I feel like a failure, but I want to share

[ellie_may12]

After going rounds with the dr for several months now and trying to find a new "crunchy" provider (the midwives won't take me because of my high risk pregnancy), DH and I are consenting to have the c-section. My fluid level has dropped to a 6 and the dr has really urged us to go ahead and have this baby. The dr said that if my fluid level goes below 5 it could cause a prolapsed cord.

My cervix is still closed and hard. I'm having very few ctx a day, so I'm not making any progress even with DTD, walking, EPO and RRL tea.

I'm scared, because this isn't what I planned for my child and I have never been in a hospital.

I really only want a healthy baby, so if this is what has to happen, then so be it.

It will happen tomorrow morning. I am still insisting that she not be taken from DH or my sight at anytime and we will be BFing in the recovery room.

Please pray for us. Thanks.

[InochiZo]

I know how you feel. You are not a failure but sometimes things just don't go as we plan whether its a vaginal birth or c/s. Those things you requested should be no problem. At least they seemed standard protocol at my hospital. I nursed in recovery. There was no actual support and I couldn't move my legs but nursing got off to a great start there.

[USAmma]

Hi Lori Ann,

I don't know your story but I had to respond. You need to trust in your body and your intuition about this birth. Only you know what you want and what is best for you. Do not let anyone pressure you into anything. You will go into labor when it's the right time.

I had prodromal labor with my dd2 for weeks, and that was after being on bedrest from 23 weeks, and it was mentally exhausting. I was not able to be patient and I took some herbs and did other things to augment labor. Not sure if those things worked or if it was just coincidence but my baby came two weeks early. While she was healthy, she still had some vernix on her and she ended up not eating well and having severe reflux issues. While she probably would have had the reflux anyway, I often wonder if it would have been better to have her grow and mature for those extra two weeks and maybe that would have downgraded her reflux to moderate, instead of severe. She ended up needing a feeding tube which she still has at 2 years old.

One thing I learned through my hospital birth is that you are in charge. They may try to make you think they are, but YOU are in charge. You can tell them no. You can maybe wait 2-3 more days and see if you feel that you want to. I had an epidural by choice but other than that I made sure, and I surrounded myself with some friends who also made sure, that they followed my wishes even though many were unconventional. When the doctor wanted to break my water early I said no. The doctor was at the end of his shift and impatient but he honored my request. When the nurse wanted to give me pit after the birth as is routinely done, I said no. She said it was to prevent hemmorage. I never hemmoraged and actually had less bleeding than normal.

Please, if you feel that this is best because something in your heart says it is, than go ahead and do it. But if you feel any hesitation, then wait. Learn to listen to your heart and your body.

[Daisie125]

Oh, Lori! I am SO sorry! I know how much you wanted to let her come on her own.

I know you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't feel it was the right thing to do at this point.

I do want to ask, if they are going to do the c-section anyway, why don't they go ahead and soften your cervix overnight and start you on pit in the morning? I mean, if it doesn't work you can always go in for the cesarian. I'm sure you've probably already talked about it with your doc, I just wanted to remind you that it should be an option.

Between now and the morning though, I may try some of the more "drastic" ways of getting things going... just in case. (For instance, in one of my L&D books, not sure which one it says that nipple stimulation using a double electric pump will cause labor in the same ammount of time as a pit drip.)

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Just stand your ground, and don't let them take her from you, and your BF relationship will be just fine, we will all be here to help and support you when you get home.

[RedOakMomma]

honey, it sounds like deep down you want to go with the c-section. That's okay!! If your inner mama is saying "get the c-section," then do it. If your inner mama is saying "wait," then wait.

Whatever your choice, especially if you're going with the c-section, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT!! You were exactly right when you said what you want is a healthy baby....if that's your priority, as well it should be, then take the path you feel is best and let go of any pressures or expectations you had for what the birth "should" be like.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing, you could do at this point to be a failure. You've nourished and grown a healthy, lovely baby. You've protected that baby, guarded that baby, and taken care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don't start talking failure. You've been a stellar mother for hundreds of days and thousands of hours already...a few hours that go "off path" of your ideals (labor and delivery hours) do not make you a failure.

Let yourself off the hook. Nothing in parenthood goes exactly as planned, starting now.

Best wishes and happiness to you tomorrow! You'll be meeting your baby!

[honeybee]

Oh, Ellie, I'm sorry! You are not a failure. You have tried everything and done all that you can. I hope you have the best experience possible tomorrow, and a beautiful, healthy baby.

[Cedarmom]

Oh Lori.
i'm so sorry. I know a bit how you feel as I consented to induction after my BP skyrocketed when I'd fought my doc for a couple of weeks on the induction issue.

You are not a failure. Prayers are definitely going up for an easy delivery and a healthy baby girl.

[ellie_may12]

Thank you, ladies, so much! You have been so supportive through all this. Your responses have me in tears!

My inner mama is saying to do the c/s and while it isn't what I really wanted, I do have a peace about it now.

We discussed the cervix softening stuff and then pit. but he said that my cervix is just not right for it and I will probably end up with a section anyway. He doesn't want to put me through that. DH and I spent about 5 hours doing nipple stim the other night...we didn't have an electric pump so we used two manual ones. I did end up having lots of ctx, but nothing strong enough to bring on labor, or even to change my cervix.

Funny enough, today was the first time I actually had ctx on my NSTs, but they weren't strong or regular. I'm going to get DH to DTD and do some nipple stim again tonight just in case....

I just don't feel like telling anyone on the mainstream board at this time. I just know that I will get tons of "Congrats!" on making this decision and I really don't want to hear that. Maybe one of you would like to tell them tomorrow morning?

I will try to get someone to post for me or email someone this weekend.

Thanks again from your prayers and support!

[Daisie125]

You "sound" much more at peace with your decision in this post. I'll still keep holding some hope that the c/s threat will make your little one decide to come out on her own, though

I hope you have the most wonderful birthing experience you can possibly have.

If I'm still around (hey, I can hope I'm off having my own baby tomorrow! ) I will make a post in the morning if someone doesn't beat me to it

You get to meet your beautiful little girl tomorrow! Twenty years from now she won't care how she was born, just that she had an awesome mom growing up

[Phoenix_Mommy_4]

I hear ya hun..I was in the same boat, not for the same reasons...but the same place. stay true to you even in a section and make sure you get everything you need/want. you are in charge! youe in my thoughts.
hugs
Phoenix

[Phoenix_Mommy_4]

I hear ya hun..I was in the same boat, not for the same reasons...but the same place. stay true to you even in a section and make sure you get everything you need/want. you are in charge! youe in my thoughts.
hugs
Phoenix

[Mewsin]

I'm sorry it ended up like this, but you will get to meet your healthy baby girl tomorrow and that counts for a lot. Make sure you get lots of rest and remember you're still in control.

I've never had a c-section so I can't offer any advice, but I hope your dh can stick around with you to help you lift Elizabeth and change her and such.

Good luck tomorrow

[corhorvath]

Good luck with everything. I know it's so hard to make these decisions when you have such a strong background of knowledge, intuition, and desires. When the doctor tells you it's for the best of your baby, it's very hard to go in another direction. I wish you all the best and hope that no matter what type of birth that, you and your baby are healthy.

[Mariposa]

s

you are SO not a failure. you are an amazing mama that is doing what she feels is best for her baby. i know how it feels to lose the birth we wanted, but you are so right, that a healthy baby is the ultimate goal. you have done your best.

just think, you are going to meet your baby tomorrow! how exciting!

[AppleCrisp]

You are so not a failure. You have to do what is right and healthy for your baby! In some situations unfortunately a c-section is just the right choice, and it sounds like you made that right choice. I'm glad you have some measure of peace over it. Best wishes for tomorrow - you're going to meet your daughter and its going to be a wonderful day you will remember the rest of your life! I just hope for you that you and your DH are able to make your c-section a special birth even though its different than you planned. Keep us posted!!

[Birth Junky]

Awwww, sweetie . . .

I want you to know that I know exactly what you are going through. I had a c-section on the 9th, primarily because of low fluid levels (mine had dropped to a 3 the day before the operation). Baby was also breech, and I was three weeks away from my due date so there was no chance of them letting me go to term and wait for labor to start on its own.

I struggled for the whole last month of my pregnancy with the thought of a c-section, and finally was able to come to terms with it only once the fluid level had dropped so low and I realized that it was necessary for the baby's well-being. Still, I have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy/failure since the birth, and also feelings of guilt (not only was the post-partum period harder on DH than it would've been with a homebirth, but today we received a hefty bill from our midwives that will have to be paid out of pocket--if we had had our homebirth, it all would've been covered by insurance). Ultimately, though, I know that we made the only decision we could have for the baby, and I am happy to report that I am NOT dealing with depression (my big concern with the surgery).

It is hard to let go of our dream of a natural birth, regardless of the reason--even knowing that it is what is necessary for our baby doesn't lessen our own attachment to the birth process. I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time with this.

Much love to you, dear heart--you will be holding your little one soon, and that will make all the difference.

Take care, have someone post an update when they can, and we will all be here rooting for you and waiting to hear the birth announcement!