OCD/fears of hurting people - Page 2

[Marlet]

I do that to!! Allowing time to pass allows me to dwell on the what if's and causing more issues for myself.

[solstar]

Wellbutrin and Topamax were the meds I was on when I started thinking these thoughts. I had briefly had intrusive thoughts before and hmmmm come to think of it..all when I was on meds usually switching to a new one but they went away.

I am (obsessing LOL) thinking that maybe the meds changed my brain and this is it I will have this OCD forever.

Do any of you go over and over stuff in your mind like why did I think that I must be a horrible person and on and on. I wake up anxious and obsessing over why such things would come into my mind. All day I ask myself questions about why I would do this and come up with different answers. And am on the alert for any such thoughts to come into my head. I guess this is a from of OCD too? Or the anxiety part?

Sorry if I am not making much sense I am sick :P and my brain is full of snot!

[solstar]

has anyone else had OCD symptoms that started with an anti-depressant?

[solstar]

I had a therapy appt. today and the new therapist says I don't have bipolar and I am not psychotic (which is what I have been obsessing over). But I definitely have OCD.

So how are all of you doing?

[Marlet]

solstar you remind me of me! I wake up with obssesive thoughts all the time!! Going to sleep is tough because of it. I do it all day long. Like today, I...um......made a body noise and instead of moving on I have been reliving the embarassment of it all day long. I just asked DH and he has no idea what/when I am talking about!!! I get stuck. My brain does this one track thing...like a stuck record player. Glad your appointment went well today!

[kimkabob5]

Add me to the list. I have thoughts of someone hurting me or accidentally hurting myself. I can't even type the things I obsess about without triggering myself to have a really bad day. Lately it has progressed into worrying that I will hurt my children. I know I won't but the thoughts are disturbing. I'm bipolar and take Lamictal and Abilify and they definitely help with the mood swings, but they don't help with the obsessive, intrusive thoughts.

Years ago I was able to get rid of the thoughts easily just by telling myself that I don't have to think about x,y or z. Now not so much. I don't know why. Probably because of the stress in my life right now.

[solstar]

I am feeling especially anxious today, it seems my anxiety disorder has come back now that I am off meds. The kids are at MIL's house.
I think the problem is instead of seeing these thoughts as just thoughts and going on I am as guilty as if I had actually done something.

I am kicking myself for not just going off meds when I had a chance, instead I felt I needed something else and went on that hellish combo of meds that led to this.

[Marlet]

[solstar]

My therapist thinks I have a post traumatic stress like reaction to the thoughts. I am not exaclty thinking the thought but I am stressing on the thought of possibly thinking the thoughts.
My old psychiatrist said I may compulsively kill my children so I am freaking. My new therapist is shocked that he would say that because people with OCD are LESS likely than the regular population to be violent.

Therapy is hard. so far I have gone over my stefather trying to kill me (and said he was going to rape me) when I was a teenager while on SSRIs (therapist thought going on SSRIs triggered thoughts) and a gang rape. There is much much more to go through. I haven't even brought up a lot more of it.

[oldermamato5]

solstar((((hugs)))) That is absolutely ridiculous that a psychiatrist would say to you that you might would kill your children!!!!!!!! People with OCD are less likely to EVER act on their negative thoughts than the general population. Damn that makes me mad.
I have been subscribed to this thread since it started. You just keep on doing the best you can,you'll get through all this crap,I promise.
Love and positive thoughts sent your way,
Kim

[perl]

Poor thing! Sounds so horrible - I have to be quick b/c I have to get outside before it gets dark, but wanted to give you a couple of thoughts that I've gone over with my therapist. He's said (and books have agreed) that worrying about having another obsessive though will actually make things worse! You essentially have to, no matter how anxious it makes you feel, let the thoughts come in. Trying to suppress them actually can fuel the fire. He gave me this poem that is worth contemplating. I actually really like it, esp the first stanza - the thoughts are there, they are going to come up, and the best we can do is to just let them be.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


~ Rumi ~


(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

[treehugginmama]

I totally feel for you and know where you are coming from. I was the same way a year ago and I can't say I don't have obsessive thoughts anymore but they are rare and when they come I don't get scared and ashamed.

I used the Midwest Stress and Depression program. You can do a search for it. It has helped me so much.

It's helped me get over past abuse to me, my self esteem and that has help with my obsessive thinking and anxiety.

I hope your feeling beter Mama.

[CRISSY]

Hay Girls I haven't been around lately life.... I thought I was doing surprisingly good then bamm not so good. Over obsession is back the fear of the thoughts of hurting my children is back. I don't know why I thought my drugs were helping I ? about upping it but that just makes me sad. I'm scared of being over numb not to mention talk about killing the old sex drive. (zoloft) common side effect. I don't know I just want to be happy............ I was having a lot of stress about foreclosure on our house. Lack of money. I was actually doing great.I felt in control and needed. We were able to save the house and money is coming in. And yet I'm doing worse. It's like I need something to stress about in order to feel normal. It sounds weird I don't know...
So how is every one else Thanks for this thread I actually feel I can relate to you all..
lots of love
Crissy

[CRISSY]

Ohh and Pearl thank you for the poem it's nice to have a different perspective.

THANK YOU

[keegans_mommy]

Originally Posted by solstar

My therapist thinks I have a post traumatic stress like reaction to the thoughts. I am not exaclty thinking the thought but I am stressing on the thought of possibly thinking the thoughts.

This is me! My therapist said I have post tramatic stress because from birth until the age of 3 I was in a home with 2 abusive parents (all kinds of abuse) and then placed in foster care until the age of 5. I was then adopted by 2 wonderful, but clueless, people where I didn't feel "safe" even with them but they didn't understand the baggage I brought with me and was taught to hide feelings and illness's as we don't want to burden others. :

But I have so many of these feelings, I have thoughts flash into my head of hurting people and it makes me feel horrid! I obsess with numbers, I feel badly for inanimate objects. When I was a kid I couldn't leave my room without touching the light switch and if I did (running out) I had to re-enter my room and start over. My mother said as a small child she would get up in the middle of the night to me repeatedly washing my hands and the bar of soap would be tiny by that time.

Also, I cannot even call for a pizza for fear of the person on the other end of the phone thinking me stupid, talking to my own personal friends and family is the same. I fell they think of me as stupid and that I am always wrong with everything I say. I know it's irrational but it's still there.

[thismomentisfate]

hi, is anyone still visiting this thread?

[thisiswhatwedo]

wow I am glad this one came up again, helps me a lot!

[michanders4]

Hi!!! I just found it and am so glad I did!!!! I am going to get and read the Mark Somers book.

I have a question. Does anyone else not only fear that they will hurt someone accidentally, but on purpose to? I know its totally irrational but thats what scares me sometimes. My latest is that I'm going to sexually abuse my child. I know I won't do that and wouldn't want to do that. I guess its because of how much time I will spend with him, etc. It helped when I found out he was a boy, but I do want to have a daughter some day. Seems silly, but I'm more fearful of sexually abusing a girl. Once again, I know I will not do this. It started actually when I had this thought pop into my mind. I remember babysitting with my friend and we were changing the little girl's diaper and we wanted to see how many holes she had down there so I guess we looked. We were probably 14 and we didn't hurt her. After talking to other people about this I know it was a relatively normal thing to do and it was very very harmless. Because of my OCD I then thought - what if I hurt her (like did more or something)or didnt remember hurting her etc. I have to tell myself I am not crazy and I remember everything I do and I have control over my actions. It turns into me fearing already that I'm going to think I hurt my child who hasn't been born yet, maybe sexually, and then doubt my own self when I say I know I didn't. That's a lot to swallow! I know I won't do these things though and I have been feeling relatively a lot better about this.

Oh, I definitley had strept throat a lot as a kid. * sigh * My dad has OCD, not as severe as mine I don't think and my sister had symptoms of it too, once again not as severe. I am the one who is medicated for it and diagnosed with it and I had strept throat a lot as a child and apparently when I was born??

[thisiswhatwedo]

I get horrible thoughts and when I talk myself out of one scary thought, then the next one pops up. I feel like my brain just is working against me some days. It seems to be severe anxiety, as I have had anxiety since I was little, and yes I had strep every year when I was a kid, what does that mean? I must have missed something.