She's driving me crazy these days

[Calidris]

DD is making me insane at the moment. I know its just the 2 year old thing (she's 26 months now), but I'm probably missing some coping strategies that're making the whole thing worse.
She is soo whiny, she will collapse in tears for any little thing, if I don't do something "right" (whatever right is, in her mind, I usually have no idea), if I say no about something (and by 2 sometimes you HAVE to say no), and they are very fake tears, I know she is expressing how she feels, so they aren't really fake, but they sound forced. I did fine with the infant stage (seriously, the first time I ever heard much crying from her was when she started to walk and fell down a lot), one to two was a joy (at least in retrospect) and when I lost focus sometimes I could step back and eventually figure it out. But this is all new and I suck at it. I suck at mothering at the moment , I'm not spending enough time with her, I stick her in front of the tv for peace way too much (mostly because she is begging for tv mind you, it's almost never my idea).
She speaks so well, and understands so much, so it isn't expression/communication, but when she loses it so do I (sometimes) I end up yelling at her and really frustrated. I just don't know how to respond.
I need ideas, I'm sure I'm just missing something.
How should I respond to her collapse in tears "tantrums"? I am mostly giving her a moment then hugging, empathising, holding (after a moment of crying she usally starts saying (crying/whining) "I want to go my mummy" anyway) but I'm not sure what message I am sending by doing that anymore, it certainly hasn't lessened the behaviour.
How do I deal with the super demanding behaviour, "I want it!!!" is her response to everything. I know it's normal to want whatever I have, but if I refuse her or even ask her to wait a moment, its the whole collapse into tears thing again. I don't want to give in all the time to every tantrum, I want her to understand that sometimes she can't have what she wants (rarely mind you and usually with good reason).

[Twocoolboys]

You have my support! It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job! I have found with each of my boys that when they have a big jump in skills of any sort or language, that it takes ME a while to catch up - lol. I get really good at one form of parenting and then, all of a sudden find that my age specific skills are not working what so ever. (Just went through this, actually).

I usually end up having a "light bulb moment" and adjust and just when I am getting it and doing really well again, they go and grow up a little more! Then, I become a putz again - lol!

Now, to the matter at hand. I think she sounds like she's bored. It sounds like you have a very smart, articulate little girl on your hands and she is spending a lot of time in front of the tv. ( I also just went through this with my ds, so I understand the need to find some peace when you don't know what to do with them). My solution was to plan activities with him that keep him engaged. 15 minutes of play-doh time at the table in the morning with me, reading more, bike rides, block building time, etc. Something really different and cool like getting to scribble with markers all over a cardboard box. Anything sensory and anything that is one-on-one with you. I know that just 15 minutes throughout the day has big payoffs.

Good luck!

[luv my 2 sweeties]

My older child is a whiner, and my youner one an angry tantrum thrower. Let me tell you, the angry tantrums are easier to deal with! (For someone of my temperment, anyway.)

I agree with Barb, that she probably needs some alternatives to the TV. I, too have been known to use TV to get some "me time" or some peace, but I've discovered a link between *excessive* TV watching and irritating/irritated behavior in my kids. More so in my ds, so I think it varies by child. What constitutes excessive probably varies by child as well, but for a 26 month old, it wouldn't take much to cross that line for most kids. In any case, cutting out the TV for a while, then allowing it back in smaller doses is certainly something to try. In my experience, it's easier with a toddler to just make the TV disappear for about a week. If it was there, my ds would beg and beg every day. When we took it down, he asked about it frequently the first day, and even got a little mad about it being gone. However, since I wasn't saying "no", but rather "We *can't* watch it -- the TV had to go away for a while", there wasn't really much to beg for, kwim? It wasn't about changing my mind. (This is the advantage with very little kids over older kids, who *know* that you could put the TV back up if you wanted to! ) After the first couple of days, he stopped asking for it very much. After about a week, we put it back up. It was easier to set limits at that point, because 1/2 hour of TV was more than he was getting before, not less.

I also sympathize with feeling like you are not doing so well at this. I have periods like that too. Are you getting enough sleep? I notice a *huge* difference in my parenting ability depending on how much sleep I've had. I'm usually more or less the parent I want to be if I'm well rested. Mild sleep deprivation makes me irritable, and prone to raising my voice too much. When seriously sleep deprived, I'm a humorless nag with a tendency to guilt-trip people.

I don't have specific advice to share for dealing with your dd's specific behaviors. I don't feel on solid enough ground to do that. But I've found that when I'm having trouble across the board with the kids (as opposed to with a single issue such as hitting), then the solution is more about changing the general atmosphere at home -- our habits, our routines, my sleep, their sleep, cutting back on tv, whatever. Hang in there! You'll get over this bump on your parenting journey and be stronger and more skilled to handle the bumps to come.

[Calidris]

You know, you both have really good points. Thanks so much, sometimes a little perspective makes all the difference.
I'm off to get some of that sleep I have been missing (right on target lm2s) and think about this.

[minicooper]

I hear you! My son is the same way right now. I am reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen and he has some awesome ideas in there.

I make everything into a game or just be goofy these days just to avoid his "two'ness". I've been trying to make things fun for a while now and all it takes is a look or a certain phrase to make him be distracted and start smiling at me. Then I chase him around the room and we wrestle and usually end up cuddling or reading or something.

I really like the theory that Lawrence Cohen talks about in his book - that kids have internal cups that need to be filled on a regular basis and they need the contact, support, love, food, fun from their parents to fill it up. He goes into a bunch of different scenarios about kids who's cups are leaky or who constantly need top ups and how to deal with it. I'm not done the book yet but let me tell you that spending time playing (what and how they want to play) ends up paying off in the long run and he will even play by himself for quite awhile before coming to me for a cup fill up lol and when he does and I give him my full attention things go really well.

Another thing that clicked with me in the book was when he talks about how parents get annoyed or are unavailable when the child needs to connect, or comes to them for something while they are busy but we expect them to be available when we want to connect with them.

I'm still working on it, every day. Some days are worse than others but the days that I mentally prepare myself to 'playful parent' go so much smoother and he's so much happier, even if I am exhausted by the end of it. We end up closer and he is then more than willing to 'go with me' on the things that I want to do or need to do.

Parenting is a lot of work isn't it? I don't think my parents worked this hard on us kids - we try to treat them like we want to be treated, try to meet all of their challenges with understanding and get upset when we can't figure something out and it makes for so much more work than mainstream or previous generations parents. Not that they didn't or don't work less, it's just different. Like that saying... Ignorance is Bliss.

It takes a lot to try and understand and work with our kids. It's so great that you are trying to find a solution. I will definately be subbing to this thread so that I can get some other ideas as well. I SO agree with the sleep deprivation that luv my 2 sweeties mentioned... I am not a happy camper when I don't sleep enough and I really really have to use all of my energy to get through the day with him - which is hard when you need sleep to have that energy. On the bad days sometimes I have a nap with him when he has his - even though I take about thirty mins to an hour to 'wake up' after a mid afternoon nap. I hate that groggy time after a two hour nap.

One common thing that I do when Kaius wants something he can't have and I've told him no and the reason why, explaining and explaining and won't leave it alone is that I say 'what?' in a playful way and then when he asks again I say 'what?' again even more exagerated and a bit louder and then he starts smiling and will say it just to say it so that I will say 'what' and then the chasing ensues lol and he forgets all about whatever it was he wanted but couldn't have.

Sorry I'm rambling but we are going through the same thing right now and I am also trying to work through things. I love him to death but sometimes parenting is frustrating - I keep thinking that if I handle these types of things well now then it will pay off in the long run. That helps sometimes. I just hope I'm right lol

Let us know if you found something that works for you - I'm all for new ideas and trying new things.