Agreed- I know some parents who feel ok doing some things disciplinary wise with their kids, that I DON"T want to see. It's very uncomfortable- so I don't spend time with them. It sounds like thses people are the exact opposite of what you want, so ditch them!
What I meant before when I said you'll all be exposed to various types of people was this- in a group like i have, we all have major differences in how we parent. But not one of us feels the need to judge another, or to insinuate that b/c we've chosen a certain way, that others need to comply with us. If I felt anyone of these folks represented harm to my kids, I'd avoid them.That's comfort in a way,b/c if you truly do have anxiety issues, you don't want to make 'differences" the reason your kids might pick up on your anxieties ,and have a lack of sociability.
You said your dh has concerns,and that's good, you have his input to keep balanced. I'm not saying that this one issue should be overlooked, b/c it shouldn't. But do try to find other groups or families for you guys to socialize with. it is very important. I know a few moms who have social anxieties, and some do well, in spite of their own fears, give their kids the opportunities to spend time with others, whereas a couple of them transfer their anxieties onto their own kids, and these kids(I know them personally) are as paralyzed by fear as their mothers. Unable to have normal child relationships. they have no friends, b/c thay're too anxious!
I'm not in any way putting you down, I know how hard it is to find a good fit with families sometimes, but keep looking, the Y may have other families attending with whom you'll all feel comfortable-