AARGH...family stuff (very long rant) - Page 5

[Momtwice]

So their asking you to leave the room was "the straw that broke the camel's back." Makes perfect sense that it pushed your buttons.

[Meiri]

..."what are we going to do about that fat, breastfed baby?"

A fat healthy happy baby is a problem that something has to be done about her???

[poppymoon]

Do not budge on this! Do NOT go anywhere else to nurse, and if they have an issue with it, they can join you under your roof instead or not at all.

I understand that the desire to smooth it over with family is overwhelming, but this is a downward slope.

I did that with one, two, and when I decided that I was tired of pumping or hiding with three, everyone fell apart. "Well, I don't know why it suddenly has to change NOW. You were so discreet before." (BTW as to the latter, you cannot see a thing on me, I'm paricular about that. Evidently discreet = in another room.)

Do NOT let this go any further. "This is how Kaia eats, deal with it or see your grandaughter when she weans." And then for fun you can answer their inquiries with "Oh we believe in CLW. Hmmm? Oh it varies greatly, but on average anywhere from 3 to 8 years."

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Meiri

A fat healthy happy baby is a problem that something has to be done about her???

And yet these same people will fuss that "the baby needs 'real' food and should get some cake and soda!"

[EFmom]

I'm going to admit something here that will probably get me banned for life. I'm uncomfortable around women nursing babies, as is my dh. We feel awkward, no two ways about it.

However, we are adults. We have a right to be uncomfortable, but our discomfort is trumped every time by the baby's right to eat. So, we swallow our discomfort cheerfully and pretend that it doesn't exist. We entirely support a woman's right to bf and a baby's right to eat.

I know were this discomfort comes from. When we grew up, nobody we knew bf. We simply weren't exposed to it. We hope that our children don't have the same hangups.

Your inlaws are adults. The can feel as uneasy as they want to feel. That's OK. What's not OK is interfering with your right to feed your child however you want to do it.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I'm going to admit something here that will probably get me banned for life. I'm uncomfortable around women nursing babies, as is my dh. We feel awkward, no two ways about it...

I think you speak for many (most?) people, EFmom. People are just not used to seeing public frontal nudity in women. And the act of nursing is so gutteral - putting your mouth on another person's body and sucking liquid out - it's kind of freaky.

I think it's especially weird when it's someone you know - like a relative. I don't have a single relative I can think of whom I would want to see in any degree of nudity - period. But when a nursing mom does her thing, that CAN BE the consequence for anyone present who doesn't conciously avert their eyes the entire time. The exception is if mom is careful about shielding, of course.

I've tried to discuss this on another thread but the idea was just too offensive to the die hards. These moms were going to show the world their boob, their nipple, their rolls of belly fat, whatever the hell they wanted and everyone just had to deal with it. But to many folks, that feels like being subjected to indecent exposure.

I think if everyone just nurses in public long enough and openly enough most people will acclimate to it, and that this is what moms are trying to accomplish. That's fair. But in the meantime we're all still stuck with the reality that unsolicited viewing of breasts in public tends to freak out a lot of people (whether they say it or not).

[DeeEast]

Originally Posted by Victorian

personally, if someone insulted me so vastly (and to compare your breasts to playboy is insulting IMO), I would respond "see you when she weans".

V.

Frankly, if my own family didn't want me to feed my child in their presence then I wouldn't even want to see them after the child weans. Its so beyond outrageous to me that I would write them off until they came to their senses and have no problem whatsoever doing it.

[PennyRoo]

Kidspiration, I am coming in very late to this discussion, but I read every post. I had tears in my eyes as I read your heartfelt e-mails to FIL. Your love for your precious DD shines through your posts so clearly - it was wonderful to read. Good for you for taking a stance on this important issue. Would you think I was goofy if I said I view your responses and the stance you took as heroic?

I was amazed and moved to hear how your lovely, supportive DH described your discomfort post-surgery and how gamely you endured your pain to bring DD to his family. Wonderful, articulate messages you both sent to his family. I am so saddened you are going through this and angered that his family would take this close-minded stance. It amazes me further that you have received no response from them (even, as a PP suggested, a terse "need to process; will respond later.") Please do keep us posted on what happens. In the meantime, enjoy your sweet, sweet DD!

[blessed]

Originally Posted by DeeEast

Frankly, if my own family didn't want me to feed my child in their presence then I wouldn't even want to see them after the child weans. Its so beyond outrageous to me that I would write them off until they came to their senses and have no problem whatsoever doing it.

It feels like some of you all just aren't going to rest until M is alone, cut off from everyone she loves because she's offended by everyone who doesn't percieve the world exactly the same way she does.

Good grief. My FIL would probably fall over in a dead faint if I lifted my shirt in front of him. In the world that he lives in, no one would ever, ever do that. Can we not be a little bit tolerant of people who - very late in life - are finding themselves struggling to come to terms with things they never even imagined? Especially if these are people whom we love and cherish and whose feelings matter to us?

The ILs asked if M could nurse privately in order to help with the discomfort they are feeling. In their era, that would be an absolutely reasonable thing to request. For lactivists, it's not. They don't KNOW that, however. They're navigating off of the only rules that they know.

M has made the most raw and real and genuine case for openly breastfeeding K that can ever be made. It IS heroic - and beautiful. She has perfectly, eloquently, splendidly captured everything wonderful about her decision to breast feed.

Give the ILs a chance. They're people. They love M and K. Do you think these beautiful words that brought tears to all of our eyes are going to be lost on them? No way.

I'm confident if the discussion had not unfortunately degenerated into a that bit of mud slinging, that they'd have responded with 'of COURSE you should not hide away when you bf K. Please forgive us our ignorance'.

[DeeEast]

Originally Posted by blessed

It feels like some of you all just aren't going to rest until M is alone, cut off from everyone she loves because she's offended by everyone who doesn't percieve the world exactly the same way she does.

Good grief. My FIL would probably fall over in a dead faint if I lifted my shirt in front of him. In the world that he lives in, no one would ever, ever do that. Can we not be a little bit tolerant of people who - very late in life - are finding themselves struggling to come to terms with things they never even imagined? Especially if these are people whom we love and cherish and whose feelings matter to us?

The ILs asked if M could nurse privately in order to help with the discomfort they are feeling. In their era, that would be an absolutely reasonable thing to request. For lactivists, it's not. They don't KNOW that, however. They're navigating off of the only rules that they know.

M has made the most raw and real and genuine case for openly breastfeeding K that can ever be made. It IS heroic - and beautiful. She has perfectly, eloquently, splendidly captured everything wonderful about her decision to breast feed.

Give the ILs a chance. They're people. They love M and K. Do you think these beautiful words that brought tears to all of our eyes are going to be lost on them? No way.

I'm confident if the discussion had not unfortunately degenerated into a that bit of mud slinging, that they'd have responded with 'of COURSE you should not hide away when you bf K. Please forgive us our ignorance'.

Yeah, you're right. I'm on a crusade to keep a woman I've never met from in-laws I've never met. Thanks for pointing that out.

[bloobug]

Stick to your guns! Those letters were awesome!

:

Meg

[candipooh]

Originally Posted by blessed

It feels like some of you all just aren't going to rest until M is alone, cut off from everyone she loves because she's offended by everyone who doesn't percieve the world exactly the same way she does.
.

I think you are missing the point. It looks to me (from OPs dh's email to inlaws) that they would have respected the inlaws request to not nure at their hous but they wanted them to know that it hurt them. Then the responce that came back to them was the reason they did not go to their home on easter. PO is that about the jist?

doesn't percieve the world exactly the same way she does.

That is a little extream. EXACTLY the same way? I don't see anyone say that or even hinting that. The OP seems to be very open to family when they believe different from her. She even went to church with them and celabrated Christmas even when she isn't Christian. But when it comes to something as big as respect I say, limit your contact with them. Not to punish them but because I wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable around them.

[ollineeba]

I thought your e-mail (and your DH's, too) was beautifully written.. it was articulate and showed maturity and restraint..

I'm curious to hear their response..

[bri276]

God I am so the opposite. I had a party a couple months ago attended by two bf'ing moms. I ENCOURAGED them to NIP. Of course, I also said they're welcome to use the baby's room upstairs, which they both did. I have a bf'ing poster in my hallway that shows a pic of a baby nursing and says in big letters "Breastfed babies are welcome here!" lol-when my landlord came over the other day he did a double take. I'm desperate for someone to NIP in my house and no one will!

I have to exclusively pump, so NIP isn't really an issue for me, though I do pump in the car so I guess that's public. If close friends are over I'll pump in front of them too, using some discretion, as a pump isn't quite as beautiful or natural as a nursling! I go through so much to feed my baby that if anyone had a problem with it, I know I would have to cut them off. It's just too much of a disgusting sentiment to actually actively try to stop someone from nourishing their child in any shape or form, it's so hateful- I don't care when and where you were born, unless you are a quadraplegic, you have a neck and can turn your head away if it makes you uncomfortable. IT SHOULDN'T; and that's the point.

[Joannarachel]

This was a beautiful thread to read. Both your and DH's style of writing is moving and eloquent.

And stick to your guns, momma! You worked to hard with your dd to be banished by people who are supposed to love you and K unconditionally.

I am eager to hear that hopefully there will be a resolution, that your ILs are simply digesting the facts, and will come to you with apologies and open arms...and hoping you can great them with forgiveness and open arms

[Joannarachel]

I'm desperate for someone to NIP in my house and no one will!



That's so cute!

[JoyofBirth]

Oooh, I know w hat t o do about that "fat, breastfed baby". Squeeze her and hig her and kiss her little neck rolls. I looked at your p ic and she is adorable. My baby used to be all rolly like that, but now that she's a toddler, she long and lean. I miss those rolls. Enjoy that healthy baby!

[Kate522]

You're very lucky to have a dh who will stand up to his own family. I like that the two of you are working together as a team. You sound like responsible parents to K. I have had to do a lot of explaining about CLW to my mother (mil lives too far away to be a concern) and she breastfed in the 1960s and 70s! Okay, only to 9 months when she weaned us to cow's milk in a cup, but still. I guess what I'm saying is that the older generation, no matter how enlightened, can still have hang-ups about breastfeeding.

Your letters are very eloquent. Does your fil live far away? It's just that letters can be re-read and dissected, and the tone of voice is influenced by the reader. Sometimes the intent and how the letter is understood can be quite the opposite. It's so much better to have these kinds of conversations in person so that there are no misunderstandings of that type. I hope you and your dh get to have that conversation with your ils. Perhaps at a neutral location, so that words can be exchanged without raising one's voice, and no one feels threatened or emboldened by being on one's "home turf". And if you choose to write something, put it away for a day or so and then re-read it. It's all too easy to hit the send button when you're angry. Putting away for a while, you can gain some perspective on what you've written and how the reader will understand and respond to it.

[BelgianSheepDog]

IME, if they will give you the cold shoulder (which it sounds like they're doing) or cut you out over this, even temporarily, they have other issues going on which are the real issues. It could be something you know about, it could be some unspoken tension, but when an issue like this just suddenly blows up, usually someone has been stewing for a long while already. In fact, it sounds like they were trying to "stir the pot" and make a controversy by gossiping and making such an issue of nursing in the first place. Ugh. All I'll say is that sounds like some people I know, who I'm glad I don't currently have to talk to because they're mad at me for essentially saying "this issue is none of your business and I do not wish to discuss it further." Some people don't take boundaries well.

[CaliMommie]

I just read this whole thread & I think the letters are great! You & your DH sound like wonderful, respectful people. It is wonderful how your DH has backed you up! You can come NIP at my house anytime I hope that you hear from them soon so that you don't have to be on edge anymore.