Well, he's almost 3 months old....

[ekblad9]

And I still feel rotten. I don't think people from the outside can tell but I just feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. All five kids had the flu over the past week and I haven't been out of the house in days. I'm so depressed. My house is a mess, I can't excercise b/c I've been sick and just started feeling better today. Aside from the flu, though, I've just had an overall feeling of darkness for the past few months. I'm afraid to admit it to anyone b/c the baby seems so old now. I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.

[mcimom]

I can relate, mostly what helps is getting out of the house for me! Luckily I (and my girls) are rarely sick (totally convinced it's b/c I don't vax and of course bfing helps ) But man those few days I do have when I am sick, I just freak out inside. I just get so depressed b/c I can't handle so much when I don't feel well. I mean, gee, I'm barely handling it when physically I feel well.

I am the kind of person who has to get out of the house. Most people think I'm crazy for grocery shopping and running errands w/all 3 girls in tow, but I have to get out or I get so lazy and depressed and it just gets circularily (is that a word?) worse.

Anyway...you probably are depressed. You've got DH problems, you're physically sick, you're bouncing back from having a baby (3 months isn't THAT long ago), you are living in a Michigan winter!!!! That last one alone is enough to do it.

But what can you do? What time are you willing to take for you? Can you go see someone like a counselor? Maybe that would help. I keep toying w/this idea myself. I come up w/so many excuses - too busy being the number one on my list, but I think I'm a little scared b/c I'm usually so together and most people go on about how in control I am and I'd have to admit, I'm not...

Well, I don't want to hijack your thread w/my problems, but let's just say I can relate and I've got two fewer kids and less responsibility in that I'm not homeschooling.

Hey, if I can get through a decade of the rosary tonight before I pass out, it's dedicated to you, ok? (well, and my baby sister who lost her engagement ring, you'll have to split it b/c I'm tired and I'm not even sure I'll be able to get one decade out : )

from me to you

[mamaduck]

3 months old is still brand new.

I'm sorry that you still feel yucky, and I wish, wish, wish with all my hear that you felt better. I honestly do. And if I could make it so, I would -- in a minute!

But give yourself as much time as it takes.
------------------------
P.S. -- spring is not too far away.

[gurumama]

PPD can hit ANYTIME during the first year. Mine hit around 5-6 months both times.

Ask your PCP for a thyroid test. MAKE them do it if they give you flack. PPD-like symptoms can be caused by hypothyroidism--8-10% of mothers have low thyroid but most go undiagnosed. Treatment is simple and does not interfere w/bfing.

good luck,

mel

[ekblad9]

OK, I took the test that's on the sticky here and did really bad. Today has not been a good day. I finally called my dr. and am going in tomorrow at noon. I'm very nervous but almost releived too. He's a homeopath and I hope he can find something natural to give me. If not, oh well, I just want to feel better. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like burrowing in a hole and staying there for days and days. I feel like such a let down to my husband and kids. I don't even want to tell my parents b/c I'm afraid they'll be so ashamed.

Thanks for listening.

[mamaduck]

You are NOT a let down to anyone! Geesh, even if all you did as birth and nurse them, you'd be doing enough to deserve gratitude. And you are doing SO much more.

When I had PPD the second time, I kept telling myself -- "I'm not a bad person. I only feel like one, and my feelings are inaccurate in this instance." I said it to myself a LOT.

[Graceoc]

Amy - my dd is 10 months old and I feel the same way.....I too took the test and scored a 67 - seeing that 70 is considered serious I am concerned. I don't want to hijack your thead, so I think I will start my own. But just wanted to say you are not alone.......now to go start my own thread....

I feel like such a let down to my husband and kids. I don't even want to tell my parents b/c I'm afraid they'll be so ashamed

I feel the same way

[ekblad9]

I got a 75. Not good! Feel free to join in this thread with your troubles if you haven't started your new thread yet. Glad to know I'm not alone! Well, not glad that you feel bad but you kwim?

[ekblad9]

Mamaduck - How did you get through it? Did you see a dr.? Counselor? Get put on meds?

[mamaduck]

For whatever it might be worth, here is my long story --

Well, after the first baby I didn't really know what was happening to me. It started when he was 10 weeks old. I got suicidal, and crazy, and miserable. I stopped sleeping. I went like 46 hour once without sleep and Dh was threatening to take me to the ER. I had violent fantasies that I had no control over. When I finally did sleep, I would wake up during the night with panic attacks. I cried so hard all day that sometimes I had trouble catching my breath. I would try to hide it all from the baby because I was afraid my depression might be causing his colic, but trying to just stay in control nearly drove myself insane. I started drinking steadily just to numb my feelings.

I called my OB and he had no advice. I tried to see my GP and he was uncomfortable talking to me about it. He had his nurse talk to me, and then tried to give me meds but I didn't trust his judgement about them while I was nursing. He was really a bafoon -- I still wouldn't take his judgment about such things. He sent me to a social worker for counseling. It took me forever to get the phone calls made to make sure it was covered by our HMO. I had to answer personal questions over the phone to a number of complete strangers. It was intensely difficult. My husband would not make any of the calls for me -- he thought if I tried had enough I could just make myself better. He was angry with me for being depressed. Well, then the social worker was completely useless. She was just entirely unhelpful. She did want me to see a psychiatrist, but the waiting list for the only psychiatrist covered by my HMO was 4 months long.

Someone bought me a book called "This Isn't What I Expected." I read the book and implemented a lot of the advice -- it was very helpful. Then I discovered that the author lived locally, and was available for private therapy. I made an apt. with her. The cost was $100 per session out of pocket. I went for 6 weeks, paying exactly 25% of what my husband earned each week in order to see her and then just putting food and gas on a credit card. Strangely, she had no more advice than was in her book. I finally quit. I started allowing myself to spend some money on frivality each week -- movies and pizza orders and such. It was cheaper than therapy.

When ds was about 6 months old, I somehow managed to pull myself together. It was an act of sheer will-power. I was still intensely unhappy, but no longer unable to function. Every now and then I would still have to call my mom or my dh to come help me in the middle of the day when I started loosing it. At around the one year mark, I finally started feeling better.

It was a long, brutal experience.

With ds#2 -- I was prepared. PPD hit again at 10 weeks. But I had a group of loving midwives who responded to my every need. They were calling me at home checking in with me periodically, and they let me come do volunteer work at the birth center so that they could keep me company. I had bloodwork done to check my thyroid and blood sugar, which were fine. I had a reasonbly good therapist lined up to see and I forced myself to go every week for about 9 weeks or so. I had a number of friends who knew ahead of time, who were willing to sit up at night to talk on the phone when I couldn't sleep. And most of all, I kept reminding myself that my feelings were not accurate. I just kept telling myself that I was a good mommy, and that my feelings were just out of wack, and that was okay. And I also did a lot of journalling.

I think by the time I was about 6 months post-partum I felt much better. If the 2nd time had been as bad as the 1st then I *would* have taken medication for it. Missing out so much on my oldest baby's first year was not worth it.

Whew. Sorry to be so long winded.

[Jish]

Amy, I'm guessing that you read my old thread about my experience and my hospital stay back in September. If you feel ashamed to tell people and you want to dig a hole to climb in, I can't imagine how deep my hole would have been. Even on this board when I say that I spent six days in a Psych unit (not a locked unit ) everyone will have to admit that they form an opinion of me as somewhat weak and probably fragile. If you took that image you have of me and met me in real life, but didn't know my history, you would not believe that the person that spent time in the hospital and the person that stood before you were the same person. I feel lucky in a way that my mom and mil also suffer from depression. Granted, there is a genetic link and I likely inherited the tendency from my mother, they understand what I am going through and are very supportive.

Read my post to grace and PM me if you need to vent, talk, cry, etc. I'll give you my phone number and you can call me. Let me know what I can do and I'll do it for you.

[ekblad9]

I'm heading to bed but wanted to say how much I appreciate this support. My brother is bipolar and my mom suffered depression so I guess I'm next. Anyway, I'll let you know what happens. Thanks so much.

[Tracy]

You know... my friend's husband has just publised a book all about post partum health and pregnancy.
I mean it literally came out last month.

A Natural Guide to Pregnancy and Postpartum Health

It is completely chock full of the kind of info I think you would like....


here is the link to amazon...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846


there is also a line of vitamins and oils just for new moms....

when I skipped them a few days...I felt myself going down.....

here's the link for the vitamins if you care

www.pregnancyrecovery.com

Also, if you want to talk to my friend she might be helpful...pm me and I"ll give you her number...

Good luck...if I had some extra vitamins I would send them toyou......

[mcimom]

posting for totally selfish reasons, Amy. can I have the name of your homeopathic dr?

hope it went well at your appt. my attempt at a rosary (haha! more like 1 our father and 2 hail marys before I konked out) worked for my sister finding her ring, hope what little I get through each night has gone your way too.

Leighanne

[ekblad9]

Well, he put me on Prozac. He said it's easier on your body than most antibiotics so he didn't want to fool around with natural remedies that may or may not work. I'm relieved. It was way easier than I thought it would be! It takes a few weeks to kick in so I'll keep you posted! Thanks for the support!

[Jish]

Amy, I am so glad you are getting help. The SSRI's can have a lot of strange side affects. If you have any questions about them, PM me. The strangest one I notice and that my pdoc said is common is that I have a hard time finding words at times. I'll be in the middle of a sentance like "so yesterday I took the boys to the ................" and I can't think of the word I'm looking for. I'll be able to picture the "park" or whatever it is, but it takes a few seconds for the word to come. It's pretty strange but many of my friends on AD's notice it too so at least I'm not alone.

[ekblad9]

Hey, I do that already! LOL! Honestly, I do. The dr. didn't tell me about that side effect. He said that there weren't that many. It made me feel good. Now I'm nervous!

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by jbcjmom
Even on this board when I say that I spent six days in a Psych unit (not a locked unit ) everyone will have to admit that they form an opinion of me as somewhat weak and probably fragile. If you took that image you have of me and met me in real life, but didn't know my history, you would not believe that the person that spent time in the hospital and the person that stood before you were the same person.

AMEN!

We are all a sane person hiding within a troubled mother. We all have strange thoughts that seem to hijack our brains and cause us even more distress than a blowout diaper combined with screaming toddler. We all really want to be that person we used to be and mostly we all want to be the best mothers and wives that we can.

Really, though, it's so hard to give yourself the slack you need to recover. With dd#1's ppd I was really in the "this baby won't change my life I can still do it all" mode. And if I did get it all done I was miserable doing it. It's harder than heck to be a mom, especially in this day and age with so many choices. Try desperately to let some things go and to have some time fo yourself. Please keep posting here, you have more parenting experience than some of us and can help us as much as we seem to be helping you.

[ekblad9]

Thanks AMmom! I was just thinking tonight how I feel I've formed a bond with lots of you now! I don't want to leave the PPD forum, I don't plan to. I'm sure this will be a struggle and I will need all the support I can get! I'm happy to give support too!

[mama2girls]

You're Welcome I need to go to bed, I just realized it's 10:30 here. MDC is very addicitve! Maybe it'll be my new vice... hmmm... does that mean I have to give one up?