PPD? now what?

[noranorth]

I stumbled across the post to this forum from the front page and read it because it sounded like me. Then went to the PPD intl page and too the self assessments (both) and was really surprised when it said that I should print it out and go see a doctor. On the one hand, it was a relief to know that I am not going crazy, and on the other I feel almost "ashamed" that there is something wrong with me.

My baby was born 11 mo ago (also have a 4 yr old) and I have struggled to be the loving mother that I want to be, but I feel stretched too thin. I work from home 20 hours a week and didn't really take a maternity break because we really depend on my income. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with my kids, I don't service my clients in a timely manner, I definately don't get the housework done, and I feel guilty about all of it. Today I yelled at the kids and then backed in the neighbor's mailbox and wiped it out. (I hit it hard enought to dent the van) It would be funny if I wasn't crying. I'm irritable all the time, it seems like. My hubby thinks it's a problem of overdeveloped sense of guilt, maybe so. I know I've got too much on my plate, because the only way I can come close to doing what I feel needs to be done is to stay up 3-4 nights a week to do it. Of course then I'm tired and crabby, so I can't win. We moved right after the baby was born, so I don't have my friends nearby and don't know many people here yet. How is it that other people make it through this I ask myself, and then I find failure in myself for not being able to do the same. The problem is trying to figure out what to let go of, and how not to feel guilty about it.

My hubby is upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. To say I am uninterested in sex is a huge understatement. At this point I totally don't care if we ever do it again, that I am glad when the baby wakes and I don't have to. But I will go up anyways, because he will be so crushed if I tell him I'd rather pack or do housework. I know he feels deprived as it is. I don't know which is worse, pretending or denying him.

This got quite a bit ramblier that I meant. But it feels so good to admit the worst and not be judged. Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm leaving early am for my grandpa's funeral, so probably won't get a chance to get back to the boards till Monday.

[Jish]

noranorth, I send you big, warm hugs. I have kids who are 4 1/3 and 2. In hindsite I can see that my problems began around my second sons first birthday. I'm guessing that it was probably before this. My depression is combined with anxiety that focuses around my health. This is my big tip off as to when I am heading for a rough time. If I start noticing every little twinge and wondering if it could be something serious I know it is time for me to watch out. I talked to my psychiatrist and yesterday and I was asking about what other people experience with depression. One of the things he mentioned was very much what you described in your post -- overwhelming guilt about things in your life that you can't necessarily control, and shouldn't feel guilty about (being stretched to thin, not getting housework done cause you are too busy, etc.)

Make an appointment with a psychiatrist who will be able to evaluate you and determine what is a good treatment for you, whether it be antidepressants, talk therapy, or other types of treatment. It is very sad how we can slowly change from being the person we are to a very different person without noticing. I was amazed when I was finally diagnosed and put on antidepressants. Wow!!! It was a long road up, and there are days that are better than others, but I finally feel like myself again.

Good luck and keep coming here. Depression strikes even the strongest of us. It is a chemical imbalance -- we are not nuts or weak. Once we get the chemicals back in order life can return to normal again. You have lots of support on this board.

[SRHS]

OH, I totally empathise with you!!! Aftermy second child was born, I felt guilty about EVERYTHING, including sitting him in the swing so I could bathe!! YES, see a professional, even if they say, you are perfectly normal and need to cut back on your duties. If your husband wants some, maybe he needs to take some of the responsibilities off of your shoulders. Someone once told me nursing a baby is a full time job, meaning you have 3 fulltime jobs (home, one kids, one baby), and another part time job....feel less guilty, ask for help, seek help, and know that you aren't the only one who has felt this way and there will be many more after you who will feel this way!!! Hang in there kid!!!

Much love and support and prayers headed your way!!!

[noranorth]

where to find help

I've been afraid to talk to anyone about this because I've worried that people will think it's a character flaw in me or think that I'm just not a good mom. What you said:
***
Depression strikes even the strongest of us. It is a chemical imbalance -- we are not nuts or weak. Once we get the chemicals back in order life can return to normal again.
***
was really helpful. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

We live in a fairly remote area. I'm not sure what resources are available. Because we moved right after I had the baby and, because we don't have insurance, I don't have a family doctor or midwife to talk to. But I know I have to find something/someone.

Today was a particularly bad day. I didn't blow up at the kids but I just got to the point where I couldn't function, make meals, do the errands or play with them. I was sitting on the floor with the baby and he was smiling at me and I realized I couldn't find it in me to smile back. That really made me sad. So I took him for a long walk in the woods and cried and decided that I will do something to get help. I don't want to be like this, I just can't seem to shake it on my own.

[SRHS]

First of all, more hugs, thoughts and prayers are headed your way, second, good for you to decide to get help to shake this...and thirdly, moving right after a baby is EXTREMELY stressful!!!! And it certainly does disrupt the support system!!! Reading "The Mother Dance" by Harriett Lerner, PhD. helped me a bit, good luck and best wishes.

[Kirsten]

For me, lack of sleep combined with a colicky baby brought on PPD. DD1 was a dream baby - ate, slept, never cried, I was fine. DD2 was colicky 24/7, screamed her ever-lovin' head off every moment of the day and night (unless she was nursing).

I would suggest getting enough sleep no matter what you have to let slide. I understand about wanting to do it all - I also have a full calendar at all times - everything seems important and can't be let go but really most of it can.

Accept help from your dh and any friends/neighbors/etc. Don't feel guilt - it is a helping hand. Wouldn't you want others to let you help them when they needed it?

Go to La Leche League or join a MOMS club. Make friends, build a support network.

Do things you formerly used to enjoy - even if they don't sound fun. I love to scrapbook but when I was in PPD, I had no interest. I just made myself sit down and do it anyway. Eventually it came back to me why I enjoyed it so much before. Same with going for walks or sending emails or sex or going to dinner with friends. Put on a happy face and give it a try for a few times to see if it comes back to you.

Talk to other women who have experienced PPD and gotten past it. It helped me tremendously to hear a mom I knew (whom I thought of as a great mom) tell me she had PPD with her 3rd child. I had no idea. To have her tell me some of the same awful things I had been thinking (why did we even have another baby, we were great before, I am so miserable now but am supposed to be so happy, etc.) really made me feel better - I was not the only one who thought that and she had gotten through it and so would I.

Good luck. I know where you are. It will get better.
Kirsten

[LizD]

As well as seeking medical advice/attention, in the meantime, just making sure you are dressed and bathed and *out* can help. By out I mean among people; if you have a local downtown area to walk in and out of shops, for example, or stopping in to your neighbor's to say hello. Even if they're not your cup of tea a ten minute chat can help pull you up. We need to see a variety of faces every day. My mother had some PPD and said the biggest help (she refused the proffered valium) was actually making sure she watched the news or turned the radio on. The radio doesn't have pictures to make you cry,and NPR's talk shows are great for reminding you that you do have opinions about important things, not just how to get your work done or which takes less effort, quesadillas or macncheese. Absolutely let the housework go; ask for someone to give you a cleaning service for a few weeks until you get it together. There is no reason you should be trying to do everything, and all of us find ourselves mired in it at one point or another.

Just small things to make you feel more connected while you are dealing with things that are, after all, very stressful. Don't underestimate how much you are trying to do, and how much you really are getting done!If it is really impossible to give yourself due credit then you must see a HCP. What your family needs most is you at your happiest. Lots of luck and relaxation to you!

[mama2girls]

I do agree with LizD. I tend to feel better (and behave better) when I am around people. Where is Grand Marais? Could you hook up with any Twin Cities groups? Duluth? Fargo? I admit that some days i blow up for no reason and then feel awful a few mintues later and then an hour after that I am back to (almost) normal. Isn't ppd fun?

[Golden]

I know for me the depression involved a lot of isolation. I didn't have a moms group or a LLL group (tried both and felt like an outsider, not part of clique...). They would be a great resource for referrals if you are involved with them however. The other thought was to check with whomever assisted at your birth (unless you delivered inassisted of course...). I would try the more alternative providers first like a midwife, rather than an OB or run of the mill HMO PCP. Also, check out doulas in your area. Many of them specialize in postpartum care. Even though you may not be interested in having a doula come into your home to help at this point, they would know about local providers, groups, etc. Even if can't find a doula in your specific area, a doula closest may know of a contact up by you.

And one more thought....if you do end up seeing a primary care provider, you should think about asking them to check your thyroid levels. It is very common postpartum to have your thyroid out of whack and will cause a lot of the same symptoms as PPD.
Fatigue, depression, memory loss, no interest in sex, weight gain or difficult to lose weight, etc....

Here is a quick link for more info:
http://www.endocrineweb.com/hypo1.html

Hugs,
Golden

[SRHS]

A resounding YES to all of the above, It was almost 2 years ago that I had trouble after the birth of my 2nd, so some comments ring some bells, and I think of something else to add....

I did go see a LCSW who was a mother of 4 nursed all of them, had a flexible work schedule so either she or her dh were home with them....point being, I went to a 'therapist' who was like minded, vs seeing a PCP who would typically push some pills even on a nursing mom. She let me take the youngin' with me, nurse whenever he got the urge, etc. What I found was that just having that scheduled hour a week where it was necessary to get bathed, dressed, GO OUT, and TALK TO AN ADULT, helped enormosely. I lived on an Air Base, but none of my friends were nursing or home recovering from a C Section, my dh went TDY 2 weeks after baby was born, I wasn't even supposed to drive!!! Needless to say, that was the last straw and now at my new base I'm sure there is a breastfeeding support group, mom and tots group, etc. So, maybe there are other women in your situation and they would be glad to welcome you to their group, or eternally grateful if you started one of your own...check out the local WIC office, they may have a lot of "groups" that would suit your needs. Lots of breastfeeding moms with others in tow, or seek their support in starting a new one.

Best of luck getting the support and nurturing you need right now.

[noranorth]

loooong venting

sorry, this one got longer than i realized, but i needed to vent
***
Thanks for all the good advice. I checked with the resources for our area, and there are no LLL groups or other parenting groups, no midwives (I had a midwife before we moved here, but she's 6 hours away now). I did talk to the *one* licensed mental health professional, but she was reluctant to meet with me and suggested a medical doctor. There are 3 in the county and I made an appointment for next Monday with the one woman I've heard is most open to AP style parenting. I kind of feel like I am striking out in terms of resources but will go see the general practictioner and see how it goes.

I guess the isolation is part of the problem.

One thing I did with my first ds that I really loved was Early Childhood Family ed. but because of lack of resources in our county, it's not available. There are a couple of us moms that got permission to meet in the preschool classroom once a week just to talk while the kids play, and it's helpful to get adult conversation.

Right now, we're renting 25 miles s of grand marais, (which is 2 hours north of duluth, actually closer to thunder bay Ontario than duluth). We are building a house about 11 m north of GM -- which is where my husband is spending most of his time right now. Hopefully, we'll be moved in by April/May. I know it will be better when we move. Right now, I hate to drive in to town because ds2 can't seem to make the drive without needing to nurse, and it really stresses me because some sections of road have no shoulder to pull off on.

I've been trying to go for walks in the woods, but have had to be more careful where I go. There's a wolf pack near here that is mangey and starving, so is approaching people. Some people have gotten chased to their cars, so I guess the DNR is going to trap them. Until then, I'm going to stay closer to home. Sometimes I feel like my kids would be better off without me, but I don't want to get eaten by a wolf.