Birthday Party Left Out

[Tortuga Mama]

My dd invited a classmate and friend to her birthday party in the fall and was not invited to his small birthday party last month. Her best friend was among the four kids invited although both are equally friends with him. My dd was hurt to not be included when she found out from her best friend about the party. Not sure if there had actually been a party, I asked the boy's mom if he was having a birthday party that year (dd was invited last year.) She said no, he wasn't having a party, they just brought cupcakes to school. I figured it was just child invented party (all the girls have a crush on this boy) so told my daughter perhaps it had been a playdate, but there was no party she wasn't invited to. A few weeks later I found out there had been a small party (my dd and best friend were arguing about it) and my dd felt hurt all over again. My question is, I am irritated and hurt that the mom lied to me about it because I would never do that to another adult. I am not worried about dd not being invited, just had planned to help her process through the feelings of being left out, etc. and then didn't do that and told her it hadn't happened after talking to the mom. When I found out it did happen I talked with my dd about not always being invited to every party, not always going to the same parties friends are invited to, about party invitations not being a sign of popularity or having friends, etc. Would you say anything to the mom? I had considered her a friend and will have contact with her for the next four years our kids are in school together, but I am really hurt and upset that she was not honest with me. I have considered telling her what happened and using the "i" message to convey that it hurt my feelings that she was not honest with me. Anyway, I don't want to be labeled as the mom-who-needs-her-child-invited-to-all-events but at the same time I would appreciate someone being honest with me so I can help guide my child through her feelings. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.

[Maggi315]

I try not to get upset about birthdays. We usually invite the whole class or sometimes just all the girls. That way, no one's feelings are hurt. But sometimes other moms just want a small party and limit the amount of kids to invite. So I don't take it personally and tell my kids not to when they are not invited somewhere. It's hard to limit friends and come up with only a couple. And depending on the age, it might be a new "best" friend daily and who's in/out might change daily.

The mom may have been embarassed or think she would be hurting your feelings, so she lied. Again, I wouldn't really take it too personally. There will be plenty of things like this as they go through school, unfortunately.

[Tracy]

I really think that use of the word 'party' can be very liberal.
In my own case last year I had 3 of my friends son join us for a subway ride and lunch with cake. In my mind it was not a party. It was lunch and cake. but when the parents of the 3 friends talk about it they say, how much fun they had at my son's 'party'. but I really don't consider it a party. And especially in comparison to PARTIES that I have been with his classmates.

anyway, I say all that to say, I'm not so sure the friend lied to you.

I personally would not say anything. And by the way, my son has not been invited to a lot of parties. It can be hard but on the bigger picture, I totally understand it.

just my thought.

[annakiss]

Moved to Parenting...

[Jish]

I personally think that asking about whether he was having a party was sort of like asking whether your dd was going to be invited. I think it's sort of a tough position to put the other mother in. If they were just inviting a few friends over to play, I wouldn't consider it a party, but even if they did have a party but limited the number of people the ds was allowed to invite, imagine how uncomfortable a position you put this mother in having to explain -- Yes, we are having a party, but ds can only invite 4 people and he chose, X, X, X, and X. Then she probably feels like she needs to come up with some sort of explanation as to why your dd wasn't chosen, when there likely really isn't one, or she has to invite your dd now that you asked.

My ds will turn 8 in a few weeks and we are letting him choose 2 (maybe 3) friends to do something with. He has many good friends that he would choose to invite if we would let him have a big party. The three kids that he has mentioned he would like to invite are good friends, but I was a bit surprised that he left a couple out and chose a couple of the ones that he did. For him, a lot of it has to do with who is in this group that is playing a particular game at recess at school. I'm guessing that if I had asked him last month, there would have been some name differences, because there was a different game going on for a few weeks with different players. Next month would probably be different too.

Ds seldom gets upset when he isn't invited to parties because A.) now that he's in 2nd grade, the days of everyone having a huge party are over. Now people have smaller parties so we get less invites. And B.) Ds understands that though he can only invite so many people to his party, it doesn't mean that he isn't close friends with many other kids too. He now also sees how this applies in reverse.

Yeah, the first party he wasn't invited to sucked, but he caught on pretty quick. Frankly, I'm happy not to have to work our schedule around all those parties, and buy all those gifts. Of course ds2 starts kindergarten in the fall so it will start all over with him.

[MamaBug]

I think that you are within your rights to talk to the mother, just make sure that your not upset about not getting an invite, tell her you understand that there are limits on parties and kids have to choose who they want there. However it upset you to find out she lied, as you really want to have the right tools to explain things to your dd. If she gets upset so be it, you have a right to your feelings.

I know it stinks for you dc not to get an invite, but unfortunately sometimes a child can only invite so many kids and someone has to be left out. For instance my boys just had a party at an AHL hockey game and they could each only invite 5 friends. This was a hard decision, but I could not afford more then that. I try to tell myself that it saves me time and money. I also try to remind my ds " Remember when you had your hockey party and you could only have x amount of kids, well it does not mean they don't like you only that they invited those kids they see the most" They are usually fine with this. Thankfully my oldest is almost 8 and does not really seem to care, unless the kids are talking about it at school, and the 5 year old does not even know when he's not invited. I wish birthday parties didn't exist, you don't want to upset anyone, you feel bad saying no your child wasn't invited and it does feel like a popularity contest even though it isn't one. Sorry your dd was hurt

[Tortuga Mama]

thanks all, I did wind up talking with the mom since we are friends. She hadn't really seen it as a party and hadn't labeled it as such with her child, the kids and other parents labeled it like that, so she did feel weird. It was good we talked so both of us were able to discuss feeling strange about the situation. Yes, I had thought it was a good life lesson and wasn't upset about the invite, just was upset b/c I wanted to help dd process feeling left out. As it turns out my dd is fine with all of it now and was actually upset that her best friend had been invited rather than my first take on the situation, that she was upset about not getting an invite herself - would have been fine to not be invited as long as the best friend wasn't either - a whole other set of discussions! I really liked the suggestion about explaining that just b/c you don't invite someone or someone doesn't invite you doesn't mean you aren't good friends - reminded me that you have playdates with different people on different days but are friends with all.

[Monkeyfeet]

Glad it worked out!