why shouldn't I tell my child not to cry?

[sunnylady303]

I am brand new to the idea that telling my two year old not to cry is a bad idea. She has a new little sister and some days, I swear, she spends two-thirds of the day crying. I get so sick of it. If I sympathize she just keeps crying and even escalates. If I leave her to cry I feel like she's getting the message I don't care. And so I would tell her to stop crying (sometimes not said as gently as I would like when I am maxed out.) So if you don't tell your child to stop crying how do you handle it? What are the right messages to send? Especailly when she is crying so so much - over everything - food being spilled, wanting to be picked up when I can't pick her up, wanting strawberries (which we don't have), wanting a circle to fit in a square hole - I am not trying to be insensitive I really really love my daughter but she can seriously cry over anything. I am at a loss for what to do and what is normal and why it's bad to tell her to stop crying. Any advice? I really want to do what's best here and I can see how telling her to stop might be a bad idea...

[Kathryn]

I wouldn't tell her to stop crying because it invalidates her feelings. I would get down on her level, give her a hug, and whisper "calm down honey, tell me what's wrong calmly so I can understand you" until she calms down. The things she's crying about may seem insignificant to you, but I remember being that age and they are very important to her most of the time.

[sunnylady303]

Thanks for your response. That makes sense to me. I REALLY don't want to invalidate her feelings, but the thing is - that doesn't work. She just gets more upset when I try to get down to her level and speak softly and calmly. I guess I am more looking for suggestions than for reasons not to tell her she needs to stop. Although the idea is new to me, I can see how it invalidates her feelings. But do I just let her cry when I can't her to calm down? Does that teach her I don't care? And how much crying is normal anyway?

[dynamicdoula]

With my boys, when they are crying and trying to get my attention or tell me something, I just say gently, repeatedly, "I see you're upset, but I can't understand when you talk while you're crying. Let's take a deep breath together.... okay, now try again, tell me what's wrong."

We do a lot of 'deep breaths' around here, when we're overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, crying, etc. It helps to refocus for a second.

I do this with whining and crying... "I can't understand when you ___, let's take a breath."

It takes a little while for them to get the hang of it, but now my oldest is 8 and when my 4yo starts crying or is angry, my 8yo will coach him on taking a a breath!

[kamilla626]

I don't know how much crying is "normal" but I think it's important to keep in mind that crying is often a toddler's most effective way of releasing tension. Just like for some adults, it can feel good for them to cry.

When my daughter cries, I get down at her level and ask her if she wants me to help her stop. "I'm sorry you're sad that we don't have any grapes right now. I know you really like grapes. Does it feel good to cry right now?" If she says yes, I'll offer to make her more comfortable: "Do you want me to hold you while you cry? Do you want your white blanket? If you want some alone time, I'll be in the kitchen, and you can call me if you want me." (This is all part of a conversation - I try not to just pepper her with questions.)

If she says no, then I'll help her take some deep breaths and find something to distract her. We'll pretend my finger is a birthday candle and she has to blow it out 3 times. This has worked really well.

Sometimes she's so upset she just cries more when I approach her. In those cases I'll just say "I can see that you're really sad right now. If you want me to help you get calm again, I'll be right here on the couch."

When toddlers cry, it's usually because their emotions are so intense that they don't know what else to do. It's hard to be supportive and calm when the crying seems to be non stop, but I try to remind myself that simply saying "stop crying!", can be heard by dd as "stop feeling!".

[Kathryn]

If these ideas just don't work, I would just let her release her tears, but be there with and for her.

[~Megan~]

kamilla626, that is the most helpful thing anyone has ever shared with me about this issue.

dd is much like the OPs and cries often. I will try those suggestions.

One more thing though, what do I do when I am nursing or holding a sleeping baby? Its easy to parent one child but having two, one of which is completely dependent, makes things much harder.

[Think of Winter]

Originally Posted by kamilla626

Sometimes she's so upset she just cries more when I approach her. In those cases I'll just say "I can see that you're really sad right now. If you want me to help you get calm again, I'll be right here on the couch."

When toddlers cry, it's usually because their emotions are so intense that they don't know what else to do. It's hard to be supportive and calm when the crying seems to be non stop, but I try to remind myself that simply saying "stop crying!", can be heard by dd as "stop feeling!".

This was very helpful for me to read, too. Last night we had a 2 hr crying session, which thankfully is unusual for my ds. I had a tummy bug, and am 7 mo pg, and was just not up to carrying him around. Ds kept repeating "Mommy pick up" over and over and over while he cried. We offerred daddy to carry, or mommy to sit with, or mommy in the rocker. No good. As he got more upset, he got "bossier," and I got more irritated. "Daddy go away. Daddy go upstairs. Mommy can do it. Mommy not tired. Mommy pick up." He did not stop. And nothing worked to calm him. I tried telling him that I knew he wanted me to carry him, and I was sorry I couldn't do it (I repeated this dozens of times.) Then I ended up asking him to please stop screaming, and saying to him that it hurts our feelings when he screams at us and tells daddy to go away. I asked him to use a gentle voice. But he was too hysterical to listen to what we wanted. Thanks very much to kamilla, and to the pp who suggested "cry quietly." I don't think it worked last night, but telling him to stop crying wouldn't have worked either. OK, rambling here...

[Animama]

Originally Posted by Kathryn

If these ideas just don't work, I would just let her release her tears, but be there with and for her.

Amen! We do that a lot. I've tried to drop my "buts." As in, "I know you're sad, but ..." or "It's really disappointing, but ..." If she's crying over something there's no solution to, I hold her and say, "I know you're sad," and hug her and wait for her to finish. That's all. I don't have to fix all her problems, I just need to be there for her. It's the most efficient way she has to let out frustration and stress. I mean, I don't let her go to the spa or take kickboxing.

If I'm holding the baby, I either put the baby down for a little while, or shift them so I can hold both on my lap. Sometimes the toddler's screaming has woken up her sleeping sister a foot away, but it's okay. She goes back to sleep.

[DreamsInDigital]

I know how overwhelming it is with more than one child. I have a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old. Some days it gets really hard but we have to remind ourselves of this: How would we want someone to respond when we cry? Do we like being told we're crying too loud? Do we like when someone tells us to stop crying? I don't know about you, but sometimes I want to be held or hugged, and sometimes I want to be alone and talk about it later.
Just because they're smaller doesn't mean they don't feel just like we do.
I don't ever try to make my two-year-old feel responsible for the baby. If his crying wakes the baby, so be it. His feelings are just as valid, IMO, as the baby's need to sleep. Babies can always go back to sleep. My son's feelings are hurt now.
I'm not trying to be insensitive. Believe me, I know what it's like to really need the baby to stay asleep for awhile and sometimes I do ask my DS to go in his room if he needs to cry loudly, but I don't ever make him feel banished for crying.
Keep trying different things. Eventually you'll find something that works for you as well.
I'd type more but I'm now nak.

[kamilla626]

Originally Posted by Animama

Amen! We do that a lot. I've tried to drop my "buts." As in, "I know you're sad, but ..." or "It's really disappointing, but ..." If she's crying over something there's no solution to, I hold her and say, "I know you're sad," and hug her and wait for her to finish. That's all. I don't have to fix all her problems, I just need to be there for her. It's the most efficient way she has to let out frustration and stress. I mean, I don't let her go to the spa or take kickboxing.

Great suggestion. I have a bad habit of "butting" dd. I think when I do it, I'm trying to calm my own anxiety - like telling myself, "But there might be a way out of this... But I'm still doing the best I can..." Which, of course, does nothing to help her release her stress.

[mollyeilis]

My question is...does it even *work* to tell/ask someone to stop crying?

[Persephone]

Maybe she cries harder when you try to talk calmly to her is because she feels she's being heard, and she feels safe then to let it all out. Kind of like, have you ever tried really hard to hold in your tears, and then someone comes over and gives you a hug, and then you can't control it anymore? Because someone showed you they care, and you then feel safe enough to release your tears around them.

[sunnylady303]

hmmm, persephone, I hadn't thought of that. It's just so hard to deal with all the crying because I can't pick her up or whatever and I feel like I am being insensitive if I just "let" her cry. But maybe letting her know I am there for her and then letting her cry as much as she needs to...I don't know. And no, it never once worked when I would tell her to stop crying. It didn't seem to stop me though when I was really frustrated...

[Persephone]

I totally understand the feeling. I just finished reading the Aware Baby by Althea Solter, and she talks about theraputic crying in there for infants and toddlers. There's a thread in the cosleeping forum about it right now. And I felt really horrible and helpless when I held my dd while she cried. But, I really do think it's the best thing sometimes. (In my case, provided all her physical needs are met.) Dd cries very little now. (Part of that is temprament, I must admit. But she cries less now than she did before, and her crying is less intense most of the time, unless she's been really overstimulated that day.)

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by sunnylady303

It's just so hard to deal with all the crying because I can't pick her up or whatever and I feel like I am being insensitive if I just "let" her cry. But maybe letting her know I am there for her and then letting her cry as much as she needs to...I don't know.

It would be insensitive if you just ignored her and walked away. There is a big difference between ignoring her because you just want her to be quiet and allowing her to get it all out while she knows you're there for her if she needs you, kwim? Simply allowing her to cry if she feels like it, while telling her something like, "I'm right here if you need me," helps her understand that you care how she feels and are willing to help her through it.

[alegna]

Let me turn it around a bit- why would you tell her to stop crying? It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, which is understandable, but telling her to stop crying is for you not her.

-Angela

[mother nurture]

Originally Posted by dynamicdoula

With my boys, when they are crying and trying to get my attention or tell me something, I just say gently, repeatedly, "I see you're upset, but I can't understand when you talk while you're crying. Let's take a deep breath together.... okay, now try again, tell me what's wrong."

We do a lot of 'deep breaths' around here, when we're overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, crying, etc. It helps to refocus for a second.

I do this with whining and crying... "I can't understand when you ___, let's take a breath."

It takes a little while for them to get the hang of it, but now my oldest is 8 and when my 4yo starts crying or is angry, my 8yo will coach him on taking a a breath!

This is the method I use, too. "I see that your are sad/angry/frusturated, etc. But, it's hard for me to understand you...let's calm down together w/ a big ocean breath."

And I also second just letting her let it all out if that is what she is needing. I know as I'm sure you do...we need those days and times. Just support her and hold her as she cries.

[btlsmum]

I have one child that does not want to be consoled unless it's on her terms. When she's hurt you simply must let her cry until she's ready to come to you and be comforted. She gets irrate and downright madu if anyone tries to touch her or hug her when she is hurt/angry. She is definately the exception to the rule in this house and the one that I find myself getting frusterated with in crying situations. Hugging, cuddling, drying tears...that stuff I can do. Standing by and watching my child scream and fuss and not being able to help...I do not like. LOL

Ok, back to the OT. (sorry for the mini-highjack)
I think our job is to help them find other, more productive ways to react. So, while I hug them and help them calm down it's my job when they are calm to ask them "What could we have done differently?" or to assure them, if applicable, that we can deal with the situation competently (such as cleaning up a mess instead of crying over it) and put it behind us. I want to teach them coping skills so that their first reaction isn't necessarily tears. Yes, we all cry at times and children (blessedly) don't have the same filters on their emotions that adults do but I would like to help my children realize that they are competent human beings and to help them to analyze a situation and think about what they can do instead of just start crying straight away. Physical pain being a whole 'nother animal in this discussion. I'm speaking more of disappointment or frusteration or guilt, etc.

Of course, this is constant lesson and there are plenty of tears and meltdowns at our house. And, as children get older these instances are less and less.

[katallen]

I would first make sure that she is getting her needs for food, sleep, and positive one on one attention met, then I would remove some of the toys and obstacles that are beyond her level or make sure to step in to manuever them to a position that makes it possible for her to succeed when she starts to head toward the point of too much frustration. When dd cries I try to hold her and let her cry or to at least rub her back so she feels connected or if she wants her space I give it to her and read a book and let her know I am there for her when she needs me. It does get annoying sometimes but that is because of how I was raised not because crying is actually suppossed to be annoying. Hopefully when dd is old enough to have children (30) she will be open to all emotions and not find them annoying like I do because she is being brought up to respect them even though that sometimes means gritting my teeth and forcing my skin to toughen up after the ten millionth tantrum over a cracker. As she grows older she will learn other ways to express them that are less annoying, but first I am sure it will get more annoying and I am okay with that.

The reason it is important to me that she has her feelings validated is because everyone is going to go through some sort of trauma some day (even death is a big trauma) and it is really really hard to deal with your emotions over a trauma when you have been taught that they are bad. It is painful and difficult to cope after trauma if you have never been allowed to express yourself and all of the emotions come out in some very ugly ways that are hurtful to not only your loved ones but yourself also. I never want my child to experience that pain, it is not right to do to another person just because they annoy you. Children are small and still learning how to cope with life, including the emotions of life, and they should not be bullyed or shamed into being a little miniature of their parent for conveniences sake.