ds LOVES guns

[lunar forest]

What do I do? He just came over and showed me that amazing gun he made out of legos. He's very creative about it... but it's still a gun. This sucks. I don't want him to play with guns, and I've told him (and he tells me why it's ok.... it's not real) but, he [I]is[I] a four year old and cannot be reasoned with. I don't want him too shoot his friends, or his sister, or animals, or anybody. It's not like we give him guns, but every stick he finds is one! I guess it's not a huge deal, but it's all the time.

Any advice?

[Dragonfly]

Ds started this when he was 3 and it was still going strong (as in every. single. day) until recently - he's 5.5. Now it's just every few days.

I don't like it. It bothers me in my core. But it seems to be something that he - and many, many other boys - naturally go through. Before I recognized this, I tried to divert his play into something else. This mostly made him more determined to play that way (not surprisingly).

My advice? Let it happen. We did draw up some ground rules. For example, we don't have toy guns, but he's free to make them out of things. We also don't shoot at people unless the people are actively involved in the game, too. I generally don't play shooting games, so when he starts shooting at me, I usually say, "Ds, I don't like to play that way and I don't want to be shot at. If you want to shoot, please aim somewhere else."

Laurence Cohen of "Playful Parenting" recommends turning gun play into something positive - for example, pretending to that the gun is a love gun and when he shoots you, you have to smother him with hugs and kisses. I tried this for awhile (and still do occasionally when I can stand it), but honestly didn't find that it helped him get to the other side of gun play at all. Gun play, for him, seems to go hand in hand with working through his feelings about good vs. evil (he does a lot of "good guy/bad guy" play).

[annakiss]

My ds was given a squirt gun at the park the other day when the babysitter took him. He doesn't seem to get that it's a gun though, which is really interesting. He says it sprays water and therefore doesn't hurt people, which is technically true. And since I told him it was a laser (it looks like a laser gun/death ray) he insists it's a laser and doesn't even say the word "gun". It seems that kids are really capable of making these distinctions...

I guess I like the pp ideas that you just keep at it. I don't know if there's much more to do. If only our kids coulda stayed in that bubble... :

[sunshinegal]

I have to agree it is a very controversial subject. My ds is now 8 and has been playing with weapons since the time he could walk. I remember him being around 18 months old and constantly taking the plastic pretend dinner knife from dd's kitchen set, and only the knife! When he was older, it turned into running around and shooting at the bad guys.
I always thought that I would be able to keep these things out of his life, but just like a PP said, he would make them out of Duplos or sticks or what have you. We never watched TV or violent movies either.
My DH and I have had many many talks about the effects of his use of weaponry. We even tried the restriction route and that didn't work for us at all.

For my son, I really think it is partly a way for him to deal with and work out some of his emotional issues and other problems he may be dealing with that he isn't quite conscious of. We also keep the lines of communication very open. He understands that his sister and myself and DH don't really like or approve of all the play killing. We talk about the Iraq situation and since he is older, have seen documentaries on real wars and the real death that comes with it. He says that it is just fun sometimes to figure out how to destroy something.

There are many times when he is running all around the house with lego bad guys here and lego good guys there, yes a war going on : , that I just stop and say, "Look honey, I have had enough of the killing today. I would really appreciate it if you stop." He totally understands and moves onto something else.

Also for my son, it's as if he wants to explore all the undersides of life. Some days he loves "potty" talk and anything else that can seem disgusting or offensive. I think he is trying to find out what the power is in all of this. Many mothers we know don't approve of guns at all and he knows that he can't play anything of that sort when we are visiting and he respects that.
But when I step back and try not to view the situation so emotionally, I see how creative he has become at creating complex environments and thinking up different strategies. He is great at games like Chess and has the ability to see the big picture in situations.

Can't wait to hear what other people have to say!

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

My ds also loves gun and wepon play and has for a long time. I've had a hard time accepting this part of him.

I'll give you some good advice that was given to me. There are plenty of men out there, my dh included also my brother and several of my friends, who played with guns as children and yet grew up to be gentil, loving pasifists. I think there is something genetic in boys that needs to explore wepon play. Something going back to a time when that was realy important to brining down the wooly mamoth so the tribe could eat kwim? Just keep doing all the other things you do and model the gentil behaviour you want him to adopt and I'm sure that he will grow up just fine and not be a gun happy violent freak.

[sarahmae1]

My ds is the same, he's been really into play with guns/army play for a few years now. You've gotten some good advice from the previous posters, so I have nothing really to add.

[seren]

Ds drives me nuts with his weaon play. He will eat his sandwich into the shape of a gun. Everything he finds is a gun or sword. I can't even find half of my kitchen serving spoons because he steals them for swords. Dd1 has pretty much no interest in playing with them. So he brings them to me and begs me to fight. So I sit there and hold the sword in my hand so he can hit it with his sword. I just don't get where he gets it from. It started before he was 2.

[Moochie Mamma]

Oh boy I have the same issue. DS first bit his toast into the shape of a gun at age 3 and called it a "deader" because they make people dead- he had never heard the word gun so he made up his own word. How he knew to make one in the first place I have no idea. Still going strong at 5 1/2. I don't allow play guns so he makes them out of anything he can find. I figure I can't stop him and at least he's using his imagination. I just don't allow them to pointed at people or the animals. He was really into star wars for a while (never seen the movie-learned it from friends) and turned every sharp stick in the yard into a light sabor. I finally gave in and bought some plastic ones : cause I figure at least they're not going to poke an eye out.

[Tanibani]

I'm with Dragonfly ("Let it happen.")

I think it's pretty normal for boys. MOST boys seem to want to do it (that's why I think it's normal.)

Here is an e-mail I sent to friends recently: DS has been driving me up the wall lately with his aggression. Just being very physical with me and DD. Not in a "bad" way like he's angry with us or acting out frustration, more like he can't help himself. I'm so frustrated because all the talking and explaining is not working. Which leads me to "punishing" which I'd rather avoid, but I don't see any alternatives right now. Even my friend was saying that (sweet little) Eric will walk past his older sister and just hit her for no reason, causing his teenage sister to yell "I've had it! Cut it out!!"

Then yesterday in the toddler class (mommy & me at my local developmental parent co-op preschool), Ms. Frost talked about Cognitive Development, and handed us some excerpts from THE WONDER OF BOYS by Michael Gurian. Reading this helped. She suggested giving him outlets (outside play, playdates with friends, etc...):

- Boys have more testosterone in them, which makes them naturally
more aggressive and physical. Risk taking is programmed into boys.
(I noticed that. That is why I never discouraged DS from jumping from the tallest spot on the jungle gym in the park. I figured if he felt he could handle it, then he could do it.) It's important to distinguish between aggression and violence. Aggression is hard-wired, violence is taught.

- On the average, a little boy will turn toys into guns or swords.
(I met a crunchy mom once who was did not allow guns. She said her boys
turned TOAST into guns - LOL.) He'll hit more, he'll be competitive. More need to dominate and less empathetic. Depending on his personality, will seek rough and tumble play or another outlet for aggression.

- Little boys are more right brained dominant, meaning more interested in spatial relationships (which explains why he is driving us nuts with insisting on playing with BALLS in the house. Tossing them up in the air, across the room, etc... ) and activities instead of social relationships and communication. They like to throw things and climb..... they need space!

- Generally speaking, girls read emotions more and are more intuitive, causing them to be more verbal, group oriented and social.

- In the beginning, boys have more reading difficulties but are better in math. This is due to right brain dominance.

- Girls cry more than boys because they are more in tune with emotions. Boys react to stress with action and problem solving.

I don't buy guns either. Not any gun that looks like an obvious black uzi (like General Grievous' : gun.) But I do allow "space blasters" that look and sound like space blasters (cool sounds) - that is our compromise.

He has a pile of swords (including light sabers). That's fine by me.



When DS was 4, he wasn't into guns or swords much. He was into princess dresses. He just about lost it when he first saw a wall of pretty GLITTERY dresses in the Disney store. At first I tried to deter it. Then I just embraced it. DH was annoyed : and worried about it. Within a year, he got over it. My only rule was he wasn't allowed to go to our local park ("why???") wearing it, and we all know why. Same thing with guns. He can't take them to the local park to start shooting friends. Sorry.

Anyway, my point is, it's just play. Let them play and explore. Cohen's book should help. It doesn't mean my son will grow up to be a cross-dresser or a pirate or a criminal.

[lunar forest]

thanks for all the replies!
I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't ALL THE TIME. I know it's normal, and I'm not at all concerned that he will be violent when he grows up. It's just, I wish he would play something, anything, else once and a while. He bits his food into guns all the time, too. I'm just tired of being shot at, and tired of being told that I'm dead. I guess there are wrose things he could do.

It is good for me to remember that it's normal and it's ok.

Oh and Anna, just wait till Jonas get's ahold of him, he'll set aleks straight!

[PancakeGoddess]

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma

Oh boy I have the same issue. DS first bit his toast into the shape of a gun at age 3 and called it a "deader" because they make people dead- he had never heard the word gun so he made up his own word.

My eldest did this at 2.5 or 3... he called it a "feef," and it all began the first moment he ever saw another kid playing with a gun.

Lots of good advice given here. I totally don't get this fascination, but I am about to have my 4th boy, and I definitely no longer resist this play. I think a child's play is HIS territory, useful for dealing with so many emotional/mental issues, and there are very few things I'd feel good about restricting in that respect.

I also totally agree with sunshine gal that these boys seem to want to really explore what she called the underside of life. I guess girls do this in other ways (I wouldn't know! )

Our rules: no toy guns indoors, TV/video game gun violence is more restricted than imaginary outdoor running type gun play, and also, no shooting in the direction of someone who's not in the game.

[boatbaby]

Hi mamas
Interesting topic...

I have a question for you mamas with older gun loving boys. My DS is only 2 (almost) and has NO concept of what a gun is thankfully. How did your DS's find out what guns were in the first place? When they did find out about guns - how did you as the parents explain what they were?

Thanks mamas!

[Tanibani]

Boatbaby, I don't remember when my DS saw his first gun or how he first learned about them. But little boys are just * intrigued * by weaponry.

It's "out there." Maybe children at a local park. Maybe the local store. I was at Target the other day and one of the screens was showing a violent (uzi shooting) video game and DS just stood there transfixed (we normally don't notice the TV and keep walking.) I was so mad that was up.

I don't allow video games. I'm not buying him one anytime soon. Meanwhile our next door neighbor (son is almost 5 - really cool family) watches TV most of the time he's home or plays with his video games.



This is horrifying... my DD when she was about 17-18 months, started shooting me with a little thing she picked up. I cracked up. (I'm sure many of you are mortified.) Don't get me wrong, I was shocked, but there ya' go, the blessing and curse of being a younger sib (and being exposed to things waaaaaaay earlier, whereas with the first, you can keep the "forbidden" stuff at bay for much longer.)

[ToniaStarr]

I understand how yu said it bothers you to your core. I HATE guns. Or more so teh violence they represent to me. In our home we do not allow toy giuns. My oldest has had teh talk about if he ever finds one to not touch and ruin to tell a adult about it. That they are NOT safe to play with, that they can hurt people, etc...
That being said, it seems so hard to keep away from boys cuz they are all over the place. Buzz lightyear has his laser gun , woody too, and toy story is heir fav movie.... My friend told me a story of how she forbade guns in her home so her son bent a barbie in helf, pointed it at her and "shot " her with his makeshift barbie gun.
I think it is really important, liek drugs and anything else, tat you make your feelings and home rules VERY clear and trust you raise your kid swell enough that thye will stay with it. It is hard cuz Dh does not fully agree with me so I have to compromise. So, they may make guns out of legos or ticks but ONY lay with them outdoors and ONLY shoot trees, rocks, imaginary aliens or dinosaurs. I try to give them alternatives. Like Zane used to like to play bad guys and shoot them. so I helped him build a jail to put them in instead and he was cool with that.
HTH/

[PancakeGoddess]

I think it's interesting that the friend forbade guns but not barbie. Not judging - just interesting.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Laurence Cohen of "Playful Parenting" recommends turning gun play into something positive - for example, pretending to that the gun is a love gun and when he shoots you, you have to smother him with hugs and kisses.

I've heard about this and the whole idea of a "love gun" strikes me as so incredibly creepy and icky.

But I agree with Dragonfly about letting it be, and setting clear boundaries about him not aiming his weapon at you. That's my tactic.

[phathui5]

Surrender.

I do have the rule about ds not pointing any weapons (guns, swords, etc) at people who don't want him to and beyond that I leave it alone. He's always been gentle and kind, and loved swords and guns. He would never hurt people for real. When dd went through a biting phase, he would tell her, "Don't bite me, biting hurts."

I don't know how he discovered weapons. It's like he just knew. The few TV shows he watched didn't have weapons and neither did the books we were reading when it started.

[lunar forest]

sigh, this is so good to talk about. So nobody has any tricks? not that I really want to trick my kids into things, but the idea was sounding kind of appealing. I should just keep letting go? what a hard lesson to learn. I really thought there was something about my children I could control ... silly, silly me.

I have been telling him that we don't shoot people, but I guess I should emphasis when it's ok to shoot things and people.

[lunar forest]

oh yeah, and phathui5 - I love your signature!

[mamaverdi]

Our rule is, no shooting anything living. This includes trees and plants. Nothing that it will hurt. And we started Fencing shortly before he turned 6. Fencing gives him a chance to play with weaponry in a controlled environment with a point: an olympic sport. I also don't allow realistic looking guns anywhere but in the house or backyard. Not even the front yard. We have some space guns. I find the more restrictions I put, the more interested he becomes. So less is more here. AND we have a continuous conversation about gun safety and safety in general with regards to weapons.

HTH. Now, gonna read the thread.