"That’s the way this world works"

[irinam]

I often hear/read this phrase or something similar to that in the conversation about "disciplining" kids.

"In real life there are rules and regulations that we have to abide by even if we don’t like them" "In real life one has to submit to authority" "In real life there are repercussions to one’s action" "At school/college/workplace nobody is going to validate their feelings" "Kids have to be prepared to live in this cruel society" and so on.

I am asking myself this question – aren’t our kids going to FORM this future society/ real life?

Do we have to bend them to conform to the current state of real life?

Won’t they be forming their own real life based on how they are raised?

May be some of the above sayings are a little backwards?

Could we, the parents, be changing the way society is going to be? One kid at a time

Just thinking out loud. Feel free to chime in

[Persephone]

I like the way you think.

[Ellp]

Hmmm..good points... thinking about it.
The only thing that comes to me right now is that the sayings I guess are an adult's way of easing/dealing with a child's disappointment? To guide them to conform with "colouring inside the lines" or "staying inside their box"?

The phrases you mention bug the heck out of me though. I'd like my Dd to think outside the box and to come up with creative ideas to her problems and not simply take another person's word that "this is the way it should be".

Ugg...gotta go, kid woke up.

[kamilla626]

I totally agree.

[mamasadie]

I've heard that a lot, and a similar comment from dh's cousin (we were talking about the breastfeeding support system for mothers in the Netherlands--I mentioned it would be great if the US adopted some of that and she said, "Well, you can't change the world").

My response was, "If everyone thought like you'd we'd still be living in caves."

[The4OfUs]

A little different take here, maybe...

While I do NOT believe in "toughening up" my kid so that he'll be able to live out in the cruel, harsh world and that's just the way it is, I DO want to help him develop perspective about life and things that may not go the way he wants.

I can see being either overly harsh, or overly protective as hindering your child's emotional development, so I try to strike a balance.

So, I do not actively seek out situations in which he will need to "learn a lesson", but if things come up in day to day life that aren't pleasant to him at *that moment* in time, I help him work through it so he can see that not every problem or issue is of the same magnitude. I have seen in my husband a lack of perspective sometimes, and he makes his life WAY more difficult for himself than it needs to be in certain situations. I'm trying to help DS avoid that.

I am all for standing up for yourself when there are injustices and wrongdoings and working towards change for the greater good of humanity (seriously, I am), but for everyday inconveniences and disappointments, I'd much rather my child grow up with the strength of character and resolve to let it slide off his back than making a big deal out of everything.

I'm NOT implying anyone on this forum is doing either of the extremes I mentioned above, but I do see the "point" behind the "that's the way it is" thing, sometimes. To me, it's not about being mean and harsh - it's about empowering my child, and NOT giving everyday situations the "power" over him to create undue turmoil in his life - it's about giving him enough credit/respect to see "the big picture" as opposed to what an individual situation might make him feel *at one moment in time*.....as I said, it's all about perspective. I sometimes see people get upset over things, and I think, "Man, life is too short to get your undies in a bunch over that."....but maybe I'm TOO laid back.

Having said that, I value and accept ALL of my son's feelings and expressions of emotion, and do NOT try to stifle him...I will gently talk to him about the situation and how sometimes things may not go the way we want, and what we can do to feel better...and what we might be able to do in the future to help, and that it's OK for things to not go the way you want an be upset, but it's not "the end of the world"....so I'm not trying to stifle him at all - just helping him gain perspective....

Have I typed the word "perspective" and used quotation marks/asterisks enough times in this post yet?

[nonconformnmom]

Very well said, Donosmommy04.

[lechepatito]

Your post reminded me of this article - it relates to schooling, but the theory applies to a lot of other areas, of course.

Better Get Used To It

[irinam]

Originally Posted by lechepatito

Your post reminded me of this article - it relates to schooling, but the theory applies to a lot of other areas, of course.

Better Get Used To It

Aww, Alfie Kohn, one of my favorites... You are so right – the ideas in this article can be applied to many areas of life.

[indiegirl]

While I think my most powerful impact on the world is raising strong, wonderful people who care for other and the environment in positive way, I also don't think I'm doing my kids any favors by not preparing them for the big, wide world. I teach my children to be their own advocates, to see the good and the bad in the world how and that bad things can and do happen (in age appropriate ways).

My dd just got her haircut and was so excited to show her friend. They're both five. I called ahead to let them know we were stopping by. When we got there, her friend exclaimed, "Your hair looks like a BOY. I dont' LIKE it. Ewwww!" She was so rude I felt really angry and felt like a mama bear, especially because my dd was so excited. I explained to the child what other things she might say but she wasn't interested in hearing it. She continued to tell my dd she didn't like it, etc. We left. My dd let it roll off her back but questioned why her friend "wasn't nice to her."

We talked about her hair and what others may say. I taught her how to advocate for herself if someone said she had "boy's" hair, "So what? Who cares! Girls can have short hair, too!" or what to say if someone said, "Ew! I don't like your hair!" ("That's okay. I like my hair.") My dd is confident enought that this episode didn't crush her...I can only hope it lasts, this confidence!

The truth is that life sometimes sucks. People can be so terrible (and wonderful--). I want my kids to know there are both out there and know how to deal with the bad stuff when it comes along. That doesn't mean I expose them to terrible things, but I also don't try and shield them from age-appropriate lessons about life.

Jesse