Dealing with perfectionism...

[Valerie.Qc]

Ok, I need your tips on dealing with my kids' perfectionism (fear of error could be another way to label it).

Both my dd and ds are used to "easy succes" and will avoid to attemps anything they think they wont get at first try :

Examples:

1- schoolwork is really easy to my dd (we are homeschooling and she work on an higher grade than her age in most of the topics) but she was told by someone that she's "stupid" when it come to math... this happend at school when she was 8 and she still beleive it now that she's 12 She will take 3 hours to do a simple assignment that should be done in 15 minutes - every move, every idea she gets, she doubt... she's so sure that she can't get it right that she wont really try to understand or get concentrate on the task...

2- ds, 5, asked me to help him to read last year so I bought some books that could help us and he was triving until someone said that "being able to read at 5 was impossible - child age 5 simply CAN'T read" He stopped attempting to read until recently and it's now difficult... He take a look at a letter then look at me anxiously without saying anything, waithing for ??? (getting the true answer in my eyes???) Same thing with is violin... he is so hesitant, looking at me or at his teacher... he don't want to sing the notes alone cause he's afraid he wouldn't have them in order...

Do you have some tips to help them accepting that anyone, even them, can make errors??? (they accept error for others - reminding me that it's ok to do errors if I burn the dinner )We never put emphasis on succes but on trying and effort... what did we do wrong??

[TapWitch]

My older dd, 17, has always been a perfectionist in just the way you describe. I've come to learn that it may be my own inflexibility towards myself that could be part of the issue. I think I've always been careful to not "push" her and to let mistakes be ok, but if I get upset with myself about not being Supermom--and during her young years I was single and really did try to "do it all"--I think that had more of an impact than anything I said. Not to imply that you're doing something wrong; but if you find any of this ringing true, you might want to give it a thought. Maybe our kids need to see us screw up!

On the other hand, I also work with astrology, and her Leo sun must always shine at the center of the universe! Maybe this was part of her fear of appearing less than perfect.

[teachma]

I can offer a lot of experience about this, as an elementary school teacher, a self-professed life long perfectionist, and the mama of a 2.5 year old perfectionist. Right now I don't have the time to elaborate, so I'll try tocome back later and get into it more. One thing I will say for now, that is tried-and-true, is to always point out your mistakes very overtly to your children, so they see you're not perfect either. Tell them when something's hard for you, and let them see your persistance through difficulty. Ask others for help, and let your child see your acceptance of it. When they know you are comfortable taking risks and accepting challenges, they may be more inclined to do the same. I'll be back with more on this important and interesting topic some time soon...

[teachma]

And yeah, TapWitch, it's a Leo thing for sure. My b-day is August 1, and my son's is the 22nd of the same month!

[bestjob]

At our house, perfectionism is often not a case of being unwilling to accept a less-than-perfect outcome, but rather an inability to find a path from where we are to where we want to be.

One thing that is really helping is that I have taken on a big, long-term project of learning about music and learning to play the violin as an adult. Before I began, I had never studied any music and I thought I was not very musical... now I know more about myself and music. I often refer to this project of mine when I am talking to my eight year old daughter who, like your daughter, questions herself too often and is ready to give up when she encounters obstacles. I am very commited to learning well enough to play in a quartet, and I talk a lot about dividing up my work into smaller, more easily managed goals, and also about revising my plans when it is necessary. I have also become much more understanding of the problems my children encounter as they take on new activities and learn new skills.

[Valerie.Qc]

I want to thank you for your answers.

Leo thing don't apply in our house: dd is Capricorn and DS is Virgo...

As for our attitude about failing... well, I must admit that I, sometimes, get emotional if I ruin the dinner... But I also work hard on projects and let both my kids see me having trouble and working harder to resolv them...

I think both my kids are like big sponge and they will beleive what people will say about them (that trainee at school that told my dd that she was stupid and that person that said in front of my ds that it was impossible to read at 5)... But it's weird cause they can stand for themself in certain situation but not on those issues...

About finding the path to get to their goal... it doesn't look like that for now. The path is there and they know the steps but they look so insecure taking them... I can understang the insecurity on the first attempt but when they have done it many times with success, how can they become so hesitant to repeat ??

I will still think about that...
If someone have something to say about it, feel free to share

[Kirsten]

I am a firstborn and am a perfectionist too. I think a part of it (and this is just armchair psychology so feel free to ignore it!) is that my parents did a lot of telling me how great, perfect, brilliant, beautiful everything that I did was. You would think I was the first kid ever to learn to walk, share, read, win a spelling bee.

Now that is all well and good for the self esteem (and I always have had a lot of it so they must have done that part pretty well). But I think it lends the child towards not wanting to try stuff they can't do well right away. You are told you are this high achiever and you don't want to ruin the great image by trying and failing at something.

I never did play sports. I am not clumsy or in any way too whatever to do well at sports. But it didn't come easily and I wouldn't do it. I also disliked art once I got old enough to realize that it wasn't just for fun - others (a teacher or parent or whomever) would look at it and have an opinion of how "good" it was. Loved music and sat first chair flute from sophomore year but that was something that was more black and white. You played the right notes or you didn't. Art and sports had more options to them if you KWIM. I could be wrong - make a bad choice, play, etc.
The other thing I didn't like about team sports was that if I made a mistake, that would let other people down. My team could lose if I screwed up. Wasn't worth the stress for me. But I think I missed out on some neat stuff that sports had to offer...

A very smart woman I know doesn't believe in praising kids at all. I have a hard time with this as I was raised a praise junkie but I see her point. She talks ABOUT the picture or game or whatever - describes it. No "you are so great" or "that is the best picture". Instead it would be "I could tell how hard you were working - you were all over that guy on defense" or "you used a lot of dark colors in this one - it seems more..." More of the "it looked like you were having fun" and less of the "I have never seen anything so wonderful".

Wonderful, perfect, fabulous, incredible, even great and good job all the time is a lot for a kid to continually live up to. I try to do more describing with my kids and I think it is working well so far. I want them to be pleased with what they are doing, not pleased with how others think they are doing (whether me or a teacher or a friend).

Regarding other people telling your kids they can't do something or are stupid, I would ask them what they think. Do you think you are stupid? Do you think that five year olds can't learn to read? Once my dd1 was crying because someone told her she was (can't even remember what it was now). I asked her if SHE thought she was that. She says "NO!" I think I said something like I was glad that SHE knew that and someone saying something doesn't make it true. That is important for them to learn for so many reasons.
My dd1's entire kindergarten class learned to read when they were five. I think it was set up well for them to do so, they had the adults' expectations that they could, time and effort was put in at school and at home and every last one of them did it.
Enough rambling from me.... But even with all my trying, my dd1 is quite the little perfectionist - though not as bad as she could be! I think it is partly a firstborn thing.
Kirsten

[Magical_Mama]

Make it fun

I have two suggestions.

First, since you are setting an example and teaching them how to view failure, start setting yourself up to fail.

Seriously, set an example of doing things badly but still loving to do it. I am a kick-butt pool player and I do love to play pool, but I also love bowling even though I am always the absolute worst bowler in the joint. Who cares! It's fun! If your kids see you joyfully doing something while you laugh at what a struggle it is, they may learn that it's not the result that matters.

The other suggestion is to make it into something fun. I'm a big believer in silliness for kids and it can be a great tool, too. Tell the kids that for a family assignment you each are going to pick one thing you "can't" do and have fun trying. Encourage them to pick something they like the sounds of even if they think they can't do it (like singing or painting) as opposed to something they hate (like long division). Stress that you're all supposed to do it badly and the only requirement is you must have fun. Try to be especially goofy and make it a weekly thing.

As for the reading, I'd drop it for now. My daughter learned to read at 4 (her doing) but when kids learn to read has no bearing on how well they will read and it's one of those subjects that can really stress them out.

Good luck. I was a perfectionist but luckily I've learned to be happily awful at lots of things! It's much more fun.