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How do you tell your dh you want to ttc when you know he doesn't want to??

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I know dh doesn't want another babe. But I really do. I know we've been talking vasectomy and everything but I still want another.

I don't know why I'm even afraid to bring it up!
post #2 of 12
From my experience, crying hysterically works really well
post #3 of 12
yeah, crying does work.

actually, what has worked for me has always been a really emotional discussion with a more logical follow-up. the logical follow-up actually works better with my dh. i wrote him a letter detailing all the reasons i was ready to start trying earlier than we had planned. then i asked him to reply to me, either in a letter or in person, with all the reasons he wasn't ready. then we discussed it again.

yours is kind of a different situation though if he doesn't want any more at all and you do. i think you need to have a talk about it asap, especially if he is considering a vasectomy. at least he could agree to wait. at most you could convince him to start ttc.

good luck and keep us posted.
post #4 of 12
Yes the emotional waterworks softens them up. We weren't supposed to start trying until my birthday (which is next week) and here I sit 10 weeks pregnant! Of course I wasn't convincing him to have kids when he didn't want, just a couple of months earlier to start trying...
post #5 of 12
Thread Starter 
Well, we had the "talk" and he said he could not handle going through another pg and another child. I'm not sure why though.

I told him that if he were to get tired of using bc...condoms spermicide....that I would be fine with that. And he shook his head no and then we talked about it. The only thing I can think of is that his heart will need to be softened. I'm praying HARD ladies!!
post #6 of 12
He is probably just scared.He was hurt by the miscarraige and it probably tore him apart to see how hurt you were. maybe with some more time to heal he will come around (in the meantime i will be praying for you). What worked with us is dh and I were talking about something and I mentioned that my biggest regret in life would be not having more children. that i would never get over it and it would taint anything else we ever did. i wasn't lying just to get him to fork over the sperm. it was true. i would never feel completely -----something I can't think of what, unless I could have this family that I wanted. It is hard to explain. It has a lot to do with why he doesn't want anymore. He thinks we are going to do all this fun stuff that our childless friends do and I would never be happy doing those things if I knew it came at the expense of what I really wanted another child. He sees children as an expense and something that makes me crazy, i see them as my whole life. And i told him that and I guess it made an impoact because before we ever talked about it I was pg again. i promised him this was it but I already want another one so bad. I am praying I will get preg before my AF comes back, before he remembers that in the middle of my misreable preg. i agreed to the vesectomy with a smile on my face, before we even knew what hit us.
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
I told him that if any point in time he wanted to forget the bc I'd be fine.

He won't even talk about it with me. I'm not sure why. I guess he wants me to accept what he said and not to question it.

I don't want another baby if he doesn't...I do but I would hate to "talk him into it" ya know.

But I did tell him that if he wanted to use bc it was all on him. if he forgot then I'm not bringing it up!
post #8 of 12
I don't know how old you are, but if you don't have to worry about your biological clock yet maybe it would be better to give it a bit more time. (I know that's hard). Your little one is still a baby, really, so your dh might just take longer than you to be emotionally ready to do it all again. And he probably is afraid of you havifg another miscarriage and wanting to put that pain behind him. Maybe he just needs a little breathing space?

Deciding to have a baby is such a big deal, after all, and I know that I wouldn't want to feel I was being pressured into it - that would make me dig my heels in and refuse to even discuss it. Do you know what I mean - maybe he's saying "never" when he really means "definitely not right now". :

Perhaps you could say to him, well even though I really want this I understand that you don't want us to try for another baby now, but I'd like to talk about it again in six months time (or even a year's time). By then he might feel differently.
post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 
in all honesty...he is saying never and I'm almost positive he means it.

We are still young...24 and 23..but we said that if we had 2 children we wanted them close in age. Like within 2 yrs of each other...that time is dwindling since ds is almost 1.....
post #10 of 12
My DH and I just had this talk just this morning he really didnt want another one but I just told them this is something that I want and will keep bringing it up Iam going to fight to have another baby. and I did start crying and then we started to talk and well we will start trying for number three in August I wish it was sooner but hey I got him to agree on having another baby so I will not complain there. I guess just tell your DH how you feel on the matter.

post #11 of 12
my perspective FWIW

what is it that yr dh found/finds so traumatic about pregnancy and small-baby-business?? (apart from the trauma of yr recent m/c that is)

when we didn't conceive for years after ds1 was born I was totally torn up with baby hunger, I know just what that feels like, but my dh wouldn't even begin to touch the subject. It took till ds1 was 4 (and prompted by a major marriage trauma) for dh to come clean with his feelings about my pregnancy with ds1 and the subsequent changes in our lives, how hard he found it to love ds when I was so altered by the events of his conception and birth starting from the 2 m/c we had before ds1, and more (deep anguish around ds having the same sort of health problems dh suffered as a kid)

if our lives had been run by his fear and pain we would never have ds2, who dh loved readily from birth, he would never have found that pure place to love his children from (if that makes sense) and we certainly wouldn't be having dc3 in a few months

parenting and all the stuff that comes with it can be so confronting. Most men I know hate having their own issues in their face in the way parenting etc tends to do - most women I know prefer to pick up the challenge and learn something important

so I agree with lilyka and nomadic - give him some time and space. Even if you think a 2 yr gap is the best for your kids, "fate" or whatever you like to call it may well have other plans. And give yourself some time too - you are still in recovery from yr m/c and you have a young baby, that's a lot to deal with
post #12 of 12
If you look at my sig line you can see that I had to wait many years until my dh was ready for #2. BTW, There are some really great things about a big age difference between kiddos. You both are young and have plenty of time, so, try to relax and give your dh some time to come around to having another kiddo - my dh is an only child and was truly dead set on having one, but, he eventually came around (after one particulary well-timed crying fit!).
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