13 year old son and hair!!!!! - Page 2

[fiddlefern]

I'm a boring ol straight person, but having friends who are sexual minorities, I thought I'd give you some info:

1. gay/homosexual: You are attracted to persons of the same sex. It does not have to do with wishing/feeling you are a different gender than your physical "plumbing."

2. transgendered: you feel that the plumbing you were born with does not fit who you are (so you may have male body parts, but feel that inside you are actually female, for instance). This does not have to do with which gender you are attracted to. You might be attracted to either gender.

There are also greyer shades to this, such as people who biologically do have a bit of the other gender. Some people are actually born with the plumbing for both genders.

3. transsexual: living in a body that does not fit you has caused such emotional strife in your life, that you have gone through the expense and effort to change your physical "plumbing" with hormones and possibly surgery.

4. cross-dresser. Has nothing to do with your gender. Has nothing to do with who you are sexually attracted to. There are straight men happily married to women, who just like wearing women's clothing, for example.

p.s.- anyone who knows more about this than me can make any corrections if I haven't been completely accurate- i'm an ally but certainly not an expert

I echo the things that other posters have said. It's clear that you love your son very much, and are doing a lot of thinking because you want to be the best parent you can.

The rate of teen suicide is much higher in people who are sexual minorities, because often they don't feel they have any support system or anyone they can turn to. If your son is struggling with who he is, the most loving thing you can do is accept him for who he is, no matter how hard that may be if you've never had any experience in this realm before.

Good for you for being willing to ask hard questions, and seek answers.

[Momof4crazykids]

I think I may be playing devils Advocate here but.. he is a 14 year old boy.
Tell me the last time you went shopping when did you see male hair products and supplies for longer hair? I have never seen them ALso.. at 14 he may not realize quite how girly these items are but rather a way to get his longer hair out of his face. '

My 14 yo son wants to buy a pair of girl pants.. why?? who knows am i worried about it?? no because kids are weird remember when you were 14??
Some of the other kids at his school wear girl pants.. some of the boys I have seen use scrunchies clips and ponytails to keep their longer hair out of their face.. And I do not worry about their sexuality nor their gender identity.
I figure 14 yo kids ho are being weird.

[fiddlefern]

I see your point. This very well be a small deal, and perhaps getting so deep and specific into what if's isn't necessary.

My thought was that, in my own life, if I can look at my concerns and get more info, my worries about the "what if's" is lessened. However, I can see that perhaps getting into specifics like this would make the OP think I'm saying I think her son might be a sexual minority, which of course I have absolutely no way of knowing. No clue at all.

cbmom- I hope that an opportunity for a chat with your son will come up soon, and the air will be cleared. Sending good thoughts your way.

[AlexsMom]

12 y/o with long locks

Hi,

I have read this thread with some interest.

I guess my first reaction is,

SO WHAT?

Let your son be what he wants to be. If he is gay, so what? If he wants to dress up and pretend to be a girl, so what?

I know this post is old and the situation may already be resolved but I would like to offer my view.

First I would confront him but in the most gentle way possible. I would apologize for accidentally finding his stash. If you expect your son to be open and honest with you about what is in his mind and heart you need to be honest and open with him and admit to snooping in his room. I would then tell him he does not need to hide such things from me because I am fine with whatever he wants to do with his hair. I would encourage him to find his own way even if that meant helping him cross dress. I would offer to take him to a salon to have his hair professionally done and I would offer to buy him what hair accessories he wanted for his hair or for that matter whatever else he needed to explore his identity.

I agree that he should pay for much of this out of his own pocket. But, I would treat him as I would treat a daughter in this regard. If you would normally pay for your daughter's perm then you should be willing to pay for one for your son.

Now I feel I should tell you about my own son and his hair experiments.

My son Alex is 12 years old. He is a wonderful, intelligent beautiful child. His Father and I have from the beginning decided that our son should always choose his own path and that our role was to be his guides. Alex is well adjusted and laid back and rarely gets into any kind of trouble.

Alex also has the most incredibly gorgeous long blond hair I have ever seen on anyone male or female and I am not just saying that because I'm his Mom. He has always had very long hair and has only had it trimmed twice since birth. His hair right now is so long it reaches his knees. He is very frequently mistaken for a girl but he just does not seem to care about what other people think about his appearance. When we first registered him for school we had a little problem with the school system who thought that Alex's hair was going to be a distraction but we resolved that issue amicably and promised that his hair would always be neat and tasteful. It has been.

As a very young child he liked to play with makeup and hair accessories and we just let him play with mine. It was not unusual for him to eat dinner in pigtails in ribbons. By 8 years of age he lost interest in this. However on Halloween when he was 10 he wanted to dress up like a girl. We bought him a dress and girls shoes and took him to a salon to have his hair and nails done. When we got home and got him all dressed up he looked completely like a girl. We hugged and took some pics and his friends came by, 2 girls and 3 boys. The boys were all dressed up as girls and the girls were both dressed up like boys and the bunch of them all went off trick-or-treating. By this point his friends had already accepted our son as about the coolest kid in school so I think the other kids were copying our son's costume choice.

My son has never gone to school wearing feminine attire but since that Halloween has frequently gone to the mall with his friends dressed as a girl with his hair and nails done.

Alex has gone through every color of the rainbow for his hair. It has been black, purple, pink, green, orange and blue.

Is he gay? I think it is too early to tell for certain but I doubt it. I have caught him kissing his girlfriend on the lips more than once while dressed up as a girl. I think he just likes doing it for fun but who knows and for that matter who cares.

He knows we are OK with his choices as long as he thinks them through logically and sanely and as long as they harm no one.

We feel we are so fortunate that we have a son that has chosen cross dressing as an activity as opposed to smoking or drugs or alcohol. There are so many far worse things for a 12 or for that matter a 13 year old boy to be doing then doing his hair and dressing up as a girl.

[AlexsMom]

12 y/o with long locks

Hi,

I have read this thread with some interest.

I guess my first reaction is,

SO WHAT?

Let your son be what he wants to be. If he is gay, so what? If he wants to dress up and pretend to be a girl, so what?

I know this post is old and the situation may already be resolved but I would like to offer my view.

First I would confront him but in the most gentle way possible. I would apologize for accidentally finding his stash. If you expect your son to be open and honest with you about what is in his mind and heart you need to be honest and open with him and admit to snooping in his room. I would then tell him he does not need to hide such things from me because I am fine with whatever he wants to do with his hair. I would encourage him to find his own way even if that meant helping him cross dress. I would offer to take him to a salon to have his hair professionally done and I would offer to buy him what hair accessories he wanted for his hair or for that matter whatever else he needed to explore his identity.

I agree that he should pay for much of this out of his own pocket. But, I would treat him as I would treat a daughter in this regard. If you would normally pay for your daughter's perm then you should be willing to pay for one for your son.

Now I feel I should tell you about my own son and his hair experiments.

My son Alex is 12 years old. He is a wonderful, intelligent beautiful child. His Father and I have from the beginning decided that our son should always choose his own path and that our role was to be his guides. Alex is well adjusted and laid back and rarely gets into any kind of trouble.

Alex also has the most incredibly gorgeous long blond hair I have ever seen on anyone male or female and I am not just saying that because I'm his Mom. He has always had very long hair and has only had it trimmed twice since birth. His hair right now is so long it reaches his knees. He is very frequently mistaken for a girl but he just does not seem to care about what other people think about his appearance. When we first registered him for school we had a little problem with the school system who thought that Alex's hair was going to be a distraction but we resolved that issue amicably and promised that his hair would always be neat and tasteful. It has been.

As a very young child he liked to play with makeup and hair accessories and we just let him play with mine. It was not unusual for him to eat dinner in pigtails in ribbons. By 8 years of age he lost interest in this. However on Halloween when he was 10 he wanted to dress up like a girl. We bought him a dress and girls shoes and took him to a salon to have his hair and nails done. When we got home and got him all dressed up he looked completely like a girl. We hugged and took some pics and his friends came by, 2 girls and 3 boys. The boys were all dressed up as girls and the girls were both dressed up like boys and the bunch of them all went off trick-or-treating. By this point his friends had already accepted our son as about the coolest kid in school so I think the other kids were copying our son's costume choice.

My son has never gone to school wearing feminine attire but since that Halloween has frequently gone to the mall with his friends dressed as a girl with his hair and nails done.

Alex has gone through every color of the rainbow for his hair. It has been black, purple, pink, green, orange and blue.

Is he gay? I think it is too early to tell for certain but I doubt it. I have caught him kissing his girlfriend on the lips more than once while dressed up as a girl. I think he just likes doing it for fun but who knows and for that matter who cares.

He knows we are OK with his choices as long as he thinks them through logically and sanely and as long as they harm no one.

We feel we are so fortunate that we have a son that has chosen cross dressing as an activity as opposed to smoking or drugs or alcohol. There are so many far worse things for a 12 or for that matter a 13 year old boy to be doing then doing his hair and dressing up as a girl.