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I hate having the "money talk"....

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Hate it hate it hate it.

I have to bring up child support with my ex. I believe he's working again. (he quit his job a couple years ago to stay home with his daughter and reduced his support in half.) I agreed to it b/c I felt it would be best all around. My ds was still being supported; it made it easier financially on ex and his family; and we were finally getting along and I wanted to keep that stress out. Now, that being said, from a legal standpoint, he's technically in arrears. You cant just quit your job to get out of paying support. I wouldve been within my rights to put a lien on his house; garnish any income tax refunds; etc; but I didnt for the reasons stated above.

Well, I'm pretty sure he's working f/t now. I asked him a couple of months ago if he was, he said, yes but only p/t to "make sure your fat cheque doesnt bounce". He was quite defensive about it. So, now I can never reach him at home during the day which is verrrrry strange for him. Its also just a hunch ya know. Sigh. But he's so.....crazy when it comes to money! You cant just have a normal conversation about it! He automatically gets his back up, sarcastic, just stupid and childish.

So, I've come up with an agreement that I think is fair. If I check the support guidlines, the amount he is currently paying is for someone making x dollars a year (whereas he was making xyz before) so, he can work p/t for f/t or whatever just as long as his income doesnt go above x, and if it does, than his support goes up. That does sound fair, right? I think so.
I'm not worried about him not paying - he's been very good and does have integrity that way. Its just trying to have the conversation - it'll just be the evil ex trying to take all his money again. sigh sigh sigh.

I've left him a message. Wish me luck for when he calls back.
blech. why cant this be easier?
post #2 of 16
I know what you mean. I accepted over 2 thousand less a month because we were getting along. Then I had the "talk" and was so defensive, angry and combative. We were barely making ends meet and he was bringing home over 100K a year. (he was paying more for his TWO suvs than to support his children.) He threatened to take the children away. So I went to the state, he now pays 2796.00 a month and guess what? He and I still are getting along well. It was hellish for a couple of months. I had offered a lower amount of 1500 a month, he threw it back in my face. This is the amount the state has demanded, not me. I think it helps that the state comes up with the numbers. It allows you to shrug your shoulders and say, this is what OTHERS think you should be paying, not me. My advice, just let the state take it over. The money fight will always be just that, a fight. If the state is willing to be the moderator, then why not let them?

Remember, the childsupport is not for you, it is your children's right to be supported by their NCP.
post #3 of 16
Thread Starter 
Its soooo frustrating.

Deep down I [I]know[I] I should just see a freakin lawyer already. I just hate throwing money out the window when we should be able to talk about this! He'd rather spend over $2000 for a lawyer than just talk to me. I'm reasonable! I've shown and proven that in the past! IME, lawyers just make things worse.

I wish he would realize child support is for his ds, not for me. No matter how I word it, like I wont say "my cheque" but "ds name cheque".

Aaacckkk!

Okay. I think I'm getting all my anger and anxiety out by typing this out. Thank you, it'll help when I do try and talk to him.
I think I'll give it a go, and if he's snotty and unagreeable to anything I say, then I'll stop wasting my time and call my lawyer. Its the best I can do, right?

Sigh. Off to find something to sell to pay for retainer......
post #4 of 16
Thread Starter 
booby, something you said led to an epiphany.....

its my childs [I]right[I], you are sooo right! I knew that before but it didnt sink in before. I'm fighting for my childs rights to be supported by his parent. That totally changes the way I look at things.

Thank you!

I feel much better now!
Thank you thank you thank you.....
post #5 of 16
I'd find out if your state/county offers help with child support payments. We can ask for our situation to be evaluated for free every three years were I was divorced. They do a whole bunch of fancy calculations based on each persons income, family size, and number of children that are being supported. They inform my ex the amount he must pay.....not me! I think last time he appealed their decision four times (max allowed), and I had to pay a lawyer to attend all four hearings, so the free part didn't really work out
I think it must be frusturating to know you have given him breaks in an effort to be fair, and he is now unwilling to to be fair in return. :

Good luck~

Lynne
post #6 of 16
We are actually on the other side of this battle. My DH has been paying significantly more than we can afford so that he can pay off his arrearages. When support was set during the divorce, he was making about $15k a year more than he is now, but never went back to have it readjusted because, as he said, he was in arrearages anyway, and his ex needed the money he hadn't been able to pay.

DH spoke to his ex several weeks ago about having support readjusted since his income has decreased, his arrearages are payed off, and one of the two children are now in public school, so daycare costs have been cut in half. His ex informed him that if he tried to take "her" money away, she'd make it hell for him to see his daughters. So we're stuck. We can't afford to do fun things with them, like go to the waterpark, or on vacations, because we're paying so much in support, but if we try and get it reduced, she is threatening to take the kids away. Bear in mind that during the divorce, he granted her the tax refunds on *both* kids, as well as the high child support payments. We in no way feel that we *shouldn't* be paying support, as we love the children dearly, and are responsible for their well-being, but it's hard to hear her ask for more money when we can barely make ends meet.

Luckily (I know, it sounds horrible! ) when our little one arrives in June, support will automatically be readjusted, and the ex can not contest it.

We get along with her on most every other issue, and she has even called and asked me for advice on things for the kids. Unfortunately though, she sees support as her "right" and feels that she "earned it" by "putting up with" my DH for 3 years.

Very sad.
post #7 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
I think it must be frusturating to know you have given him breaks in an effort to be fair, and he is now unwilling to to be fair in return.
Yes! Thats exactly how I feel!

We do have an agreement in place but it states the old (higher) amount based on his income (from when he was working). So, while our province does have a free-support-getting-thing (its called maintenence enforcement) it will only enforce the original amount, which isnt what I'm looking for. And I know he'll continue to make payments and on time, it just seems like he treats them as "gifts" and that "I'm lucky" to get them, not as his obligation to his son, and not me. For instance, when he and his wife were deciding on who to stay home with the baby, he fully admits they chose him so they could "cut costs" on support. Its annoying, but I understand as I probably would have done the same. Besides, it was a win-win for everyone. They got to a better financial place, which in turn made them happy, which made ds happy, ds was still being supported, which made me happy.

But it just seems as if he's taking advantage. I dont take advantage of enforcing an out of date amount (even though I am completely within my right to do so) b/c its wrong to treat people that way. Especially people who are related to your child. Ya know?

Sehbub, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Thats nowhere near fair to you. Even though you're on the other side, I bet you feel the same way I do, right?
Its her right and she earned it? Blech. Nice attitude.
Too bad your dh wasnt my ex instead. Then we'd both be happy and treated fairly.
post #8 of 16
Shenjall, it is hard and frustrating, and heart-breaking, because I would move heaven and earth if I thought it would make things better for the girls. It kills me that they are used as middlemen between their biomom and us. She tells them to tell me that she "has" to have a certain shirt back, or that DH "has" to pay for certain things. The other weekend my almost 4 year old DSD came to me and said, "(Biomom) said you have to take me shopping for new shoes, because she doesn't have any money." It's infuriating, and makes me want to scream at biomom, and I don't want to burden DH with it, because it's heartbreaking enough for him that his babies aren't with him full-time, and he has no idea what kind of men are being brought around them by biomom.

Makes me want to hold on to them (the kids) until they leave for college. It's so hard.
post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 
Man, I HATE when kids are put in the middle. :
The only reason our kids even know what child support is is b/c dh ex took the kids to bank one day and withdrew cash. When they asked what it was for, she said, "I have to give this to your dad 'cause if I dont, he'll come and take everything out of my account and leave me with nothing".: Then drops off the kids crying. Niiiice. Or when my ex decided to write out his support cheque in front of ds, saying close to the same thing. Not, "hey, this is help pay for things that you need" or even, "none of your business", but "i'm being forced to by your other evil parent".

So, when the baby is born your dh support is automatically adjusted? Thats cool, makes sense too. I hope it helps you out.
post #10 of 16
Not exactly automatic...we will have to go to the court to petition a reduction in custody, with the reason being the birth of another child, but yeah, it can't be contested by the ex.

Luckily, the one thing the ex hasn't done is talk to the girls about the support she receives. My DH set it up to automatically come out of his paycheck, and is sent to her through the support bureau, so he never writes out a check directly to her. Then, support bureau sends us a statement every month totalling how much we owe/have payed. It was nice to watch the "arrearages" column slowly dwindle down to "0"! It's just a pain that DH has to work 80+ hours a week to pay for his kids, whom he sees 8 days a month. Magically though, they have a new pair of shoes every three weeks or so...right...'cause that's what kids need. And they're always at least a size too big so that they have "growing room" according to the ex. Then I get griped at if a sweatshirt one of the girls is wearing hits at her waist (God forbid) where it's supposed to!

I could go on for hours, but I'll spare you.
post #11 of 16
I know where the CP is coming from on the clothing issue. I have said "make sure XXX comes home" only because their nice clothes get left at their father's and they come home what amounts to rags. Certainly nothing that I would let them go to school in. I am not saying that is what happens at your house, but it does at ours.

Because you are fighting for your child's right to support. It is imperative that they get ALL they deserve. I used to feel guilty, but not now. Nothing of their support supports me in anyway. While child support does help me cover the mortgage, they live here too, they deserve a home. They deserve to ride in a safe, warm car. They deserve to have the life they would have if their parents had not split up.

After three years of driving an old beater Honda wagon (over 200K miles on it) I bought a new vehicle. And of course their father told them that "their" childsupport pays for that truck. Well, guess what, I drive them to school, soccer practice and playdates in that truck. I have never understood why we had to live in poverty when their father made over 100K a year. I was a SAHM before he decided he wanted a divorce, and I am a SAHM now. It was what WE decided was best for OUR children.

Your job as a parent is to make sure you advocate for your children. Do you best at it. Money will always be a sticky issue, you might as well make the amount worth the hassles.
post #12 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thanks ladies!

Well, that was FUN.: He said NO. That I was "generously overpaid" and I should be happy.
I couldnt get a word in - he kept cutting me off and when I stood up for myself I was apparently being "coached". Yah, maybe 10 years ago I wouldve been crying on the phone agreeing to everything but no more!

Whats really sad? Dh and I have worked hard to save up some money to insulate our basement so our kids have another living space. But now, that money has turned into our retainer.

Why cant this be easier?
Man, oh man this sucks. And the ones who pay for it? The kids.

Thanks for being here for me,
post #13 of 16
Well, go to the state, get the attorney and show him just how "overpaid" you really are.

Hugs, good luck and we are here.
post #14 of 16
I think he's a prat: and the only real option available to you is to go to the state. IT stinks that he's not taking his responsibilities to his children seriously, though.
post #15 of 16
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I say definitely go to the state and show them. They can get proof of his income, and his support has to be based on that.

As far as the clothing issue, boobybunny, I understand where she's coming from in wanting the clothes that she has kept at her home to return to her home. I have no problem with that. That's why, every other weekend when we have them, I go through all of their clothes and make sure that anything that belongs at the ex's house gets returned to her house. What irks me is when the girls get to our house on a Wednesday night, and the baby (almost 4) tells me that biomom told her she *has* to bring back xyz shirt that she wore THAT DAY. The ex has my cell phone number, my DH's cell number, and our home phone. There is absolutely no reason to use the girls as her communicators. :

Blech.
post #16 of 16
Thread Starter 
You guys make me feel so much better.
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