.
post #15 of 57
I'm just going to comment on the punishment. I would have been livid and said something right then. I have a rule, if I'm there only I disapline if needed. No one else(except dh of course) If my kids are in the care of someone else, their rules apply, but the only disapline they can do is time out/corner and call me.
post #16 of 57
Someone disciplining my child like that would be more than enough for me to leave the group.

Does the group have some kind of discipline policy? In the groups I have been in, the discipline is ALWAYS left up to the parent, never anyone else and especially to that extent.
post #17 of 57
Personally, I would not leave my children alone in a group like that ever. I only drop my children off at a friend's house to be watched (rarely) if I know that the friend is close in parenting style to me (and I need to know them extremely well, which I do).

If your child wants to continue to go to that group, definitely go every single time for the entire session. You could also speak with the leader of the homeschool group and express your frustration with the fact that your child was disciplined at all. That it is not the place of parents to discipline other peoples' children. Perhaps you could insist that a list of standards for the group are drawn up which include standards of behavior for the children and supervisors, none of which include stress standing.

At the same time, look for other groups in your area and start trying them out. If you don't find any, then start your own. I love being in groups because we know that every week on *this*day, we will be involved in whatever the group is involved in. One of the main reasons our group works so well, imo, is that we have such a small adult/child ratio, if any issues come up, there are always mothers around to gently help relieve the situation. Unlike what is available in public or private schools.

Definitely let us know what you decide to do! I've love to hear an update.
post #18 of 57
I'm ordinarily not very good at just cutting to the chase - but my very visceral reaction is:

Just keep them away from there!

Did other people witness that and not intervene? Do other parents know what's going on there? None of it is even remotely okay on any level.


And your daughters needs to know that nobody has the right to do that to them - and that if anyone should ever try, they're to respond that their mom has instructed them that it's not okay and to report it to her. But they shouldn't even be around people like that - much less left alone with any.

If you can't find another group in your area, I'll bet there are other families in your area that would love to join the kind you envision. But I don't see why you would have to check with your family first. You're in a lot better position to see the possiblities and make a decision like that. You know all the considerations and the benefits it would have; and your husband and children might not even have a way of understanding the vision at this point. Sure, you don't want to rip them away from something they love - but they need to see some other alternatives.

Here are some resources for finding another group - it's not uncommon for people to not even have heard of other groups nearby. The problem with support group listings is that no one list seems to be complete - so it's good to check them all:

http://www.nhen.org/support/groups/browse.asp

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/...ks/support.htm

http://www.homeedmag.com/wlcm_groups.html

You can also find groups by going to
http://groups.yahoo.com/ and searching in the homeschooling groups. You might not find one for your specific area, but you can join a statewide or regional one and ask there.

And here are some articles on [b]starting[b] a group:

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/...pportStart.htm

http://www.nhen.org/support/leadership.asp?id=313

This one mentions some resources specific to California but has more general ideas as well.
http://www.hsc.org/chaos/gettingstar...ed.php#support

Good luck! I hope this all gets resolved soon. Lillian
post #19 of 57
I wouldn't stay in a group like that; kids can get that kind of socialization in school. How large an area do you live in? Like you, I tend to be reclusive. I'd be happy just staying at home with my kids--but that's not fair to them. So, after a little more than a year of searching and talking and visiting parkdays and other activities, we connected with an AP-centered group that is based about 40 minutes from here. It's a small group--about ten active families--but more diverse than any other group we've seen (important to us b/c our kids are biracial). We have one day strictly set aside for the group, but we've started getting together several times a week because it's so comfortable. Because the group started as an AP-centered playgroup with the long-term goal of becoming a homeschool support group, there's a genuine sense of respect and concern for each child. We're growing into a community instead of just a group with a single common interest.

I would search for another group and, in the absence of an existing one, start one. You can't be the only one with those values and concerns.
post #20 of 57
Well, i wouldn't even consider that"mainstream"- we're a pretty mainstream family(yes, we coerce,quite a bit! ), and there are many different types of parenting within our group but none of us would consider disciplining another ones child like that-ever! if a child was unruly in a class,(and mine really can get that way...)at most it would've been mentioned to the parent, and they could work with their own child, in their own way! So, if you feel uncomfortable, stay with your child- you all will be exposed to other types of families with different values, but no one should impose theirs on your kids, without your consent!
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