Dh's during your birth

[crazyeight]

I have given birth once to a wonder son but wasn't with my husband at the time. My ds and dh now have a good bond but i am afraid of the birth. let me explain.
the person i was with during my first birth was very sensitive to me and while i am glad i am not with him anymore i realize that he was a HUGE help during delivery, i trusted him, he knew what i wanted and supported me 200%, he was very knowledgeable about the birth and took bradley classes with me. basically a male doula to me.

my husband i dearly love but he lacks in the communication and emotions dept. while he says i love you and i know he does even when he doesn't say it i know that communication and feelings are important during birth. i WILL be taking him to bradley classes with me and it won't be an option. i trust him but he is the kind of person who thinks things through alot before giving an opinion or answer. he makes lists and likes to know whats going to happen. bradley will prepare him with the information and i will tell him (and probably put it in list form) of my wishes and go into more detail about the previous birth and what is going to happen with this one. The big thing that is hard for to accept right now is if he will be what i imagine i need. does that make sense?
we are going to a free standing birth center and have cnm's so i don't have to worry about ob's and that yuck. i want this to be a hugely bonding experience and i want to see real emotion out of him. i am fearing that he will regaurd this the same way he does going out to eat together, like us just spending time at home watching tv and that it won't be the "open his eyes to the intense emotion that bringing a child into the world from the body of your mate" emotions that it should.
i am looking for people whos dh aren't exspecially emotional or very good at communication and how they handled this.
thanks

[doula and mom]

I know exactly what you mean -- my husband is a scientist! When I was pregnant we took "Birthing From Within" and he thought I was insane. He didn't "get" that birth was more than just pushing a baby out of a vagina, that it is a spiritual journey .

Anyway, I want you to know first of all that you cannot change his mind, but he will change his own mind when he sees it. My husband did.

Also, have you considered hiring a doula? Having someone who understands the miracle that is birth will help counteract the feelings of your dh, and also she can possibly help him to understand. My dh felt that our doula helped him just as much as she helped me.

[kerikadi]

I second the doula suggestion. If he has less to do for you and is able to focus on the actual birth then he may be a better support for you. For instance if you are having back labor you can put the doula to work on your back and all he has to do is give you affirmations and tell you how beautiful you are and how wonderful you are doing.
Men are generally horrible at multi-tasking and when we need them to light the candles, bring us a drink, put the right music on, rub our back, call the MW and tell us we are beautiful all at the same time - well, they don't always fulfill our wishes.

My DH was WONDERFUL in our first birth together which was baby #3 and my first homebirth. However, the labor started off like most, slow and building. Our second labor together was a VERY fast 45 minutes - my second contraction was transition! I had also woken the man out of a sound sleep and started barking orders - candle, music, MW, water, back, help!!!!: He was running around like a chicken with his head cut off
He was trying his hardest and ended up putting on some DANCE music rather than my BIRTH music - NOT what a woman wants to hear in transition.

My point is that the less he has to do the better he will be able to do it. Having someone else there to make sure you pee, drink enough, have your hair tied back, hold your puke bucket then he can focus on YOU And I think you would both have a better experience and he would feel much less overwhelmed.

Keri

[EVC]

Go for the doula.

While I'm glad that my dh got to experience the birth of our child, he was NO help at all. He just kind of stood back with his mouth gaping open, then said something to the effect of "good job" I'm sure he wanted to be supportive, but he really didn't know how and all the classes in the world wouldn't have helped him. He just isn't the touchy feely type (I sometimes wish he were, but that's just not who he is). And being at the birth didn't miraculously change him into one.

Again, I'm gald he was there for it, but more for him than me.

[crazyeight]

i would like to get a doula but we really can't afford one. i have considered trying to find one in training that needs the hours but i don't know where to find one in tucson. i found some links but they didn't really have much info that i could tell.

i think a doula would help its just a matter of finding one thats willing to do it for very little or nothing.

thanks for the suggestions though.

[honeybee]

I think all you can really do is prepare for the type of birth you want, and then relax, let things go, and embrace the experience for whatever it turns out to be (assuming a normal, uncomplicated birth). No birth goes "exactly" how we envision, nor are others (whether it be the mw, dh, doula, friend, etc.) going to be able to read your mind every second of your labor and be able to give you exactly what you think you want at the time.

I had visions of how this homebirth would bond dh and I together. He would be right there beside me, like he was with ds1's hospital birth. Dh was going to catch the baby. I figured it would be even more magical and empowering, because it would be at home, dh would have more experience with helping me in labor, etc.

Well, the birth went so darn quickly, things didn't quite happen that way. Dh was there helping me as he could, but he was also running around like a chicken with its head cut off, fetching things and filling up the birth pool (all at my request). We had all kinds of help lined up, and they all got here just in time. The baby was crowning before even I realized it, so there was no time for holding dh's hand, dancing with him, smooching together during labor, or any of the other little moments I envisioned.

Instead, there was dh leaping onto the sink to get over my mom, friend, and myself as the baby was crowning. Then, when I asked him if he "had it," he was messing with the olive oil I'd asked for earlier, and was quite shocked to look down and see our baby's head being born. He forgot all about wanting to "catch" and was quite relieved that our mw showed up right then!

It wasn't exactly the spiritually bonding epiphany I was expecting... but it was a wonderful birth, and I wouldn't change one wondrous, comedic moment! I kind of "missed" that spiritual awakening right at birth. It took me several minutes for the miracle of it all to sink in.

Dh and I did not spend much actual time laboring together, but we've bonded multiple times since while laughing together over the olive oil incident. And there was just nothing like crawling into bed with my new baby, dh, and ds afterwards.

[cottonwood]

He might surprise you and really come through, but if I were you I would be ready to not be dependant on him for emotional support. Most men (heck, most people period) have a harder time showing emotion and being nurturing when they have an audience.

[Emilie]

I will say this- if you get a doula- your dh may not be there for you during your birth- he won't have to be! My dh is not that emotional( at all) and will NOT rub my back= hug me- touch me alot of the time- its just not his gig( I think he was left to cry as a babe) Anyhoo- he really steps up in labor and it has been a great growing experience.
It is amazing for it to just be us. We got the baby in there- we can get it out.
I love my memories of him rubbing my back- etc-
He was there for me.
Plus since you are at a birth center- ask the midwives to help coach him as to how to support you- they probally will anyhow,
Emilie
GOOD LUCK!

[Vasmommy]

I just googled up the birth center I'm guessing you're using. They state they offer a FREE post-partum doula (up to two hours) for qualifying families. I'd check into that for sure and take advantage of it if you can.

Now regarding the birth doula, see if the same doula program/company that this birth center uses might be able to offer free birth doula services. Or, talk to your CNM and see if she can recommend someone. They've got the connections and should be able to steer you in the right direction.

[aisraeltax]

i really never thought dh would be very supportive of me during birth and to be honest i was really really scared. he sounds just like your dh..he's an economist so those things are right up his alley.

but when it came to the birth of our son, he was there for most of the 30 something hours of my labor (he took a nap for a few hours with the mw b/c they were exhausted from 2-5 am..babe was born at 4ishpm that day). i was very surprised...he was very supportive...did exactly as i needed. he didnt know what i needed but once he was told, he did awesome. it was incredible!!!

[CalebsMama05]

my ex is terrible at communicating has no clue about anyone's emotional needs etc but he was at our ds#1's birth and although he was useless and did nothing to help ME he did get to see his first child & son be born and just hearing him talk about it (still!) makes me glad i let him be there. that said I did have my oldest sister for support for me even tho she wasn't all that great she was a lot better for ME then my ex.

[USAmma]

((HUGS))

My dh was not really into the whole birth thing. He slept through most of my first labor (epidural, so he said he was not needed and wanted to rest up while he could-- GRR!). For dd2's birth I didn't want to feel that lonely and unsupported even if I didn't need a labor coach with an epidural. So I hired a doula who I did trust fully, and invited two girlfriends along, too. They were great about keeping dh involved with everything and he enjoyed the birth a lot more than he probably thought he would. And I felt that if decided not to get the epi or if it didn't work, I had my doula as back up. (Kinda regretting the epi now that I know how easy the birth was, but hindsight is 20/20).

Anyway, I would not expect him to be more than he is. You will be a lot less worried about the support issue if you hire a doula and/or bring along a sister, friend, or someone you trust.

[MommyTorf]

My DP is no way, shape or form crunchy. Most of the time he thinks I'm insane.

During my pregnancy, he went to ALL of OB appts. He even left work if he had to.

We did the hospital sponsored birth-prep classes and I could tell that he was very uncomfortable. During the hospital tour, they took us into a delivery room and showed us all the "bells and whistles", including the mirror that comes out of the ceiling (so mom can watch). He asked me to "please PLEASE" not use the mirror when the time came.

As it turned out, he was VERY supportive during the delivery. He reminded the nurse that I wanted a natural birth and she helped him coach me (before, he was sure I was gonna cave and get meds). He even watched the actual delivery! He later said that he thought it was gonna be gross, but when it came down to it, it was actually really cool.

The funny thing is, we're AP and he doesn't even realize it! If I put that label on it, he would cringe and argue with me. I guess that men just have a harder time admitting that all of this non-mainstream "hippie" (as he calls it) stuff works.

[hypatia]

I did Hypnobabies with #2, and I was so busy concentrating I didn't need my DH to support me.

[Quagmire]

I will be interested to see how my DH does. With our first DD I had an epidural so he slept while I watched tv. When DD was born he held my legs and watched everything but was pretty quiet (we had a bossy doctor).

This time will be in a birth center with a midwife and no drugs so I'm sure I'll need all the support I can get! He's a quiet sort, but he's good at doing what needs to get done so I'll bet he'll do great. I'm pretty good at communicating what I want too

[myniyer]

My DH is also a scientist and not particularly apt to wear his emotion on his sleeve. But at DD's birth he was my strongest, fiercest advocate. He met my needs as best he could, neglecting his own to do so (at our forced transfer to the hospital he was still in his wet swim-trunks from the birth pool and didn't take the time to change - he ended up wearing these for hours). His cool, calm demeanor turned out to be an asset as he was able to defend me from the medical vultures better than any highly emotional soul would have been. I had so many worries before the birth about whether he would be there for me - but looking back I don't know what I would have done without him.

It's all in how you look at it. I suggest you change your way of thinking about your DH and turn his weakness in your mind into an asset. He may not fulfill exactly the role you are wanting now, but he will bring his own strengths to the birth which may end up being incredibly valuable. In the meantime, look for someone who can support both of you in the way in which you are hoping to get. The Arizona Birth Network may be able to refer you to a doula who will do your birth for free. Good luck!

[orangebird]

If you feel like you need that kind of support I second the doula suggestion. I don't like any labor support when I'm in labor. I tried to stay out of DH's line of sight when I was in labor, if he walked in the room I would just wish he'd hurry and leave. I am weird like that, I don't like feeling like anyone is looking at me. But I'm shy IRL too, like I can't have a party for myself, don't like being the center of attention, etc. I'd take your DH to the class but if it really isn't in his nature to give you the kind of support you need, hire a doula. If he somehow steps up to the plate the doula will know to back off and let your DH support you, YK?

[mothragirl]

our MWs left us alone except for hourly heartbeat checks for most of my labor so my boyfriend had no choice but to be there for me. he went with the flow and it worked out great!