Disciplining a gifted child: is it different for them?

[kindacrunchy]

My son is 3 yo and is extremely bright. My hubby and I have been having some issues disciplining him and have been wondering if we have to discipline him differently than others. He is not an out of control child but there are certain things and certain times where we are stumped on what to do. Sometimes I think we expect too much because he is so verbal and has such good comprehension. Maybe we treat him like he is older but in reality he is only 3. It's like he has the capabilities of a 6 year old in some instances and of a 3 year old in other instances and of a 6 year old mixed with a 3 year old in other instances. Does that make sense?
We have been reading a lot of parenting books lately and he just seems to be the exception when they talk about his age range.
Can anyone else relate?

[Finch]

Well, I *was* a gifted child, but don't remember much about the whole 3 year old experience. I honestly think you just stick with time outs and stuff for the most part. My sister and I (both gifted) got really creative when we had to go to our rooms for punishment, so my parents finally got wise and took away all our toys and stuff when they did it.

The worst, most effective punishment my parents EVER inflicted was making my sister and I write lines, 500 each, for getting into a fight. The kicker that made it so danged awful was we had to stay in the same room together and neither of us could leave until we were both finished. Man, did that suck.

[Shiloh]

lol I was gifted too boredom is the worst punishment for a gifted kid!

but realise he's still emmotionally 3, even if intellectually older.
Books on behavior work well, I got a book on body language to help my dd at that age get over her need to cross her arms, and do other posturing that drove me batty!

[allgirls]

I don't do punishment, just causes sneaking around in my opinion.

I have found that because understanding is high that explanations, how it makes others feel etc have worked quite well. But you better have good reasons. Because they have their own reasons for doing things that are quite logical.

And yes emotionally they are still 3...so they may react with typical 3 year behaviour even though they seem older..also expect typical 3 year old impulse control..knowing right from wrong and doing right is a struggle for many adults so don't expect it always from a 3 year old.

Explain, redirect, explain some more

and I think you may as well forget obedience...these kids are generally too intense to blindly follow...they have a mind of their own...their questions are not sassiness, just serious inquiries as to why or why not. Treat them as such and things will go more smoothly.

That's all I got..it's still early on in the journey for me...plus I only know what works for my child.

Good luck

[SunRayeMomi]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

lol I was gifted too boredom is the worst punishment for a gifted kid!

but realise he's still emmotionally 3, even if intellectually older.
Books on behavior work well, I got a book on body language to help my dd at that age get over her need to cross her arms, and do other posturing that drove me batty!

:

[loraxc]

*

[Noodlesmom4]

With my oldest dd I have always had difficulty remembering that while she is advanced intellectually & interacts very well socially, emotionally she is only her physical age. Her life experience and reactions to real life situations are closer to her emotional age than her intellectual age. My mantra has become "she is only (current age)" Making a point of verbally reminding myself & others that she is only eight years old on a regular basis has helped us and family members who frequently forget that she is still a child. She needs the same boundaries that any child her age craves. A little extra time spent explaining the potential consequences of her actions does help, but when it comes down to it we discipline her according to her emotional age rather than her intellectual age.

[catgirl]

I was just reading about this the other day - yeah, just because they can reason well verbally doesn't mean that they are receptive to it. They're still 3, ego-centered and all that. The book suggested role play as a way to help them really understand, rather than just understand the words. I think it was caled "Enjoy Your Gifted CHild".

And yes, they are VERY intense and determined, and seem to think they're adults! In fact, I remember feeling that way myself.

[TEAK's Mom]

In a word, yes. They are different.

Personally, I don't do punishment, but I do do a lot of explaining and discussing. My dds do much better if they understand the reasons for things. They also remind me if I am not doing something right.

It is hard because it is so easy to expect too much.

[Girl Named Sandoz]

Originally Posted by TEAK's Mom

In a word, yes. They are different.

Personally, I don't do punishment, but I do do a lot of explaining and discussing. My dds do much better if they understand the reasons for things. They also remind me if I am not doing something right.

It is hard because it is so easy to expect too much.

Yes, I agree with this. The things that work best for my ds are explaining and modelling behaviour.

[mamaduck]

I have to agree with the boredom thing. With my gifted child, my motto has been that a busy child is a well behaved child. He needs to be constantly working on something and learning something. If he is causing trouble, it means that he needs to be engaged.

[Fiddlemom]

when our oldest (now 5) was 3, it was immensely difficult for the reasons you describe. And I was always making the mistake of responding to him like he was older. the term "Asynchronous development" helped me a lot.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by TEAK's Mom

In a word, yes. They are different.

Personally, I don't do punishment, but I do do a lot of explaining and discussing. My dds do much better if they understand the reasons for things. They also remind me if I am not doing something right.

It is hard because it is so easy to expect too much.

That's exactly it. My kids don't do *anything* I tell them without understanding it. That' it & that's all. You can't threaten or "because I say so" them. They MUST comprehend. But when they do it's smooth sailing. But if they don't "get it" they are going to do exactly what they want to, because it's what they "do get." Lots of explaning & talking, which is contrary to how I was raised..."don't question authority!" It took me a while to realize this is a much better way. And modeling is a must, I have to be very careful...

[eilonwy]

The big problems I have with discipline and BeanBean are with other people expecting too much of him because he does sound and act like a much older child. FIL, for example; when I remind him that Bean is three, he says things like, "But he's so much older than his age." I have to say, "No, he's really three years old, and right now he's acting like a three year old and there's nothing wrong with that." When I treat him like a three year old who understands and wants more detailed explanations, Bean does very well. Oh, and when his anemia is under control, his behavior is much, much easier to deal with.

[AmyAngel]

I think what allgirls said—"their questions are not sassiness, just serious inquiries as to why or why not. Treat them as such and things will go more smoothly."—is very, very important to remember. My mom NEVER got that. I used to get spanked for correcting my mother when she told me something that I knew was incorrect, or for trying to get her to explain WHY she did or didn't want me to do something. Also, (and this is probably more important later on) if you discipline because you are angry, or have a rule that is in any way arbitrary, he WILL figure it out, and probably won't follow the rule.

I would recommend trying not to have power struggles - when he's older those may become a challenge! My mom used to come up with random "punishments" totally unrelated to the issue at hand, and we always got around them. She'd rig the cable so she could unhook it from outside, so she could "take the tv away" while she was gone. 2 minutes after she left we figured out how to turn it back on. Another time she did the same and locked it with a combination lock. It took only 2 tries to find the combination and unlock it.

I think parenting gifted kids must be very challenging. My mom used to threaten to leave and never come back all the time! (So often that we knew she was lying and quit taking her seriously, actually.) I wish that she'd tried to understand the way I think, and understood that I may do things differently than she would do them. I would think I was doing what she told me to do, but because I was doing it in a different way than she would do it, I'd get punished.

She also never understood that GIFTED does not necessarily equal "gets perfect grades all the time, is outgoing, is the perfect child". I could never live up to her expectations. She didn't understand asynchronous development, or that a child can be gifted verbally and creatively but not mathematically (me) or still have a learning disability (my youngest sister is probably mildly dyslexic, but never diagnosed). My middle sister reacted by becoming an overachiever, I tended to space out, daydream, and live in books. If I can't be good enough, why try?

Sorry, I rambled a bit OT there!

[RedWine]

Oy, I sure needed this thread (and this forum!). I get caught in my own "do as I say" issues because of how I was raised. My 3 1/2 year old, however, will do exactly what she wants, period. Like you all said, if she understands the whys and why nots, no problem. If she doesn't, nothing I say or do can prevent her from acting however she pleases.

i get a lot of headaches these days.

[NoHiddenFees]

DD1 can't be parented by the books; heck on more than one occasion she has sat down and skimmed through a couple of them (occasionally loooking up at me contemplatively and nodding her head).

* She goes ballistic when someone paraphrases what she's saying.
* Hates having her emotions named for her
* Talking about an upset makes it worse, as does talking about something else; she HAS to work through what's bothering her before moving on. We as parents are pretty much peripheral to the process (but still present in case she falls completely apart and needs to be held)
* she takes statements after the fact to heart and starts crying uncontrollably (i.e. when you pushed your sister off the couch, she could have been hurt); during is OK though ("please stop pushing your sister, she could get hurt")

After the fact discussions can get so intense that for a long time we had to talk in the third person about one of her stuffed animals or imaginary friends. She was OK with that; though sometimes one of her friends got very upset. We're transitioning into using a formal probelm solving process, but keeping it third person: (1) Write down the facts (each party does this); (2) define the problem (we work together on this); (3) come up with proposed solutions (each party does this); (4) evaluate solutions (together); (5) choose one (together). We're also going through a problem solving program to help with this. So far it's working and we haven't had too many major upsets. For small problems, we skip the writing down and discuss briefly.

It's a different program, but ICPS (I Can Problem Solve) in Thinking Parent, Thinking Child is similar.

[SilverWillow]

Originally Posted by NoHiddenFees

DD1 can't be parented by the books; heck on more than one occasion she has sat down and skimmed through a couple of them (occasionally loooking up at me contemplatively and nodding her head).

* She goes ballistic when someone paraphrases what she's saying.
* Hates having her emotions named for her
* Talking about an upset makes it worse, as does talking about something else; she HAS to work through what's bothering her before moving on. We as parents are pretty much peripheral to the process (but still present in case she falls completely apart and needs to be held)
.

My daughter is the same way. It's been really, really hard not being able to USE so much of the advice I read in books that I love WRT gentle discipline. With many of the phases she's gone through, nothing has worked. Nothing. Letting her work through her emotions (even rages) on her own was the only option. DD doesn't even want to be held or touched when she's upset. SHe wants me *present*, not necessarily watching her, but symbolically 'available', I guess. Breaks my heart not to be able to help her in any other way, though. Playful Parenting is one book I've gotten to 'use', although most of the info wasn't new to me. After a certain point in most situations DD is willing to accept 'playful parenting' as a sort of way out of the situation. She doesn't lose face, she doesn't have to emote in a way that embarrasses her; she just joins in the goofiness and it seems to defuse the situation. Wish I could hug her and make her feel better, but this is what works.

I do think the asynchrony plays a part. Here you have a kid who can think and talk years ahead of herself, but has the impulse control of her calendar age. She can use sophisticated language to just SLAY you, but she hasn't yet developed the empathy to know how it feels to us or where to stop. It's very hard on all of us, but it is getting better as she gets older.