Issues with your butt-in/controlling parents?

[papayapetunia]

Anyone have issues with their parents butting in on their parenting?

I see my parents quite a bit. In fact, we'll be living with them for two weeks, starting May 1st. It's mainly my mom that's a real pain in the ass.

She won't abide by my food and TV rules for my daughter. She feeds her microwaved macaroni and cheese and turns the TV on for her to watch all the time. She knows I don't allow that, but it seems like she gets some sort of sick pleasure out of undermining me. Anytime I let her take my daughter somewhere, they end up buying fast food. We're totally against fast food, not just because of the nutritional issues, but because of the deception.

She also extremely sexually repressed and imposes her religious values on us. She repeatedly asks my daughter to come to church with her even though I don't allow it.

This is the thing that bothers me the most. I come over for a family dinner and everyone is watching TV. A scene comes on TV that my mom thinks is inappropriate for my daughter to see. My daughter wasn't paying attention to the TV until the commotion was made. She's sitting at a table drawing. So do they turn off the TV? No! She makes my daughter go into another room and turns on cartoons for her!

I was pissed off because she totally undermined my no-TV thing, but also because I think it's totally unfair to make my daughter leave the room because of what they are watching. It wasn't even something that I care if she sees. It was like two people making out. She did the same thing last night when my dad was telling a dirty joke - made my daughter leave and turned on the TV for her. I just feel like, you wouldn't tell a dirty joke in front of Grandma, but you wouldn't make her leave the room, right? Why should my daughter have to leave the room? For the joke incident, we were having a nice family dinner and discussion. What a hoorible time to make a child leave the room, I thought!

Anyone with me on this? Or have any other irritating mom-ster stories?

Also, what should I do? Should I be strong about my rules, and insist that she not be made to leave the room? Or should I let it slide? I feel totally disrespected and undermined. I feel like a little kid again.

[octobermom]

My parents are pretty cool but my MIL OYI :

Deanna

[oliversmum2000]

i understand completely when you feel undermined it is horrible, plus making your child leave the dinner table seems extremely distrespectful to your child and to you

if that were to happen again i would decide that if my child is not being made welcome then it is time for us as a family to go home, the same with the tv being put on, i have had issues with the tv with my parents and dh's but its better since we have been VERY firm about it

as for the 2 week thing - maybe have your mum over for a visit, suggest the visit would be easier for your dd if there is consistency with rules and that you stick to her normal rules and then let her know what they are.

parents are very hard work sometimes

[hellyaellen]

man do i ever feel for you!!! btdt (still dealing w/ it in fact except its my dad and his wife)

to you!!

yes you should absolutely be very clear as to your expectations for the kids following your rukes. YOU are the mama and YOU get to decide what is appropriate for your dd.

kids are capable of understanding that grandma may be lax on minor things, things that are not a big deal to you or she may be big on other things that you don't care about (say they can stay up a little later at her house but they have to say "yes ma'am and no ma'am, or whatever like that)

BUT kids absolutely know that YOU make the big rules and YOU get to decide what the big rules are. you might want to do some thinking on what your biggest issues are. tv is obviously a big one. sounds like family time is another. see if you can figure out a way to codify your most important values so that your mom knows what you allow and what you don't

as far as her telling your dd to leave the room i think i would have just said "Thats ok dd you come sit right here with me" or "you can keep on coloring"

on the church thing i would tell her in no uncertain terms to stop it.

take control NOW before you have to all live together it will make things easier for everyone.

[velochic]

My mother lives with us, so dd (4 yo) is currently under the impression that she has 3 "parents". As the pp said, when you are visiting, it's one thing. YOU are the major behavioural influence on your daughter. But if you are living together, the rules completely change. Your mother will likely have equal influence on your dd. You HAVE to nip this stuff in the bud. When you have another adult in the house full-time, it totally changes the dynamics. Your mother has to respect your parenting decisions. This may sound harsh, but if your mother thinks that going against your parenting wishes is okay... she just hasn't grown up yet because she's not respecting you as an adult.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by velochic

My mother lives with us, so dd (4 yo) is currently under the impression that she has 3 "parents". As the pp said, when you are visiting, it's one thing. YOU are the major behavioural influence on your daughter. But if you are living together, the rules completely change. Your mother will likely have equal influence on your dd. You HAVE to nip this stuff in the bud. When you have another adult in the house full-time, it totally changes the dynamics. Your mother has to respect your parenting decisions. This may sound harsh, but if your mother thinks that going against your parenting wishes is okay... she just hasn't grown up yet because she's not respecting you as an adult.

Yes, your mother should respect your parenting decisions. But if you are choosing to move in with her for two weeks you have to either get her agreement to this first or make another choice.

It's hard to force someone to abide by YOUR rules when you have chosen to live in THEIR home.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

You know, I gues I feel like "pick your battles" applies to both our children and our parents. For me, a little fast food and a little TV while visiting someone really wouldn't be worth the battle on. Now, church (if you don't approve) and making someone leave the room would be worth it. So for those, I would just keep saying "no" to the first and I would override my mother on the second.

If you are visiting someone's house, then their rules are going to apply. If they are used to watching TV, then I don't think its fair for you to require them to turn if off for two weeks. You can certainly say "Oh, that's OK, she doesn't need the TV on" or something if its just for your child. But if they watch stuff all day, then I don't think you can request otherwise. Just like they shouldn't request the TV be ON at your house if you don't watch it. Or a meat eater shouldn't request a steak when visiting a vegetarian friend. If we expect people to follow our rules in our homes, then we need to respect the same idea when we visit. If you truly don't like the atmosphere in their home, then you should stay elsewhere.

[mattemma04]

I would not allow the grandma to take the child anywhere.Turn the tv off during dinner time instead of having the child leave the room.Turn the tv off and take away any food you feel is inappropriate. Limit contact(or cut contact) after the 2 week stay.Either your mother will learn to accept your parenting choicesor she will lose out on seeing her family.
I have had family complain on my own hard line with them.I used to put up with A LOT.You know the saying," Family is family." My reply at this point in life is ," Bullshit is still bullshit even from family."

Life is way, way to short to waste it on people who upset you over and over.

[alegna]

Honestly anyone who undermined my parenting choices the way you describe would never see my child without me right there.

-Angela

[dynamicdoula]

I just had to pop in and say...

I read the thread title too fast

I thought it said "Issues with your pop in butt"

[papayapetunia]

Thanks for the replies. I don't expect them to abide by my rules. They can watch TV until their eyeballs hurt and all they can say is "duhhhh..." while drooling. I just don't think they should turn on the TV for my daughter to watch in a separate room. And making her leave the room made me mad. I don't think they would have made my Grandma leave the room, they'd just not tell it. And I do expect that if they want to see her, they should feed her well, and not a bunch of crap food.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I found out my parents were spanking my son after I specifically told them not to, so I refused to allow them to see him. We had this huge fight that basically consisted of them telling me "Our house, our rules. We'll spank if we want to" and me telling them to go to Hell.

They caved within a week. You'd think that by now they'd know better than to cross me on parenting issues, but I guess they'll never really learn. DS tells me everything so I know they really did stop spanking (I've been letting him visit unsupervised after they caved). If I EVER found out they've hit him again, I'll call the police and I've made that very clear.

[papayapetunia]

Wow, now THAT's crossing the line!

[MillingNome]

I like the pp who said pick your battles. I don't leave the kids over there too long and know they will eat some junk food and watch TV. OTPH, I know they will play with them, laugh and do arts and crafts projects too. As for spanking when you say don't- that's crossing the line. Church when you say no- I'd say that is crossing the line too. Maybe what will work best for you is if you don't leave your dc over there without you and just let them know your the mom of your dc. I just have seen that having two moms in the same house to be a bit much sometimes. Or maybe meeting at your house or another nuetral setting. I feel for you!

[velochic]

Originally Posted by maya44

Yes, your mother should respect your parenting decisions. But if you are choosing to move in with her for two weeks you have to either get her agreement to this first or make another choice.

It's hard to force someone to abide by YOUR rules when you have chosen to live in THEIR home.

Yeah, good point. Mom moved in with US. It's our home.