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It's going to be a beautiful spring! Please join! (Depression support) - Page 9

post #161 of 217
"normal" people do freak out when the pressure and stress in their lives increases. Most people have a least one episode of depression - triggered by something traumatic.

Lets not compare, own and accept the feelings. We are truly ok.

post #162 of 217
CherylAnn - I'm type 2, too. My brother's landed in the hospital a couple times for true mania (he's type 1, and definitely has had more problems with mania than depression, although he has had both), but I've never QUITE lost touch with reality that badly.

No time, be back later.
post #163 of 217
Ruthla, may I offer a bit of advice? Don't hate me!

YOu were having a good day and your kids came home and it wwas ruined.

It's up to YOU to own your feelings. It took me until, oh, a few months ago to get this. My kids can be as miserable as they choose, but I dont' have to LET it change my mood! I can CHOOSE to remain happy, or content. I can tell them to quit, go to their rooms and return when they can be pleasant, and remanin calm! Try it!

And as boomingranny implied, we ARE normal! No one exisits in the perfect world we often imagine our aquaintances living in. Everyone lives their own heaven and hell, my father used to say. Not a cheery saying, but probably pretty true.


I hope your dad gets his liver soon!
post #164 of 217
Originally Posted by CherylAnn
Ruthla, can you remind me about how your depression is being treated? Are you seeing someone? Are you getting the help you need?
I'm currently taking 80 mg of Prozac daily. I'm now seeing my therapist once a week (starting last week) but I last saw her a month or two ago, and before that I've had over 6m of no therapy.

I also have fibromyalgia and Meniere's disease, neither of which can really be treated, and fatty liver/gallbladder sludge (discovered from a liver u/s done because of high liver enzymes which my rheumatologist tested before starting me on pain meds, which I can't take due to my liver.)

Mt psychiatrist won't change my meds without consulting w/ my therapist first, to make sure there's no "non organic reason" for me to be overly depressed.

I don't really feel like I'm getting the help I need right now, but I'm not sure what else I could be doing.
post #165 of 217
Ruthla, I had my gall bladder out a year ago. I feel incredible!

I put it off for 30 years! Instead of being the size of a mushroom, it was the length of a piece of computer paper!!!

I have a phobia of surgery, so it was quite an ordeal for me,. but really, I'm sorry I took so long to have it!
post #166 of 217
Thread Starter 
Ugh, I've lost it this morning. I need to get it together before my inlaws arrive this afternoon. I am just over the edge. My daughter is constantly hurting her baby brother - whether I am right there or not. If I try to sit and police them I just end up in a wrestling match with her to keep her from hitting him while she hits me. I have talked to her until I'm blue in teh face about how sad and hurt he is, she says things like 'I want him to be sad'. I just snap and end up screaming at her and I'm angry at her all the time, even when she isn't actively doing something to him. I can see she is angry too, she will clench her teeth and make angry noises at him until he cries. I try to talk to her about it, listen to why she is upset, but she's too young to really explain and hse just says 'yeah' when I try to guess, but none of that seems to help stop her behavior.

This morning, she was whipping things at the baby and I just broke down crying, which upset her and she said she was sorry and hugged me and we talked for like 15 minutes about how sad her behavior makes mommy, etc. Then I had to go to the bathroom and she's hurting him again.

I have just been angry and stressed about this for weeks and I just snapped this morning, I can't stop crying. I have caused all this one way or another, either through yelling or not paying enough attention to her or something. I sound exactly like my mother, screaming and judgemental. I telling myself I'm just a horrible mother, I caused this problem and now I can't fix it.
post #167 of 217
sorry - I think this book might help (if you don't already have it) "Siblings without Rivalry".

I wish there were some magic wand to wipe away the bad energy. Your kids will be ok, we can make mistakes, I really empathize with how you're feeling.

post #168 of 217
aww, hugs mightymoo.

Have you tried physically separating them? Something along the lines of "If you want to be rough, you have to play all by yourself. If you want to be near Mommy and Baby Brother, then you have to be gentle."

I've been feeling a lot better since my therapy appt on monday. I've realized it's OK to feel overwhelmed because I DO have a lot on my plate right now.
post #169 of 217
MIghtymoo, we had a similar problem with our oldest hitting her little brother. She just seemed to have so much anger and didn't know how to channel it. We got her a lanyard and put a stressball on it. When she was at home, she had to wear it so that she would squeeze the ball instead of hitting her brother.

She loved it and made a point to put it on. She wore it for about a month and channeled the energy to the ball. We gradually weaned her off of it and all has been well.

My sister(a social worker) suggested it. Now when she regresses, we give the ball back to her and it serves as a reminder.
post #170 of 217

I'm glad you're feeling better since your appointment. I went last week and will go again next week. Just knowing that I have that appointment makes me feel like I'm doing something to help myself.
post #171 of 217
I haven't been around in a bit, well lurking, but not posting. I have been seeing the therapist for about 2 months now and taking meds almost that long. I'm feeling a heck of a lot better. I still have bad days, of course, but not as bad. I think i have a lot more patience with my kids, and more motivation. I'm so glad I took the big steps, it has made some of the smaller ones easier.

Mightymoo, I'm sorry about the big sister/little brother problem. My kids are having their struggles too. My daughter is older, so she can verbalize it a little better. She tells me she wants to spend time alone with me or her dad, without Hazel. So we're going to try to get some babysitting and take her to a movie and lunch. It isn't a huge thing, but I'm hoping it might help a little.
post #172 of 217
Thread Starter 
Yeah, I think maybe its time to get back into therapy. I'll have to start looking for a therapist, the problem is I don't know when I could go (DH leaves the house before 7am and returns home after 7pm). My down mood lasted all day though I was able to pull it together some before my inlaws arrived and its our 5 year anniversary today, so we went out for dinner, were supposed to go mini-golfing but it rained, so we went shopping and in the store I kept tripping and realized I was just so down and heavy I wasn't lifting my feet up far enough off the floor to prevent the sneaker bottom from catching. We saw a movie after that though and it cheered me up for a while. Course then I came home to find out while we were gone DD decided to cut her own hair (I gave her a haircut today) and cut off some big chunks. Why didn't I put the damn scissors away? Sigh. It's not helping me feel like a good mother.

I talked with DH about maybe considering some medication. I'm just going out of my mind and I don't like the person I am at the moment. It's been a long time since I felt this depressed, usually its just a morning or an afternoon and I'm back on my feet, today the sinking feeling hasn't left me once.

While I'm on the topic I want to ask if anyone else feels this way when they are depressed. I literally hurt inside, like my heart is sinking into my stomach. Like the feeling you might get if you answered the phone and the voice on the line said 'There has been an accident' - like someone has put a weight on your chest. Anyone else feel like that?
post #173 of 217
Yes,I had that feeling inside when I was very depressed. I remember being in the drive up at the bank and I literally couldn't hold my head up. It sucks.
I hope you find a therapist soon that you can truly share with. I'll be praying for you mama.
post #174 of 217
: mightymoo!

I've also had that feeling of utter sinking. I also usually feel super tired and achey.

Do you have anyone who could help with the dc while you go?

It always seems that when we are at our lowest is when things like your daughter cutting her happens, doesn't it? Stuff like this never happens when you're feeling good. Or as least not with me.

Just sending hugs because it will get better. Eventually.
post #175 of 217
Of course as soon as I post things are going well, I have a crappy day. It is only 9:30, but I'm having a hard time shaking it already. I didn't get near enough sleep last night, dd#1 woke up me and her sister early, so both of us are tired. I have a small milk blister or something that is now a small but extremely painful open wound on the one side my daughter will nurse on. I think it might be getting an infection. Last night, my older daughter toold me, before bed, that she wishes I would go back to work and my dh would stay home, because he doesn't kiss her as much, he hugs her, and kisses aren't her favorite thing. And also, dh plays with her more, and I only want to do grown up things all the time, like knit.

And what truly breaks my heart is that she's right. I burn out so hard just getting her and the baby up and ready for preschool every day and doing the long ass commute across town to take her there. Then watching the baby all morning, even though she is pretty mellow, she wants constant interaction unless she is nursing or sleeping (in my arms). By the time I drive across town to pick up my older daughter, I'm wiped out. I don't feel like playing. Sometimes it is okay if we go to the park or something, but often we just come home and watch tv. I know I need to change this oattern of interaction, but I don't know how.

And I've been wondering lately how to know if I'm on the right dose of meds. I'm on the lowest dose. I do feel a lot better, especially most days, but there are days like today when I feel absolutely awful, and they still happen pretty frequently. I feel like things could definitely be better still. I'm grumpy.
post #176 of 217
post #177 of 217
I had my second therapy session yesterday. Things seem to be going well. I feel comfortable talking to her--she's very straightforward, cut-the-cr*p.

She's given me an assignment to write and I've already spent a couple hours doing it and one person keeps showing up as negative--my mother. Now I just need to figure out how to deal with this I guess.

Otherwise I guess things are ok, just worrying a lot about DD#1 and school.
post #178 of 217
Thread Starter 
My mother is a big part of my problems too. I'm so worried I'm going to cause the same problems in my daughter.
post #179 of 217
That's my concern. But I also see my mother repeating the same patterns with my DDs. Yesterday was from he!! with her and the more I think about it, I think she is just so narcissistic and dwelling on her past that I can't do anything to change that, just how we deal with her, ykwim?
post #180 of 217
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by vamp127
That's my concern. But I also see my mother repeating the same patterns with my DDs. Yesterday was from he!! with her and the more I think about it, I think she is just so narcissistic and dwelling on her past that I can't do anything to change that, just how we deal with her, ykwim?
Yeah. I have seen my mother do exactly what she did to me all the time as a kid to my daughter. She is the queen of sarcasm and one day at dinner when we were living with them she just said what I consider to be the nastiest thing something on the lines of 'Well if you aren't going to hug me then maybe I don't love you' but a little less straightforward than that. (that was the meaning of it, she didn't say it quite so literally) It was a real eye opener for my DH who was there and now understands what I mean when I talk about my mom.

One thing that has helped me somewhat is through therapy and discussions with my husband, I've started to look at my mother more dispassionately and have kind of come to terms with my mother just being who she is. She's very selfish, everything is about her and I've just taken a step back and said 'okay, I accept that for who she is and see that I don't need to let it reflect upon me'. Having had that kind of epiphany helps me detach myself from her nasty comments or the not so thoughtful things she does and realize its her and not me. Although that means I get less depressed as a result, it doesn't stop her from bugging the crap out of me sometimes!
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