loss and renewal, scared

[marymary]

hello everyone, my father died 6 or 7 weeks ago out of the blue, or into it! I now find that I/we conceived for the third time a week later, not actually at the funeral but on the same day. Problem is dh is not happy and I am really in denial. I feel like a kid who just wants it to go away, probably because I feel that our relationship will not withstand whatever is to happen next. I'm scared of being on my own with three kids and determined not to be forced into something I don't want to do, Of course everyone has different opinions, mothers encourage me to 'go for it', I'll 'be ok', dh says part of the potency of being human is that we can make choices (whose body!) and perhaps we will value the children we already have all the more. I have been pg before and not had the baby and it's a truly devastating experience, although it was a long time ago and I did not already have children. I know nobody can tell me what to do, I just need to get this off my chest, wake up and start to sort it out. Thanks for listening, much love MM

[lunarmomma]

Hi marymary,
I am so sorry about your dad. . And wow, fiinding out you are pregnant at the very same time. This is big stuff and probably really difficult to sort it all out because all the feelings are probably jumbled together. It is really hard to get excited about anything when you are grieving any kind of loss, especially if you are in the shock of having experienced a sudden death.
Also it sounds like you are not sure what is going to play out with you and your dh so that is complicating things as well. It is hard to think about the future I'm sure when there is so very much going on all around you.
The timing of the universe works in very odd ways sometimes doesn't it??

I don't know if you know Cynthia Marshall who was administrating these boards some months back, but she lost her mom suddenly in an accident, at the same time she was waiting to be able to get her new adopted daughter from Southeast Asia. It all happened within the span of a month or two, and she did go and get her little girl soon after her mom's death and is now on maternity leave to be with her. I am sure that in spite of the mourning, the presence of this little one in her life is a source of great healing.

Is there any way that you can take some time ( a few hours, an hour, a day or two?) to be with yourself and maybe retreat a bit, get some nurturing, a massage or some spa somewhere, meditate out in nature (probably too cold where you are!) and just commune with yourself and try and get in touch with the Truth in you, and see what comes..
It seems to me that if you allow yourself some quiet time and the space to go within truly into your own self that you will find what you will know what to do. It is hard to figure it out when everything is spiraling around you. But I think if you can give yourself some healing time to just BE, you will find your answer.
I would also encourage you not to get too freaked out about the future and all the "what ifs". Trust that things will work out as they will, and you don't need to be expending the energy trying to figure it all out right now. We can't possibly know what exactly will happen.

This is a time for you to be gentle and nurturing to yourself so that you can begin the healing process and allow yourself to mourn however you will.
I send you much love and I wish you the space and gentleness to figure it out. Trust your own truth.

All the best to you and your family.

[lisamarie]

Let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Please know that you are not alone in your grief and there are so, so many kind and gentle persons here.

A while ago, after I had been separated from my husband for over a year, he took his own life. It was sudden, tragic, lifechanging event. During the separation, I had grieved the loss of our marriage and parenting our ds together. But after his death, I was lost, numb and in shock. I found comfort and guidance through a grief and loss program in our area for families. We are still going now, even 2 years later. There are so many stages of grief, whether its for a marriage, loss of a child or father.

Take your time to make decisions. Find a grief and loss group for yourself. Get a massage if you can. Its amazing what our bodies hold while we are grieving. And through this upcoming holiday season especially, give yourself time to read, pray, cry, scream and create even new traditions to help you get through this time of year.

There was a really good "MOTHERING" article this past year on Children and Grief, that might be helpful too.

My thoughts are with you-

Lisa

[Ms. Mom]

Marymary, I'm so very sorry. I lost my father not quite a year ago. That loss alone is so difficult. Now your faced with major decisions.

You must feel so overwhelmed and confussed right now. How are your children dealing with the loss of their grandpa? I know dealing with the greif of children when dealing with your own is very challenging.

I hope your family can withold the stress. You will all be in my thougths.

[JessicaS]

oh no....

maybe you and your dh should take a weekend together...could anyone watch your children for a night or two?? You sound like you seriously need a break.

take some deep breaths.....

this is a decision that you cannot take lightly...regardless of religious beliefs this is going to be very hard on you.....are you sure you are able to handel this sort of decision a second time?? I think it would be more difficult after you had children.

Maybe you should write down the reasons for making the decision and it will help you have some insight into making your decision. If your marriage isn't going to last through a pregnancy it won't work very well with the other option either.

I suggest seeking counseling...planned parenthood may be able to help you talk it out so you can try and decide.

Maybe we could give you better advice if we knew more about your situation.......

[marymary]

thankyou for your genuine responses I have been giving myself some time in fact I can't sleep at night until the early hours then wake eventually exhausted, this is stress I know. The thing is we had been talking of living separately for a while. I feel that I would be more mistress of my own household than I can be in our present situation. Not because of any blatant oppression but the kind of boredom of routine etc. We have separate daily patterns and sometimes I feel they don't gel. However, I think my problems probably stem from my own experiences as a child when our mother left us just before/around puberty and did an 'I'm no good for you' disappearing trick for several years. Our father was truly amazing and brought us up in an exemplary fashion. (hard act to follow I know)One of the hang overs of this is the issue of rejection. In previous relationships when I was much younger and less grounded I put up with anything rather than be left, or see the writing on the wall and leave for my own self preservation etc. Dh is not a bad person, we have a very close relationship in fact I would say that perhaps he seems strange to others (enigmatic) but not to me! He does have very strong opinions about himself, immoveable mostly. This is attractive to someone like me who is probably eager to please. My children are 5 and under, they don't go to school. My own income is tiny and sporadic. Making the break involves so much practical stuff. I don't want to stick them in to school and do a crap job, I would rather live in a van. However with the added complication of this pregnancy I feel quite vulnerable and completely paranoid about health etc. ie it would be just my luck to uproot, do all of that stuff and then have an impaired baby! I know this sounds selfish and is probably rubbish. I do feel that I don't want to kill my baby but I'm swamped by feelings of not being able to cope. I do miss my dad and I've been trying to ask his advice. 2 nights before he died 2 books jumped off the bookshelf, one called 'soul friend' the other 'prayer words', I opened pw the first word was 'ABBA', my mother (deceased) was an abba fan! I didn't read the signs then but perhaps read into them now. I think I need a practical plan of action re. live/work etc. then I won't feel so swamped. My eldest son has had a hard time in losing his grandad and there isn't much space for me to grieve, I will call some friends and see if I can go and boo hoo for an hour nearby. One of the other things I find in pregnancy is that I immediately want to run out and have a debauched weekend, although believe me I can't remember when I last did that! much love MM

[Ms. Mom]

MM, my heart is breaking for you. From the way you described your father I can only imagine how profound his loss is to you. As for the other situations, I won't pretend to know what your going through. So much pain and aggony in the decisions you're facing. Abbiemom asked some good questions. Do you have any friends that you could talk to and bounce ideas who wouldn't try to sway you in a direction?

Keep in mind that the decisions before you are 'your' decisions. Yes, they will direction affect the ones you love most, but only you can make these decisions. Reach deep inside of your heart and take a few weeks to rationalize and come up to a decision you can live a lifetime with.

In my thoughs mm.

[marymary]

Re; my situation, dh and I have had a talk and I feel more supported than before. We still haven't come to a clear decision about anything but things don't seem so gloomy. I know that our living situation may have to change but it won't be tomorrow or next week and he is talking in terms of 'we' not 'you' and 'I'. It still feels pretty large and scary but without the antagonism it feels better. I know he would prefer not to have this baby but he will accept my decision. In the long term I know this means even more work, less time for me etc. but perhaps this is the catalyst I need to ensure that I make changes to my life and start to be 'me'. Work opportunities have just begun to open up for me and this is something else I have to deal with. I'm angry with myself for getting pregnant, at my age! I should know better. Sometimes I think fertility for me is a major issue of body control like eating/exercising etc. and I feel stupid. It is something I value but I also feel that I have abused it and therefore myself. Anyway I expect that things will work out ok and I am going to get some counselling, thanks again for your support MM ps I found some really uplifting stuff in 'Personal Growth', no more gloom XXXXXX

[lisamarie]

I am so glad to hear that the line of communication are open between you and your dh and that you are finding comfort through counseling and through the boards here. Keep us posted.

Warmly~

Lisa

[marymary]

thankyou lisamarie and everyone for your responses it feels so good to get it off my chest without risking my/our friend's opinions of dh and all that negative stuff that goes with grumbling about your partner/relationship etc. Or boring the pants off them talking about myselF!!!!!!!!!!!Much love cyber friends XMM

[lunarmomma]

Just to add marymary, please don't give yourself a hard time for getting pregnant. It happens all the time, and our bodies were designed for it. It is a wonder it doesn't happen more often than it does. Imagine 13 cycles a year of opportunity for how many decades of fertility (20 to 30 years at least???) That is a lot of opportunities. Unplanned pregnancy has happened to the best of us, believe me!
Try not to focus on the guilt, but instead, how to nurture yourself and take care of you with compassion!
All the best.

[JessicaS]

had an oops myself

she is sleeping happily in bed with dh.....we weren't even married and we got in all sorts of trouble at our church!!

I think there is a limit to how many times you should have to hear the word "fornicate"

I am glad your dh is being a little more open to the situation.....

please keep us updated.....

[marymary]

hello ladies, I went to the doctor, she's African - very child/family oriented, 'why don't you keep it?' she said, 'men always come round, they always react like that'! I know what she means. Thing is I think it's about money and not being single, able willing to do the things you used to do. My partner is so busy that we never go out, our 2 yr old won't stay with anyone except step-mum who has just lost my father and I think 2 under 5's is a bit much to cope with by herself esp. as no.1 son undergoes a personality change when having to compete with bruv. and she lives an hour and a half away. I always hoped that 'my family' would be a close unit, wanting to holiday together, share the child care etc, and it's just not turned out like that. At the same time I realise that people have to want to change themselves and that no amount of nagging will do that, in fact it often sends them off the other way. We seem to have become very distant, our relationship is 'indoors' we hardly move around as a family and I resent that. I feel insulted by that.The most difficult thing is trying to live with the feelings of distance and distaste, while still having emotional ties, wanting to be a 'family' and making the break. I saw this on another post about an entirely different topic but you wonder if you are enforcing a change for changes sake. The other fear is that things will get worse not better when you make that change. I feel my dh wanted our first child very badly, not the second and now not the third. I understand that it is financially draining but we don't live extravagantly by any means, it is mostly a struggle, but where we live the cost of childcare negates the financial reward of working. Also my son is approaching the time where he wants to be with his father a lot and I would hate to ruin that for him, no2 son is also very jealous of daddy but he's dady's baby (even though he didn't want him in the first place) I just feel a bit lost in all of this. My partner doesn't want to spend time with me outside of the home, ie value our relationship, and I am worried about uprooting my children from their dad, so I don't really get anything out of this except the satisfaction that my children live with 2 parents!? Sounds like martydom doesn't it. I just wish he thought I was the most wonderful person, so glad to be sharing his life and instead I feel like a financial mill stone around his neck but like some kind of idiot I proffer my sons for his pleasure like some pathetic peasant. Oh boo hoo. I am so tired as you can imagine, 9 weeks plus and there is so little joy. I am putting on weight quite fast and today I tried to hide this by looking for a big t-shirt. I feel like I want to run away but my sons have friends here who are important to them of course, I also finally have something creative going on (not the pg) but I hate the 4 walls, the view, everything! There is also the whole social issue of separation, in my family we were always taught to say nothing and have a stiff upper lip etc. over on the single parents board people seem much younger with less children and happy about their status. I just feel sad. Will I damage my children and myself and him more or less by staying? going? it's so hard. It's also trivial in the scheme of things I know, it's just me being selfish that my fantasy life isn't working at the moment. I haven't told anyone close by what's going on because it's so difficult, thankyou for listening, wishing you lots of love. MM

[lunarmomma]

Hi marymary
Gosh, you have so much going on. I think the pg part of it is only a smallish piece of it as there is so much else you are talking about, feeling isolated whilst being unsupported and overwhelmed . That must be terribly frustrating.
I guess I would ask that you envision what might be should you end the pregnancy. How will that solve/change any of the current situation you describe? Then see yourself continuing the pregnancy. What would be different then? And what changes would be made?
I guess in times like this it is ever so important to get some support to make the right decision, whatever that is. If you don't want to talk to friends how about seeing a counselor for a few sessions just to get things sorted a bit? Here in California we all do this, it is very normal and not stigmatized like it is elsewhere. It has served me well when I have done the same.
I just think you need some help to talk to a non judgemental person who can be objective and really help to clear the platter so to speak. You do have an awful lot going on and it would be very difficult for me to figure it all out myself without asking a friend or a therapist for some assistance.
I do think you shouldn't do this alone without some support. And if you are not getting it from family as you had wished, I would find it elsewhere.
good luck and please keep us posted.

edited for a typo.

[Ms. Mom]

Laura, you're such a beautiful person - I value so much what you said and agree with you.

MM, You have so much going on right now. I agree with Laura that counseling may be a good choice for you. I'm gald that you feel comfortable here while your sorting it all out.

No, you're NOT being selfish in this situation. Beleive it or not your mourning a loss, the loss of your 'dream' family. I think it's more common than most people think.

What you can do, is evaluate what you do have. Decide what's absolutely necessary. Look at ALL options and try to make decisions that YOU can live with.

You care so deeply about your children and you have dreams for them. Remember, to be a good mother to them, you need to set an example. You need to show them that happiness is what you make of it.

Holidays can be particularly hard. We have expectations and dreams. Please be gentle with yourself and try to keep your surroundings calm.

Your in my thoughs

[marymary]

Ms.Mom,Abimommy,Lisa-Marie,Lunarmomma, thankyou again for your kindness, I read the posts often, tonight I feel ok, lots of love MM

[lisamarie]

MaryMary~

Thanks for letting us know how you are. You are not alone and are wonderful mommy. Please keep us posted.

Warmly & With Hugs~

Lisa

[lunarmomma]

marymary, just checking in to see how you are doing?
thinking of you.

[marymary]

Hi lunarmomma, thanks for thinking of me, we're ok, I just saw Ms. Mom's post and I'm overwhelmed for them all, lots of love MM

[lunarmomma]

marymary,
your thread keeps disappearing and reappearing again. Thought I would check in. How is life, what's happening with you??
Laura