moms not invited to hb

[aprilushka]

I was going to stay away from birth boards until this one comes out, but I have to just post somewhere about this. My mom called me today to ask when to get a plane ticket, and I thought we had already worked out that she shouldn't come until 42 weeks so that chances are, she would be here after the birth b/c I really don't want any extra people (ie, other than DH (who won't be participating), mw and her assistant) in the house during the birth really and also prefer to have a week or so alone with baby (other than DH and DS obviously). I thought we had it clear from before, but she seemed a little taken aback and said she wasn't offended, just disappointed that I didn't want her to come as soon as 40w1d. I have a feeling that this baby will be somewhere between 40 and 41 and honestly I don't want her at the birth-- I just can't deal with having someone else there. I told her I plan to be alone most of labor (which I think I've said before) and she said she thought that was "wierd" and didn't really understand it and the only other natural birth she's witnessed (she had 2 c/s) was my brother's teenage ex-girlfriend giving birth in the hospital "needed" to have people there cooling her off, etc. I explained that my mw and the birth assistant could do any physical comfort measures I might want, but if I didn't want them, I wouldn't expect them to be in the room with me except during pushing and periodic heartbeat monitoring during first stage. I'm pretty sure I'm a cat laborer, and I know I'm not alone in that, even though culturally it's not considered totally normal, I guess.

I hate that I still feel guilty for telling her I don't want her here during that time, but at the same time I know in my heart of hearts it would be a mistake to have her here that early, and she can only be here for two weeks anyway, I can't be resenting her for the time she's here. I tried to explain all the reasons I need to be alone (I have always done better at physical things alone, for one thing), but I know she doesn't get it and there's not much else I can do to explain. I tried sort of explaining one of Odent's theories also, about not using the neocortex during labor, which is harder to do when there are people around, which only got the "you've read too many books" sort of comment.

Sigh.

Anyway, just venting.

[lilsishomemade]

Hey, I understand where you're coming from!! I felt bad about not having my mom there, so asked her to come to birth #2. Well, it was too much for her and me, and after that, I felt no guilt whatsoever about only having dh, mw and nurse at this last. Everyone pretty much left me alone except when I needed them (I needed to lean on dh pretty badly, and was having back labor that my mw worked on). It was nice to be in my own space.

[the_lissa]

I don't want my mom at my births either, and I don't feel bad for that.

[philomom]

I did not invite any family (other than dh) to my births. Do not have any guilt about what you feel is best for you!

[TurboClaudia]

is your mom the type of person who will mother you while you are mothering your new babe? or will she require "hospitality" from you and your husband? if she is the mothering type, you might think about telling her that you really, really could use the help *after* the baby is born and you know that she is best at that. if she is the second type, you might remind her that you and your husband will be devoting almost all of your time to your new baby and you're not sure how much cooking, cleaning, driving around, entertaining. maybe you can share a story of a "watched pot never boils" kind of situation that she can relate to to help illustrate why you prefer she visit after the baby is born? can't think of an example right now, though...



~claudia

[aprilushka]

Thanks for your replies. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but mothers have a way of making you feel guilty even when they're trying not to.

My mom would be "mothering" she wants to come to help, and that was one thing I explained to her-- better for her to be around a couple of weeks later, when DH will hopefully be working out of the house on a project since we need the money while I'm on leave (normally he is at home with DS) and I really will need help between new baby and DS. I know she gets that part, but she still wants to be there. I think she just has a fundamentally different concept of birthing than I do, which is another reason I don't want her there, even though she's not against the homebirth.

[ColoradoMama]

Yep, moms know exactly where our guilt buttons are! Stick to your guns - letting your mom know how much you appreciate her when she does come might help some!

I understand about not wanting her there though. I actually want my mom there, but MIL is an entirely different story. She may absolutely not be at the birth - period. Actually, she may not come until the baby is three months old! The last time they visited us, dd2 was 6 weeks old. I had serious reservations about letting them come then, but dh promised me that he would pick up the slack while they were here. Yeah, that didn't happen. They expect to be waited on the whole time they're here. So, I put my foot down and made a three month rule. I don't feel guilty about it in the slightest. My children are WAY more important than MIL. Okay, so my story probably doesn't help - but venting made me feel better!

[rozzie'sma]

It's hard to tell moms no. My mom always tries to make it into a rejection of her, rather than what it is; an affiirmation of MY needs

[KBinSATX]

I think her not understanding/respecting your choices is actually a pretty indicator that you were right!
I initiallty had demanded a 6 weeks postnatal stay-away-from-us period for ILs and my parents but I am easing off a bit and letting ILs come for brief visit at the 2 week mark. And they will have to stay at a hotel ( we are paying for it) because they are driving me nuts when they are here.
My parents will come in the fall when baby is more 'portable' and I am better able to cope with them. They would fly in from Europe so would stay for quite a while...
Other than that I want to be left alone. Sorry but this is my time with baby. I am not going to make myself miserable just to make them feel better.

[Ruthla]

If I ever have more children, I'm going to want to be completely alone during labor!

The birthing mama gets to pick who's at the birth. At any point, she may revoke the privelidge, for no other reason than "I don't want you here right now." Anybody who can't accept that doesn't belong at somebody else's birth.

[ErinBird]

My mom offered to come around 41 weeks "to help." As much as I'd appreciate her cooking and such... she'll only cause more stress. As a compromise, I told her that the child will be Baptized when its about 4 weeks old- early to mid-October, depending on the church- and that she should come then to meet the baby.

[HomeBirthMommy]

Dh and I had a spat about something very similar today at lunch. When dd2 was born, my mom, MIL, dh, a good friend, mw and her assistant were there, along with my 2 year old. I didn't want anyone there during labor, but they were welcome during the actual birth. My good friend brought me drinks and gave me sips between contractions-never said a word, just put a straw to my lips. My mom came in once and talked during a contraction and I told her to get out. She was totally OK about it, not offended at all. Sooo last year (3 years later) MIL tells dh that she didn't think it was fair that she and my mom had to stay downstairs during labor.:

Today, I told dh that I wasn't going to have his mom there this time and he got really angry. He actually said, "You want me to be involved in this pregnancy but I don't get any say in who is there?" Ummm, YES! I feel so hurt b/c he is more worried about hurting his mother's feelings (they're not even really close) than who I want at the birth. Is he insane? Am I over-reacting?

Ahhh-it feels good to just have that off my chest.

[girlsmamma2]

This one happens one time mamma. Make it right for you and your family. Labor is hard enough without worrying about who is there. I didn't want anyone around either for my first hb. I hardly wanted grandma there to take care of dd but had no choice! I was silently relieved when grandpa said he wouldn't stay. He came back the next couple of days. I also wanted to be alone with the baby right afterwards. While i was grateful for the help, it was confusing dd as grandma was always trying to distract her by taking her away from me when she thought I was overloaded after the birth. She meant only well, but it confused dd and made her upset. I felt bad, but i told dh after a couple days i was ready for her to go home because i thought it would help our first dd adjust. She did and it really, really helped dd. She was a part of things and could decided when and if she wanted a break.

I think it depends on your perspective. This time I don't mind if they are both there. I think it would be a gift for them and I'm not going to try to micromanage everything as that for me is stressful in itself. Also i'm on the border of risking out of hb, so to me, at this point that is my ONLY concern. I WISH that was all I was thinking about kwim?!!! I wouldnt care if the whole damn block was there, just don't send me to the hospital.

But as for your mother, life is full of disappointments and she raised you so should know how you came to that decision. It's something that is important to you and she'll just have to understand. Maybe just be honest and don't worry about the timing and tell her that you want time to bond with the baby. could she understand that? You might try sucking it up and just saying it so things would be clear and you don't have that extra stress in your mind.

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by HomeBirthMommy

Is he insane?

Yes, definitely sounds like it!
Sorry. I am just so glad DH and I are on the same page in regards to parents...

[oregongirlie]

Can I ask whether you knew you were a cat laborer before you had your first child? I don't have any kids yet, but I have a very, very strong instinct that this is something I do as uninterrupted as possible. My mom's not allowed on the plane until the baby is born. Nobody's welcome and I don't feel bad about that. Do what you need to do for you and it will benefit your child.

[jcchirib]

"cat laborer"! that's so funny! and that's exactly what I am! I didn't know with my first birth that I wouldn't want anyone around...until I kicked out the midwife and dh from the second floor of our house...and told other family members (my parents and his parents) to just leave the food on the porch and go away, thank you (nice, no?) if i could have crammed myself into a dark closet with a pile of soft blankets I would have. our families have a good sense of humor, though, and still chuckle about the whole thing. With my second labor I didn't even tell my husband until I absolutely had to (night labor both times), and I knew in advance that I would only want the midwife and dh around. our families came right over once the baby was born, which was o.k. with me.

I really like the approach of asking for "mothering" for some time after the birth--it can be so very nice to have all the support you can get postpartum, and it's an upbeat way of protecting your private space during labor.

I will be thinking peaceful, quiet cat thoughts for your birth!

[myhoneyswife]

I can totally relate This is my first birth coming up in the fall, and it's been made very clear that noone will be visiting. MIL maybe when the baby is 2 YEARS and my parents when the baby is at least 6 weeks, and they're staying in the only hotel in town and it is 15 minutes away. Sorry, I don't really want my dad around while I'm trying to figure out breastfeeding! I've become a total stink head about this, but I just have to know that I'm not going to have to fight with well meaning people during labor, birth, and immediately post pardum. I'm not even allowing a midwife to be here! Very private.

I have gotten flak from people, 'oh, that's not how it is, you'll want people there' No, I will not want people there. I want DH, and that's it. YOU might have wanted people there, but I am a very different person than you and I know I'm not going to be wanting a bunch of people staring at my butt waiting for a baby, or advising me to go to the hospital. I get so annoyed when people try to tell me what it's like. Feisty is what my husband calls me. I used to be all mild mannered, but I'll rip people's heads off now. I just don't care about offending people at all any more. It's freeing.

Cara

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by myhoneyswife

I have gotten flak from people, 'oh, that's not how it is, you'll want people there' No, I will not want people there. I want DH, and that's it. YOU might have wanted people there, but I am a very different person than you and I know I'm not going to be wanting a bunch of people staring at my butt waiting for a baby,

Heehee, That's funny. I feel exactly the same. I don't want people around on a day when NOTHING is happening. I certainly don't want people around when I am giving birth. The MW and DH will be a crowd already. People kept trying to talk me into getting a Doula and I just really don't want another person there...

[aprilushka]

I think there are a lot of cat laborers, it's just that it's not considered the norm b/c in the system they just won't leave you alone.

I went through the system last time (inducement after 24 hrs SROM, followed by "non-reassuring" heartrate and c/s) and realized that really what I needed was to be left alone to do my thing. I thought I would be at the hospital, but just didn't understand how the system worked and the SROM put the system against me doing that. A big plus for me hb-'ing is to be left alone, which is something I tried to convey to my mom, but she doesn't like to be alone, so I think it's hard for her to get. Having had a pregnancy free of medical interference has been worth planning a hb even if I end up with a (hopefully truly necessary) c/s again.

Last time the birth was everything I didn't want, this time I have the chance (though no guarantee) to have things the way I want them to be, and at least during early to mid labor that's almost 100% guaranteed to happen, so I really can't let anyone mess that up, including mom.

I still feel a tiny bit guilty, but I and she will get over it. Thanks for all your thoughts!

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by oregongirlie

Can I ask whether you knew you were a cat laborer before you had your first child? I don't have any kids yet, but I have a very, very strong instinct that this is something I do as uninterrupted as possible. My mom's not allowed on the plane until the baby is born. Nobody's welcome and I don't feel bad about that. Do what you need to do for you and it will benefit your child.

I'm not even pregnant and I know I'm a cat birther at heart.