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40+ and TTC SPRING on over!! - Page 56

post #1101 of 1257
Thanks Velveteen I am so glad I have this group to come to . I know you all understand.
Catrinel it sounds liek you were just very relaxed.
post #1102 of 1257
Hi everyone. We've been very inactive this past week, so here's our bump! In New England we had a whopper of a storm last week. High winds, lots of rain, flooding, huge trees uprooted, power outages, etc. I believe we're getting FEMA assistance due to the extensive damage. I lost power for a day, and my place is still a bit damp in the basement but otherwise no major issues.

I am so excited - this is the first month in a while since I've had a visible temperature shift! Check out my chart - I got (dotted) cross hairs!!! (But I didn't ttc, though). If I get a chance with my absurdly busy work schedule, I'm going to try to get a progesterone test to see if I ovulated. In any event, my temp shift makes things look / feel a lot more promising.

How are our pregnant friends doing? What about everyone else - the frustrated ttc-ers with non-ttc challenges, too? I miss the regular chatting that we all did last year. Speaking for myself, I just don't have as much time to check in, but it doesn't mean that I don't care. I still miss you all!
post #1103 of 1257
It's looking good, MsGB! I hope you're able to get the progesterone test. I was positively thrilled to get crosshairs again for my last cycle and it seemed so serendipitous that KD called out of the blue on a day when I had major (for me) EWCM.

I'm frustrated that I don't have crosshairs yet for this cycle:

my chart

and keep flipping back and forth from calling my darkest OPK (on CD11) positive, because it was the darkest for this cycle, or negative, because it wsn't quite as dark as the test line.

Me and OPKs!

I'm going to try to avoid pee sticks altogether in May because there isn't much I can do about them. KD is coming up on a weekend and it's a choice between one that is a bit early for comfort (but perfect girl time according to Shettles) or one that is defjnitely too late, so I'm just going to be happy taking my chances however slim they may be and leaving it up to the universe.

Nothing has gotten better with ds. If I let this destroy me, then he has zero chance of ever growing up to be a decent human being. If I go on and live my life the best way I know how, then someday he will look at me and look at exy and see the truth about who his parents are.

dd is taking the summer off from college and I am taking the summer "on" regardless of the outcome with KD; my mind is completely rotting with no homeschooled kid and I always said I was going back for my BA when the "baby" was old enough.

She thinks she's old enough to pay for my tuition, but she's not all that great about budgetting for rent, bus passes, and groceries yet.
post #1104 of 1257
Thread Starter 
Noordinaryspider: I just watched your YouTube; I don't know what is going on but I want you to know I care. You are in my thoughts.

MsGoodbuns, this sounds good! I too miss our more frequent conversations.
I guess I'm one of those frustrated ttc'rs, because I now realize at my age that I have to take the focus off of it and onto other things.
I'm actually trying to do some self improvement, so even if I never do get pg again, I can at least look good!!
post #1105 of 1257
Hi Spider,

My thoughts are often with you, too. You can only control your own actions and your responses to other's actions. DS will find his own way eventually. I obviously don't know the story, but if he's blaming you and his dad for things in his life, he's just not ready to take the bull by the horns and create his own destiny and cherish you for you and what you bring to his life. Just keep letting him know that he is loved, and someday he will hear it and accept is as true.

I think it's great that you're considering going back to school. It's a tough road, more b/c of the time and energy commitment than anything else, but you'll probably really enjoy the learning experience as an adult.

Good luck with your cycle & ttc attempt. I'm still holding off until I've been in my job for 3 months (June), so that I can qualify for FMLA if I'm fortunate enough to become pregnant. Although I'd love to ttc by bd'ing with one of the younger cuties I've recently met! Let's see if they're still around in June....

Velvet, it's good to hear from you. I know what you mean about staying busy. I'm also super busy with life (work, the house, tenants, gardening, etc), but I think it helps not to be so focused on ttc sometimes. Last year it seemed to take over my life!!! I'm sure that you're beautiful already, so enjoy the self improvement for the sake of feeling healthier inside and out.

All my best,
Ms GB
post #1106 of 1257
Hi Ladies,




Out of sight is not out of mind.


You are all in my prayers and thoughts.


post #1107 of 1257
I'm still lurking too.

I've begun wieght watchers and it's working. Possibly my fertility will return:

There seems to be something in the water around here. Pregnant women are coming out of the woodwork: I hope I'm drinking the right water

post #1108 of 1257
Not much to say here, just "hello" to keep the thread going. I had gum surgery today (yuck), scheduled for a day I knew I wouldn't be pregnant. Sigh. But now I move on from this to thinking about the BD marathon-to-be next week, and hoping again for a pregnancy.

Spider, good luck with KD and your cycle, and enjoy college. I am sorry about ds.
post #1109 of 1257
Juneau how are you doing after your surgery?

Just want to let you gals know I turn 44 tomorrow. I think this is the first birthday I have ever really had any negative emotion about. Turning 30 & 40 was nothing to me. I have never been hung up on age. This one just feels different.
post #1110 of 1257
Hi massaginmommy : I know you have mixed emotions, but I hope you have a great day. I'll be 44 before I give birth, should I be lucky enough to get pregnant again.

Thanks for asking about my surgery. It's still healing but I'm feeling a lot better. New (temp) crown tomorrow.

I think I'm O'ing today. I feel pretty good about that.

The weather's absolutely gorgeous here; I hope it is wherever you all are too!
post #1111 of 1257
I am lurking out here but wanted to check in. Sending lots of babydust to all of you wonderful women.
post #1112 of 1257
Happy Birthday wishes to Massaginmommy
post #1113 of 1257
Quote:
Originally Posted by massaginmommy View Post
Juneau how are you doing after your surgery?

Just want to let you gals know I turn 44 tomorrow. I think this is the first birthday I have ever really had any negative emotion about. Turning 30 & 40 was nothing to me. I have never been hung up on age. This one just feels different.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
post #1114 of 1257
Thanks Ladies. I am feeling better today about it. I have a wonderful familyand lots of good friends sending me cards and singing to me. My 4 yo wants to bake me a cake That should be lots of fun today.
post #1115 of 1257
Quote:
Originally Posted by massaginmommy View Post
Thanks Ladies. I am feeling better today about it. I have a wonderful familyand lots of good friends sending me cards and singing to me. My 4 yo wants to bake me a cake That should be lots of fun today.
You made me giggle just thinking about a 4-year-old baking a cake! That does sound like fun!
post #1116 of 1257
Happy birthday, Laurie! Oh, just the thought of a four year old baking a cake brings back such wonderful memories. My kiddo(s) can throw together a fairly normal cake out of next to nothing these days and have it waiting for me when I get home from work at midnight, but I miss the mess and the wonder and the excitement of the younger kidlets.

I wanted to pass along some observations/words of wisdom that a dear friend shared with me on a feminism forum. She was also TTC in her 40s, but things did not go as well for her as they have for many of us. She was ultimately able to adopt, and would not trade her now-nine-year-old for the world, but she says that the intense feelings of baby hunger did go away. They didn't fade as she slowly learned to accept the inevitable and face disappointment, though, she says. For her, it was more like a storm or those horrible fevers my ds used to get when he was about Rab's age: they got worse and worse and worse and then suddenly they were gone, as if a fever had broken.

That was when the adoption agency called my friend.

I have tried to be very aware of enjoying every step of this last possibility I am allowing myself. I am enjoying every single coincidence the universe throws out that my superstitious side could consider a "sign". For most of this cycle, I had been under the impression that KD's visit was really going to be a bit early, but that the silver lining to the cloud was that the timing would be perfect yto try to conceive a girl by Shettles.

Dumb me had the calendar program on my main computer set to the wrong year, it turns out, and in reality the timing is PERFECT for any child. That day I kept seeing the most beautiful little boys everywhere I went and my fear of raising a son by myself completely evaporated.

The day I popped a money order for KD's transportation expenses in the mail, I saw pregnant women everywhere after going months without seing a single one.

I had to double check to confirm, but yes, my insem day is Mother's Day.

None of these things mean anything and KD could still turn out to be a scam artist who pockets the money order and dissapears, but this "episode" feels so right to me, something that I have to do before I can let go of these feelings and let go of my identity as a mother and let things rest.

I didn't exactly promise dd that this would be my last attempt, but I do feel that I will not be devastated no matter what the outcome is and I am able to see that the money I'm pouring into this could also go towards tuition and I'm remembering that I always planned to go back and finish my BA "when the baby is old enough", even though old enough gradually changed from six weeks after the birth to when she was done nursing to when she was done homeschooling.

I don't want to be done being a mother, but if I am, there are still some half-finished dreams covered with dust that fell to the very back shelf in the closet of my mind many years ago.

The funny thing is that my ignorant high-school-dropout/Associate's degree from a community college self can't seem to explain to my friends that I CAN'T follow their advice about finding financial aid for grad school because I never finished my undergraduate work!
post #1117 of 1257
Thread Starter 
Massagin; happy day!!!! I wanted to post the other day but my computer wouldn't let me. I turned 45 just recently and it felt like a landmark b-day to me, I said I would try till I was 45, fully expectig at least one baby but more likely two in that time!!

Noordinaryspider: your post is so very well-worded. You say a lot of things in there that I feel too.
Your friends observations are very insightful, I would say if I had the right words exactly what she said! For the past 3 years I have been focused, focused and longing and longing for another child. I wondered how I would ever deal with it if it did not come to pass. I have done every thing, learned everything and spent everything trying in these last 3 years.
I wondered how you 'gave up' ttc, when it didn't seem to be in my vocabulary, and mothering was what I wanted to do and do best.

someone put it very well when they said they gave up a little at a time. Eventually, I stopped temping, stopped following my fertility signs quite so obsessively.
I still TTC mind you, on the off chance that I might conceive, but I don't feel the same pain I used to, the very same longing.
Those cobwebs of personal dreams have been dusted off a little, I've taken a look at them and set some goals for myself.

Now let it be said that I haven't given up and I probably never will, but that same intensity is gone now, I feel like I can cope with this loss~ this loss of this particular dream.

TTC in your 40's is hard, I expected it to be, but I sure have made some nice friends along the way, and you just never know if another babe will meet me.
post #1118 of 1257
Thanks, noordinaryspider, for such a nice, long, and introspective note. Your cataloguing of positive signs is inspiring! I looked at the calendar and realized that if I did O today, my FF test day would be May 14, which means that actually AF is due on Mother's day... SO, if I actually do concieve this cycle I might know by Mother's day. That would be neat.

I am older than you and yet I went so many years without being a mother. I have an advanced degree and waited to ttc (the first time) until my husband finished his advanced degree, and I was 35. After five years of TTC without success I started to positively dread Mother's Day. I went of out my way to hide and just prayed to get through the day.

The first Mother's Day when I was actually a mom (2005) was such a joy. I basked in it. And in 2006 I was pregnant again. Wouldn't it be great to be expecting again this Mother's Day?

I am so thankful to have a little one in my life now. When she is your dd's age there won't be any hope of having another baby of my own -- I'll be almost 60! So I just try to enjoy each day, and savor it, without trying to hold on.

Good luck with your cycle. I will cross all my fingers and toes and send positive thoughts your way that it will all work out the way you hope.
post #1119 of 1257
Quote:
Originally Posted by Velveteen View Post
I guess I'm one of those frustrated ttc'rs, because I now realize at my age that I have to take the focus off of it and onto other things.
I'm actually trying to do some self improvement, so even if I never do get pg again, I can at least look good!!
Hey all! It's been A LONG time since I posted here. I can totally relate, Velveteen! I am halfway through 43, and my periods are getting weird. I used to be so regular, every 28 days, never changed. The past 6 or 8 months, it's been different. Sometimes 24 days, sometimes 31, who knows when the old hag will show? And ovulation isn't so clear as it used to be. I am really starting to believe that my fertile years are over and done with. I was just looking through some old pics and found one of me hugely pg w/ my now 5-1/2 yr old. It was very painful, feeling that that phase of my life is gone forever. It is sad, but I HAVE to move on. It's part of the cycle of life, and I've been blessed w/ 4 great girls, and now it's time to move on to the next phase of life. So I too am working on self-improvement. I've lost some more weight; now I'm about 8 lbs away from my goal. I look better than I did before, but damn, there's some serious sagging going on here. Everything seems to be heading south.

I still hope for a baby. Maybe, just maybe, it's not too late.

Liz
post #1120 of 1257
Thread Starter 
mama4gals;
It was so good to hear from you! that next phase of life is hard for me too..maybe, just maybe its not too late for either one of us.
How much weight have you lost? I am so jealous.
I went to my very first 'abs' class today, and let me tell you, these abs havent seen any action for a long time!
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