(x-post) In the closet homebirth

[oregongirlie]

Well, we don't want to give birth in the closet, but we're finding there are very, very few people we can talk to about it. One of the first conversations my mom tried to have with me after we announced our pregnancy was, "Just promise me right now you'll have it in a hospital." I said, "I'm not going to discuss it with you." "What do you mean, you're not going to discuss it!" "My prenatal care and delivery are not up for discussion."

Soooooo, now I've decided on two awesome CNMs who are all but UC friendly and I'm totally happy with my decision. Here's my question: Do I come out of the closet with everyone and just live with disapproval and try to be a good homebirth activist? Do I keep it to myself and only share with people who I know are supportive of my choice?

[milk_maker]

Very few people were supportive of me when I announced I would be birthing at home. My family was very against it, thought I was crazy, and tried to talk me out of it. My parents came to visit the day I had the baby (they lived an 8 hour drive from me) and ever since then they have been homebirth advocates.

Some of my friends, who thought I was a freak, were bragging about me to their coworkers and friends.

I created a lot of homebirth advocates!

[LoveChild421]

I only shared the news with family and friends I knew would be supportive or at least not negative about it. I didn't want to deal with the stress of all these people (my mom included) freaking out and trying to freak me out. My mom was quite surprised when I called her and told her to come over and see the baby- but she didn't give me any crap about it- she was just so excited to see her grandson.

[mama_at_home]

I put off telling people as long as I could, being very vague about our plans, etc. I think I only told people when they flat out asked. To this day my dad still does not know the twins were born at home because he never asked. He just assumed they were born at a hospital I guess. I was VERY shocked when my mom didn't try to talk me out of it when she found out. She may have been scared to death on the inside but she never showed it, which I appreciate. I was very careful who I told about our homebirth plans because I didn't want to deal with any negativity but I also didn't want any well-meaning people calling an ambulance and ruining my birth experience. My personal advice would be to share your plans only with people you know will support you and just be very vague about your plans with those that ask. After the birth you can share it with everyone, but you don't need that negativity right now.

[Attached@TheHippie]

Im in the same situation right now. Im due in a few weeks and my mom still thinks Im having the baby in the hospital. I have told her we have a homebirth midwife who does my prenatal care at our house and the first thing she said was 'well... she knows you want an epidural, right???' She seems very concerned about me being in too much pain. I told her that we will go to the hospital if we need to. SO.. she just assumes that I will be in so much pain that I will need to. She keeps talking about when she's going to come to the hosptial and see me and the new babe. And what she's gonna do for me when I get home from the hospital. I just dont say anything.

But, besides her, we havent really told anyone except for a few close friends that are supportive. I dont know what I would say if someone came out and specifically asked me. I dont feel like defending myself.

BUT.. I am planning on making birth announcements with 'Born At Home' on them and sending them to everyone we know!!! I dont mind telling them after the fact. I guess I just dont want to hear everyone opinions and horror stories.

If you do decide to tell people (which most people dont even ask.. they just assume you go to the hospital for appointments and such) I would make sure you are armed with good info. Most people just dont know much about birth, and they are just trying to look out for your best interest.

[Peppamint]

It really depends on how you feel emotionally. I was a little more selective last time, but still told a lot of people. I think everyone knows this baby will be born at home- the fact that I've already had one homebirth and my letters to the editor regarding legislation for midwives in our state kinda gives that away.

IF you feel like you want to be more private about your choice, you can wait until after baby is born and then make born at home birth announcements.

[~*~MamaJava~*~]

Just lurking around here (not pg yet) and thinking I'm going to be in this situation next time! I really want a homebirth for the next one, and DH is pretty much convinced he's OK with it. I will tell my mom, and I think she'll get over it, but I don't want to tell my inlaws, or even a lot of my 'friends' because they'll lose it. So I think we'll just keep in 'in the closet', lol.

[honeybee]

We told my mom and her side of the family, as well as friends and coworkers if it came up. I knew my mom would be fine with it, and didn't really care what acquaintances thought. Most people were intrigued. We really didn't get any horrible reactions.

However, we waited until the last minute to tell my dad and the ILs. They are chronic worriers. I was sure MIL would rant and rave and throw a gasket. We told them around 38 weeks. It went so much better than I ever expected. My dad may have wigged out privately, but he was supportive. MIL managed to control her initial knee-jerk reaction, and asked some questions. We actually had a good conversation, so much so that I invited her to the birth to help with ds (she didn't want to see "too much", lol!).

MIL was very excited to get to see her new grandson just after his birth, and was really impressed with our mw. She was also a big help with ds1, staying to play with him so dh, baby, and I could rest. So, for us, telling ended up working out well.

[~~Mama2B~~]

I'm in the same boat, ~*~MamaJava~*~

We're ttc and my friends and family are either convinced I'm crazy or just talking nonsense. I want to do my own prenatal care. I want a UC homebirth, with no drugs. I want to breastfeed exclusively, and wean em when they're ready. I want to listen to them, hold them and sleep by them. Why does that sound crazy?

I believe that if God designed my body to create a little person with no help from anyone else, He can give me that baby with no help from anyone else.

My mom thinks I'm going thru some sort of fad. She has told me she knows I'll "change my tune" as soon as the next fad comes along. She's in for a surprise.

Some of my friends-- mostly mama friends-- have really expressed concern, fear and anger with my decisions. One said, "prenatal care (meaning, with an ob-gyn) isn't just a good suggestion- it's a MUST." Another said if my baby dies it will be my fault for not going to a hospital. The list goes on. Now I wish I hadn't told anyone!

We're moving in month and a half to CA and when we do, my lips are sealed. I think only 4 or 5 people there know about it and that's how it will stay! I'll tell those who will support me and those who don't can mind their own business!

Kristi

[CrunchyKat]

Originally Posted by ~*~MamaJava~*~

Just lurking around here (not pg yet) and thinking I'm going to be in this situation next time! I really want a homebirth for the next one, and DH is pretty much convinced he's OK with it. I will tell my mom, and I think she'll get over it, but I don't want to tell my inlaws, or even a lot of my 'friends' because they'll lose it. So I think we'll just keep in 'in the closet', lol.

I experienced this exact situation. Coming from someone who was DEALTHY afraid of needles or pain, my anxiety was out of this world. When I became preg, my first instict was to have a elective cs. I was convinced that this was the "easy way out" because of what my SIL and MIL told me. When I finally started doing my own research and realized that I am 100% woman and if every other woman out there can do this, so can I, they FREAKED. I immediatly started practicing Hypnosis and beat my anxiety within a few months. By my Glucose blood test, I was completely calm and relaxed. So when my hubby finally told them that I was planning on a HB/WB with a MW, they were in complete disagreement. His entire family went bisurk, convinced that my decision was unsafe, unhealthy, ignorant, and juvenile. I immediatly became isolated from the IL's and was no longer welcome at his family functions. The isolation and unacceptedness continues. And to be honest, my husband wasn't completely confident about my choice either, but he knew that I would do what's best. On the other hand, my family was still nervous, but they trusted and respected my decision. My friends thought I was crazy. But now I realize the people that mean the most to me now, are the people who accepted my decision and people who agree and live the way I do, people alot like you guys! In the end, I had a great birth experiece. I ended up having an attempted HB/WB-hospital transfer. And I plan on having a HB/WB in the furture! One of the main reasons I wanted a HB was so I could be in the comfort of my own home, with my own stuff, my cats, my comfort zone. I wanted to be alone, besides my MW's, Husband, and my mother. I didn't want all of my IL's (they like to make hospital births a family affair, with over 30 people in the waiting rooms) or the rest of my family there to stress me out or contribute to any anxiety I still had. YES, I may have offended people, YES, I may never have a relationship with my IL's again, YES, I may be thought of as "crazy". But you know what? I DON'T CARE. I have a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl and I had the birth experiece that I wanted and that I chose. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Mom2Adam]

I am not telling my family! My mom, in particular, is very negative and will immediately have something to say (probably along the lines of..."if something happens to the baby - it will be your fault" blah blah blah.

DH and I feel strongely about our decision. We are confident in our midwife. Our baby is healthy, I am healthy. We have emergency back-up plan. My first labor was quick and uneventful (except for some medwife intervention in the hospital!). Yet, I can't even begin to explain this stuff to her because she won't listen (believe me, I know!).

A lot of my parenting has freaked her out and she still makes comments on co-sleeping and extended nursing. I CAN'T have that negativity surrounding my birth! So, I will call her when baby is here - invite her to come see baby and if she wants to know more (pictures etc) she can.

Honestly, I have some feelings of mourning that there isn't a better relationship there - but I have to do what is right for my immediate family right now and for my psyche. KWIM?

Traci

[gnutter]

THis is our second homebirth and I still have people trying to get me to change my mind. I am almost 8 months pg and one of my friends keeps trying to get me to go to her OB. I just consider it well meaning worry and leave it at that. My mom seems to be ok with it this time though and dh is totally up for it. Just keep it to yourself if you need to-especially the first time you don't need people undermining your confidence.

gretchen

[Guest*]

While I didn't get any "Oh, how wonderful! What a great decision, Janna!"s from friends and family, they didn't give me much crap about it either because I didn't take it. I didn't allow any discussions unless they were sincere questions. Also, I didn't want to keep it to myself. I was very proud of my decision and wanted to share it with anyone who would listen whether they agreed with it or not.

[Belle]

We're not pg yet but we're trying to get our family prepared in advance for a home birth. I've mentioned to several family members that our next baby will be born "out of the hospital"

Based on their inital reaction, then we decide whether or not to tell them we're having a home birth. My SIL freaked when we told her that so we made some vague comments about there being a lot of birth centers in Portland.

My MIL so far has been the most supportive. Her younger brother was born at home on their family farm in Kansas and she was present at the time.

[1stTimeMummytoLore]

Our family has been tricky too. I am of the mind that you should protect your emotional well-being during pregnancy and not expose yourself to too much negativity especially from folks who are woefully uneducated about homebirth. My ILs know we're having twins at this point, but not that we're homebirthing. We just never mentioned it and I'm sure they've assumed we're birthing in a hospital. They live way out of state so it's been pretty easy to deal with them this way.

My parents on the other hand, who live about 30 miles away, know we're planning a homebirth, but don't know about the twins yet. I have been talking homebirth since about 3 days postpartum with my DD so they knew it was coming. My mom said "I'm sure you could have a perfectly lovely experience in the hospital again, but it's your decision." and left it at that (I have plenty of complaints about our "hospital experience" but whatever!). My dad however is totally freaked out and although he's been good about not talking to me about it, he bugs my mom constantly. So I am concerned that telling them about the twins will push him over the edge so to speak. I'm thinking maybe we'll tell them in my last month or something like that.

[jrose_lee]

We decided not to tell our family. We knew for sure they would disaprove and be worried because they are not aware of the facts of homebirth safety. We had our ds in Jan and I will never regret not telling them. We told them afterwards (and we could exclaim over the fact that it was wonderful and perfect). The fact is...who can dwell on your birth choices when there is such an adorable bundle to love...Most people would get over it fast if that's your choice

[grace's voice]

Last time I begrudgingly tolerated the disapproval, this time I'm camping in the closet! I find the closet to be far more cozy myself.

[Peppamint]

I was giggling to myself this morning because the midwife situation here in IN isn't good right now and a local midwife is being prosecuted. Awhile back I said if for some reason my midwife couldn't be here I'd hide in the closet to give birth UC before I'd go through a hospital birth again.

So when dh uses my 'puter to check his email and my Google Talk pops up with an email update saying "(x-post) In the closet homebirth" well, what do you think goes through my poor dh's head?

[lillake]

I'm planning an UC homebirth and I'm hiding in the closet where it's nice and safe.: I have this sinking feeling that were I to tell my mom she might move in and I don't want her near my neighborhood. LOL My inlaws, well they'd more than likely camp out on my front porch with their cell phones ready to call 911 if they hear the slightest noise. It's fun to be the crazy lady of the family.

[ecoteat]

All your comments make me realize how lucky I am. There was never an issue with my family or anyone else we've told our plans to (which is just about everyone). I think our families realized a long time ago that we don't do ANYTHING conventionally. We are the hippie freaks that escaped from the rust belt to start from scratch in rural coastal Maine, after all. I'm also lucky to live in a state where midwives and homebirths are completely accepted. My husband didn't even know there were states where that wasn't the case until our last MW appointment! He was shocked and horrified! On the peninsula where I live, most people that I associate with consider homebirth as much as an option as the hospital. In between the old-school conservative Mainers there are tons of crunchy back-to-the-landers and LOTS of homebirths!