DD "forgetting" manners all of the sudden

[Plummeting]

She is only 22 months, so this is not a big deal yet, but.... She always used to say "thank you" and "you're welcome", but the last couple of months she almost never does. This has resulted in a lot of prompting from DH and relatives, which doesn't seem to help at all. It seems to me that it may even be making her *less* likely to say "thank you" on her own. (Is that a possibility?) This is just a phase, right? Generally, when someone does something that requires a "thank you", I've been saying it to them, instead of prompting her. Is this an appropriate way to handle it for a toddler her age? She will eventually pick it up again on her own, won't she?

Also, she has recently started being horribly demanding. She doesn't even ask one time before she starts screaming at the top of her lungs for something. I don't know how to react to that. I've tried telling her that yelling makes people feel bad/uncomfortable/sad, but she's not concerned about that yet. It doesn't seem right to respond to a toddler screaming "Book! Get it!" in a very domineering tone, by running to get her the book. How should I handle this?

[Quagmire]

My DD has periods where she is very consistent in using please and thank you, and others where she doesn't. She is only two, so I'm not so concerned If she says "I want milk" I will reply "you want some milk please? Ok, mommy will get it for you." Sometimes she will add a please at that time, sometimes not. No big deal either way, I can't say that I'm so consistent either. As long as the tone of voice is fairly pleasant (i.e. she is not shouting at me) I don't mind.

Demanding is a pretty common thing to be doing at this age. DD has become mightily bossy about everything... "Mommy don't dance! Daddy, sssh! Mommy, no eat the sandwich! Daddy move your coat off the chair!" Seems like she's experimenting with what she can control and what she cannot.

At Gymboree on Saturday DD overheard another mom telling her daughter "get off the slide RIGHT NOW and let's GO!" So all weekend DD has been saying "I want milk, RIGHT NOW! I want my dog RIGHT NOW!" It certainly doesn't take much exposure! We remind DD that we like to be asked nicely for things and she rephrases the request. If she doesn't and she's still shouting at us I tell her I'll be happy to help her once she can ask me nicely. This is not very usual though.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Plummeting

She is only 22 months, so this is not a big deal yet, but.... She always used to say "thank you" and "you're welcome", but the last couple of months she almost never does. This has resulted in a lot of prompting from DH and relatives, which doesn't seem to help at all. It seems to me that it may even be making her *less* likely to say "thank you" on her own. (Is that a possibility?) This is just a phase, right? Generally, when someone does something that requires a "thank you", I've been saying it to them, instead of prompting her. Is this an appropriate way to handle it for a toddler her age? She will eventually pick it up again on her own, won't she?

Also, she has recently started being horribly demanding. She doesn't even ask one time before she starts screaming at the top of her lungs for something. I don't know how to react to that. I've tried telling her that yelling makes people feel bad/uncomfortable/sad, but she's not concerned about that yet. It doesn't seem right to respond to a toddler screaming "Book! Get it!" in a very domineering tone, by running to get her the book. How should I handle this?

Well she is very young. I think the modeling will help. But I would absolutely refuse to get anything for her unless she can be civil. Tell her that when she can ask nicely, like a big girl, instead of screaming and demanding, which makes you feel badly, you will get the book or whatever else, for her.

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

Well she is very young. I think the modeling will help. But I would absolutely refuse to get anything for her unless she can be civil. Tell her that when she can ask nicely, like a big girl, instead of screaming and demanding, which makes you feel badly, you will get the book or whatever else, for her.

yes i agee- at first she might resist and continue with the screaming request, but when she sees that you won't do what she wants eventually she will reply with a nicer request-However you will probably be reminding her quite often, I am still reminding my 3 year old so don't think it will go away anytime soon:

[PikkuMyy]

I wouldn't worry about the please and thank you, and you're welcome. I wouldn't expect them from a child that age. But I do think that responding to the screaming or yelling is reinforcing that behavior. I would simply model the correct approach (and not even worry about the please, etc.) and ask for it to be repeated before following the request. At this age, I feel it is very important to give children exactly what we expect from them. I think "ask it like a nice girl" is much too vague, especially in the situation. "That loud voice hurts my ears. You can tell me "Will you get the book?" or "Mama, get the book" (modeled in a soft voice) and once the child repeats it, get the book.

I don't worry about the manners stuff so much even when older. Someone I know is having some struggles with her daughter, who is 5 1/2, being very demanding, etc. and not polite. I see her daughter every weekday and interact with her a lot. I don't care if she says to me, "Can I please have some milk?". I do care that she says, "Can I have some milk?" or "Will you get me some milk?" in a gentle voice. Which she does. I think that teaching kids to tack on "please" to what is often already a non-gentle sentence isn't teaching them anything. Not that anyone is advocating that here. But I hear children talking in what I consider to be unacceptable voices, and then being asked to tack on "please" afterwards, at which point the adult considers the situation to be polite and follows the request. I think that is missing the entire point. I mean, most people don't want to be told in a loud, nasty or bossy voice, "Get my milk NOW....please" :LOL

[blessed]

I recently posted about how happy we were with modeling in our 25 month old.

Usually my baby would be demanding - like any baby is, but not rude. She just wanted whatever it was and it didn't occur to her to think about the person getting it. I'd just get it for her and cheerfully say 'mama, may I have my milk please? Thank you!', without expecting her to respond. Now she just spontaneously speaks that way on her own, without prompting.

If there was ever an element of meaness or aggression in her manner - which is what I would think of as 'rude' in her age group - then I'd show gentle disapproval very briefly and then quickly just move on into modeling the correct way: "oh noooo, honey. We don't talk to daddy that way. Daddy, may I have my cup, please? Thank you!"

It's very important to me that she not feel 'shamed' by the experience. Our girl is so sensitive to our feedback that we have to be careful to meter out only very tiny doses of correction, and to frame it like it's just no big deal at all - just letting her know what we think. Otherwise she internalizes it and starts thinking of herself as a 'bad girl', which actually seems to perpetuate the unhappy behavior.

I think she looks to papa and me to help define who she is (I suppose that's obvious). When we mirror back that she's a 'good girl' and that we're happy with how she's conducting herself, she feels secure that she CAN interact with us and can accomplish the things that she wants without being aggressive or unpleasant. It builds her confidence in her social interactions.

[PikkuMyy]

Blessed - I think your way of modeling is also a great idea.

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy

Blessed - I think your way of modeling is also a great idea.

yes I do to

[blessed]

Gee thanks.

Just curious, is my way different? I actually haven't read any books or anything - just sort of making it up as I go. I figured when people talk about 'modeling' that this is what they mean.

[PikkuMyy]

It's not much different from what I do. But many people are focused on stopping the inappropriate behavior or speech that they don't think of modeling the appropriate version. And they don't understand that just modeling it yourself even without expecting is teaching.

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy

It's not much different from what I do. But many people are focused on stopping the inappropriate behavior or speech that they don't think of modeling the appropriate version. And they don't understand that just modeling it yourself even without expecting is teaching.

exactly what I was going to say

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy

I think that teaching kids to tack on "please" to what is often already a non-gentle sentence isn't teaching them anything.

I agree 100%. When she screams and makes demands at me, I definitely don't tell her to say "please"!

I guess this is just a phase, because I've been doing what everyone recommends already. I don't prompt her to say please, thank you or you're welcome. I just model the behavior and I also say it for her when she forgets. It's my DH and others telling her "What do you say?" or "Say please," and I talked to DH about that today, so hopefully he won't continue, because I honestly do feel like it makes her *less* likely to do it on her own, since she's waiting to be prompted rather than taking any initiative. And it's not that I would expect all children to have perfect manners or say please and thank you all the time that prompted me to post. It's just that *she* was already doing those things, then suddenly stopped and I didn't know why.

I'm glad that she isn't the only demanding almost-two-year-old out there! It's very frustrating. Sometimes I just feel like screaming "Stop YELLING at me!" right back at her. (Don't worry, I haven't - yet. )