birth-time and my mother

[emmaline]

here's the delicate situation with my mother

we live on different sides of the continent and don't travel often to visit(not because we don't get on) but with both my births my parents have trekked over to stay for a few weeks

the first time was a life saver for me - they came early because my oldest brother (a doctor and father of three!) told mum I was "so huge" I was bound to deliver early!! then I went two weeks late and had a horrible time of it with PUPPP (a skin rash that was so painful and debilitating) and my folks were lovley to have around, helping me cope

second time ds1 was aged 6.5 yrs and came down with chickenpox while I was in hospital for 10 days with complications after a c-birth - when I finally got home and saw how my mum (she does all the kid-business, my dad is a sweet but hands-off grandpa) was treating ds1 I was aghast. She was mean! and grumpy! not at all the lovely mum who was so caring when I was sick as a child. Ds1 was really ill, millions of pox and all got infected, he was in constant pain but got no sympathy so he gave up and resigned to being uncared for... I was still weak and weepy and very upset by this. I know she got way more than she bargained for with the chickenpox but still...

well now ds1 is 12 (and still wary of his grandma) and ds2 is 5 ( and doesn't know her very well) and #3 is due in July and my mother expects to come and be here for the big event.

dh and I have been trying to find a way to defuse the situation. My best idea is to suggest she and dad come over when dh has to go back to work - some 2 weeks after the birth, when I will really need a hand (I have to have another c-birth) but will there for ds1 and 2

she will miss the immediate birth time but we will have much more time together than if she were here while I was in hospital and she will still have the pleasure of being with a very new grandchild. My dad will express no view on the subject - it's womens business that he will support but never interfere with

so (for anyone who's still reading my saga) opinions??

[dotcommama]

I think you've come up with a great idea. Have you mom there to help out after dh goes back to work - then you'll be around to "supervise" and make sure your mom is treating your family the way you'd like her to.

You can present it to her as dh really wants to be the sole helper while you're in the hospital - makes him feel like he's really a part of the birth experience or something like that.

[lilyka]

That sopund like a great idea. You may want to imphasize (sp?) how much help you will be needing once dh goes back to work. That way she will get the picture that you really would rather she wait because you will need her then rather than right away.

[LiamnEmma]

I think your plan is wonderful. Kudos to you for protecting your son at the risk of hurting mom's feelings (I know we all should, but it's harder than it sometimes sounds, kwim?), and I'm so sorry about his last experience. That sounds awful! I really do like your plan though. I hope it works out.

[emmaline]

thanks for the back up ladies - balancing everyone's needs is tricky sometimes isn't it? I'm glad you all like the plan - I really will nedd help after dh goes back to work, so there's no untruth going on

[ladylee]

all the best to you emmaline-I know how challenging it can be making arrangements when relatives are far away! I'm sure she'll understand if you ask for what you need. (I plan to do similar if I end up having a c-section.)

[Nik's Mommy]

I agree... it's a great idea.
My parents live far away - in Australia (with you ) and I'm in Canada. For the birth of my first, we scheduled it that they would arrive after the birth......that way, they weren't sitting around waiting for me to deliver. (Face it, they weren't there to see me - they were there to see their first grandchild.) I also had PUPPP (man - didn't it SUCK!!! ) and continued to have it bad for 8 weeks post partum. It was nice to have my mom around a month after everything. She cooked and did the house work. It was really great. I think your idea will work out splendidly, and I hope your mom agrees to it.

[emmaline]

I hope she will understand and agree too - we need to have a conversation about it soon as she plans well in advance. She believes real communication happens in letters so I can set it all out carefully and revise and edit and get it right!

OT but Nik's Mommy - where are your folks? I am in Melbourne and mine are in Perth. Are they travelling over this time too?

[Nik's Mommy]

Originally posted by emmaline
OT but Nik's Mommy - where are your folks? I am in Melbourne and mine are in Perth. Are they travelling over this time too?

My parents are in Canberra. I still have not had a chance to visit your wonderful country. I want to come some day soon. I love seeing the pictures my parents send. (Although the pictures of the fires were really incredible!!)

I hope my parents make it down this time - it's just soooooo expensive for them. No plans yet. My guess is they won't make it till December and they will just come for Christmas again. (Why they choose to come in the coldest month of the year - I'll never guess!!)

Totally OT - but, when I was in high school I dreamed of moving to Melbourne! I always wanted to live there. My favourite bands were all from Australia. I was in love with Nick Seymour from Crowded House. Now my parents are there! How unfair is that!!

[mama2girls]

I had similar feelings about having mil after dd#2 was born. They are only 3 hours away, so they were able to come down, together, to see new babe and then mil came down after dh went back to work and stayed a week to help out. She is also one who is easily offended, so we broached it by saying that I wanted to stretch out my resources and have help for the longest period possible (yadda, yadda) and that it seemed silly to have both mil and dh here at the same time when that first week we wanted to relax and concentrate on being a family of four!! I hope that she is able to understand and respect your wishes.

[Ravin]

Just thought I'd point out that they probably come for the coldest month of the year to escape the heat of midsummer in Canberra!
BTW, you should go visit them. It's cheaper for you than for them because of the difference in currencies--the Aus dollar has about the same domestic spending power as the US dollar, but just a little over half the value of it--which translates into travelling to the US as an Aussie being more expensive than travelling to Australia as an American.

So as not to be hopelessly off topic, I though I'd add that your plan sounds good, Emmaline. If you want her around for supervised help, it's a much better way than trusting her unsupervised after what happened the last time!

[emmaline]

Ravin you are quite right about the exchange rate thing. Sometimes I look at Australian internet businesses and their prices and think anyone in the US would be nuts not to buy from here! even with extra postage costs

Nik's mommy Canberra would be awful to visit anytime soon, until some decent rain settles all the dust and ash stirred up by winds and heavy equipment involved in the demolitions and then rebuilding and lets some regrowth happen in surrounding burnt out forest and farmland - it must be hell for asthmatics and littlies. Melbourne is of course much nicer!!

I'm so glad everyone likes my plan

[Nik's Mommy]

Originally posted by Ravin

BTW, you should go visit them. It's cheaper for you than for them because of the difference in currencies--the Aus dollar has about the same domestic spending power as the US dollar, but just a little over half the value of it--which translates into travelling to the US as an Aussie being more expensive than travelling to Australia as an American.

Ravin,
I'm Canadian, and our dollar isn't a heck of a lot better than the Aussie $. It's pretty much the same price for both of us.