Come here! Is this OK?

[Mama2 '05'06]

I'm not sure if this is the right area for this so if it isn't someone can move it. Thanks!

We were at my MIL last night and dd was heading for the kitchen. (I don't want her going in their kitchen b/c it is filthy and not at all safe for a child under 5 at least.) Anyway. I bumped dh to go get her and he said her name and she stopped and turned to look at him expectatly. He walked to her saying come this way,come here. Of course she doesn't understand that so she just waits for him to pick her up and play with her. He says OK, so you don't get come here yet do you and tosses her up playing. MIL says "She's plenty old enough to understand to come when you say it. Have one parent say come here and the other take hold of her and pull her saying crawl, go to mama/daddy over to the other parent." I've never heard of this. If I want her to come to me and I am in a place where I can't get up and get her (or am too lazy ) I say her name and hold my hands out to her. She usually wants to be picked up so she hurrys over to get the cuddles and if not I can always stop being lazy and go pick her up. I haven't been real concerned about getting her to come b/c if she's in an unsafe place I just go get her. What do you think? Is this one of those strange parenting methods I've never heard of? Thanks for your advice.

[Maggi315]

From this and your other post, sounds like you have a mil that is making you doubt your parenting instincts. And putting too much pressure on you to "train" your child. I am sorry, that is a yucky situation to be in. As you grow more confident in parenting, you will be able to let it roll off better, but for now, can you distance yourself? Take a break from visiting for a couple of weeks? (hey, pretend you're sick or something if you need to?). Maybe go to some LLL meetings or surround yourself with other like-minded parents?

If your mil suggests something you don't agree with, just smile and say, thanks, we'll have to try that. And then go on your business. Later, say, yeah, we tried that and found it didn't work well for us, but thanks for the suggestion. End of discussion. Change subject, walk out of room, etc. But do not get dragged into something you don't want to be dragged into.

You have lots of years let and sounds like she will be giving advice, so you might as well bite the bullet and learn to deal with her now. I have found that arguing, long discussions, anger, resentment, etc. will just upset you and make you stressed.

Good luck!!!

[familylove]

Wow! : My question to you would be, does it feel right to you? If it doesn't, don't do it. Your instincts as a mom, IMO, are right on! What is your MIL actually teaching, "When someone says 'Come Here', it means you're going to get grabbed and dragged across the floor." This provides no incentive, DC has only learned that some words have negative consequences, but she isn't sure which ones or why.

If it were me, I would ask my DH to explain to MIL (since its his mom) that your parenting style emphasizes positive parenting, guiding your child and expecting age appropriate behaviors. If she has trouble with a behavior, you will redirect her and teach her what you want her to do using words and gently guiding her away.

Didn't mean to rant, that behavior is just a pet peeve of mine.

[Mama2 '05'06]

Originally Posted by familylove

Wow! : My question to you would be, does it feel right to you? If it doesn't, don't do it. Your instincts as a mom, IMO, are right on! What is your MIL actually teaching, "When someone says 'Come Here', it means you're going to get grabbed and dragged across the floor." This provides no incentive, DC has only learned that some words have negative consequences, but she isn't sure which ones or why.

If it were me, I would ask my DH to explain to MIL (since its his mom) that your parenting style emphasizes positive parenting, guiding your child and expecting age appropriate behaviors. If she has trouble with a behavior, you will redirect her and teach her what you want her to do using words and gently guiding her away.

Didn't mean to rant, that behavior is just a pet peeve of mine.

Thanks! That's what I thought but neither of us said anything. I don't want her to think "come here" means to get dragged over to the person calling! I think we'll not worry about what MIL says and just do our own thing in raising her. I didn't want to be disrespectful or start an argument with MIL b/c you can never tell her anything or win an argument and she'll never admit that she's wrong. I will have to get better at being like my other SIL who smiles and says "Oh,That worked for you? We'll have to think about it." And then goes on her way without feeling bad or trying it either.

[Joannarachel]

It seems from this and your other post regarding church behavior that you have some people in your life who are really giving you bad advice about child rearing.

Your instincts are dead on. Ignore your MIL

[Brigianna]

Your dd is 11 months, right? I think that's probably old enough to learn what "come here" means, but that's hardly the way to teach it. I don't think I taught my kids "come here" at all, they just picked it up on their own. Maybe I did teach them a little by saying "come here baby" while picking them up, but certainly not dragging accross the floor! I didn't even do that to my cat.

Your way sounds much better than your mil's.

[faithnj]

Originally Posted by Mama2 '05'06

...... MIL says "She's plenty old enough to understand to come when you say it. Have one parent say come here and the other take hold of her and pull her saying crawl, go to mama/daddy over to the other parent." I've never heard of this. ....... Is this one of those strange parenting methods I've never heard of? Thanks for your advice.

To answer your question-- your MIL didn't suggest some "strange parenting method" to you. Lots of people use a similar method to teach their children what "come here" means...it's just that they don't DRAG their child across a floor to do it. And somehow I doubt your MIL literally meant for your to "drag" your child across the floor either. That would probably make your child cry and resist coming to you, so what purpose would that have served? Most people just make a little game out of it, where mama holds her arms out, calling and coaxing the child towards her, while the daddy stands on the other side and does whatever he needs to do to gently show the child that when mama call's you, mama wants you to move yourself in her direction, whether it's by crawling or walking the child over to mama. And when you get there, mama scoops you up and gives you a big hug and a kiss, just like you are basically doing now with your DD. Then daddy calls the baby and mama does what she has to to get the baby to move towards daddy's arms, and back and forth. If you do it enough times, the child eventually gets the connection between the words and people calling his or her name, and the action of moving towards the parent doing the calling.

Frankly, I don't get how something two loving parents have done with each other and their babies for who knows how many years, becomes some evil suggestion a MIL has given......I mean I guess you can do this in a harsh way. But then, I guess you could feed your kid and bathe them in a harsh way too...it's really up to you. But if you start teaching your baby to come as a habit, and create good associaions with comimg startng now, you may save youself a few problems with your child running away towards danger in the future.

Faith

[Jessica36]

M20506 ~ Just read your other thread and this one. Are you committed to your church or do you only go there because DH and the IL's do? How much time are you spending with the IL's?

From the little I have read, maybe you need a break from them as they make you question how you are parenting with your heart...

Also remember our parents and IL's memories are fuzzy, while they think by 12 mo, more then likely it was 24, KWIM?

My MIL insists my BIL was PT'd by 1, I mean fully, since she has also told me he didn't walk until he was 18, I find it a bit hard to believe.

Hugs

[Pynki]

I think it's important to remember that the information they are working off of is anywhere from 20-40 years old when it comes to child rearing. A lot has been learned in the field of child developement in the last 20years. GD was about unheard of and produced "self-centered brats that were more of a problem in society". So yeah, spanking and hitting with objects from very young ages were acceptable.

It's not that our MIL's are evil, but out of tune with modern parenting advice. I mean how many of our MIL's breastfed for any significant lengths of time? They may have been loving mothers, but that doesn't mean they were good ones either.

I think you do what feels right for you as parents. Ignore what everyone says what seems counter intuitive.