Dealing with in-laws and AP

[galadriel]

If you AP your kids, what do you do when your in-laws (or anyone else close to you) gives your kids a bunch of plastic junk (if that's not in line with your values). Or things that you might consider non-AP (for me, strollers, bouncers, swings, etc.)

And what if you explain how you feel, give them articles on AP, etc. etc. and they don't change? What do you do? My inlaws are very nice people, just waaay more mainstream than us!!

*****ETA: Okay, I realize that AP and plastic are SEPARATE issues; they're just two things that are sort of joined for me PERSONALLY. Please don't lecture me on how AP has to do with meeting your kids needs and not some hard and fast rule about mechanical "helpers", etc. I have a set of values, just like some people wouldn't bring meat into their home, that's how I feel about commercial plastic stuff.

[Dragonfly]

Donating them comes to mind

[sunmountain]

Do they ask you about them? You can direct them to places for gifts, like Chinaberry for books or Natural Baby for toys. Tell them you want to keep the toys for a long time, as heirlooms, and wooden ones are the most durable and aethetically pleasing.

But, be prepared to get a miriage of toys over the years. Keep some, give the others away to charity. You can't control what people give as gifts. They are an act of love, no matter the gift itself. Passing on that love to someone else is nothing to be wary of.

As far as the stroller/bouncy seat/swing issue goes, I have used all of the above at one time or another with all of my four kids. They each had their place and I never used them as a substitute for me. The objects themselves aren't bad, it's how they are used that is important. I would hang on to these items, even if you only get one use out of them, IMO.

[galadriel]

I just want to say that I do understand that strollers, bouncers etc. aren't automatically non-AP; I don't want to make a judgement about anyone using them, it's just that for me personally, I really, really don't want those things, and I don't have room to keep them in storage.

[sunmountain]

Ahhhh....I see you are about to have your first child....

I'm not making fun, but you will soon see that what you espouse to be as a parent does not necessarily match what you will become :LOL Everyone does the best they can as parents, so don't set yourself up for failure by saying "I will NEVER do x, y, z..." I SWORE I would never use a binky. Guess what? All four of my kids have used them, to no detriment of their speech or anything else, and I was thankful for it because it gives them some comfort when they don't need to nurse, and I sleep better for it, which helps me be a better parent. You can't be all things to them all the time, and you'll never be perfect. You will make mistakes, and you will find out that things you thought were bad really aren't. I'm not talking about regular spankings or letting them CIO, I would never do these things, but leave yourself some room to be open to different things, no child can be raised by a book or a magazine that tells you "if they do this, then you should do this..."

AP is all about instinct, not rules and guidelines. There are no tests. You will not avoid having a child who misbehaves or who cries a lot just because you practice it.

Though I totally understand about the storage thing, we have always had the same issue, too. One thing you could do, then, is ask the ILs to keep these things at their house, due to your lack of storage, and maybe you can use them when you go over there...you know, play with the babe in the bouncy seat, or have the GPs sit on the floor and do that, let them take the babe for a walk in the stroller. I would keep the swing, though. They can be really useful if you are doing something like frying an egg, when you really shouldn't have the babe in the sling at the stove, kwim? Actually I never used a swing with my first, but it was a mainstay in our living room for all the others, I just didn't have ten hands no matter how hard I wished for them

~~~~~~~Here's to a gentle and wonderful birth for you~~~~~~~~

[beanzer]

Stick to your guns ...

Ubertulip,

Every baby is different and so is every mom, and I agree that HOW you use a baby tool is more important than what it is ... stroller, bouncy seat, etc. etc ....

Having said that, I say stick to your guns about not having that stuff in your house. If you don't have it, you don't use it, and no baby has suffered from not sitting in a plastic bucket, in my opinion (except a car seat in a moving car, obviously).

I was given a play pen, with the understanding that I would just pop baby into it whenever I needed a few minutes to do something dangerous in the kitchen (pour off boiling water, for example). That seemed perfectly reasonable to me, so I set the little cage up, and then something very remarkable happened. I discovered that it was very convenient indeed to be able to stick my baby into a pen whenever I wanted to do something - and I slowly started using it ALL THE TIME. After three weeks, I packed the thing up, donated it to the Salvation Army, and we have been perfectly happy ever since. Dangerous kitchen jobs wait until someone else is around.

We don't use a stroller, so I carry my baby in a sling everywhere. She is in my arms all the time and that's a good thing. I also weigh ten pounds less than when I got pregnant and you should see my biceps!!

We don't use a swing - I rock my baby to sleep for every nap. We don't use a binky - I nurse my baby to satisfy her sucking urges. We don't use a bath seat, an exersaucer, a jolly jumper, a bouncy seat, a high chair - you name it. I have been given all these things (some of them more than once), and I just smile, say thank you and give them away!

But that's just my baby. Your baby might be different, and your mind might change. Give the stuff away if you really don't want it, but don't be afraid to change your mind. Certainly, you don't NEED any of it.

[NoHiddenFees]

We went through the first time parent minefield tellling everying (including ourselves) that other than the stuff we needed for a newborn we'd only buy stuff as we needed. We said we intended to try to go without as much of the 'mainstream' stuff as possible, but were keeping an open mind. This let the relatives, friends, etc. think that we'd break down eventually, while giving us a chance to show we didn't need it.

Turned out we didn't "need" a playpen, a bouncy seat, a swing, etc. However, we did need a stroller. DD was a huge baby and by four months we just couldn't carry her anymore. Yes, I know that some people can carry a baby well past 25lbs, but I'll wager not many do it in a kangaroo carry position (and round babies don't easily bend into this position).

Toys we handled differently. We told everyone point blank that we were not giving dd anything not made from natural materials and stuck to it. We had catalogues available for people see, but told people we didn't expect them to jump through hoops just because we were so "difficult" (and when you have a huge list of criteria that makes toys unacceptable, you do appear difficult to the rest of the world). We ended up with quite a few gift certificates, which was cool. And we always showed a sample of the toys, etc. we picked up so people could appreciate their quality and see what "they" got dd. Most people responded very well to the carved wood rattles and wooden play gym, etc.

Another thing we did was tell everyone that we especially didn't want anything plastic until dd was older because of phtalates. We told them this a lot.

Now we're heading into the battle of the books. Thankfully, most of our relatives think we're nuts in building a library even as large as we already have, so this might not be too much of a problem. We're a no Disney household... also no (or at least as few as possible) "branded" characters/series. We're trying to avoid getting tangled in the marketing web for as long as possible. Sometimes I can't believe the comments we get about "depriving" dd of Disney... you'd think it was tantamount to child abuse!

[AutumnWind]

Gosh, I don't think AP is about plastic vs. wood items, or Disney vs. non-Disney books. That's more about political and environmental issues, which are valuable things to teach a child, too. But I think that's separate from AP.

I agree with the give-away idea for things that you receive that don't fit in with your lifestyle. My IL's bought the baby a large bank shaped like a bottle. He plays with it by rolling it down the stairs or rolling it around outside. It hasn't made him less of a breastfed baby.

[NoHiddenFees]

I'm not claiming what AP is or is not about; I don't speak for anybody. Just sharing how we handled differences of opinions/values about the "things" we have in our household for dd. You can substitute XXXX for any particular item for the same effect.

[AutumnWind]

NHF - I wasn't zooming in on your post. I totally understand where you're coming from.

The title of the thread is Dealing with in-laws and *AP*. So I'm just sharing the fact that I don't feel that AP is about wood vs. non-wood, or Disney vs. non-Disney. And like I said, I agree with giving away gifts that don't fit in with your lifestyle. If you believe in natural living, and people are giving you non-natural toys & gifts, it makes sense to give them away, or tell people you're sticking to natural materials, as you said. If you don't believe in Disney books for kids, it makes sense to let people know not to get you those.

I'm saying in general that people are not less AP if they have plastics and Disney products.

[Cloverlove]

I would keep the stroller and highchair (to use when the babe is older) and sell the rest at the local resale shop. Use the $ to buy what you want.

As for the greater question, what to do about in-laws... talk to them, give them catalogues or urls. My parents set-up college funds for both our kiddos. They make deposits every birthday and holiday. I highly recommend it!

Buying less + compound interest = good

Blessings for a gentle and wonder-ful birth!

[Cloverlove]

I forgot to add...

Another thing that worked for us was asking for specific items- usually heirloom toys. Rocking horse, wooden train set, play kitchen, waldorf baby doll, etc. The bigger ticket items

Is there a local toy store you love? Send them there.

Good Luck!

[NoHiddenFees]

AutumnWind:

I completely agreed with your point, but ended up sounding snippy (sorry about that)... weekend spent with MIL has left me a bit thin skinned and lacking in tact if you know what I mean.

[AutumnWind]

ohmyg-- I know EXACTLY what you mean.

My skin's just about transparent when I've spent a weekend with mine.

[laralou]

Since your baby isn't here yet, why don't you tell them what you are willing to have them buy. If they are like my parents, they will buy no matter what, so without *clear* guidelines they would buy them a lot of trash. If you say, "Look, here is what I do want: slings, cloth diapers, organic cotton clothes, all natural toys- and here are the places that sell them" then you are more likely to get what you want. Tell them you know that they want their gift to be of good use so you want them to know something you'll really use rather than "wasting" their money on things you'd rather not have.

That said, I second the "never say never" rule- with the twins I have had to eat a lot of my words. Sigh...

[AutumnWind]

I think sometimes it's helpful for the husband to tell his parents what sorts of things would be useful, and what sorts of things would NOT be useful & are likely to be a waste of money. Seems like ILs take things better when it comes from their own kid. The other thing is, you could get the receipts and just take the stuff back. People might get the idea more clearly after they see that you indeed will take back gifts that don't go along with the lifestyle you want for your family.

[galadriel]

Hey everybody, thanks for the suggestions. I KNOW AP and plastic stuff, whatever are generally considered separate issues; I should have put more thought into my original post. I should have called it "plastic crap and in-laws". I am committed to not buying hardly any plastic stuff, and that's an ecological choice, which is pretty much inextricable from parenting in my mind. I realize this isn't the case for everyone. But then, what do I know, I'm just a naive bumpkin who hasn't given birth yet! :

I would never say "never"; I could become disabled and unable to lift my children, or something like that. In which case I would have to make some compromises.

I didn't really want any advice, anyway; mostly, I was just looking for some empathy from those who had been in a similar situation. Sorry I wasn't more clear.

[beanzer]

For what it's worth, ubertulip, I think you're making fantastic choices and I applaud you. The planet can use a few more tulips like you

In terms of handling other people's criticisms, especially those ole inlaws, there is not much that you can do, in my experience. I like the advice about being really specific - I want cloth diapers and here is where you can get them - but be prepared to get ignored. I STILL have newborn Pamper's Swaddlers sitting in my closet because my IL's were just convinced that I would give up on that silly cloth diaper thing .....: I have asked for a baby back pack (didn't get it), organic clothes (didn't get them), organic baby food (got one pathetic jar), baby sling (didn't get it) - I ended up buying all that stuff myself. And it's not that my IL's are evil or nasty people - they truly can not understand why I want to do the things I do.

Last week, my mother in law brought me a SWIFFER WET JET, to help me make cleanups easier. A Swiffer!! A plastic mop with cloths that you throw out after one use...



I think we are so far away from how most people live their lives, that, try as they might, they just don't get it. But their hearts are usually in the right place, and that's what is worth remembering.

[galadriel]

Thanks, Beanzer, I totally agree with you. MY MIL bought me a swiffer, too!! I told her thank you, but I'd really prefer an ordinary mop, so she bought me one!! (She loved the Swiffer, and kept it for herself.)

Maybe sometimes the challenge is being vocal about what you want, even if people will think you're weird.

I haven't gotten anything I asked for, in terms of baby stuff; I sent everybody links and everything. I guess it's just outside of their comfort zone. It's true, their hearts are in the right place, and it's important to remember. Actually, that's what makes it so tough-- because their intentions are good!

[sunmountain]

Ubertulip, I pmed you.