Dear Self,
Please stop being so emotional all the time. It's really incredibly aggravating and tiring. The world is not out to get you and you can be just as ignorant as the next person from time to time so stop being so pissy when you encounter stupidity. And don't worry, your braindrain will eventually go away once you're not preggers anymore and you will start to feel like your old intelligent self again, so just try to hang in there a little while longer -- I'm really proud of you for not totally losing your shit yet, but you have to keep it together until after the bean comes, okay? Deal? In the meantime, put your feet up and stop feeling guilty over stupid things like vacuuming the house. Or better yet, go back to bed. You're exhausted.
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Dear Bean,
Please stop moving around so much. I know it's crowded and I'd be totally freaked and claustrophobic if I were shoved into that space, but according to leading psychologists, you're really into being there right now. That said, can you calm down a bit please? I'm not sure how you're managing to get your foot so far around toward Mama's back but let's pretend that's an off limits zone, okay? Give me until Saturday to rest and get up some energy then you can come whenever you want, but in the meantime, it'd be great if you could stop hurting me. Thanks!
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Dear precious DH,
Thank you for all your help around the house, despite the fact that you work full time and your fat, bloated, weeble wife rarely even leaves the house anymore. And thank you for being so good in lamaze class and paying attention and reading
The Birth Partner and all that, but when I say my back hurts, it would be the nicest thing ever if you offered to rub it, instead of saying, "Yeah mine does too."
Anyway I'd vent at you more only you're not really annoying me nearly as much as I'm annoying myself so this time you're off the hook. But I will warn you -- if you try this sympathy pain crap while I'm in labor, I will hit you.
Love you dearly!
-me
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Dear Used-To-Be-My-Best-Friend,
You suck. I still can't get over how you just decided you "couldn't handle" me being pregnant. We're not kids, you idiot. We're nearly 40. And it's not like I expected you to help raise the child, um, hello?!? I have a husband for that. I just expected you to be here and share things with me and be happy for me. I know you don't want kids but did that really have to mean if you weren't having them then no one should?
I can't tell you how much your actions have hurt me. It's been months and I still dream about you sometimes and wake up crying because you were so precious to me for so long. It's like being in a bad breakup and there's a part of me that's embarrassed because it still bothers me that you shut me (and my child) out.
And I don't understand why you think that because two friends choose different paths that means they can no longer maintain a friendship. I have many other friends who don't agree with your reasoning (thankfully) and I would never have abandoned you just because you did something I wasn't planning on doing. When you married that jackass, I stuck by you, even though I knew it was a mistake. But I never once said I told you so. I jsut asked if you were happy.
Because to me, friendship is about acceptance and support. Not about agreeing all the time, or competition, or conformity. That was high school. This is real life.
And it sucks that you chose to not have any part in my nor my child's life. You're really missing out. But what really sucks is that deep down, though I'd never admit it to anyone, I really miss you.
-Your old Friend
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Okay!! This is the best thread ever!!! 
I am so sorry!! I had a falling out with a long time dear friend too..I know it hurts and makes you sick!!
