I need HELP with sibling issues...big time!

[NHmomOF2]

Disclaimer: It is late. I'm tired. I'm pregnant and my thought processes are lacking cohesiveness, if that's even a word, so please bear with me here...

My son is 3.9 years old and has a sister who just turned 2 (they are 21 months apart). My son is extremely high energy, intense and is prone to emotional meltdowns frequently thoughout the day. (And in his defense, he is also bright, eager to learn, sensitive, shy, funny and can be a loving, snuggly little boy when he wants to!)

The problem is that he is constantly directing all this energy at his sister in the form of teasing, grabbing, pushing and hitting. He is relentless and I swear, lives to hear her scream. I am 9 months pregnant and am at my breaking point for dealing with this behavior that doesn't cease no matter what I try.

And what have I tried? I read Siblings w/o Rivalry and went the talking-it-out route... validating his feelings, listening, accepting, yada, yada...to no avail. And I know not very GD of me, but we've tried time outs, taking things away, threats, room banishment, yelling etc... and of course it doesn't work. At this point I feel like he is happiest when my daughter (and therefore myself) are miserable.

Is this just attention-seeking behavior? Does he need more mommy time (I am already a SAHM)? Am I asking too much of him to keep his hands to himself?!?!

Please help...the hitting and pushing has got to STOP. What do I do??
Any and all advice, suggestions, criticisms are more than welcome!

[dillonandmarasmom]

oooohhh, I am so in the middle of that with my 3 year old ds and his 1 year old sis... , and I, too am watching your responses, cause I am out of patience at most times with him

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[abandbunk]

subscribing....i'm right there w/ya (minus the pregnant part) Ds is 3 1/2 and dd will be two next month *insert crazy smiley*

One thing i realized is that my ds needs "alone" time when his sister is not pestering him etc. so as often as i remember if he seems to be having a difficult time leaving her alone i will ask him "do you need some space?" becuz most of the time she is just as bad, it's just not in an obvious, aggressive way, she tends to just be annoying and clingy and won't let him do his own thing, which you have to face it, would drive anyone nuts, so he in retaliation is nasty towards her, blah blah blah

so to make a long story longer i let him play in his room or the hall way (w/a gate up to keep her out) w/his special trains, and she will usually get really PO'd and then come follow me to the kitchen to "help" me w/dinner or whatever i may be doing at the time.

Sorry that was so longwinded . i do have some more suggestions, but i will have to come back tomarrow and post them tomarrow, i have to go to bed.

[mamaduck]

Sibs w/o rivalry is more helpful for older kids.

With littles, you have to actively stay with them and prevent this stuff. But I understand the unrealistic aspect of this idea -- being pg. And soon with a new babe.

I would set maybe 3 or 4 very clear and very specific rules in place, and actively and consistantly remind and follow up re: the rules. I would probably make them very strict, considering the imminent arrival of a new baby, and I would make them very concrete to leave no room for confusion. Probably, I would say, "You are not allowed to touch your sister's body with any part of your body, unless you ask mommy first." And then other similar rules with concepts about throwing or teasing or whatever -- but break it down into very clear instructions. I may even write them down -- and show ds that the rules are in writing. Even if he cannot read, this somehow has an impact.

I think its important to remember that some of this is probably nerves (on your son's part) about the new baby.

[TeaBag]

I have a 7yr old, a 3.5 yr old and a 2.5 yr old. I so understand where you're coming from. I agree that you need to set down Very Simple Rules, and be consistent with them. It only needs to be a few rules, and they need to be simple enough for everyone to understand. Our key phrase is "Safety Rules Are Not Negotiable" and it applies ONLY to safety rules. You MUST ride in your carseat. You Must hold my hand while crossing the parking lot/street. And you MUST NOT hurt anyone else. Everything else is negotiable, but these simple rules are not. Now I"m not going to lie and say that it always works, there's always peace in our house, etc. But I will assert that if someone is hurting someone else, I say the key phrase, and the dynamics of the interaction change. Then it's easier to figure out who's upset about what, and the best way to help them resolve the issue.

Good Luck to you! and Congrats on your new Babe!

[NHmomOF2]

Ok, so I need to make my rules more specific... not just repeating "nobody hurts someone else in this house" over and over. But still, what do you go when the rule is broken?? What is the consequence? I don't how to get through to him that I really mean it! I am thisclose to tying his hands behind this back!!! Of course, even then I'm sure he'd miss the point and start using his feet!

I went to a lecture a few months ago that Naomi Aldort was giving and she was saying something similar to ApMom98: "Our key phrase is "Safety Rules Are Not Negotiable" and it applies ONLY to safety rules. You MUST ride in your carseat. You Must hold my hand while crossing the parking lot/street. And you MUST NOT hurt anyone else. Everything else is negotiable, but these simple rules are not."

Her take was, well your kid isn't running into the street every two seconds, right? Because he knows that is not negotiable, so apply the same thing to hitting/pushing/whatever... But the point I think she was missing was that running into the street, or not wearing your seatbelt or holding hands while crossing the road do not give my son the glee he gets in hitting and pushing and grabbing. He could care less about breaking other safety rules so there is nothing for me to apply to the physical bully-ing of his sister. He follows those other rules blindly...

No disrespect to Ms.Aldort but she was an excellent weasel when it came to concrete examples of what to do... "I want you to figure that out for yourself!" I guess it was my bad that I paid $75 looking for some answers!!

Anyway, didn't mean to go off on Naomi... I'm just at a complete loss for whatever the follow-through is that I need to do. And I get that at this age, constant supervision is ideal to prevent it in the first place but obviously that isn't always practical or possible and with baby #3 coming soon, I'll be even less able to jump up and intervene constantly.

[maya44]

Well my first qustion is: Is he really harming her? I don't mean annoying or causing some mild discomfort.

If it is true harm, then you need to keep the 2 y.o. out of his reach as much as possible. Never, ever leave the two of them alone. Have her in your arms if you stil can. If not with you on the couch with him on the floor. If she enjoys time in a high chair or play pak I would use that.

If he does try to even touch her then you need to immediately stop what you are doing. Hold his sholders gently, look him in the eye and say. "You may not touch your sister." Each and every time he tries to do it. If he laughts at you do not react. A VERY quitet, steely voiced "you know the rule, no hitting" can be more effective than any consequence.

HOWEVER, if it is not real harm, I would not get so involved. You can comfort her when she screams, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it with him. I wouldn't focus on him at all. And I wouldn't access blame or try to get him to say he was sorry.

I would definitely make clear that actions that could cause real harm will not be tolerated at all and WILL get blame accessed. Thus pushing sister near the stairs gets a "You can not push sister near the stairs. She could really get hurt." in a serious tone while comforting the baby.

A push on the soft rug though only results in a hug for baby and no particualar attention or inattention to your son.

Soon ennough she will learn to defend herself.

I HIGHLY recomend. "Mom Jason's breathing on me" by Anthony Wolf for a different take than SWOR on the sibling issue. But it too is for slightly older kids. But its worth a read for its very different philosophy.

[NHmomOF2]

You make a good point maya44. No, he isn't really harming her most of the time, I think. It's mostly pushing her down if she's trying to use something he wants, or grabbing things out of her hands that he either wants or just to do it to hear her scream. He has slapped her face though and that's something I just can't ignore.

When it's the pushing/grabbing sort of thing, I usually mediate by saying if he just asked her for whatever it is, she might give it to him nicely. And then we all role play that right then. Of course, the 2 year old is more likely to oblige when I'm there assisting (and she does sometimes still refuse) but more often she hands it over. It's just never the first thought that crosses my son's mind...to use calm words first.

I can see what you mean about not getting so involved but I fear allowing him to get away with the bullying will trigger the same behavior from my daughter who already tries to hit back at times. Ug.

I have that book you mentioned on my amazon list. Time to order it!

[mamaduck]

But still, what do you go when the rule is broken?? What is the consequence?

He is very close to an age where RULES ARE EVERYTHING in a child's mind. Just because something is a rule, it becomes meaningful and can be appealed to. In the meantime, consistantly removing and reminding and redirecting. Everytime.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by NHmomOF2

When it's the pushing/grabbing sort of thing, I usually mediate by saying if he just asked her for whatever it is, she might give it to him nicely. And then we all role play that right then. Of course, the 2 year old is more likely to oblige when I'm there assisting (and she does sometimes still refuse) but more often she hands it over. It's just never the first thought that crosses my son's mind...to use calm words first.

I can see what you mean about not getting so involved but I fear allowing him to get away with the bullying will trigger the same behavior from my daughter who already tries to hit back at times. Ug.

I have that book you mentioned on my amazon list. Time to order it!

Well I highly recomend you read the book. It might change your thinking.

And just so you know, for my family, the SWOR "mediating" was, while sounding wonderfull on paper was Exactly what caused MORE RIVALRY and fighting among my dd's.